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Topics - tereza
« on: October 17, 2012, 12:08:37 PM »
There's no journal section, so I'm just going to start one right here, cause I want to.
I think it's time I start recording positive experiences and putting more energy into what I want vs what I don't want and I think this would be a good place to start. So...First Post
R (the guy I've been throwing myself at and obsessing over) and I are not talking right now. For a month he kept blowing me off saying that he was "busy". He was busy all right. Busy going to parties and baseball games. So finally, I got angry and stopped contacting him. Now we just battle each other on Instagram over who has the most interesting life. At first that really upset me, but then I realized that it's kind of funny that he stalks me on there and has to post a photo whenever I post one. It's one sign that he thinks about me. There are also a ton of other signs that I get bombarded with that let me know he's thinking about me (one just popped up in the shout out bar), but whatever. I'm still mad at him and I'm not trying to attract him into my life right now because in order to do that I need to forgive and be accepting and blehhhh. That's too much work. I'm going to continue kicking his butt with my iphone photo skills and we'll revisit forgiveness and acceptance later.
Instead, the focus is back on me. I want to feel good. I want to be happy. I want a relationship where the guy treats me like a princess. I want dates that are planned ahead of time. I want flowers. I want to be picked up at my apartment and dropped off there. I want calls throughout the day and random gifts. I want a guy who pays for the date, instead of going dutch. I want him to be interested in my life and WANT to be involved in all the major events that occur, cause there are a lot and will probably be more too.
I had this realization while I was reading "The Rules". It's a crazy sounding book, but hey. They totally nailed what I wanted in a relationship so I thank them for that. Plus, I'm open to try new things. The way I've been doing stuff hasn't been working. So I'm going to give their rules a try. Actually, I tried it out today.
Over the weekend a co-worker said her friend was interested in me and suggested that we go to some bar to meet. I said sure. But then this morning I realized that this felt totally wrong to me. I mean, if I wanted to be treated like a princess...why I am going out of my way to meet this guy? Not only that, why the heck doesn't he have the courage to call me? This guy is hot, like Bradley Cooper I-don't-know-why-you're-showing-interest-in-me hot. There should be no confidence issues there and even if there were any, why the heck do I want to deal with that?
So I asked some girls at work for advice, bailed on meeting at the bar and told his friend that he was welcome to stop by my work and chat with me.
I highly doubt he'll do that (especially since the girls at work were busting his balls for not manning up). But who cares? By turning that meeting down, I eliminated stress, I got to bond with my co-workers and I feel good. If he shows up, cool. If he doesn't, whatever. He clearly wasn't what I'm looking for.
Anyway, what else? I've also been doing nice things for myself...which I think I really need to do more often. If you're going through a rough patch, doing something to care for yourself even if it's small like removing your chipped nail polish, feels better. Heck, I put on a mud mask for 15 minutes last night and felt ecstatic. I never do stuff like that because it's not practical (and really, mud?), but it made a big difference in how I felt the next day. Heh. Who would've thought putting mud on your face could lead to positive feelings?
« on: October 09, 2012, 09:44:11 AM »
So a couple months ago, I got a job that sounds perfect on paper... I make enough to cover rent, pay my bills and have something extra left over so that I can go out and have fun. It's also creative, I sort of make my own schedule and I get to see celebrities (well c-list celebrities which is still pretty cool
The down side is that I usually end up working more than 40 hours a week and have had weeks where I've only gotten one day off. It's extremely stressful because there are always events that I'm surprised with (like they'll tell me two days before it's going to happen) and just a ton of surprises in general. I'll leave one evening with things a certain way, then come in the next morning and find things rearranged. I also feel like I'm constantly having to prove myself and argue with people. I suppose this is good because it's forcing me to communicate, but it's not like I want to be a leader. Oh and I commute an hour and a half to and from work- two different trains and one bus ride.
Anyway, I totally want to quit, but I can't figure out why. Like do I feel this way because the job sucks or because other things that are crappy in my life are making me negative? Maybe I'm not used to being in a situation where I won't be broke anymore so I'm sabotaging myself to go back to how things were? Maybe I want to quit because I'm just freaked out by how challenging this is? I'm not sure. I know that quitting would bring instant relief, thinking about when I would quit actually puts me in a better mood too. But I wonder if this is one of those situations where I need to endure for a bit because sticking it out will make life better in general?
« on: September 04, 2012, 07:02:50 AM »
I wasn't going to share this, but I think I need to...
So I've been struggling with jealousy and mistrust. There was a tiny bit of it last week, but I rationalized myself out of it and I thought it went away. But then it sort of popped up again yesterday. He had posted some photos of some places he went to this weekend and something started to bother me about it. But I rationalized it away and told myself I was being silly. But then this afternoon I got that "something's up" feeling and I went searching to find something. Well I found something, got paranoid, snooped some more and realized that it was nothing.
Heh...there were even the numbers 444 next to the photo that made me paranoid and I read that it meant that I have nothing to fear, but I still went snooping.
Hah and now I just saw the numbers 333 and that says to have faith in humanity.
The sad part about all of this is that this has happened a couple of times in the past with R and well, it's pretty much has always been nothing, but then I would let it make me all paranoid and ruin things. One time it was nothing and I knew it was nothing, but I was so obsessed I ended up manifesting it into something. So I know that this sort of thinking can lead to problems and would like to stop it.
I'm going to affirm that I trust him, but eh...anyone have experience with getting over this sort of stuff?
« on: August 28, 2012, 05:37:17 PM »
Haven't talked to R since I last saw him, but I did see a picture of him with his running partner and got totally jealous and suspicious. I know it's not rational. I know he has a lot of female friends, just like I have a lot of male friends. I also know she's just a running partner because he told me about her. But bleh, it's like my mind is hunting for reasons to be jealous and suspicious.
My first boyfriend lied to me for years about something small and stupid, but I guess it affected me more than I realized. Afterwards a majority of the relationships I've had were with guys who were already dating other women, though I would find out before anything happened. For the longest time I thought they met the girls afterwards and I was being rejected (so I would always be jealous of those girls), but after some time I discovered that I was the other woman.
Anyway, one of the reasons I was attracted to R in the first place was that he was always honest with me. Like he would always tell me what's going on in his life and who he's going out with. But then he started hiding things, stupid things that I know would've upset me if I found out, but in reality were not a big deal. Like one time he went to Vegas with a group of friends that included this girl he used to date. I got insanely jealous even though that girl was engaged. I didn't know at the time that she was engaged and I never brought up that I knew about it...but still. It wasn't something to get upset over.
So yeah tldr...any ideas on how to remove jealousy and suspicious thinking?
« on: August 07, 2012, 02:19:39 AM »
Should I send this?
Ok, so maybe I do want to talk some more about things. I just have no idea where to start or what I even want to know. I'm assuming it's over, whatever it was that we had, right? I mean, if you cared or even wanted me around in some form, you would've tried to talk to me by now.
I just don't get why disappearing seemed like the best way to deal with things. I mean, we've been at this for so long. I would think that I'd get some sort of line about being friends and needing space or whatever lame thing people say when they don't feel the same as the other person. Heck, even a text message would've been a little kinder. What did I do that was so messed up, that you just had to disappear?
I guess that phone call at that time was probably a bad idea. I said some pretty stupid things. I could've contacted you after that too. But I guess I found the whole thing frustrating also. On and off, on and off...I just got sick of being excited about stuff and then having to get over it all over again.
I don't know. This letter is all over the place. I'm just upset that things ended the way they did. It makes no sense. Is this what you wanted?
I don't know. If you're uncertain that means don't send it, right? But I'm a hot mess today. Been busy for the past few weeks with work and just trying to keep up. In the slow moments I'd think about him and get angry and sad and all that crap. I'm so sick of feeling this way. Crying is supposed to make you feel better, but I don't feel better. I feel like there's unfinished business. That it makes no sense that he acted like such an ass. I mean we've been at this for years!!! Why in the world would he just disappear like that?
« on: July 31, 2012, 06:53:17 PM »
Yup, how do you know they're the one? I've been on/off with R for years and in the beginning I KNEW he was it. Like I didn't need to search for more. Like that guy in the Notebook, I was positive that if I built that house (moved), he'd come back and well he did...sort of. But now? I don't know. I've been trying to move on, but it's like I won't be left alone.
We're connected to each other, I don't get it, but we're really connected. Like our lives have paralleled each others even though at times we weren't in contact. There was that time he broke up with his ex on the same day I was moving to his state even though again, I wasn't speaking to him and didn't mention my plan to him. There's weird timing here and there where we do the same thing like sign on or post something at nearly the same time. Plus, everywhere I go his name is there or weird signs relating to me and him. It's like...what the heck? Is this him or is this old crap from me? Am I giving up on something I should hold onto?
« on: July 28, 2012, 07:29:29 AM »
1. Are some people just no good? Like no matter how much you affirm, that person is always going to be a hot mess? I think everyone has read some crazy stories on here about poor treatment from exes, which then flipped around into a beautiful relationship...but then there are a few posts on here where the ex remained a douche.
2. Someone posted a comment about how sometimes if you're overcome with sadness, you're feeling the other person's sadness. Do you think that's true? I've had a few experiences where I'm overcome with intense feelings towards someone that I'm not really attracted to...in one situation the thought of making out with some random co-worker popped into my head while I was in the supply closet and then a few minutes later that person walked into the closet. I freaked out and got out of there quickly.
I know for certain that was him and not me, because I had never thought of him that way before.
But I rarely pick up on this kind of stuff, so I'm not sure if I'm feeling my own feelings or someone else (that sounds so ridiculous now that I've written that). Has anyone got experience with that? R keeps popping into my head and it's always associated with sad feelings. Except, I don't really want him back. Maybe I'm just super out of touch with myself? I don't know.
« on: July 15, 2012, 08:02:20 PM »
A few weeks ago I started talking to a new guy. He was a lot of fun and made me feel giddy and cared for. But I ended things before anything could really happen because I was bothered by the age difference (he's 8 years younger than me). I was starting to second guess my decision because well, it's not everyday you meet someone who you have instant chemistry with and age seems like a silly reason to not see what could happen. But meh. I just found out that he's been hiding the fact that he has a girlfriend from me.
This isn't the first time a guy has tried to pull this stunt with me, but I still feel a bit shaken up by it. I suppose it's because if he had been closer to my age, I would've been all over that. It makes me wonder why I didn't quite pick up on this sooner and why this keeps happening.
Anyway, throughout this I've been getting weird reminders about R, the guy I've been gung ho about for so long. The new guy used the same phrases he did, has similar facial expressions and sent me lots of cutesy animal photos, which R used to do when we first started talking. Actually, the new guy sent me this one photo of a little mouse and I thought, R never sent me a photo of a mouse. Well a few days later after not posting anything in a long time, R posted a photo of a cute little mouse. :|
I'm not sure how I feel about R right now.
I suppose the silver lining is that I attracted a guy who was sort of close to what I'm looking for. Also, I'm pretty gosh darn lucky that something always happens to keep me from being the other woman, though I'd like to just avoid that scenario all together.
« on: May 22, 2012, 07:16:18 AM »
I just want to say thank you to all the members who take the time to report spammers and trolls either by using the report button or sending PM's. You have no idea how much help you are.
« on: May 17, 2012, 04:26:52 AM »
So it's been almost a month since I last saw him and last I tried chatting with him online was Wednesday. Since he was still busy with finals, I figured I'd leave him alone and let him contact me when his finals ended. Well come Friday he starts posting all these photos of the places he's been going to with his friends and cousins and this continues until Monday. Which, I don't know, my gut tells me that he was doing this to be obnoxious.
Then today he texts me about this bar in my city. Recommending it and saying it's a great place and then he posts a photo of the darn place. He also texts me that he's had one too many drinks. Then he sends me another text telling me that it's really hot. Um. Ok.
So I get pissed off and call him and asks what's going on. I let him know that I'm upset because I don't know where we stand, it's been a month since I last saw him and it would've been nice if he got in touch with me to meet up. He says that last we talked we were going to spend time together and see where it goes, which he thinks is a good idea (so I guess that's where we stood). Then he plays it off like I'm being weird and unreasonable and not wanting him to relax or have fun with his friends (oh and he makes it a point to clarify that the photos of the places he went to, he went to with friends even though I never asked if he was on a date, so I think he totally was waiting for me to flip out and be jealous or something). I tell him that I don't care that he's spending time with them and that I think that's nice. I just wanted him to make plans with me. He then got annoyed and ended the conversation with something stupid like...Well I'm sorry that I said hello and bothered you and I hope you enjoy the rest of your evening and then hangs up before I can even finish responding.
Normally I wouldn't do stuff like that, but I've had like 3 hours of sleep last night, partially because of work, but also because I've been so stressed out about this garbage. I mean, what the heck? You had to pick up a part in my city and you didn't make the connection that I live there until after you arrived? Like you couldn't contact me beforehand and suggest meeting up for a bit?
I don't think that's expecting too much. Heck, he was right by my work. He could've stopped by and said hello.
Blah. Now I have to get some advil. The literal pain in my neck won't go away.
« on: April 27, 2012, 08:40:31 PM »
I think, from what you've said above, you could just respond and say - "No, I don't hate you at all, but I have a lot going on right now. I will contact you when I have time to talk properly." (or something like that). I think it's better to respond and say that you don't have time to talk than to leave someone hanging wondering if you're going to get back to them)
Actually, I think that's a great way to respond. It's truthful, it buys you time to sort your thoughts and it's not being mean or manipulative.
(from a consideration point of view - I know there are others who would say that that's exactly the right thing to do, and if you keep her hanging she will become insecure and want you more. I just can't see that anything good comes out of a relationship sparked by insecurity
This may be somewhat off topic, but it's something that's been bugging me lately as I've been reading a lot of stuff that recommends putting the focus on yourself and being treated like a "princess". On one hand, I appreciate the idea of treating yourself with respect and taking care of yourself. On the other hand, it almost starts to sound like a power struggle. Do I really want to be with someone who constantly coddles me because they're afraid of losing me? Also, do I want to be in a relationship where I can't relax and just be loving towards them?
Anyway enough rambling, thanks for sharing that viewpoint. It's helping me sort out some thoughts.
« on: April 05, 2012, 07:23:03 AM »
« on: March 05, 2012, 01:13:05 AM »
« on: February 09, 2012, 07:59:13 AM »
Sorry, this is going to be long since well, I haven't written anything in a long time. I was hoping that I would be able to write an update when things were good, but eh. Guess not. Soooooo what I've been up to lately:
Last I wrote about my situation was in October when I was asking whether or not I should move to California. Well, it felt completely wrong to move at that time, so I waited till the end of the year. I mention this because it was one of those things where I could see how waiting till I was in alignment made a huge difference because things started coming together, such as money, opportunities and helpful recommendations. While before in October, nothing was working out for me and I was completely stressed.
Anyway, last month I flew out to Los Angeles, where I spent a few days looking for a place. It wasn't until the last day I was there, right when I was about to give up and settle for an ugly small place, that I found the apartment that was perfect for me.
Oh and while I was there my guy kept asking to meet up and then drove all the way down to where I was staying and took me out to dinner. Woo!
Anyway, at the end of the evening he dropped me off at my hotel and there was some awkwardness where he was just smiling at me from ear to ear. I had no clue if he wanted a kiss or what because he was just sitting there smiling. So I told him that I couldn't read him and that I felt like I should give him a hug. He said that would be nice and gave me this super tight hug. Then when I got out of the car he kept looking at me with that smile, so I said again, I really can't read you. He then patted the car seat with that same weird smile on his face and said maybe we should talk. I freaked out because well, that's the thing my mom does when she wants to tell me bad news.
So I said, no, that's ok and went back to my hotel room.
A little later, we chatted online and he asked about the awkward goodbye and if I was expecting anything. I said that I wasn't expecting anything, but I thought maybe he was. He said he was expecting at least a hug, so I told him I tend to be awkward about hugs if the other person doesn't lead. He then said, yeah I should know that about you by now and that next time he will remember to take charge. I probably should've asked if he was still talking about hugs, but for some reason I was certain he was talking about more than hugs.
Anyway, fast forward to now. I've been in California for about a week and things have been going pretty well. There have been some hiccups here and there, but usually it leads to something better happening. So I'm good.
The only thing that's a bit hazy is what's going on between me and him. I'll chat with him from time to time on instant messenger, but since I've moved he seems kind of distant. Then today we were chatting and it was kind of confusing. Like he was trying to invite me out, but then he wasn't. Like towards the end of the conversation he said that I should visit Chinatown because he goes there all the time and I said yeah sure, one day I will. Then he says, let me know when you do go there and I'll point some places out to you to visit. Is it just me or does that sound kind of stupid? Like why not invite yourself along?
Now I'll admit that I was being a bit difficult since I kept talking about how exhausted I was today from work and that I was just staying in and relaxing. But still, that doesn't mean I'm not open to meeting another day.
Anyway, after that conversation, I had a weird feeling, so I logged into OkCupid and saw that his online dating profile was up again and with a new photo. Bleh.
I'm not really sure what to think of this. Like, I can see how I wasn't attracting an invitation out because I was complaining. And yeah, I'm not quite 100% settled in, so I don't really feel prepared to be going out and entertaining. But I don't see how I attracted his online dating profile being up again.
Though…the other day I didn't chat with him even though we were both online. Maybe that had something to do with it? But eh. He could've said hello himself and I would've told him I couldn't chat because I was talking with someone else about something important.
I'm not really sure what to do now. Like part of me wonders if I've been too vague about my interest. But then, after all these years and all those stupid times I've told him how I felt, shouldn't he have some clue that I still like him? Could he really be that clueless?
Also, the last thing I want to do is have a conversation about my feelings and where we stand. I hate those sorts of conversations. They're just painfully uncomfortable and I'm always left feeling like some idiot who's going to get rejected. I don't want to say...HEY I LIKE YOU!!! like some weirdo. I just want things to flow naturally and develop into something awesome, kind of like how it was when we last met up. Sweet, a little awkward, but with some progress.
Anyway, sorry for all that rambling, but to those who managed to read the whole thing, what are your thoughts? Maybe you see something, that I'm not seeing because I'm way too close to the situation and a bit moody from moving?
« on: January 28, 2012, 08:58:12 AM »
My favorite LoA blogger is all about not doing anything http://goodvibeblog.com/slacker-manifesting-abigail-steidley/
while I myself tend to be a bit more action oriented (though I've gotten results with both approaches). So I'm curious to hear about what works for you and your thoughts and experiences with doing nothing or doing something.
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