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Topics - arminhul
« on: June 09, 2012, 09:25:16 PM »
I need to start studying and work very hard but I am not able to. I just don't feel like.
I am also missing my early morning classes and I am not studying at all. That is starting to bother me now. I have write this exam in 4 months and I should be studying my ass off but I just don't feel like studying. Having fun and enjoy a good time takes precedence over everything else. I guess since I spend such a long time being sad I am going out of my way to have fun. But I really need to study. It is a very tough exam and I havent a hope of doing well if I continue like this.
I need help. How to make myself study when I just don't feel like. How to motivate myself? Even if I start studying, I do max an hour and then my mind wanders off, I am busy dreaming LOA and visualizing stuff I want but no action I am taking.
What do I do? I have job too but that is no problem actually. I cleaned my table today for starters. Anything anyone can suggest to for me to start working hard.
« on: May 03, 2012, 10:54:50 PM »
I have been reading Osho and Buddha's teaching's and I wonder what the Buddha would have said about the LOA. Buddha is very logical and rational and he does not ask to first believe like most religions do. The Buddha's way was to give very rational, practical and logical reasons, which would make perfect sense and they do to me at least.
The Buddha said for instance to revel in being alone. There is no one coming to save us or improve our lives(take responsibility for ourselves), and it makes no sense to pray to something we don't even know for sure exists. Believe in god to find god they say. That is senseless according to the Buddha. How can you pray to someone you don't know and that too to find him. If you don't know him how can you pray to him. Its like making a map to get to a place which we have no idea where it is. So the time spent praying could be better spent actually getting on with improving our lives.
Also the Buddha never said god does not exist nor did he say he exists.
So my point is, that the Buddha has confused me.
Now I like the LOA. If fascinates me, makes me feel I have more control over my life. LOA is a very comforting thought to me. But I find Buddha's teachings very appealing. And as we equate the universe as god and LOA is talking to the universe(god)......I am confused.
Thanks for reading and please give your views
« on: April 07, 2012, 12:27:46 AM »
I have done some major progress in my life. I no longer feel like checking her profile, and even if I feel I am able to control myself. I am that determined to move on. I don't dwell on her and if she comes in my mind I immediatly start doing ho'opoponono affirmations.
A few days back a curious incident happened. Many times if happens to us that we have a deja vu moment we think we have seen the incident happening now before somewhere. Where I don't know. Dreams maybe.
Last Sunday I had a couple of dreams related to my her. My ex. In the first one, I remember seeing her online green meaning she had unblocked me. The second dream we were on a cruise ship as I gather. We watched a movie together. I remember sitting with her holding her, really close. I even remember her kissing me. Her present or apparent boyfriend also made an appearance, he was trying to show off and did a good job at it. I tried doing the same thing he did in the dream and by a fluke even I was able to do it. It was trying to hit a cricket wicket with a ball. It was a first person dream. I experienced her kissing me on the cheek repeatedly playfully showing her love for me.
Before this I had a dream about her in January I think. We were sitting at my grandfather veranda. She was sitting in my lap in that dream and we were discussing our relationship.
Now the very curious thing about these 3 dreams. These are the only dreams I remember. No other dream in the last at least 6 months I remember. Why when now I am so determined to move on get on ahead and absolutely let go of her, this happens. I dont dwell on her anymore. And even more curious why are these the only dreams I remember on waking up?
Now I know we dream about what we think during the day. But I only dont think of her. I had recently gone on a jungle trip with friends so I have been in a very good mood. Are these visions of the future? Some sign of some sort telling me I am vibrating right.
Another thing I should mention. Even though I am happy I am not completely detached. Because today I happened to saw her name on facebook on a post because she had liked it and it had other common friends likes on it. I had cut her news feed so anything she does on FB, does not show up in my account. So when I saw her name, my felt a jolt in my heart area.
So this is my present situation happy but still attached in someway. Doing ho'oponopono to heal myself and help detach.
Please share your views on this.
« on: March 18, 2012, 10:03:56 PM »
Lots of new names here. So I dont think most of you here know my story. I will tell it in short.
I met a girl in college, I fell madly in love, I loved her, we were together for 3.5 years. Then she left me for someone else. The last year we were together it was long distance.
We broke up, she broke up with me now almost 10 months back. I have tried to get her back, been pathetic, been strong, gone back and forth over elation and desperation many times. Now I sometimes feel a tinge of missing her, I feel resentment towards her and also the other guy.
I feel resentment because of the things that guy had said to be, when I had tried to find out what was wrong, and because of the terrible things she had said to me. I am bitter.
I have tried very hard to leave such feelings but I have not completely been successful. Somedays I don't feel resentment only love for her, sometimes it drives me crazy. Because she talks to him and not to me at all and I dont deserve that.
A few days back I asked her for a project which we had done together while in college. I needed her to mail it to me. She said she cant because it is to big a file and told me to ask someone else. I asked her why she behaves so, she said you have not left anyone so you dont know how it is. Whatever the reason unpleasantness was not needed or proper. She should have sent the file to me, seeing how much we worked on it and I have every right to the file. She was selfish. SHe has enough bandwidth to upload tons of photos on facebook but not send a file which I need.
It made me feel sad and resentful.
This was the first relationship for both of us. I am trying to be brutally practical here. I am thankful for the good times we spent. This back and forth thing has happened long enough and I want to completely move on.
I feel I must completely cut her off. Remove her from friends on facebook primarily. Because I dont want to see her. It gives jolt to me to see her and anything related to that guy just makes me feel sad.
Should I remove her from friends on facebook? It is a big decision. Because it will mean I am cutting ties when she is not bothered to even keep ties. But I am a hesitant to remove her Because I still want her in life, I want to know news about her. But I know it is also stopping me from moving on.
But I need to have my life back completely. I am 90% back full happiness, 10% is the attachment and fear of letting go. What if I lose her? I know I dont have her but then thats how stupid love has made me.
I want to be absolutely unaffected by her. I want to get to the point where she can have sex with that guy, marry that guy but it will not affect me at all. But I love her. And want her with me. But I want to be open to other girls. I want a relationship. Because it seems to be the right thing for me as of now.
I dont want to resent. I want to reach total zen, peace.
Will it help my cause? I need some encouragement guys. Thank you.
« on: March 02, 2012, 12:18:06 AM »
So one day I log into facebook and post a status which is a very rare occurance. I get many likes. Surprisingly and unexpectedly and pleasantly I get a like from my love. She even copied my status and put it up on her profile. Now this is definitely not something that had happened since we broke up. She will like everyone's else posts, pics and especially that other guy and even put the same status as the other guy but never mine.
Of course before she did this I had commented on hers, said good stuff. Taken a initiative on my own to show love and appreciation to her. ( We live in different cities and dont talk).
Guess that helped a bit or a lot. Yahoo she liked and copied my status.
I feel like a juvenile idiot for feeling happy over such a silly thing. But it is not silly too. I mean it is such a positive thing. She likes me, really likes me. HAhaha.
She loves me too, its just she has gone nuts for a while.
I am not a teenager really guys. I am grown ass young man. Oh I miss being lovey dovey. Kinda tired of the tough guy routine with my guy friends. Haha
« on: March 02, 2012, 12:04:56 AM »
I had come upon a post of a 7 day thing to manifest things in our life. I sort of tried it.
I did want certain things to happen and they have happened. I did not write them down though. I said thought it would be nice and make me happy if this happened. I did not even visualize much.
One was to go to friend's birthday I had lost touch with. Old school friend, we were not really that close friends but we have a common friend. Well I did call up the common friend to meet her, I was hoping I somehow get to join because she would be going. But it was just a wish. And I did not get invited, I was asked to join to give a birthday surprise. I agreed obviously and went for it in at 12am. Then it was so much fun. Five of us old school friends we chatted the whole night about old times, school, our careers and relationships and so many things.
Today I got a text from the birthday girl for a party this weekend. Belated birthday party. The universe gave me my wish.
Second thing I was hoping for a office collegue to not leave. Cause if he left the job I would be lonely at work. I did wish him all the best. It was an excellent job offer for him but I would prefer him staying. And as matters stand now he is staying. It was just something I wanted but it was not like I just never want him to get a better job. I would just miss him.
Third thing I want to happen is for my love to call me. We broke up 10 months back, I still love her. No call yet but I sure I will get a call from her one of these days.
Now I have questions.
I did not write or visualize the 2 wishes which the universe granted to me. So what did I do right? I mean how did I get it right.
« on: February 22, 2012, 11:06:33 PM »
So I log into facebook, I see a status update by her, and first comment is by that guy. About something and I dont know about what and he obviously knows. I feel like commenting what is this thing? But I am hesitant. What if it is seen as pathetic by her and by others.
I mean why do I even feel so. I feel like I have a right to know what is going on in her life. But she will not tell me. I am sick of feeling so. I want shut up and not do anything stupid now, like messaging her, or calling her or commenting or liking her posts. Because I know it is pathetic. I want to get my pride back. I have set myself a target to top an exam and I am determined to get the highest in it. I want to get in the best college. I want to show to her and myself that I dont need her.
But the fucking feeling just does not leave me. I am so sick of feeling like this. I keep finding myself thinking about that guy and how he came and destroyed my happy life. Destroyed my relationship and even I lost my best friend because of that. I know I cant blame him. She left. She is the one. But right now I feel so negative.
I goddamn love her so much. But it like I don't even exist for her anymore. I am a stranger. I can nowadays understand how love could turn hatred. I don't want to hate. I don't want to think vengeful thoughts. I just want peace.
Do I comment on her status. I really want to, but agian I am scared what if she does not even respond. That guy will be laughing whereever he is. I am sick of all these feelings.
How much longer. I know I have to keep the faith but I don't know I feel so negative for the last few days.
Her mom's birthday was a few days back and I had called her mom to wish her. It had been to good a chance not to call. Her mom was so very nice to me. She told me she knows I love her daughter. She thinks her daughter is lucky to have someone like me. She told me to keep the faith, concentrate on my career and leave the rest to destiny. She told me she understands me, her brother also understands me and because she knows me so well, she likes me. It felt very nice to talk to her mom.
But thing is I definitely dont have the daughter now. God I dont know. I keep wishing she would call me sometime. I know I am not ready for her. I am not emotionally prepared to lose her. I yearn for her and I think as long as I yearn for her I wont have her.
What to do. I just want peace. I want to be free of such feelings. Of missing her, anger, hurt, vengeful feelings. But it is so goddamn hard.
« on: February 13, 2012, 01:09:59 AM »
I had a chat with a very old school friend and one of my best friends yesterday. He had a terrbile break up 3 years ago. The girl cheated on him, then he lost both his parents, first his mother and then his father a year later.
We got talking about our breakups and he told me to ask her one simple question which will make me move on completely. He said to ask her if she has been physical with the other guy. I have always believed she did not. But doubts crept in me. So like a fool I called her and asked her that saying to do me one favour and tell me the truth. She said no, I asked if she kissed and she said not even a kiss. I believe it. She stays in a different city, she does not know him that well, and they dont get to meet. I asked her if she is still with him, she said yes. I don't believe that. I did a name search on her a few days back and found a new blog account she had opened, in that her relationship status is given as single.
Now it has been very long. I have been living alone for some weeks now, and I get lonely and I miss her. She asked me yesterday why I am again going backwards, I told her so. I asked her if she wants nothing to do with me, she said yes, I asked her again and then she was silent. Avoided the question.
She said she can feel I have not moved on. That makes her uncomfortable. That is why she cant talk to me.
When she told me yesterday nothing had happened with that guy I felt relieved, I felt a bit elated because she even entertained that question. She did not shout or bang the phone down. She was polite and nice. IS this pity, sympathy or some love still left in her. She was silent about not wanting anything to do with me. I have asked this before to she has evaded the question and talked about other stuff.
Since last night I have felt like sending a mail to her saying I never believed in what my friends had told. Our was a different kind of friendship and relationship. And also how now I am certain we are meant to be together and I wont give up on her. I have written the mail already. I have not sent it though.
Should I mail it or not? I dont want her to think ill of me because I asked her that question. What do I do? Help me keep my faith. I love her.
« on: January 25, 2012, 01:23:25 AM »
I have been keeping busy with work. Just immersed myself in it. Now I am in a place where even though sometimes my heart pines for her, everyday I think of her, but I am used to it now. Sometimes feeling of loneliness creep in but I handle it well.
I went on a date today. This is the first time in more than a year, I have been on a date, first time I have been alone with another girl. I like this girl. But I like my ex too. I like my ex more. This new girl is beautiful in every sense of the word. A bit innocent. Very sweet, very nice.
It was not an official date. I was just testing waters. She is a former colleague of mine from my old job. I called her up and said lets go for a movie, she thought I meant the whole team, with the others. Well anyway the others could not come. She was kind of unwilling then but she agreed on a little persistance. She thought just like friends. Movie did not materialise(yahoooo) cause all places were either booked or played something we did not want to see or was to late in the night. I knew it though, cause I planned it.
We went to a place to eat in a cab, she initially wanted to just grab food and go but she started enjoying being with me as we talked. She knows about my earlier relationship and what a wreck I had become and how I left the earlier job. She enquired about my ex. I told her its over, done finished. I am out of it all. We got talking about girls guys and relationships. I was saying that girls want a guy who can comfort not guys who will need comfort, some sense I was making, throwing a bit of philosophy, trying to impress her and all and basically convinced her that I am out of it and ready to date.
She said no girls are not like that, and all, I simply said I will ask you a simple question and that will prove my point about girls wanting the kind of guys I am saying. She said what and I said straight to her - would you date me? She was surprised and blurted out how can we, we are friends. I said so, it happens between friends. She asked me first what kind of girls you like. I simply said I like girls like you. She was again surprised. Lot more happened but I am not mentioning it.
Basically it went well. Anyway I am taking only positives from this. She was very comfortable with me.
I am confused because I am also wanting my ex back. Somehow the heart just wont give up. I got home, I am living alone now for a few days, roomate's gone out. I was feeling lonely I called her up(my ex). We talked, she recently went for some trip out. She said she uploaded pics on facebook. I said I cant see as I am not in friends. SHe acted surprised, then she sent a friend request. I saw her new pics. She was looking oh so beautiful. My heart gave another pang of missing her. I wanted to shout on the phone- stupid girl do you have any idea how much I love.
We spoke for twenty minutes, it was little uncomfortable, bit forced. But she did not cut the phone, she did not say she was busy, I knew she was not I had checked before calling.
It was polite. Not like how it was between us but courteous. She asked a few questions. We kept running out of topics to talk about. THere were long awkward silences. I dont know for sure the status of her relationship with other guy. But I am pretty sure it is not a committed one.
GUYS I need your advice. I still love my ex. But this other girl I can fall in love with. I am certainly trying see if I can and she can with me. I am conflicted here. It like I am firing more arrows so at least some target will be hit. Basically I think I dont want to be alone. I want to be with someone. I want to love someone. I want to be able to show my love. I want to express.
I have been texting my ex everyday for the last few days. My strategy is that she is not shutting me out, I can still get her back. Maybe she will call me oneday. She replied to my last night text today. Then I texted back and had a short conversation with her through text.
Thing is in all this with my ex, I am the one making it happen. I call, she never does, she did send me a freind request but only after I mentioned I am not in her friends.(I had angrily removed her some weeks back).
I told my ex over the phone she looked beautiful. But I am not sure if I should comment on her pic on facebook. Because I dont want to appear like I am the one pursuing her to others. Not very nice I know. I am just being truthful here.
I think I am lost. My friends tell me I am justified in dating another girl while trying to get my ex back. I did enjoy the date but still I find it a bit wrong. Am I not playing with this girl's heart? I don't want to do that. But god I dont want to be alone either. I have friends I meet them but still I feel lonely. I can't be all cute and stuff with guys, they will laugh
. But I want to do so. I like this girl. But I like ex too( more as of now).
Please advice me. I am not even sure anymore about what questions I want answers to.
If you guys can please understand anything from what I have written above please tell me.
2thetop, Bal- you guys must please say something.
« on: January 10, 2012, 12:14:22 AM »
I have had a weird feelings since yesterday. The feelings started after I finished talking to my love. It is an nervous excitement. The kind I used to feel before exams while in school. The acedemic was finishing and I had a lot of studying to do. Yesterday I had some office work which I was supposed to do but had not done. I was thinking maybe it was because of that. But this feeling has stayed with me all day today. I might even say it is the kind of excitement I felt before I told her for the first time that I liked her. Does this mean some energy shifting, is going on? It is not a bad feeling. Just nervous kind of feeling. And right now I have absolutely nothing to be worried about. I do hope to get in the top college and finish my masters this year but the exams for that are in May.
Could this energy be something my love is feeling? Because of her feelings? Like my wish is happening now? I havent had such a feeling for a very long time.
And I am in control again. No negative thoughts. I am content.
« on: January 08, 2012, 08:26:17 PM »
I took a risk and I think it paid off pretty well. I was feeling like calling her and telling her not to be scared of me. And I did. I called and we spoke for half and hour I think. When she had picked up she had started by shouting at me. I had been quite and said why you do this, I had asked are you in the mood to talk, she had said yes, and then the rest of the conversation had flowed. It started well, I asked her why she feels scared. She said she is not scared she is uncomfortable. She tried to explain and was adamant about explaining. She said she was young and immature when she was with me. She had sacred notions about love and was emotionally attached to me. When she changed cities she realised it was not so sacred. She wants to be with someone who is like her, thinks like her, has similar aims. She cried a bit. She said she does not want to talk. I was adamant on why so? Why I never did anything to make you feel so, in fact I was most careful that you dont feel so, I did nothing.
I asked her if she likes that guy so much. She said how can she tell so now? How can she say when she does not live or see him evryday? HAHAHAHAHAHA. That made me feel oh so good. She would never have said that if that was not the truth. So I asked her straight is she afraid to talk to me because she might fall in love with me again(inferred). Was I so bad? What did I do? She asked what you did, you mean when we where together or after it? I said both. She said it was very natural of what you did when I broke up. She did not answer the first one question. So I think all the smooching groping is fine with her. Man I was almost thinking I committed sin by being a horny teenager with her. She said she was childish. I said you think I am childish with every person, I was so only with her. I am calling you because I am an idiot, I still feel loyal, and even though I dont want to feel I do worry about you sometimes. She said you dont have to I have my parents and brother for it. Haha no mention of that guy.
I said to her that I understand now that men are to provide comfort not seek it. I am wrote that mail to you in anger. It was something I had written many times before but never mailed to you. I just added a bit to it and sent you. Because I wanted you to know what I had to go through and I still wish good to you. I said I am far better than you think I am. Dont think I want you back. It is not possible anymore. My family, my gran, my friends are against you? She laughed a bit when I said gran. I dont think it was out of disdain, it was general amusement. She did get a bit irritated in between before and when she laughed I told her that when you feel uncomfortable you shout and have no qualms being sharp but when you feel good on talking to me you never say so why? She was quite.
Somewhere in between I also said this to her. I told her when you are so uncomfortable speaking to me, chatting with me, what will you do when we do meet someday, the world is a small place after all. Will you run away? She said nothing to this. I told her if you still feel uncomfortable maybe something is still left. She said no. I pressed her and said as I have come to understand it there are 3 stages of moving on. First was when I obsessively wanted you back. Second was anger and hatred, I never wanted to see your face again. Third is not where I am, it does not matter to me anyway. Looks to me like you still in 2nd stage.
I said I felt like telling her about my new job, does she never feel like sharing her life with me. She said I would not be interested, I would not like it. I said why won't I like it. She had no answer. In the end I told her unblock me, add me. She said when she feels like. I said do you do this because of lack of respect or because you think I am such a low life. I said call me sometime this week alright. She said ok. We parted on good terms.
I also told somewhere in between that the things I said to her in the mail I sent, I had wanted to say earlier too but I did not because I still wanted her I did want her to think me as weak. I said now I say it as a friend, my family is against it, my mother is actually, I dont see her and me together, so it does not matter what she thinks of me. I added that what she thinks or thought of me defines her anyway not me. She was quick to add it defines me because we were a couple back then. She asked why my thinking has changed, I said I had idealist notions about love. Now I have simply adapted.
So I think that guy is nowhere in the picture. He is just for ceremonial purposes. Maybe to keep me at bay. But no one loves her as much as I. I do have a right to fight for my girl. And fight I will. I sensed there was love left in her heart. No enough to pull her to me, not enough for that guy to make her commit to him. She tried to tell me that it was not so. She said she does not know how much she can do now to make me understand. I told her friends are important. At least value the friendship. I showed her a bit of hardness, a bit softness. I showed her the guy she loved, and who still loves her. I may have said something different but I showed her my heart.
Comments please? Am I being an idiot? Lovestruck idiot?
PS: Why are women so confusing and so confused?
« on: January 04, 2012, 12:40:21 AM »
I wrote a mail to her and her boyfriend. It was mail with a bit of venting, telling them both the hell they caused me, but also saying I am glad it happened. And thanking them for the good it did to me. I forgave them and myself too for feeling hatred towards them. It was a polite mail. Not disrespectful at all. I wished them a happy new year.
She replied and then after a few hours sent another mail saying she is pained at the hurt she did to me. That she spoke harshly because she had no answers to my question and still does not have and that is why she avoids me because it disturbs her.
I relied back today saying pretty much that I dont believe it. If she was really pained to hurt me she would not continue to behave the way she is, that actions speak louder than words and her words and actions definitely dont match. I was not harsh I was polite and as nice I could be without being on the backfoot.
The boyfriend did not even reply. That was impolite. I mean what is the big deal in just wishing happy new year. It just gave me another reason to think that he is not a nice guy. I mean I had to do the forgiving not him. It is hard to wish well to someone who causes us pain.
Anyway I am detached. I am absolutely free of her. But seeing that she was compelled to sent two mails to me sounds like she is a but confused. I dont want to get my hopes high and I have managed not too to. A part of me still likes to think that she is innocent and a nice girl. But a friend said that her reply is simply her saying she is not responsible for anything. I feel he is right. Her actions really don't match up.
While we were chatting before i sent her the mail we got into a fight. She said she did not answer the phone because her family is nearby. But I think it is <<word Removed>> and told her so. And she blocked me.
I removed her from facebook friends. Not as revenge but just to show I can too. I told her in the mail that I am doing it and if she wants to be friends she must try to be one, also that I dont think she will and I dont care if she does too.
I had sent my initial mail to her and boyfriend after she had blocked me. But when she replied saying she is pained by hurting me I was blocked then too. That tells me her reply was a sham to salvage some dignity like my friend said.
I hope I did the right thing by telling her not to <<Word removed>> me(politely of course).
I had also met a guy who studies in her college yesterday and he knows her. I did not ask him about her. I have a feeling that everytime I am going away something happens which somehow shows that something is still left in her heart. And I met the guy from her college too. Are these signs? I dont know.
But I am happy on my own. And I still believe that she will come to me. I dont spend the day thinking about it though.
SO what you guys think is happening and has happened to me?
« on: December 22, 2011, 08:58:21 PM »
So I had a beautiful dream with my love in it. I woke up today morning shut the alarm and went to sleep again. Then after I woke up again I remembered the dream. Now I don't know if this dream is from the "after shutting the alarm sleep" but it was a beautiful one.
This was by far the clearest dream about her I have had, she was back with me and we were discussing like grown ups what went wrong. I had her in my lap and we were hugging each other. I remember we were sitting in my grandmother's veranda. That was surprising sitting on my gran's veranda with her. I mean that happening in a dream, I have never taken her to my gran's place, no memories there. And also I grew up away from my gran's, only went there during holidays and haven't been there for the last 3 years now. Anyway I take it as a good sign meaning that she will be a member of my family.
It felt good, happy, I remember holding her, feeling her, feeling her weight sitting in my lap. She was crying a bit in the dream I think, I am not sure though. I think I was comforting her I am not sure though.
Anyway it was surprising to dream about her. I haven't had a dream about her for ages now. The last dreams I remember were depressing with us arguing and her still with the other guy.
I think I had this dream because I have successfully being able to stabilize and keep a happy vibration. I still think of her, I do end her noticing if she is online or not, but I am definitely not depressed or desperate. I feel calm. I am calm.
I also want to mention the most depressing horrible dream I have ever had that I remember. It was after a night of sleeplessness, the greatest shock and pain, I had just found out she was definitely with the other guy. Sleep had come with the greatest difficulty and I had dream't that she married that guy. I think I got that dream because I was thinking so negative at that time. My vibrations were extremely hopeless, desperate, sad.... so I got the dream.
And today I get this beautiful dream with her sitting on my lap and us hugging. It felt so real. On waking up I did not feel any pangs of sadness on still not having her. I felt good, positive, even inspired. I felt happy that even if in a dream I had her with me like I used to. I just concentrated on feeling happy about the dream. I am grateful I had this dream.
« on: December 18, 2011, 02:01:30 AM »
The love of my life called me today.
2 days back while chatting with her(she was not very interested) I had simply taken a leap of faith and told her I wished to speak to her. She had replied after sometime that she would call me later in the night. She did not call. I did not wait up but went to sleep and did not feel bad that she did not call. Yesterday while I at work she called, but I was in a meeting then. I just stared surprised at the phone, it rung for like 15 seconds and stopped, she did not even wait for the full minute for me to pick the call. Anyway I did not call her back.
I thought of it as a test that I passed. She did not call the first night, I did not feel bad, she called yesterday I missed it but I did not feel like calling her back.
But today she called again. She said she had lost my number, her phone had got wet and all. She found my number in her mail. Maybe it is the truth but I take it as a good sign that she felt compelled to give me an explanation. I was cool throughout, no excitement, polite, nice, ice cool. I asked when the phone got wet and on her telling me simplt remarked that maybe that was why she could not reply to me on her birthday when I had called her and messaged her. Her response to this I don't know whether to think of it as surprise(if she really did not know) or acting. I will keep an open mind about it anyway.
She asked me about my life, my job and all. I answered. She asked about my parents. Then she herself said she will be going home to her parents this holiday. I said nice good you will meet them after a long time. She said she has exams going on. I did not ask her much about herself. I asked how is her mom and famliy. She said all good. I wished her all the best for her exams and said goodbye.
It felt good. But I am not partuicularly thrilled on her calling. I am not desperate. I am detached to a great degree.
I am at peace.
« on: December 16, 2011, 12:13:01 AM »
So I finally got a job. An internship actually, a small firm, I don't get paid, they will see for a month how I do and then decide. I changed careers with this job.
Past few days I have been doing good with the moving on part. Not looking at her profile, not checking to see if she is online. Reading positive, trying with all my might to stay positive, concentrating on myself, my career, my plans, looking at colleges where I can do my masters. Then I got this internship.
Earlier when I was with her sharing news about important things with her was fun. She would usually be the first person I would call to inform of whatever happened with me. So I was slightly missing that feeling of sharing with her the news of my new job. Today I went to meet a client in my city where she used to live when she was here. That brought back memories. After I came back to office after the meeting, I spent quite some time in missing her, my eyes welled up but I kept saying to myself that I am strong I have to move on to have any chance of having her back.
My love is a great women. I am not worshipping her here I am saying the truth. She may have been terrrible with me these past few months but while she was with me she lit up my world. The good is still a lot more than the bad. She is a highly driven, ambitious girl, very hardworking. While I have been mostly content in my life to get things done easy, happy to be above average in a group of average people. I have done well but I could have done way better.
She did say to me when she left that she felt superior to me. She wants a husband who is superior to her. It was brutal when she said. She wanted to be able to worship her man and I could not be that man. When I can find so many things lacking in myself I should not be blaming her for leaving. It is about me not her. I was simply put maybe not man enough to keep her.
I have tried to counter this the past 6-7 months by saying to myself what about faithfulness? But that was out of weakness on my part I suppose.
I have know this and said this to myself for six months but I was so broken I could do nothing to change it. Now I am taking the baby steps to changing it. Realising my full potential to be her equal and more. Be eveything I have ever wanted to be and more.
I am a loving person. I truly loved her a lot. Still do. But as she said when she left me among many things, love is not enough. I understood what she meant then, but I think the actual realisation I am still grasping. Love cannot feed. I could feed her yes but I was content so I did not have any urgency to do anything big. I had a good job, good money was coming in, and I had love. I was complacent. I was not pushing myself to go higher.
So she found someone who was as motivated as she is and fell for him. True she treated me bad after that but I could have prevented it. Our relationship was very loving, best friends, complete freedom, we did not even have fights. In the 3.5 years we were together I can remember just 4 instances as of now of us fighting.
I think is because of this too that i simply still refuse to believe that I can't have her again. But if I slack up I definitely will. Another reason I can't give up on her is because I can find so many faults with myself. My faults are not relationship destroying kind but I guess they do matter.
My relationship with my parents is a lot less than ideal. I fight and shout at my parents. I have given then a lot of pain. I guess the pain I felt when my love left me I fully deserve. This must be what my parents feel like when I hurt them. I don't do it on purpose, it just happens. But my parents still love me unconditionally. I feel the same way for her.
I would not feel such pain if it was not her who left. I needed to know what pain really is.
Recently my father added her on facebook. She accepted. My father knows all that has happened. He thinks highly of her. As do I. Even thought I fall terribly short of being anywhere near as great as my father I do have his sense of right and wrong. I may not always agree with him but eventually I do and I repent.
I have tears in my eyes now. My wish is that I become the man first and foremost the kind that my parents are truly proud of me. That I never hurt them, never shout at them, be with them as I was when I was with her. Kind considerate. I take so many liberties with my parents. Simple because I know they will still love me. I don't do it on purpose, but maybe I do, I don't change.
I deserved the pain my went through and the pain I still feel. It is the result of my karma.
I wish the universe to help me change for the better, help me redefine myself. Become a man like my father. Loving like my mother. Be forgiving like my father. Strong, stoic, calm, determined, powerful, healthy, kind. This is what I want the most. Because when I become that man, I will be able to do everything.
Please tell me your views on my thoughts
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