Non-LOA chat: are socialites unable to commit?

[UpLOAding]

What do you think about people who are surrounded by admirers, are popular and can make new friends anytime they want?

I was one of them, but somehow I felt it was bad and because of that I decided not to socialize anymore, to spend more time studying, reading and other more intellectual things, so that I can also focus more on the individual person I love.

Do you think that in general, people who are constantly exposed to other people, are unable to create deeper relationships, since one person is as valuable as the other? This is my personal impression, and this is why I decided to not socialize with anyone anymore, except with those who are already my very best friends and the one I love.

My logic is also that if I truly love the people I am with, I shouldn't need to meet any new people.
What's the point of meeting new people if you love those you are with already?

Just wanted to hear what you think about this from a non-LOA point of view (personal experiences, impressions, etc.)

[Berylac]

Hi,

I was one of the admirers. (In a general sense, not you of course.)

Well, you still can make more friends and socialize as big as one. Just remember when you socialized, bring your love one together so that your other admirers know that you are already taken. =)

As for me, the person whom I like, she doesn't have any relationship right now. She does socialize and have tons of friends around her. It's hard for me to even talk to her because her whole holiday was booked for parties and great events. I will definitely go for her. =)


Just to you let you know. Just let everyone knows you have a relationship before they took or decided to go for you.

Regards,
Berylac

[UpLOAding]

But my question was more about a matter of "ability" or "trend".
 
What I mean is, if someone I love is very social and has many friends (and therefore spends less time/attention/etc. with me), would you think such a person is unable to commit?

[schenderson22]

I was one of those people who socialized with many and for me, the commitment wasn't difficult, it the making my relationship a priority that was difficult.  I kept myself busy b/c I wasn't ready to make a relationship a priority.  In addition, I knew there were sacrifices that would have to be made in order to have a very successful relationship.

[UpLOAding]

Yes schenderson22, this is the stuff I'm talking about.
 
Both myself and the woman I love were extremely social, and I think at the beginning she took this as a point of admiration in me. However, I also noticed that it made her a bit jealous.
 
In addition to that, as you say, it created difficulties in prioritising, and I felt that such difficulty was the main culprit of my slow progress with her.
 
For these two reasons - and also seeing that I have no basic NEED to socialize - I simply decided to quit that in favor of things that would help me dedicate myself to the future potential relationship.
 
While I've been in my non-socializing mode, I also realized that the less I socialize, the less I am prone to being interested in or attracted to other women.
(I remember that at the very beginning I felt as if by being attracted and attracting other women, I would make the woman I love more interested in me But somehow this made no sense anymore)
So my logical conclusion was that socializing can be a cause of unstable relationships, and since in the long term my priority is the stable relationship, I completely removed anything that may threaten it.
 
Would this make sense to you?
 
 

[schenderson22]

So my logical conclusion was that socializing can be a cause of unstable relationships, and since in the long term my priority is the stable relationship, I completely removed anything that may threaten it.

Completely makes sense.  She wasn't ready to do that, I take it?

[Ginny]

My logic is also that if I truly love the people I am with, I shouldn't need to meet any new people.
What's the point of meeting new people if you love those you are with already?

Because love is good, and a big heart always has room for more? By your logic, no one would ever want to know anyone but their mother, because she's your first love, so why do you need anyone else?

[UpLOAding]

Because love is good, and a big heart always has room for more? By your logic, no one would ever want to know anyone but their mother, because she's your first love, so why do you need anyone else?

You mean like incest?

Ginny, my point is about being faithful and true to your one life-partner I really feel that un-love (break up, cheating, etc.) is caused especially because love fades away, and this process happens faster because of more other people we are attracted to, due to natural instincts.

What I am asking is: given that it is natural to be attracted to others, how to be faithful to one partner, to one love, and one wife/husband, without reducing our exposure to people who can capture our interest?

My question would be irrelevant, of course, if you believe that "a big heart" means having multiple partners, simultaneously or over time.

[UpLOAding]

@schenderson22:
She doesn't know anything about LOA, so I guess she doesn't anticipate her (my) desired reality yet
 
Let me tell you: I started prioritizing our potential relationship almost a year ago, and I think that, even though it is not speed dating, I have achieved with this one woman such depth that I don't expect to have ever achieved with any 1000 other women.
I feel that from an inner growth perspective, it helped me a lot, and has put me in the right mentality of a family man
 
Yet, from an entirely non-LOA point of view, I am also wondering whether this may have caused her original feelings towards me to change, at least on an instinctive-attraction-sexuality level("Girls just wanna have fun..."). So I am in a bit of a dilemma.
 
From a purely LOA perspective, I should not worry about this I guess. What I know for sure is that I want to commit to her in every possible way

[Berylac]

But my question was more about a matter of "ability" or "trend".
 
What I mean is, if someone I love is very social and has many friends (and therefore spends less time/attention/etc. with me), would you think such a person is unable to commit?

Hi,

Okay. This is what I am going to tell. I have lots of friends and can admit the fact that I am very popular in the school because of my position and influences. The person I love, she is also very popular, but we are different schools.

However, I am not socialized. For her, she is very socialized and have lots of friends around here. Yes. I do have asked her to go out for gathering and stuff like that and most of the time, she is unable to commit to the scene. Her schedule is flooded with parties and events for this holiday and it's extremely hard to find opportunities.

Another thing is, she seems to us LoA to attract her friends and what she wants but she doesn't know. This is what I am going to tell you. No matter if your partner is busy with other friends, just remember we have higher mental faculty than 99.7% of the humans on earth. We are the 0.02% who has mastered the Law of Attraction. We can have the " ability " or " trend " to influence each others but thoughts.

=) Hope this helps,

Regards,
Berylac

[Ginny]

@upLOAding: perhaps my perspective is different from yours because I am female. I think, surprisingly, I must have a much stronger instinct towards monogamy than you do. Whenever I have been 'in love' (quotes used for complicated reasons that are largely semantic, and I have an aversion to semantic arguments) I have no interest in anyone else in that way. So, for me, it is not 'natural' to be attracted to more than one person at a time. I still like to meet new people and make new friends though, because people and love (and here I'm not using quotes because I'm talking about non- sexual love, which seems to have less potential for confusion) are important to me.

[Ginny]

.... Continuing because what I've written above might be mistaken for prudishness, and I dislike prudishness nearly as much as you dislike promiscuity. Even though I personally tend to be strongly monogamous, and don't seem to find myself sexually attracted to more than one person at a time (and I have a strong sex drive, and have been with the same partner over 20 years) I sort of think it's irrelevant to the discussion. Regardless of whether someone is naturally monogamous or not, I think it is natural to want to meet new people and have close loving friendships. If someone cuts him or herself off from others for fear of straying or being tempted, it would suggest to me that they have other problems in that they cannot trust themselves or their emotions. If someone is not monogamous, i don't have a problem with them following whatever lifestyle suits them, as long as they are honest with others about it. If someone believes themselves to be monogamous though, you shouldn't have to cut yourself off from others to behave in accordance with your heart and ideals - suggests a peculiar weakness that the mere presence of others could divert you from what you think you want and is right

[loveofabundance]

I believe that being a people person is better for relationships because you have learned social skills.  It is very easy to be kind and sincerely interested in your fellow human while being in love with a specific person.  Since falling in love, I feel a greater responsibility to reach out to others than before.

[UpLOAding]

Thank you Ginny and loveofabundance.
 
Different life stories perhaps, and maybe gender differences.
 
In hindsight I think my "problem" was that I enjoyed more the popularity, the spotlight, being in the center of everyone's attention, rather than the individual relationships/friendships.
 
I also enjoyed the practical value of "knowing people", and I think it led me extremely far, from discounts, free concerts, freebies, jobs, free holidays, skipping queues at airports, etc.
 
However, maybe because I am a man, I also have a "natural" instinct to want to impress any woman I communicate with. This is auto-included to the socializing process, though I am now able to consciously control myself.
By socializing with women there's always sexual excitement, so I think that if I don't consciously prioritize the woman I love, the focus of my attention "naturally" shifts to other women.
 
Ginny, I would also like to mention, that especially because of this - what would you call it... "male horniness"? - I feel that sexual attraction and Love are two separate independent feelings.
 
I would literally die, or strip my organs (and anything else within ethical and lawful sphere), give everything I possess (but not that of my parents) to the woman I love, only for her and nobody else, yet I can easily imagine myself to still have sexual attraction or even actual sex with other women, and I feel I would enjoy this. From my studies in psychology I think this is "natural" (let's give it an exotic name: polysexual monoamory?)but it is also the most obvious cause - in the long term - of misunderstandings, neglection, dis-empathy, fading focused love, etc.
 
So my ideal of exclusivity in monogamy/marriage has a practical element: I feel it protects me from the natural polysexuality (which can lead to promiscuity, cheating, etc.) and boosts my ability to commit to the needs of my actual relationship, and the woman I Love.
 
I have explored a lot about polyamory and its various forms. Actually they have been a big part of my life story, yet in my own life I feel that while I could sexually love many women, I can fully and truly, deeply Love only one.

As you can imagine, the non-practical part of my logic is that if I avoid other women for the rest of my life, I might not get a job, benefits, and whatsoever.

[Ginny]

I agree that love and sexual attraction aren't the same thing. For many people though (particularly women I suspect) they are interlinked. For me personally, I cannot feel sexually attracted to a man that I do not like enormously (probably what most people would call love). I have never in my life seen a man, however gorgeous, and thought he was sexy without knowing a lot about him and having deep admiration for him as a person. I think many people are like this, but certainly not all. So, love and sex are linked for many people, but are not the same thing. This is clear from the depth of love you can feel for friends and family, where there is no sexual element at all.