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Topics - onetwothreefour
« on: May 06, 2013, 06:17:55 PM »
First of all: sorry for my negativity and for that I've brought down your positivity in the past.
I know many of you are annoyed by my constant blabber and negativity. Understandable. Because I am probably the most negative person you could ever meet right now. I would like this topic to be the last I start here for a while. As some of you probably know I went through serious suffering. Hit rock bottom many times. Not as hard as this time though. 8 years of serious depression had brought me to a place where I am just a shell. Not a functioning human being. I vegetate my life through. I have serious problems. In my personality. The normal state of mind for me is self-pity, depression, negativity. These 8 years have made their toll on me seriously.
I didn't have many relationships before. But I know what real love is. I can love very deeply and I am proud of that. I met a girl in September last year and she quickly grew close to my heart. We had the most amazing time together. We could talk for 16 hours straight and wouldn't even notice. i gradually fell in love with her. Her whole personality. I've used RS/RI and LOA to attract her to me. And it was successful. She got so attracted to me that this tension could be felt in the air around us. I used RS/RI successfully and eventually she wanted to be with me and desired me very much. And even told me that we would be a great couple together. Everything seemed fine.
But in February she had to move away. She got dropped out of University and had to move 80 miles away. But things seemed fine even then. But I was afraid of losing her so I wrote her a message in which I cofessed my love to her. She told me that she was still in love with her ex, but she fell in love with me as well, that she likes me as a partner. She wrote me a card on FB on Valentines day that she misses me and would like to visit me. And a few days later she did. We were together the whole day, but then she had to go back to her city. By that time it seemed that we would get together for sure. But I sensed some resistance on her part because she was still in love with her ex. So out of fear, i wrote to her a message in which I explained that I was unsure, I know that she still loves her Ex and I don't want to be a third wheel and if I cannot make her happy then I should just let her go. She got mad, but eventually we started talking again after a week. But a few days later after that she told me that I was right and she cannot take responsibility for someone else right now because it is unfair to heal by going into a new relationship. So we agreed to stay friends and we talked without problem for a month, in this time she seemed to care about me still and our conversations were still great. And she even mentioned that she isn't ready for a relationship for like 2-3 months. She seemed to be still interested in me.
But as she slowly moved on with her life i was left here disappointed and devastated. I got drunk many times and wrote her messages in which I pleaded, begged, asked for an answer on what I meant to her. She always said that she likes me and respects me. But due to the pressure of my letters and my clingyness she grew distant. I attracted some conversations and a phone call from her since then, but nothing major. She has fun with other people. There are like 8 people in her life right now who would like to get together with her. And there is someone now with who she seems to be getting along really well. I am kind of afraid that they might get together, because they are a lot like each other.
So here I am right now. Depressed. Devastated and disappointed about myself, my value, and love. But i want her back. Because what we had between us was truly amazing. This level of companionship is truly rare. We are a lot like each other. Share a lot of same interests. Think alike. And even look alike. Our faces are really look alike and our smiles even. I had breakups before as you've probably encountered by my previous posts from a year ago. But I've never felt like this. To me there are no other women. She is the only one I could imagine my life with. I feel that she is my partner. Today I wrote to her that I sorry and I apologize for everything, but I miss her so very much. To which she only replied: "Hy! No problem:)) oh come on!
)" So she didn't say she misses me as well. It was just a polite response.
I love her. I want to get back together with her and share a wonderful new relationship in which both of us finally can experience true love, happiness and harmony. I am in love with E. And I want her to fall in love with me as well. I want us to be together in a long-term loving relationship.
I sorry for my constant negativity. But I really went through hell in the previous years and it left me completely empty. But I want her back in my life. I want us to be together.
What do you guys suggest? Should I go NC? Do you have any additional advice that are not in the getting your Ex back resource thread? Or recent success stories that are not included there?
« on: April 16, 2013, 07:25:16 PM »
Hi everyone! It is going to be a really long ex story, but please I really need your wisdom on this issue.
I don't know anymore what to do with my ex story. I met this girl 7 months ago. She and i were in the same apartment and spent a lot of time together. It was an amazing time in my life. She was the first person i could really open up to. We could talk for days really. More than one occasion we spent 14 hours straight talking to each other. It was amazing. We always had a fun time together. Watched movies together etc. She moved to this apartment because she couldn't stay in the same city with her ex. And she was still in love with him, but really wanted to move on.
On many occasions she told me that we would be great together that we are a good team. That she talked with her girlfriends and they said that i am such an unbelievably great guy, that i am a keeper. There was great chemistry between us as well, until the point that we couldn't resist anymore and spent together the night. Basically she jumped on me, due to my RS sessions.
But she moved away two months ago, because her job ended and couldn't afford to live here anymore. At that point i told her about my feelings, and how much i want her. She was still attached to her ex, but told me that she chooses me and came back to my city and spent another day and night together. But since then things got cold between us. She became distant, because i was so afraid of losing her. So i wrote another message to her that i know that she is still to attached to her ex, and i am afraid that she doesn't want to be with me at all. It struck her and she felt really bad about it, but didn't really appeared so devastated. But eventually we started talking again and days later she told me that she is unable to take responsibility for someone, because she wants to get over her ex for sure, but we could stay in contact. So we did.
But i was devastated. In my last two months i barely had any clean moments. I was either drunk or hungover. And sent her three additional messages in which i wanted answers. If she felt anything for me at all or not? She pretty much avoided a clean answer and told me the same things over and over again, and that she doesn't want to be with anyone, although there are other people who would be interested in her. That she thought she was ready for a new relationship, but her ex has a new girlfriend and it struck her and she feels devastated.
We barely talked for two weeks now, because i drunk messaged her again, asking the same things i did before, deleted her from facebook then took her back, and i even asked her in desperation why is it so hard for me to let her go... So I pretty much made all the mistakes one can make.
Nowadays she feels better, but told me two days ago that she felt so devastated about her life that she cried two days through. But apart from these conversations we barely talk, and if i don't write to her she wouldn't write to me.
I truly love her. Deeply. But i am devastated because of this. I want to be together with her, but she appears to be doing great without me. And doesn't need me in her life anymore, and lost all interest. I don't know what to do. Should i keep this thing going and keep the desire to be with her or just accept that we will never again be together and move on?
I don't know what to do... I want to be with her, but there is distance between us and she seems totally neutral toward me now... Please guys help me! What should i do?
« on: April 03, 2013, 01:45:46 AM »
Hi guys! For many years i 've been living like a recluse. Totally alone. Separated from everybody and life as well. And it took a great bite on me. I can no longer bear loneliness. I want people in my life. I want friends. social life, adventures. How am i supposed to achieve it all? If i pretty much lack the necessary social skills and communicational abilities and oh yes i am completely alone and know no one? What steps should be taken. I have a few ideas but i would like to know your opinion on that. And are there any success stories in which people from my situation got up and manifested the mentioned lifestyle, and things? Thank you guys! You've been given really helpful advice before and i am grateful to and for you!
« on: March 06, 2013, 05:08:45 PM »
Hi everybody! Most of you i guess are familiar with my story. In a summary i went through 7 years of suicidal depression. I pushed everybody away from me. I lived my life in a room. Reclused. For seven years. I met a girl 4 years ago and i fell for her. But she went away. I hit rock bottom and chose a very bad profession for myself which i hate. I am at university right now. Doing something i utterly hate. I met another girl after two years of being completely alone. And i fell in love with her, but she moved away. I told her how i felt for her and for a brief period it seemed that we might be able to get together. Her life is kind of hard right now. She is going through a crisis. She moved twice in a month. When we met she just got out of a very bad relationship. Yesterday she told me that she is going through very hard times and she doesn't even know what she feels... And cannot take responsibility for another person, because she won't be able to make this person happy. But we could stay friends.
I feel devastated. The very same pattern repeated itself. I loved someone with my full heart. I gave her everything, was there for her in her problems. And she even mentioned many times that we would be good together. But everything changed after she moved and i told her my feelings.
Now i am completely alone. I have not a single person in my life who would actually care about what is going on with me. No one. I am lonely and depressed again. Doing something 12 hours a day that makes me physically ill. I have to get out of this. I am like the only person on this forum who keeps getting into the same s**it over and over again. Who doesn't get better.
So i would like to know how you did it? What did you do? How did you turn your lives around? Where to begin? How?
« on: February 14, 2013, 03:39:39 PM »
Hi everybody! First of all happy Valentine's day to you all!
I've been down before. Many times. I've been suicidal many times. And right now i am going through hard times all over again. I had just gotten over my ex and bam i met another girl with who i've experienced the very same breakup pattern. I've confessed my love to her a few days ago she said that she liked me too as a man as a partner and that she is confused. She has been avoiding me for a few days now. I realized that i should just let go of everything now. Just no more life changing plans for a while. No more looking for love... This morning i saw the sun come up. Maybe i never saw it this way before. I felt something that was an alien emotion for me most of my life. Gratitude. I am grateful that i've met both of these girls. It is the second Valentine's day that i spend alone. And for some strange reason i feel grateful. I feel hope.
Yesterday i went out to drink myself silly. And a homeless guy came up to me on the street and asked for a few pennies. I gave him some and we started talking. He has cancer, he is completely alone, and homeless. It felt good that i was actually kept him talking and let him tell me his story. At the end of our conversation i gave him a few more bucks. And it brought tears into his eyes. I couldn't help him. I couldn't cure him. But the fact that i was there for him even for a few minutes made me feel great. If god exists he isn't just. But for a few minutes i was. I helped this poor man. Made his life a bit more bearable and probably showed him after long years how acceptance and love feels. Bad things happen in life... And sometimes there is nothing you can do about it. You can only hold your breath and count to ten. I think i finally let go of my oars. I would like to stay like this for a while. Don't think. Don't suffer. Just be.
I would like to close this post with the following quote from Lion King:
« on: February 09, 2013, 01:51:05 PM »
This is sort of an update on my current situation. I've met a girl five months ago. And eventually i fell in love with her. We could talk whole nights through. She just got out of a relationship five months ago but she was seeing her ex till like 3 months ago. We were totally on the same wavelength. Same interests. Same opinions. We were different at the same time on many levels and that made it very interesting. And there was great sexual tension between us and eventually we made out. BUT. Almost 1.5 months ago we found out that she has to leave because she cannot find a job here in this city and at the same time she got expelled from university a few days ago. I was devastated. Again. Pretty much the same scenario repeated itself that i've already experienced with my ex (See discussion history). I tried to make thigs good this time. I really made an effort not to make the same mistakes again, and yet life CUTS down my plans. She moved out of our apartment three days ago, but we kept talking on facebook and we kept flirting. Then i realized that i probably won't see her again. So i've sent her a message in which i told her what i felt for her and i thank everything. She was "shocked". She told me that she had a hunch for this but it is shocking to read it. She also told me that a few days after we made out she dated someone else as well, and she made out with someone else. And now she feels that she cannot decide between me and her ex (whom she told me she hated and would never get together with again). So everything i thought about our relationship was false. I fell in love with an illusion. I experienced the same scenario again. And what is it that i can learn from this? I should stay away from love. I should not care about people. I should just get what i want from everyone and don't give a f*** about what they want. I was a really nice guy, i cared about her, i listened to her, i really accepted and loved her. She even said that i am a one in a thousand kind of guy and that i am unbelievable in a good way. Buti've learned my lesson: nice guys finish last. I just need to be a jerk. At least i wouldn't be used by everyone.I tried to live my life as best i could. All i've asked for was love. And this is what i got? Then why should i care about other people's feelings? Karma doesn't work for i never hurt anybody intentionally, and still all i got was pain.
« on: February 03, 2013, 05:35:42 AM »
I really need to make dramatic changes in my lifestyle, and because i am completely alone i don't think i would be able to do it on my own. So i decided that i need people in my life who already live the life i desire. And who would pull me forward with themselves. But. You only attract things with which you are aligned. So if you want positive people in your life you would need to shift your state to a more positive one. Is it possible to attract such people into my life? I am not a particularly positive person and there is a huge gap between where i want to be and where i currently am.
« on: February 01, 2013, 01:55:07 AM »
Hi guys! I really appreciated your help in my last post. It helped. I wonder if you would post really inspiring life changing success stories, where people went from "rags to riches"? In not just a financial matter but on overall happiness, lifestyle... If you would send me link to such stories i would be even more grateful! Thank you guys, have a great day!
« on: January 24, 2013, 02:44:54 PM »
Many times before i thought and said i hit rock bottom. But i can now honestly say that it could not be any more worse than it currently is. I am sorry for being here just to whine to you and drag you down. But i have nobody to talk to. Absolutely no one. I am desperate to get some help and to talk to someone. I need friends. I need social life, but i've been a recluse all my life. Every mistake i've ever made just fell on me in one take. I can't deal with this any more. I've been to a psychologist who said i am not depressed, i am just utterly lonely. But does it matter? Suffering is suffering it doesn't matter what caused it. I don't know where to go. I am studying at University a subject which is killing me emotionally and physically. I have absolutely no one to talk to. Not a single friend. And now the only person with who i could have some good time is leaving me. I am not empty. It is an overstatement. I have a huge void, a huge vacuum in my life and in myself as well. I had plans before on how i could make it better but all of them failed. And now i don't know what to do, i don't know which way leads me out of this. I tried to release these feelings out of my system, but it didn't work. All of these feeling stayed and i have other responsibilities i have to fulfill, like studying for my exams. But i am unable to. If any of you have any advice i would really like to hear it. I am hopeless. Please.
« on: January 09, 2013, 04:44:31 AM »
Hi and i wish a happy new year to all of you including me!
I would like to hear your opinion on how to solve my situation, because right now i just want all the help i can get. I need it.
This needs a little back-story. Since my early childhood i was terrorized and beaten up, by my peers, and sometimes by people i considered my friends. From kindergarten through primary school. I had been beaten up and terrorized on a daily basis. That made me a recluse. I hid and isolated myself from other people. I have been depressed for 7 years. I am twenty years old. I am completely alone, with no one to talk to, with no one by my side.
The last posts i made were about an ex i wanted to get over. I was successful in that. I've never seen her again, but i was fine. Even managed to attract someone into my life with who i felt great. I could talk a whole bight through with her. We were on the same wavelength and chemistry just worked between us. But i messed it up with my insecurities. After we were together for the first time i got scared that i might get hurt. I was too afraid of being with her, because all i've experienced so far only disappointed me about people. I became distant, cold to her. Eventually she did the same. Now she is really cold, distant, and avoids me. And it seems that she has to move to another city, very far from me, because she can't find a job here. That just completely destroyed me. Again. So pretty much despite all my efforts the same scenario repeated itself as last time.
I've had enough of thinking that life is so unfair. I tried my best this time. And if she wouldn't leave i may be able to work things out. But the universe/fate just gave me the middle finger again.
I am completely alone. Have no friends. Not a single one. She was the only person i talked to. I have many character defects. And so many things in my life i need to get together. I've been crying for 3 straight days now. Can't focus on my exams.
How would you guys solve this issue if you were in my shoes? I really need help! And don't worry, it is not some kind of iamsuicidalandicryforhelp kind of post. But i still need help.
« on: November 26, 2011, 12:39:26 AM »
In the recent few days i got really discouraged of every desire i currently have. FOr most of my life i was a textbook introvert. A really shy persom with no social skills. But i was always unhappy with that. I am disgusted of the thought of being an introvert. I want to konw people. I want to talk. I want to lead people. And to be respected and loved by others. And this evoked a huge inner conflict, because i don't know if it is possible. I completely lost track of who i am many years ago, and right now i doN't know who i am and what am i like. I am depressed again probably because i can't stand a minute more at the course i am currently at in University. I am afraid that by studying physics i would become a damn recluse who lives in a tiny room solving equations. I know i doN't want to be an introvert, but everything points to that i was born this way so i will never change. But what makes someone an introvert or an extrovert? Am i an extrovert by wishing to be one, by having all the desires of an extrovert, or i am just a pathetic introvert who tries to idealise himself?
« on: November 13, 2011, 02:10:25 PM »
I can stay longer and longer in the vortex. I am getting better, and establishing a far healthier state of mind. But i am currently at university, and i hate my course. I just know it is not meant for me. The simple thought that i will have to work in this field disgusts me. But i doN't know what to do, where to proceed. I don't know which way should i go. I want to know what is my soul mission so that i can fulfill it, so that i can make the right decision, that leads me forward on my path. Is there a way i can ask the universe for a sign, or guidance?
« on: November 05, 2011, 01:30:36 PM »
I finally gave up altogether. No more Ex. No more big world-saving plans. I realised if i don't change myself, if i don't do something to get happy, to stabilise my emotional rollercoaster i will reach a miserable end, leaving much more suffering behind as much i feel. I have to do something. I used to be a happy child, i used to be a happy adolescent. And i don't want to battle with depression for the rest of my life, because it is unfair. How am i supposed to feel happy, to feel connected to source if i have this illness. It is a huge drawback. I don't know what depression is from LOA's perspective. But i need help to get rid of it. I don't want to use drugs, because they would slowlyy destroy my liver and kidneys, not to mention that most of them increase suicidal rates. I want to know what depression is so that i can finish it before it finishes me. For years now I am a loner, i have no friends, my love who gave purpose to living left me, my past decisions are continuously destroying my present. I became such a negative person that i cannot even stand myself. If i see someone happy i can only think that he or she is faking it. For years now i only feel stoic emptyness, I am bored about everything, i completely lost my motivation to do anything. I can only live in the past, i always did. I couldn't appreciate the present but i long for my past, and these feelings slowly eat me up.
Please if any of you have any experience with dealing with depression. Using LOA to get rid of it, using LOA to become an emotionally stabile person, please i need every helping thought and LOA "gimmick" right now. Thank you!
« on: October 24, 2011, 07:54:40 PM »
Beware dear reader, it is a long story, and it is probably still very far from it's catharsis.
I created this article, because to: first of all, share my story, and to have a static place that i can update, if it becomes necessary.
I am part of the huge camp of LOA practitioners who are trying to get their ex back. My story started approximately four years ago. When i met a wonderful woman, who was 8.5 years my senior. The attraction between us was obvious from the beginning. I was still a boy, in many sense, so i was unable to properly interpret my feelings for her at the time, but it is apparent now, from hte distance of four years that i fell in love with her instantly. I was a precocious child, and i became a precocious teenager, and eventually a precocious adult. I could never find company in hte group of my generation. I was somehow always an outsider. An adult among children. And by this i was lonely in most of my childhood. So i quess it is quite understandable we i fell in love with her. And why she fell in love with me as well. We had a lot in common. And slowly but steadily this love became mutual. We were really alike, in temperament, in personality, in likes, dislikes, in thinking. And it is interesting that our smiles were so alike too. When i look into the mirror (well i find it hard to smile recently, but when i do) i see her face, her reflection in the mirror. Our love, wasn't about passion, it wasn't sexual. It was platonic, but very real. It was a silent love. But somehow i always had the feeling, that it is only the silence before the storm. That our love will be fulfilled one day. And, oh boy... she loved me very much. A single glance of mine was enough to turn her all red. A smile of mine was enough to make her entire week glamorous. And it was true vice versa. We always smiled in each others company, when we were together i felt as if the entire world would have stopped. We were the only ones who lived, we were only ones who loved, we were the only ones who mattered. And it was the most beautiful time in my life. But after a while we both let our anxieties, worries to creep into this promising relationship. There was the age difference, and by that came the fear that it isn't right. That this is somehow destined to end up miserable. So we both started to become more obsessive and less loving toward the other, and possessiveness started. I became very distant to her, because i was afraid, i was afraid that i will mess something up, that she might not love me at all et cetera. And i saw it in her eyes too. Eventually i sad hurtful things unintentionally, and she said hurtful thing intentionally. We got estranged from one another. The final months were hellish. I was jealous at everyone she talked to. And she acted antagonistic towards me. It is quite hard for me to express in words the true nature of our relationship. The exact way things had happened. And every little experience that created this all. But eventually we departed. Because of the pain this relationship caused me, i decided to give it up. I wanted love. Not possessiveness, not anxiety. So i had started to slowly delete her from my life, i destroyed every picture, just everything that reminded me of her. I continued this till the point my room felt completely naked, and there wasn't a single thing in it from the last years. I feng shui'd everything. I made my love corner, my love altar. created a magic box, a vision map, wrote a list about my ideal mate. And of course visualised a happy life with that mate. The first time i got introduce to LOA i wrote a list, in which i wanted my now Ex to contact me (she later did), i wanted to meet her, i wanted her to love me again, i wanted our love to be revived. But eventually i threw this letter away in my room, and it landed behind my desk, and i forgot it. I last saw her in June. I last contacted her in June. I sent her a message in which i thanked her for all the good things, and wished her a happy future. She never replied. The last day we talked in person, i felt tha way i used to feel. I felt that pure love i have when there were no worries, no anxieties in this relationship. And i saw it in her eyes that she was in pain, that she regretted everything that destroyed the us, the we, and created the you and i. After this i was devastated, and completely hopeless. I felt as if she was part of my soul. That before i met her i was incomplete. And that after i lost her i became incomplete again.
I was drunk for a few days. I went hitchhiking. Not a good combination. But after that i again decided to forget her. I focused on my ideal mate. And in three weeks i was fine. For three years i had been thinking about her every day, but then it was nothing, the picture of my future wife replaced her's in my mind. I was happy. Now i know that i was in the vortex. Then things started to get stirred up. During a complete cleanup in my room, i found the letter i wrote when i got introduced to LOA. I laughed at it and burned it. That night i dreamt about her. I dreamt about her for four nights in a row. Im these dreams we were happy. We were in love with each other.
In one of those dreams she came out of a house holding two copies of "The shack" in her hand. As she walked past me she smiled, and walked away towards the local mall. I had rented out "The shack" a month ago from the local library, and it rent time has expired a few days after the dream, so i returned it. Then i had the feeling that i gotta buy it from the mall. So there i went, and bought the book. As i left the mall i saw her sitting on a bench with her friend. It stuck me. My heart beat so hard that i nearly fainted. But it left. I didn't go there to talk to her.
Since then i cannot push her out of my mind. From that point i fell in love with her again. Five months have passed. And i love her just as much as i did when i first met her. I wrote another letter to the universe in which i asked for a few things. I asked to see her in the street, i asked to see her online on facebook, i wanted her to contact me, i wanted her to love me again, i wanted to marry her, and to establish a family together. I have been battling with depression for a month now, so i am unable to think positively. A week ago, i saw her in the street. I saw her online on FB a few days ago. I feel that the universe is trying to mock me. Because according to her FB activities she is happy. I think she forgot me altogether. And i am living hell on earth. Switching between suicidal thought and complete madness.
Oh yeah... i nearly forgot to mention, my angel experiences. Sorry for being so incoherent in my writing, but
first: i am exhausted because of University.
second: i am tired because of depression.
I got a free angel reading in the summer in which archangel Michael told me (if it is all true) that i must work on myself, and the reading was otherwise deadly accurate. It said: "You should work on yourself not on the relationship you want now. You can't attract that perfect lover from the place of desperation. Michael urges you not to let the fear of being alone freighten you anymore. You must work on yourself before you can attract your one and only mate for this lifetime. And she is mot in the place where she can attract you either, because of her personal issues."
I have many more good LOA success experiences. And i am planning to share them, but right now i have to leave.
« on: October 19, 2011, 07:29:36 PM »
My last post was so full of desperation, that right now i cannot even make up my mind to red it again. I want to thank you all for your help, and love. I really needed it and it helped. I no longer think that suicide is an option. I still feel quite miserable but i started to apply the law in the way it is supposed to be applied. I hope life has to offer me more than i can see right now.
But i need your opinion on something. Right now i am a university student and i am at Physics. But despite all my effort, i still achieve very bad grades. And i push it to the the very limit. I amd starting to realise that i have no place here. Yesterday i got an F from calculus, to which exam i studied a lot. And it is only getting more harder. I was always a people oriented person. I loved literature, and i have a talent in learning languages. So right now i don't know if i can, or want to finish Physics, i am really disappointed about this. I don't even know, whose desire i wanted to fulfill by coming to physics. The moment i got my exam result i had a feeling that i have to finish this course, and re apply to literature. But i am not brave enough to jump into the unknown, and this way i have to skip a year. And i also know my parent's thinking: once you started it. Complete it! And my admission isn't 100% sure. It is as if part of me actually died on that night. Right now i am more clear about what i want, but i doN't know if it's sensible to skip this course, adn change. What do you think?
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