Commitment - Complete, Utter, Radical Honesty

[judasentinel]

Today, I vow, without a shadow of doubt, without any hesitation, that I am going to be honest in EVERY area of my life, without any fear of consequences or anticipation of rewards. This means that I will express my opinions honestly when asked for, and will NEVER hold anything back, not even the tiniest detail, regardless of the consequence, if complete honesty requires me to reveal it.

The reason I have vowed this is because there was time in my life when I was this way - honest to the point where people would frown at me for being that way. Yet, I had inner peace and no turmoil. I said what I believed, acted what I felt was honest action, and always stood behind my word. It was easy. Real easy. I didnt have to scheme, plan or look for answers because there was no struggle inside. That is EXACTLY how I was with my Bella. Nothing that she did bothered me and I was always honest. It was heavenly. Only when I started becoming a little closed due to feeling rejected did I become negative. No more of that!!

I believe I need to get to the same place again. And if in doing so I repel certain people, so be it. I know I attract those who are like me and right now and forever, I need honest people around me more than ever. Like attracts like, right? So let's see who gravitates towards me. It may be a hard challenge for most of us (including me) because we're conditioned to be conditionally honest.

But unconditional love requires unconditional honesty. And that's the step I am taking.

Join me in this quest...........you just never know it may take us into the land of no regrets, no remorse, no shame and no guilt. I am looking forward to that.

[Ginny]

It depends what you mean. Honesty is good, in terms of giving other people the information they need to work with, but I think sometimes it's just a front to excuse manipulation (as when, the other person already knows how you feel, but you use the opportunity to tell them again and again in ever more heart-wrenching tones, in an effort to make them feel guilty and give you what you want). And sometimes it's unnecessary (think of the example where your friend is wearing a dress that you think is absolutely hideous, but which she is thrilled with. Does she really need to know that you think it looks like a pile of sick?).
 
I'll give a qualified yes: Honesty tempered with compassion and empathy.

[judasentinel]

To me, honesty does not mean being nasty and saying things that hurt people. There is always a way to say everything without having to make it sound negative. And to me, no, it is never unnecessary, not even in case of my friend who looks hideous TO ME in that dress. What I would say is that she looks a certain way TO ME and that my opinion is simply one person's idea.

Let me ask you this: You are walking down a street with your brother and you see that the his fly of his pants are open to the point that it is almost impossible to hide the fact that he is not wearing an underwear. Would you tell your brother to zip up? I would say yes.

Now you see the same phenomenon of a stranger walking up towards you on the street. Would you tell him that his fly is open?

[Ginny]

I would probably tell a stranger if their fly was open, but I wouldn't tell them that their trousers were hideous. What's the difference between the two? I guess the former is more universally acknowledged and fixable. most people think flies should be zipped up, but not everyone would agree that his trousers were hideous. Now, if he stopped and asked my opinion, I'd say, "No, I don't like those trousers" (same with the friend come to think of it). But if the opinion is unsolicited, I'd usually keep it to myself.

[judasentinel]

.....This means that I will express my opinions honestly when asked for, and will NEVER hold anything back, not even the tiniest detail, regardless of the consequence, if complete honesty requires me to reveal it.

Agreed. Hence, the above comment. It all boils down to intent. If I do want to hurt the other person, I must stay honest to my intent. But if I do not wish to hurt her/him, then I will say with utmost honesty what I wish to convey, while ensuring that my objective is achieved without causing hurt.

There are retreats happening in the world where for X number of days everyone speaks openly, honestly, and without any shame or fear. It would interesting to attend something like that. I remember in my 20s I came up with this idea to be honest 100% of the time. I made less friends, but those that I did make are still friends. I think when people accept you in your darkest hour, then you know both who you are and what they are made of.

[Ginny]

Well, in that sense I agree with you.
 
And I agree about intent - which is why I made the comments about manipulation.
 
This is part of the problem I have with the 'no contact' rule. Having read lots of people's stories, I can see why it's a good idea - because many people are obsessed with having what they want, and don't give a lot of thought to what their ex wants (however much they protest to the contrary). 'No contact' then I think can be a good way of getting perspective, cooling down if you're still hurting and so on. But it's usually put forward as a means of manipulation - make the other person miss you and all that. Which I think is totally naff. If you have nothing but good feelings for another person, and think that it would make them feel good to hear from you, then why ever would you hold back?
 
So, I think I'm mainly with you on this one. The problems arise when people don't really udnerstand themselves or their motivations (as is often the case - and as true for me as anyone else I've ever observed) - you can convince yourself that you haven't got any residual resentment towards a person, for example, when in fact you do (just one example). So I think that's the big barrier - being honest with yourself first.

[loveofabundance]

If you have nothing but good feelings for another person, and think that it would make them feel good to hear from you, then why ever would you hold back?

That's the rub right there.  The first and only time i ever told Chris i loved him was when i broke up with him.  in my culture, the man has to say those words first otherwise you will scare him away and he will be GONE. 
 
Waiting for the man to say those words first had never been an issue for me because i'd never been in love before.  See, because i wasn't in love, i wasn't waiting.  once the man would say it, i'd say, "i love you, too."  It was true, i did love that person, but, i wan't in love with the person.  if he would have asked me if i was in love, I would have had to say no. 
 
With Chris, my heart was (and still is) bursting with love for him.  i wanted to shout my love for him to the rooftops.   I wanted to kiss his face one million times and say, "I love you!  I love you!  I love you!  I love you!"  But, i held back because I didn't want to push him away.
 
Chris has always been very emotionally contained with me.  The other guys i've dated would tell me they loved me, i was beautiful, how lucky they felt to be with me, they can't wait for all of their friends and family to meet me, when can they see me again, they want to spend the rest of their lives with me, etc.  Chris isn't like that.  So, I waited, and waited, and waited as the love in my heart grew stronger.
 
So there I was bottling up my feelings, learning to be with a man who is very independant and apparently mildly attracted to me at best.  I wanted to see him every day (never let on though, I didn't want to appear clingy.  I did vocalize wanting to see him more often, however.) and he'd make plans to see me 1-2 times per week.  i started counting how many times he called/texted me thinking, "Is he liking me more?  less?"  i was definitely starting to get to where i was going to become needy, clingy, desparate and i knew i'd lose him if that happened.  So I went no contact to work on myself and i only opened lines of communication when i had information that i thought would amuse him and when i thought it would make him happy.
 
The point i'm trying to make is that it is very possible to have only good feelings for someone and to think that it would not make them feel good to hear from you. 
 
 

[Ginny]

The point i'm trying to make is that it is very possible to have only good feelings for someone and to think that it would not make them feel good to hear from you.

I completely agree with that, but that wasn't the case I was talking about. I meant when both conditions are true, that you have no issues that need resolving and you also know that the person would be happy to hear from you. I've seen a lot of advice on this board that suggests a prescriptive 'no contact' rule is required, and the rationale given is often related to making the other person miss you, which just seems a bit off to me. Give them space sure, sort out your own feelings sure, but deliberately play a game in an effort to get them to like you more.... doesn't feel right to me.

[loveofabundance]

@Ginny, yeah, I see were you're coming from and I agree.  I think it has so much to do with the notion that a heavy pusuit must occur otherwise the relationship isn't as serious.

Also, sometimes people are so focused on trying to attract their partner that they're actually blocking attempts of the partner to attract them.  this is why meditation is so important.  It teaches us to pay attention to energy.

a lot of the get back ex advice is still focused on the material world, such as, date others so they realise what they missed and come crawling back to you.  It all boils down to fear.