Topics - lilai
Hi all,
I am new here and wrote a brief introduction on the "newbie" page.
I am currently facing the situation, that I am trying to attract my perfect partner back but worries start to eat me (after holding on for 6 months) and I can use some coaching :-)
I attracted my perfect partner December last year, I met him and I knew immediatelly I would see him again. He looked at me while I entered a party room, turned to the guy next to him and said loud "who is that". As we got together later on, he said that he had as I did, felt immediatelly a special conection and that he had waited for me 37 years. Unfortunatelly things were so great, that my insecurities made me doubt the relationship. I projected all my negative experiences that I used to have on him, I didn't trust him and so I drove him away after just 3 month.
Immediatelly after the break up I got out the "Secret" and started working with the LOA again. At the same time this break up was strange...I didn't break down and while I had heartache I never felt him ...gone... I held on firmly to my believe that he and I are made for each other. It felt like it was a nature law, that we attract each other by natural gravity. We kitesurf together and we have mutural friends so it was clear that we would see each other again once in a while. I concentrated on myself, started yoga, meditation, reiki and looked great and felt good. While I held on to the believe on us I let him go at the same time. I made a vision board and I had little premonitions like seeing us suddenly on the wedding day etc. Whenever we met there was a strong bond between us.
Then in July, when the kitesurfing season started again on the very first weekend we ended up totally drunk in bed together. I tried not to make a too big deal out of it, but during the night he told me how much he had missed me, he could tell me the days that we had been apart etc. But still, I stayed calm. He called me on Monday and said that in light what had happened on the weekend we should talk.
To my huge surprise during this talk he said, that actually he had been heartbroken over our breakup. That he had had a horrible first month and that he had night mares about me beeing with another man and that he still had feelings for me. Usually he is not someone to cry too long about spilled milk and moves on pretty fast but with me he simply couldn't. But he said as well that I scare him. I scare him because he fears I could act like before again and that he then can't be with me although he has feelings. He said as well he is scared because he tried twice before to reconsiliate a relationship and the second break up was much worse than the first one. My gut feeling told me that he is scared of love, and feeling real love with me calling freaks him out, as much as it had freak me out during our relationship.
We agreed to take it really slow, spend some time together hanging out and in groups and to be at least best friends, get to know each other better and start from there again.
After that we had another totally beautiful weekend with a friend on an island kitesurfing, we didn't touch but we were on the same frequenzy and I could see the love in his eyes (his friend even commented on it , that is why I know I didn't imagine it and this friends that saw us there together said as well it is obvious that we are perfect for each other).
After that I went travelling and he afterwards, exchaning 2 or 3 emails in that time (he is no emailer) and we didn't see each other for 4 weeks due to the travelling. But I was very positive in all that time, I felt so much love for me and had many premonitions about us being together. Dreams and pictures that came suddenly and unasked into my mind.
I have to add that I have a very good intuition....usually my gut feeling works very well. When he had returned from his travels and hadn't contacted me I sensed that something was wrong. We were due to go kitesurfing the following weekend again and totally against his usual behaviour he only contacted me on the Friday moring asking about the trip. During the trip things didn't go too well. He asked me some strange questions about if I ended up with someone else during my travels and my answers weren't exactly great (the truthful one would have been, that I wasn't interested in anyone because I am in love with him!).
Since then things have been going downwards. I sensed for the next few months that he was totally confused and in a panic (we see each other nearly every Saturday at sports). He seemed unhappy and torn. After sports he seeks out eyecontact with me and sometimes comes over but we don't ever do stuff together. Nothing happend in direction of our hanging out and staring it from there.....sigh.....since that last weekend kitesurfing together I was off balance but still kept believing in us, had the vision board and whenever I looked at it and our picutres together and the words "xxx' wife" it felt totally right and I felt at peace. I was sure, he was on his way back to me. Beginning of October he wrote me an email just asking how I was because it had been a while...but that was it......I was starting to force myself to flirt with other men but they don't interst me....they lack the light in the eyes that my perfect partner has. During all this time, altough I had little periods of doubt, my inner voice always told me clearly and steadily that he is "the one". Whenever I saw him this voice would come out of the nothing and say deep in me "but that's my man".
But in the last few weeks I can't take it anymore. I start avoiding him, I can't look him into the eyes (because then I melt), I can't pretend everything is good, so I avoid him and that doesn't make me feel good. I want to know what happened during his travels, what made him change his mind.
So I asked him to talk and he asked me out for dinner, we were supposed to go tonight, but he canceled on short notice because of work, so we will go Thursday. I will tell him about my feelings and that I sensed that he changed when he came back. We made that date 2 weeks ago and since the middle of last week I go crazy with fear and I cannot stop it. The funny thing is that I don't even know why I panic so - yes, I do love him very much, but the universe knows my wish and if it is the right thing for him and me to be together then I know that the universe will grant my wish. If it is the wrong thing for us I don't want it to happen anyway. It starts to totally eat me up, I can't enjoy my beautiful life with my friends at the moment because the pain is so accute. The thought that I could have been wrong and that he doesn't love me anymore (and as others are ready to point out, his behaviour after our last time kitesurfing says that) hurst me so. As if I try to rip part of my soul out, on the other hand for the first time since we split up looking at the vision board and our pictures doesnt feel right anymore. I am confused for the first time, if I didn't just imagine all that. I am aware that it is difficult to hear what the inner voice is saying if the panic screems so loud over it :-)
I wrote down how the talk is going and how he explains to me what went wrong and that he still has feelings for me. I wrote down affirmations that I will get him back etc. I feel already much better today than I did yesterday but I still have a hole in my heart. I can't belive that I got him halfway back and then lost him again. So I have until Thursday night to get on a better frequency.
Ah - the deadline that I had set in May for us beeing together is before the 24.11.09.
Sorry this was very long but I needed to talk about it and maybe you guys have some input for me?
Thanks a lot
Love and light
Lilai
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