Messages - gogetter
I wondered if maybe my own inner self-doubt about myself attracts all of this? and if so, how does one conquer self doubt? I recite positive affirmations every day...I try to project loving and kind thoughts to those who are cruel or unkind to me...I have alot of problems with mean bus drivers and when I am sitting on the bus with my kids after experiencing yet another mean issue with a driver, i stare at the driver and imagine hugging him or her and try my hardest to project loving and kind thoughts.
But despite all of the love and positivity i send out, there is still always the return in my head to a running inner dialogue of all the negative and bad...i try hard to shut it out but it always comes back because of so many bad things. we could be waiting for the bus and i am imagining the worst depending what horrible driver is coming along, but then i stop myself and think happy and positive. but it never seems to help because the bad always happens.
When i have to deal with the welfare office i cannot stop myself from feeling like a scumbag loser, and i keep imagining how they all think i am a loser or how the bank sees me as scum when i hand over my welfare cheque...and i always always counter these thoughts with positive affirmations and i always try to push away all the bad but it never stops, it never goes away!
i just get over one bad circumstance and boom, another one comes up. another bunch of mean people to deal with, another round of judgements or cruelty...when will it stop?
Every day I say out loud a long list of these positive affirmations but it seems like they don't work.
I am at the point where i just want to disappear with my kids somewhere that no one knows me and i can stay away from charity or welfare or any services that instantly label me! i don't want anyone to know me and if no one knows me or knows anything about me, then i can live in peace.
i am about to come into a substantial amount of money, enough to relocate us somewhere like a remote scottish island or remote greek isle...i just want to be free from all the hate, all the judgements, all the negativity, all the need for charity or help...and all the services like food bank, welfare, family services, charities, the bus drivers...they all know someone in the community who knows me or they all talk and there is just no escape.
the other day when a bus driver was hateful to me again and threatened me with the cops simply for asking what time the bus connection was coming and not hurrying off his bus fast enough for his liking, i told him i would report him for his cruelty and upsetting my kids and he said, "haha go ahead, the bus depot needs another good laugh over you and your stupid senseless complaining!" i have complained loads over the past year and the manager of our bus service is married to a woman who was head of PTA at the school I used to take my kids to, and she gave me a hard time at the school, my kids were bullied so i chose to homeschool, but he already had a biased opinion of me so i had no hope. and to hear that they all laugh at me is exactly what i figured they were doing. so i had gone to the head of the provincial bus service in the capital and they heard me out last time but honestly did not do much, i did not even get an apology. and this time when i told the head of the province about it, they don't even have the decency to reply to me. when i contacted them again to see if they received my complaint they finally replied and said yes and would get back to me. i am just an afterthought to these people, a joke, and why? because i am on welfare so i am considered nothing?? because all these people are mean? why? why won't it stop?
i just want to disappear.
