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Messages - onetwothreefour
« on: May 29, 2013, 04:01:18 AM »
Good point Mr Brightside
Yeah it seems even subconsciously I reject the idea of letting her go. I need to get my s**t together that is for sure. But it is a self-sabotaging thing. For some reason I even reject the idea of detaching and going on with my life even with having contact with her. I know I have attracted things with her in the past as my previous posts suggest. After I let things go. But it makes me nervous and fearful for some reason. That if there is actually some higher force, or God working on getting us back together that would show a bad intention, that I don't really want this to happen. It is controversial and stupid I know but subconsciously that is what i feel.
« on: May 29, 2013, 02:07:00 AM »
Oh I understand. Believe me. But right now. If I let her go in that sense, that i make myself so detached from her. What will I have left? Nothing. I love her too much to do that. Not just out of fear, but from loyalty as well. It feels that if I do that i will spit myself and my former self who was together with her, hugged her, in the eye. It is true. Without her i have nothing. And if i lose even the memories and hopes, and that little that is left i will lose this beautiful thing that had happened between us. And also I was there for her, we had so much promise, so many plans, so many things to do. If i let this go and detach we will completely go separate ways, because everything so far led us there. You see why I am reluctant. Believe me i understand and acknowledge what you guys write here. And I am grateful for it. But this could be great, beautiful, affectionate between us. And my love is real. Even when i had to neglect myself if she needed comfort and somebody to talk to I was there for her. I've found a true partner, which is very rare these days especially in my generation. Of course i don't want to let it go. I would feel even more powerless and lost. I know what i should do. But i don't want to do it. I know i would be able to. I am just unwilling even if it hurts, because now that is all I have from her. Even if it hurts. It is a part of the "legacy" this beautiful phase has given me. But I understand what points you want to get across and I thank you for it!
« on: May 29, 2013, 12:27:51 AM »
She is currently 80 miles away from me. She has a job. She wants to focus on her life. A few days ago she confessed her love, but then deleted that FB post the next day. She has lost most of her friends because they treated her badly. She is going to work and study during summer. She would probably have free time, because events in her life are turning better.
Now me. I am broke. I got switched to tuition fee course at University so it is no longer free for me. Finding a job in my country is hard as dried camel c**p. So i will probably have to work till i collapse every day during summer. So i won't have free time.
Still. I feel she is the one for me. There were many things standing between us in the past. We would be together if things hadn't turned bad, about which i couldn't do anything. I was and am completely powerless over this. BUT i feel SHE IS THE ONE. We are perfect together. What was between us is too good to just fade away. We were not just great friends. We were companions for each other. And if circumstances were better this love could have been the last one we both need, for this would last. I Love Her. Even if we will never be together again i will love her.
My life went to ruins. Everything has collapsed. I just believe in Karma. I believe in God. I've read many NDEs before. And i believe or more like i am convinced that there is a God. It is just, if i had a Karmic debt i have paid my price. If i did anything even horribly wrong i have paid for it. I would have deserved after all these years of solitude, pain, suffering to have the only things i've asked for. To have something in my life i can be proud of. All i ever wanted was to love and be loved in return. And I didn't attract her going away. It all happened out of my power. She had to move away. And there was nothing i could do. Even if i practiced LOA perfectly this would have happened. And she being a very positive person didn't attract that either. So it was something out of our reach. God, Karma, Universe call it whatever you want. Then why cannot this thing give me her. We are truly perfect together. We are in perfect harmony with each other. That is rare.
That is why I am blaming someone else. Because there is someone else, something else that has made this happen. And if that thing is God, and he truly loves me as it is portrayed in NDEs. Then he could be at least so merciful to bring us back together. That is why I am so angry. That is why I blame GOD. Even in times when I was completely in harmony with myself, hardships came. That is all. And the only reason why i pretty much write this is that god should listen. My personal growth would have been more quick, more intense. I understand that it is bad to grow by someone else's help. But I was always there for her. Her presence made me feel great. And i was there for her in her problems. I helped her, comforted her. It was something that was helpful, and great for both of us. It is like. You can send a basketball team to play together. Or every player singularly. They are stronger together. We were stronger together. And we were a great team. And we would be great.
« on: May 25, 2013, 05:06:36 PM »
Thanks you for your reply Excel. I wish i could share your enthusiasm... but at the moment i pretty much lost everything... The girl I truly love. My studies, therefore my future. My money... So i think i had enough of the universe or god or whatever...
« on: May 25, 2013, 03:23:23 PM »
She has deleted that post the day after. I didn't like her post or made a comment because I wanted to see if she means it and leaves it there or not. She wasn't online at the time. Next day i signed in and the post was deleted. And now she avoids coming online on any social sites. And when she does she doesn't talk to me. I got expelled from University. And now I am broke. Hoooooow much i love the universe... Really.... Thanks you eternal troll.
« on: May 22, 2013, 04:01:18 AM »
Thank you! This is exactly what i think. If we actually work this out, that would give me a huge amount of motivation to work on myself, to improve myself. So that i can be the best possible me for her. She deserves a great, loving, harmonious relationship. I want to be able to provide her with that.
« on: May 22, 2013, 03:32:23 AM »
Yesterday I had a very bad day. Probably the worst in weeks. I broke down crying after i drank myself silly again. For two hours i wandered the streets crying like a damn baby. Not just because of her, but because of my life. And i prayed for God to bring her to me...
Today i had a busy day. I concentrated on my studies. I still felt like c*ap, but i used the Sedona method to let go. Just a few minutes ago. She posted on FB. She confessed her love to me. She said that she was looking for an idea, for an illusion and didn't recognize someone who was truly her companion. Me. So she confessed her love. Saying that we are great together and we are both crazy in the same way...(inside joke)
So this is my new update. I will make this work this time. I am curious.
« on: May 19, 2013, 12:05:39 AM »
cooperative -- I did. It didn't help. And medication is expensive and has serious side effects.
And i know i have many things i need to take care of. I need to fix many things about myself. But i have no strength to do that. I am completely lost. It takes tremendous effort just to get out of bed in the morning. Just to get face to face with a situation that is devastating to me. I have suffered enough. If i went through all of this out of some karmic reason, then well i have paid my price. I only had one desire. I only wanted one thing. Her. And the universe just refused to give me the only thing i desired. And I did things right. Even by looking at her even by seeing her i've gained tremendous strength. Because I knew we are going to get together. And we did. And then by circumstances that i couldn't control the universe took her away from me. If she didn't move away, we would be happily together still. It is like everything is against me. Saying: Oh no no , you cannot get what you want hahahah!
« on: May 18, 2013, 03:38:34 AM »
I did everything right. Trust me. But this whole incident was too much for keeping my vibrations up. I've been depressed for god only knows how long. Was i fully detached? No. But close enough for things to change. And then even though things got worse i kept it up, until they went to a place where i couldn't hold it any longer and insecurities crept back. Why is it that bad things are so easy to manifest? And why is that despite me thinking only positive thoughts being grateful, things get really bad after a while?
« on: May 18, 2013, 02:11:14 AM »
That is what i've feared. BUT. Then why did she get together with me in the first place. She was the one who initiated things in the beginning... I love her. And my love is pure. We would be such a great couple and she mentioned before, back in January things that showed that she wants to get together with me. She only considers those guys her friends. She told me that. Similar things happened before, when we weren't together yet. She told me about all the different dudes, and her ex and etc. And eventually she still wanted to get together with me. I've screwed it up, by writing emails to her after she moved out. I basically told her that if she still loves her ex, and i cannot make her happy then i will just let her go. And even after that she wanted to be with me... This is what i fear. That i love a shadow... Someone who doesn't exists. But i love her and i know her. And that cannot happen... I just need more hope that we will be together.
« on: May 18, 2013, 01:20:56 AM »
She isn't playing with me. She is not that kind. She has a lot going on... She could have changed that much in 4 months... I know more about her then her best friend. She has told me everything about herself. She has gone through everything really. And she has a lot going on. She has a new job, lives at home and her relationship with her parents aren't very good. She got kicked out of University in January, moved two times since then... She has sent me on Tuesday a letter in which she told everything to that first guy. She is smart really smart. She tried to help this guy. Analysed him and told him all his problems and how he could solve them etc. She cared about him still, because she cares about anyone. If she sees someone how has problems she immediately wants to help him/her. This isn't the first time. But the fact that only a week ago she wrote a post on FB in a joking matter that once we finish school we go abroad together... Initiated contact many times all by herself. We talked again just like old times. And i really kept my vibration up and detached but then this second guy came into the picture. He needed his computer fixed so she helped him. And something happened, because she wrote a FB post that day explaining, that WTF, why people nowadays just want to take away what they want, and expect everyone to do the same. They have spent the whole day together and she didn't mention what happened. Nothing. She didn't want to tell me about the first incident because she didn't want to hurt me and it meant nothing to her. But i don't know why is this happening? I kept up my vibration. I was detached. And things still went sideways all over again... I don't know what else could i do. All this has happened on Saturday. She wrote that byebye letter to the first guy on Wednesday... Something happened... It wasn't my creation. I did my best and put all probable insecurities aside. I kept up my vibration, did RS. And things started happening a week ago but then... They went back to the same c*appy place.
Two weeks ago when that first incident happened we talked about this. About us. She told me that she didn't want to tell me that because she didn't want to hurt me. I told her my concerns about this. That I want to get together with her, but I don't know what to hope anymore. She said: Then let me go G. I told her I don't want to, and that all that i have written to her were true, that i love her. She replied: I know... But the problem is with making it happen right now :S. circumstances aren't right :S.
All i feel now is that i have no place in her life. And that she doesn't want to make any for me. I love her. And i know her quite well. But this distance is killing me. That i cannot be an active part of her life like i used to...
« on: May 17, 2013, 02:11:13 AM »
I am going through it again... Thing were going so good. She was talking to me by herself. Contacted me all by herself and she even told me things that we could work out but circumstances are not good right now. She posted me things again on fb. But then things got worse and worse... She grew really distant. We still talk. But she grew really close to two people in particular. The one who was really pushy and another one. She even told me after that pushy incident, that she was hesitant to tell this to me, because she didn't want to hurt me. And that if it meant anything to her or something serious happened she wouldn't have told me in the first place. Now back on Saturday she's spent the whole day with another dude. She talked to me about him before, that they are so much on the same wavelength and that guy is cute and wants to be with her.... Something happened between them according to a fb post of hers from that day. And she didn't tell me anything about that. Now she grew distant, all over again. She is doing fine without me and she spends more time with these two people than with me. She told me about the first dude, that she thinks he is a jerk and an A.hole. But she talks with him all the time and ignores me. I love her so much but now i don't know what to do. For a whole week i did my RS on her and gained results and kept up my high vibe. And all of a sudden these things happen. She says one things and does another. I am so confused. She started to go down a path where she grows more and more distant. I don't know what to do about this, i don't know what to think. I only feel that i will never ever be someone good enough in her eyes. She can get over someone so easily, it is like everything we ever went through didn't matter and it was nothing for her than just a joke... I don't know what to do... I am not just unable to keep my vibrations up, but because of her attitude towards me i now think that i don't even deserve her and she thinks the same. So i am not even sure about my desire.... I hate that things can go from great to f**ked up so fast... And every time i want to get together with her and put great effort into it and try to let go something good happens and then despite my attitude i hit the floor again... IT sucks
« on: May 13, 2013, 02:14:55 PM »
I am working on a success story like this. Hope one day I will write it down here.
« on: May 10, 2013, 12:56:14 AM »
Today. After two days of doing my kind of RS. The loving type. She posted something to me on facebook. That jokingly said that after we graduate we move abroad and i can decide where . She is into buddhism and she wants to tattoo on herself Om mani padme hum (I showed her this matra), so i jokingly replied that we will tatoo our fully bodies with mantras and go to Tibet to become buddhist priests . Also today she initiated contact with me. And told me that she is going to meet another "friend" of hers who also wants to be with her, and that she is afraid that this someone wants something from her as well...
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