I had this wonderful relationship with this girl for so long. We met in winter 2010. Then we started to have really serious fights. I mean, violence was involved at one point. There was Always conflict. She betrayed me with other guys several times and I did with her as well, I mean. On the outside, we must have had the worst relationship in the world.
BUT.
I LOVE HER SO FUCKING MUCH. I cant stop to think about her and just recently I had not heard from her in like 6 months and that last time I saw her it was her with another guy.
Anyway. I found out about the secret this summer, and I fell for it. Or I mean, it made total sense. So the first thing that happened was that I in a natural manner felt to apologize for being such a douche. She responded with nothing much really, a short answer. Then 3 months later she was back in my hometown, and SHE said SHE was sorry!
This totally freaked me out and I dont know why. My heart started pounding and our conflict began again, apparently. I was worrying and could not find any way at all to comfort my worry besides sending her a message about how bad I felt when she did stuff. It made her feel really bad about herself and already (it has passed like a month) she has broken up with me like 3 times. It is ridicolous how this relationship actually still is on my mind when it in reality makes me feel so bad. In my fantasies it is fantastic, I mean. We lay in my bed and just stare in eachothers eyes. Hug and touch eachother for the whole time we hang out. We rarely talk, we just stare in our eyes and enjoy life.
Now, I then found the visionboard thing. So I used my ex-girlfriends to put together a soulmate because I Realized that there is stuff with this relationship to evolve. Like, our sexlife, (that is basically it) and communication. So I pasted up a picture with a godess legs, a godess overbody and a perfect face that just sits on my visionboard where I sleep everyday and stares at me. She is joined by other pictures of where I am becoming a famous writer and stuff.
Even though I did this, what happened was that she started to alienate me. I have sent her like 50 really sweet text messages. (I mean, really, really, really sweet) where I am NOT putting her on a piedestal or anything. Just complete honesty about how good I feel for knowing her and such. EVEN THOUGH. I dont hear one single word. I tried calling her today but she's not answering.
So, I thought. Might this be because Im not on my visionboard holding her, hugging her and looking her in the eyes? It just hit me that this is exactly what I want. I dont care what she does, what her hobbies and interests are. I just want to every night before falling a sleep have -her- in front of me so I can look her deeply in the eyes and nothing else. Because I so much love that for some reason. I feel so alive and vibrating when looking in to even my own eyes in the mirror. I just Love Eyes So Much that it is amazing (her eyes is beautiful...!!!)
But so. I just wanted to write SOmething because I feel so incredibly lonely and unsatisfied. Or I mean, I have the visionboard so I wouldnt say unsatisfied, but you know. I feel as a stranger. Could it be, that I should draw her with me on the board? I am most definately going to try now tonight.
And, she's going away as well. That SUCKS. She's going to southAmerica for like, I dont know. A long time I suppose. I mean. I feel like this:
October 31, 2009, 05:40:58 AM
Disclaimer
