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Messages - gogetter
« on: March 24, 2012, 06:44:50 AM »
mariposa and 2thetop...people who have no concept of compassion or caring about the hurt feelings of someone else. i do not respond to people using the ignorant and unfeeling expression "get over it."
you are both so MEAN you completely have forgotten what the word MEAN even means.
mariposa, i told you before and will tell you again...leave me alone! This is harrassment now. Take your giggling cruelty elsewhere.
and 2thetop please restrain yourself from going any further to the bottom. it doesn't get much crueler than "its all your fault.
why do people like you do this crap to people like me?
i am thankful for the kind ones out there and that is why i am still here, hanging on.
thank goodness for all the private messages i keep getting advising me not to listen or buy into the bullying from mariposa and i am sure 2thetop is her partner in cruelty crime.
either be nice to me, soothe me, lift me up with light and love or shut the hell up.
« on: March 24, 2012, 02:31:07 AM »
like i already told you mariposa, take a hike, leave me alone and not another word to me! you are one of the mean ones and i highly doubt you attract anything good in your life after all the cruelty you give out...you probably just come to this forum to try and make yourself feel better but inside you must be a hell of an angry person to spew that much anger and cruelty towards me.
Shirikanya is actually offering kind and gentle help and being sweet and loving...you could learn something.
I hope you remove yourself from this place to stop hurting others with your "fake" kindness.
Now not another word to me! LISTEN to me this time! Stop harrassing me!!!
Others like Shirikanya who have kindness and loving words to offer me, I welcome you.
And I do know what LOA is, and I do understand it, but my life is so difficult and filled with conflict and challenges for a myriad of reasons, I find it very hard to use it and when I do use it, it quickly becomes null and void when my parents who i love so much, hurt me again and again...
remember Mariposa, I SAID STOP!
All you are doing if you post again is poking a hurt animal with a stick.
« on: March 24, 2012, 12:19:25 AM »
also no one yet had answered MY question that i keep asking:
HOW can i make things better for myself when every day all the positive energy and goodness i find and create goes down the toilet as soon as my parents get ahold of me again and they have their daily insults at me. HOW? How can i keep something fixed which has every band aid torn off before it even has a chance to heal??
« on: March 24, 2012, 12:13:44 AM »
so i am supposed to keep an abusive husband around am i?? am i supposed to listen to his side of things, his abuse and consider it?
am i supposed to agree with a school or people in the community who are unkind or mean? or am i supposed to think hmm maybe it is just me thinking they are mean and i should bow my head down and take it and accept it?
i dismiss people who are unkind. i dismiss people who do not act out of love, care or concern.
and you should feel guilty, you SHOULD because of how mean, cold and cruel your words have been to me on here. where's the, it's all going to be ok, sending you a hug, block out and dismiss the mean people and keep realizing it is THEM and not you...where are those words?? do you actually think your words will help me in any way? do you actually think you are being kind??
if so, then you would think my ex husband and all the mean people here are probably just find and dandy. and if that is the case then i have no use for you. and that is not dismissing you because i dont agree with you, it is dismissing you because you are mean and do not speak in kindness or love.
and right now all i want to hear are soothing, coddling, kind, mushy words of love....not more insults, meanness or harshness...i can't take any more of that!
so mariposa can you just leave me alone and forget i exist? i dont want to hear another word from your cruel mouth!
only kindness please. and if there is no kindness, softness, gentleness or soothing words to help me through this tough time then i won't be back.
« on: March 23, 2012, 11:32:30 PM »
mariposa you are cruel, cold and mean. you probably kick animals when they are hurt too. you are power hungry and see me as a weak target you can stick the knife in deeper. i wonder what your cruelty will attract to you???
none of you will ever hear from me again. thanks for pushing me over the edge.
« on: March 23, 2012, 10:57:42 AM »
what none of you seem to hear or get is that no matter how much I do or try, I am hurt again and again every day by insults and put-downs and emotional and verbal abuse from my parents who i love.
nothing will work so long as i am in this situation and i merely hoped for some understanding or care but instead it seems like tough love and conditions to me posting here and pointing fingers at me for not helping others and only looking for help for myself...
you say if i dont choose to stop it, it wont stop. but no matter how much i choose to stop it and be positive and happy i am returned to a dark and sad place over and over again when the cruelty is hurled at me EVERY DAY. and if not from my parents then when i go out, someone is mean to me...and it is not just perception, it is REAL. a bus driver screaming at me and my kids to shut up and sit down is REAL. and my kids were only laughing and being excited and anyway, it is my right to expect a please and not be shouted at or ordered! but how did i bring that on myself? how?? why should i be subjected to that crap in public when i have to deal with it at home so much??
i think no one here can understand how to deal with my situation so you make it all my own fault and that somehow my parents being this way to me is due to ME. thanks alot.
where is all the kindness and help i was expecting? oh but because i have not given out any on here i dont deserve it back??? sure seems like it...
« on: March 23, 2012, 03:31:06 AM »
wow mariposa you are one mean person. thanks alot for making me cry, like you just made my day ten times worse. i think tough love is cruel and you just kicked me while i was down so i hope you are proud of yourself.
i had friends stop being my friends because they used your words and said they could no longer listen to my "pity party" but you know, i would never ever say that kind of thing to someone who was down. never. i would never tell them to suck it up or get all harsh because i care too much and am far too nice.
and being nice is why i am stuck caring for my mean parents because i have too much heart to dump them in a home.
and NO they could NOT look after my kids, they are frail and in their 80s and it is not safe for kids or my parents.
but you will call it an excuse.
i dont really see how you attract much goodness to yourself when you give out so much cruelty to me.
i DO SEE that i create my own reality with my thoughts i GET THAT but i also do not know how to change it.
I DID GO FOR A WALK yesterday and many days before that and like i said many times already, i can get myself feeling better and happier and more positive and then guess what? I get called stupid or criticized or put down by my parents!!! and then i sink again!
I have tONS of books, wyer, deepak, the secret, tolle...i read LOTS and sure when i am reading, i do feel better and i get uplifted but it does not last because of my circumstances!!!!! have you not even read my posts???
i came here to be helped and you should not even post because all you did was hurt me.
You are MEAN MEAN MEAN. your attitude and treatment of me is exactly what all the mean people here shove at me, when they tell me just bcause you are single mother with no transportation doesnt give you any exception over anyone else or whatever, no one can give me a break at all!
SOBBING MY HEART OUT NOW AND GOING TO TAKE SOME OXY THANKS ALOT!!!!
but you will just label me as having a sob story and show no compassion for me or no understanding of me at all.
i dont know what else to do, maybe there is no hope for me. nothing
« on: March 23, 2012, 01:57:31 AM »
I feel like no one wants to hear any complaints any longer or my "excuses". I don't have anything positive to say yet I just don't know how to get there. I repeat the mantras over and over but nothing changes. I do kind acts and extend love to others and still nothing changes.
today i got up and it is mid afternoon and kids are still in pjs and have spent the day watching tv, i have just sat on net all day or tv, and done nothing. gave some cereal out. no motivation. just don't feel like doing anything. still staring at the piles of laundry and mess everywhere, no clue where to start or how. it is too overwhelming.
my parents are still mad at me and today they say it is all me and I am mean to them and am trying to force them out. great, turn it around on me. either they are insulting me and putting me down or they are all sad and saying it is just me.
i really hope no one is going to come on here and say maybe it is you, look at yourself, etc etc. because it is NOT ME. why why why is there no support on that? how can it be me? all i do is be loving and kind! oh and you will say hmm but you are not being loving and kind on here....but that's because this is a place to come and express myself and try and be HEARD and helped!!!
And i can't get to groups or mental health because i dont have a sitter and i would never ever use some icky daycare especially in this town, no way. and it is not an excuse it is the reality of my situation.
i refuse to take meds anyway i dont believe in meds for mental health, i believe in happiness and kindness and love. i dont believe in chemical imbalances at all. i think all of the problems i have and anyone has are situational. i am stuck in some shitty circumstances and have no escape right now. i was hoping this place would be more understanding and more caring.
« on: March 22, 2012, 01:42:04 AM »
how do i fix things when i am constantly being hurt and put down by the people i love most (after my kids of course)? i am thinking after 10 yrs of this maybe it is time to leave them but i am so scared. i have NO other family because they all hate me. none. if i lose my parents that is it, no one. no one.
« on: March 22, 2012, 01:37:51 AM »
Shrikanya...your post appeared while i was writing the last one. yes my house is messy. i can't keep up and have no will to. when i do make it all look nice and tidy my parents say wow thats a first or its about time but it will never last or you must have made the kids do it because you sure dont clean up. either that or they dont even notice. or they will smugly say good you finally are behaving yourself and doing what you are told! (remember in my 40s here!!! behaving myself???)
so i honestly have lost the will to clean up. i dig clean clothes out of the mountains of clean laundry all over the bedroom floors. i wash dishes when we need to use one otherwise they lay all over the counters. i spend most of the day staring at the tv or the net and dont even bother showering unless i have to go out. i feed and wash the kids but cant even bother to do homeschool lessons with them any more because even when we were on a schedule my parents told me the kids were not learning and i wasnt doing anything with them and i dont know how to teach them and i am denying my poor kids an education, so since they say that even when i work hard to teach them i just dont bother any more. same with the clean up.
the mess is so overwheleming i dont even know where to begin, it has gotten beyond my control or will.
trying to get the kids to clean anything is a big fight and they get rude and i end up punishing them and putting them to bed then my parents come and yell at me for being mean to the kids and tell me all i do is make problems and have no idea how to look after these kids, on and on and on.
when i look in the mirror i am sad because i dont feel pretty any more i dont feel like i have any spark i feel useless i feel old i feel stupid i feel like i have amounted to nothing in my life. when i watch tv and see other people my age being interviewed or making achievements i wonder why not me? why couldnt i? prob because my whole life and even still, my parents told me i couldnt. i told them i wanted to move to greece when they said i couldnt manage without them now and i said i could go to greece and run a little hostel on a beach and they laugh at me and tell me i have a screw loose and never ever could i do somethng like that and the only reason i ever got to go to europe and travel before was becuz i had my husband but look how to drove him away, he cant stand you either. i said but he was abusive and they say you made him that way.
it doesnt stop, it never stops.
« on: March 22, 2012, 01:24:56 AM »
I have tried all of the things on that list and I do daily mantras and other exercises but no one seems willing to answer my question of: how can any of this help when everytime i try and make things better, i just get sent back to square one again by the cruelty i keep enduring from my loved ones?
and it would be nice to have the things I am telling you ARE happening to be believed and they are NOT MY FAULT and not just my perception.
and now it seems like you are saying even coming and posting here is CONDITIONAL. just like all the mean and nasty charities that helped me, which was not even real help because their help came with CONDITIONS!
how can i fix this by sweeping it all under the table and just la la la la no more of gogetters topic no one wants to hear your griping or your problems. for some reason you all seem to think i won't take advice or won't try and move on but i have taken the advice i have tried everything but i continue to be bashed here every day and no matter how much positive words i speak or recite or use hoponono or other techniques, the people in my community are still mean to me and nothing works!!!
i want to feel HEARD and understood not told that's enough now, no more topic now....
and just because right now i am focused on ME and not giving encouragement to others on HERE should not exclude me from being helped!! right now all ican do is focus on me and i am reaching out for help! i give all the time in kindness and i am sure i stated that already, i write thank you cards, bake cookies for the new neighbours, give to cancer charity and other types, tell people i appreciate them, all sorts of stuff!
but now i am being penalized for not giving encouragement here or coming here more often??
i came here and have come here to be helped myself. why is something wrong with that??
why are you laying conditions on me?
how is that kind???
i think maybe no one here HEARS me or understands any of what i am going through. i just want people to listen and to care and to not give me conditions on their care! i am sick of that! SICK!!!
« on: March 21, 2012, 11:46:10 PM »
I just want it to be really clear that I am none of the horrible things my parents say and I know I'm not. But it still is a hard hit to the self esteem and self belief when these things are thrown at you every day by the people you love most.
Also every single incident I told about on here about people being mean to me and negative and CRUEL is not in my head nor is it anything I brought on. How is it anything to do with me when a bus driver yells at me or my kids? how is it anything to do with me when someone insults me and it is not just my perception, other people can clearly see i am being insulted, i have asked others and others have even witnessed.
so please please stop saying i am perceiving others as attacking me, it is NOT perception, it is FACT.
Have started off another day with my parents putting me down and demanding their money back and accusing me of stealing it but the reality is that i use money from their savings to pay for stuff we need...and they are AWARE of this and they can't manage their own accounts or deal with any of it so i do it but now and any time they get into this mode, they accuse me of stealing and want their money back and on and on and how they will report me and get my kids taken...horrible things!!!
AND NONE OF IT IS TRUE!!! I THOUGHT I WAS COMING SOMEWHERE WHERE PEOPLE WOULD ACTUALLY BELIEVE ME AND BE ON MY SIDE!!!
« on: March 21, 2012, 08:24:17 AM »
I am really, really low tonight. I am trying really hard to find some self-love and shed all my inner limiting negative beliefs...I am doing many of the suggested exercises and techniques. But I am faced daily with an onslaught of put-downs, insults and cruelty from my parents. They are both really nasty to me and when I say why do you have to be so nasty they will say because we are stuck living with YOU. or we HATE you. All we care about is the children, we don't care about you. You are a problem and you always have been, all you have ever done is bleed us dry for money, and all you do is take what you want and to hell with us and you just make problems with everyone and you have never amounted to anything and now we have to spend our remaining years protecting your kids and looking out for them because of your incompetence and all you do is ruin their lives and our lives and on and on.
We hate living in a rat house, a rotten slob pile but we have to think about the kids. They tell me all the time I don't look after them or feed them and they will stand over me and demand I list off what I fed them. I am in my 40's and this is not FAIR. I tell them but I have looked after you for all these years and done my best and they tell me they have looked after me and i would be nowhere and nothing without them.
you get the picture. there is so much more but even typing out their words brings tears to my eyes. I try and defend myself and my mother mocks me and tells me to shut my goddamn trap. or my father tells me to stop pretending to be so lovely and of course i have all the services and support people twisted round my fingers because i am such a good liar and no one believes silly old people.
I am NOT what they say but yet somehow inside of myself i must believe it. i can't fight against it because it hurts me on a level i can't even explain. they were loving to me my whole life or were they? maybe i am just blocking out stuff because i think i actually do remember many incidents of this sort of thing but I only focus on the good things and the moments of love and never the moments where i was put down or shamed.
I am so screwed up and I don't know how to fix this.
I have some oxycontin for my back and I took way too many to get high and escape over the past few years but for the last few months i have been trying so hard to eat healthy and be strong but i can't stop gaining weight and now things have been so horrible the last few days i am taking the oxy again, not too many, just enough to get high and stop feeling so bad.
please someone, please help me, i just dont know how to fix my inner issues that cause all the neg people to react so strongly and meanly to me...i dont know how to make it all better when i am hit with all this cruelty and put downs from the people i love the most but cant get to love me back and maybe they never did...
how can i fix when the small repairs are constantly being torn apart??
« on: March 17, 2012, 03:07:04 AM »
Thank you for all the help you are giving me and some excellent links...I am trying very hard.
However, I want to share with you how today went for me and the negative mean people that came at me with hate or anger...I am projecting positivity and staying happy and thinking happy but it did not stop the bus drivers....
So today, the first day we have gone out as a family in a long, long time, and BOTH buses we were on had drivers who were rude to us!!!
We took the 10:30am bus to town. We were the only ones on the bus. This driver has been gruff with us in the past but today he seemed to be extra gruff. Told me to hurry it up while I struggled on with my folded stroller....then once we were seated he said the wheels were hanging into the aisle and I needed to move it into a standing position. Not easy to do with a folded double stroller. Bear in mind, the wheels were barely in the aisle, and we have always placed the stroller in that position where the wheels do stick out a little but no more than if a large sized person was sitting on the aisle seat! He has even driven when we have placed the stroller this way and never said anything before....today he was just nit picking! And then, he starts to quiz me about how old my middle child is...asks me if she is 5 yet because I never paid for her. I said yes, she is 5 and I pay when she is over 5. And he said no, you don't know the rules then because she needs a ticket, it is 5. Never has anyone asked me before, and no, I was not aware of that and that is my own fault to have assumed it was over 5. But still...he has never gone on at me in this way before...but ok...I did not get into any debates with him, I just kept a smile on and did as he asked. He still did not get any nicer but ok fine...but there is a mean negative person coming into my world and I did nothing to attract it...he did not even say please or be nice at all and it freaks my kids out how mean people are.
I hoped this was a one-off incident but when we came home from town on the bus departing at 1:00pm, the driver was very RUDE, an angry negative person coming at me AGAIN. WHY???
The driver is a woman who has always been very nice to us in the past and chatty so I felt relieved to have her driving. So I was very surprised when I finished getting the stroller on with the help of another passenger, when she YELLED at me and the children! They were all getting into their seats and my son was singing and my youngest was laughing and she YELLS, "YOU ALL GOT 5 SECONDS TO SIT DOWN AND BE QUIET!!" I was really surprised at this from her and I said, "Ok but could you add a please to that request please?" And she spun round in her seat and yelled, "EXCUSE ME?? DO YOU WANT TO RIDE ON MY BUS? ARE YOU ACTUALLY TALKING TO ME THAT WAY??" I stood my ground and said nicely, "Yes, I am simply expecting that you be nice and polite when addressing my children, I do not accept being spoken to that way." She said something under her breath and pulled the bus away and began driving the route.
The man who had helped me with my stroller was a stranger but he introduced himself and showed me where he lived when we got off the bus and told me to come and speak to him if I needed a witness statement. He was very sympathetic to me and assured me that that driver had no business being so rude to a passenger.
I feel strongly this is all backlash from my complaining about other drivers and they all talk about me and just yesterday I got a message from the head of transit about my last complaint and the driver totally lied about what had happened but they are now putting plainclothes observers on all the buses because of how I have been treated to try and catch some of these offenders. This driver today has always been friendly and nice and one of our favourites, how could she turn this way?? Why?? How did I attract that?? What is going on??
When we got off I tried to be nice and said to her I am really surprised at your behaviour, you have always been so nice to us. And she starts telling me off, saying I am the only parent who ever speaks back to drivers and who do you think you are lady? You make trouble, you complain all the time, all you do is give drivers grief! And then she slammed the door and drove off.
Why all this hate at me? Why so much negativity? Am I not allowed to speak up and ask nicely to be spoken to politely? I do not want my kids to see me allowing public/civil servants treating their public this way and I want my children to know you do not have to accept it either. I don't want to fight with people, I don't want conflict, but I also don't want to be seen as a doormat and had I said nothing to her yelling at us, the children would have seen me hanging my head, shutting up and doing what I am told. I always tell them so long as you are nice and kind, you can always question when someone is not being nice or kind to you. But why does this have to keep happening in the first place??
Oh and my day started off with my parents putting me down for an hour in front of the kids, going over all the things I never achieved all the things I can't do, am no good at, all my rotten qualities, on and on...so maybe I went out with some low self esteem but i sure did not go out with a bad heart...I was saying over and over, we will have a positive day, we will attract only love and kindness, we will be only kind and loving, etc...
SO WHY DOESN'T IT WORK???
« on: March 16, 2012, 03:43:29 AM »
Ok for almost two years now I have been reciting my daily gratitude list...saying my mantras of positivity and goodness, doing good deeds, extending kindness and not expecting anything in return.
I do hope people will be nice and kind back to me and when I am nice to someone be it a bus driver or someone in a store or at services or charities, I am not being nice to just get them to be nice. I am a nice person. But I instantly know when the mean is coming. I feel it from the person...I sense it from the moment they talk...I am so used to it and in tune with it I know when it is coming. Usually. And if it catches me off guard I go back over the situation and can usually find red flags that I realized but chose to not put energy into and continued to stay positive and hope for the best...but the true nature of the mean and negative people always comes out.
So at what point will all my good deeds and my gratitude recitations and other positive mantras, start to change my life?
I do try hard to just let it go and forget about it when someone is mean or unkind, I have become good at not dwelling on it and moving on and wishing them love and happiness...but it is when things snowball and continue happening, over and over, bigger and more...that is when it becomes almost impossible to take.
I give out my kindness and smiles unconditonally but I still recognize and feel when someone is filled with anger and hate and has only anger to give out. Am I supposed to not recognize it? How can one ignore it? I cannot turn off my observations. I often do not react at all and stay in my kindness but I still see and hear and feel the negative vibe from the other person.
I almost feel the people responding here are not reading or understanding what i have been saying at all nor do you seem to "get" what I am going through and somehow it is being made out to be all my own fault. But now for even expressing that, will I be called "playing the victim" again?
And for you irishgirl69, why wouldn't you be more compassionate, why be so harsh? it only adds insult to injury really.
I don't walk around thinking the world is out to get me, but when one is faced constantly with mean spirited people who have no compassion for me or my situation and have the whole attitude of get a job, you don't deserve hand outs, why are you using our tax dollars, you shouldn't own a pet if you can't afford it, made your bed so lie in it, too bad so sad, suck it up princess, on and on and on...when this stuff keeps coming at me, it makes it very, very hard to not feel down and depressed and unable to cope.
A big part of it is the fact that I am on welfare and how the general public treat people on welfare and how judged I am...this is not just in my head, this is not just my perception of people trying to "help" me, I know cruelty and meanness when it is hurled directly at me.....but why does it have to be so much and so overwhelming to my life?
I feel I am doing everything possible to make it stop yet it won't. I am at the point where when we are in public and my children act up, I almost can feel what people are thinking through their stares and then someone will be rude to me...so maybe i am attracting it to myself but you know, sometimes I catch myself and I MAKE myself think ok they are thinking what lovely kids, what a hard time that sweet single mum has, etc, but they STILL are mean to me, even when i pour all my energy into thinking that they are thinking positive thoughts.
I wonder how much I am becoming destroyed from the daily put downs i endure here at home? could that be shaping a negative aura around me?
Please just be nice to me, please help me find a way to make this stop....if you think i have limiting self beliefs then how else can i make them better when i already make and say gratitude lists, positive affirmations, etc? what else can i do?
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