All Is Well

[tereza]

Sorry, this is going to be long since well, I haven't written anything in a long time. I was hoping that I would be able to write an update when things were good, but eh. Guess not. Soooooo what I've been up to lately:

Last I wrote about my situation was in October when I was asking whether or not I should move to California. Well, it felt completely wrong to move at that time, so I waited till the end of the year. I mention this because it was one of those things where I could see how waiting till I was in alignment made a huge difference because things started coming together, such as money, opportunities and helpful recommendations. While before in October, nothing was working out for me and I was completely stressed.

Anyway, last month I flew out to Los Angeles, where I spent a few days looking for a place. It wasn't until the last day I was there, right when I was about to give up and settle for an ugly small place, that I found the apartment that was perfect for me.

Oh and while I was there my guy kept asking to meet up and then drove all the way down to where I was staying and took me out to dinner. Woo! 

Anyway, at the end of the evening he dropped me off at my hotel and there was some awkwardness where he was just smiling at me from ear to ear. I had no clue if he wanted a kiss or what because he was just sitting there smiling. So I told him that I couldn't read him and that I felt like I should give him a hug. He said that would be nice and gave me this super tight hug. Then when I got out of the car he kept looking at me with that smile, so I said again, I really can't read you. He then patted the car seat with that same weird smile on his face and said maybe we should talk. I freaked out because well, that's the thing my mom does when she wants to tell me bad news. So I said, no, that's ok and went back to my hotel room.

A little later, we chatted online and he asked about the awkward goodbye and if I was expecting anything. I said that I wasn't expecting anything, but I thought maybe he was. He said he was expecting at least a hug, so I told him I tend to be awkward about hugs if the other person doesn't lead. He then said, yeah I should know that about you by now and that next time he will remember to take charge. I probably should've asked if he was still talking about hugs, but for some reason I was certain he was talking about more than hugs.

Anyway, fast forward to now. I've been in California for about a week and things have been going pretty well. There have been some hiccups here and there, but usually it leads to something better happening. So I'm good.

The only thing that's a bit hazy is what's going on between me and him. I'll chat with him from time to time on instant messenger, but since I've moved he seems kind of distant. Then today we were chatting and it was kind of confusing. Like he was trying to invite me out, but then he wasn't. Like towards the end of the conversation he said that I should visit Chinatown because he goes there all the time and I said yeah sure, one day I will. Then he says, let me know when you do go there and I'll point some places out to you to visit.  Is it just me or does that sound kind of stupid? Like why not invite yourself along?

Now I'll admit that I was being a bit difficult since I kept talking about how exhausted I was today from work and that I was just staying in and relaxing. But still, that doesn't mean I'm not open to meeting another day.

Anyway, after that conversation, I had a weird feeling, so I logged into OkCupid and saw that his online dating profile was up again and with a new photo. Bleh.

I'm not really sure what to think of this. Like, I can see how I wasn't attracting an invitation out because I was complaining. And yeah, I'm not quite 100% settled in, so I don't really feel prepared to be going out and entertaining. But I don't see how I attracted his online dating profile being up again.

Though…the other day I didn't chat with him even though we were both online. Maybe that had something to do with it? But eh. He could've said hello himself and I would've told him I couldn't chat because I was talking with someone else about something important.

I'm not really sure what to do now. Like part of me wonders if I've been too vague about my interest.  But then, after all these years and all those stupid times I've told him how I felt, shouldn't he have some clue that I still like him? Could he really be that clueless?

Also, the last thing I want to do is have a conversation about my feelings and where we stand. I hate those sorts of conversations. They're just painfully uncomfortable and I'm always left feeling like some idiot who's going to get rejected. I don't want to say...HEY I LIKE YOU!!! like some weirdo. I just want things to flow naturally and develop into something awesome, kind of like how it was when we last met up. Sweet, a little awkward, but with some progress.

Anyway, sorry for all that rambling, but to those who managed to read the whole thing, what are your thoughts? Maybe you see something, that I'm not seeing because I'm way too close to the situation and a bit moody from moving?

[irishgirl69]

Tereza, the first thing that I picked up is apprehension and uncertainty about what you think is happening or perhaps even what you want to happen?  I can totally understand that given your history with him.  But I think that's what he's picking up on.  This is the first time you've lived in the same place, right?  Or at least for quite some time?  That has changed the dynamic of your relationship dramatically and I think he might be just treading lightly. 

As for the dating profile, I don't know that site so I'm not sure if there is any indication of when it was updated, but it's possible that he had it up before you moved and just hasn't thought about it?  Or if he is active on the site, it could just mean he's picking up on the apprehension and doesn't want to assume anything with you. 

I would suggest getting settled, getting your vibration up and then focus on what you want to happen.  Based on what you were saying about your conversation about Chinatown, it sounds like he chickened out or misread you and thought you weren't interested in going with him.

Don't read too much into all of this - I think it's just the wrinkles being ironed out.

Congrats on the move!

[tereza]

Thanks Irishgirl, I feel a bit silly now. But I think you've hit the nail on the head. Yeah, it's the first time we're in the same place. And I have been feeling nervous and uncertain about him and whole bunch of other things. Actually, I think he was trying to invite me out tonight, since he asked if I knew any good bars and where I lived, but I wasn't having any of it. I guess I was resistant because there's just been way too much going on lately and I kind of just want to hide out in my pjs for awhile.

Also, I don't know when the profile got put up, just that it's active. I know it's irrelevant in the grand scheme of things and you're probably right about him not wanting to assume things, but it does irritate me a bit. But maybe I just need to get some sleep or something.

[JustForToday]

tereza,

i think almost the same as irishgirl....
and to be honest, i dont know about the motivation of him. since you said you felt that he expected more than a hug, you could be right. and maybe he just wanted more.
i am just telling it like i see or feel it ok?

and at that point, where he didnt get that interest of you towards him, he took a step back. could be that he just wanted to take it lightly and gave up after not getting that kind of interest he was expecting and activatig his account to find someone else?
or he doesnt really know what you feel for him and took a step back just because of that and tries to make himself interesting for you in activating his profile- so that you have to come to him by showing your interest, cause he isnt sure about that at all?

well, i really dont know and i dont wanna confuse you more....
but as irishgirl said already, take time for yourself and settle down.... things will develop the way they should be anyway....

i hope i could help you a bit and that i made sense somehow....
and i send you many loving thoughts and more clearness about things

[irishgirl69]

Don't feel silly, Tereza.  I think it's difficult for any of us to look at our situations objectively, at least not at first.  Emotions are high and human nature is to protect your heart, so you're always going to jump to the worse case scenario.  The trick is not to act too impulsively, which you didn't do.  I wouldn't worry about his hinting to ask you out - it will happen again!   

[lise]

It does sound like you're both a bit hesistant and each waiting for the other to make it a bit more obvious what you're thinking and feeling. From his point of view, if you're talking about being tired then maybe he's reluctant to ask you out directly for you to then say, no I'm too tired and he's left wondering how tired you are or if it's just an excuse not to go with him.

he did ask you to meet up when you visited and was looking happy and did ask for a chat and you jumped out of the car - perhaps this time, he's trying to hint rather than ask.

Next time he mentions something along the China town lines and he asks if you've been - why not say no but I really fancy it. If he offers to tell you some place - just ask him if he fancies coming along. What's the worse that can happen? Someone's got to be a little bit brave and take the iniative. I'm all for the law of attraction but at times it's more expediant to just ask then spend forever and a day visualising that they ask. You say you want things to " just want things to flow naturally and develop into something awesome," and it will but it has to start somewhere.

[Vicki Christina]

Tereza, Relax and remember that you have to take inspired action!   When you are emotionally ready - I hope soon-  ask him if he wants to meet in China Town.  What is the worst thing that can happen?  Just be flexible.   If he did not want to see you, he would not keep contact and hint about how happy he is to see you.  Also,  you know there are no other girlfriends, or else he would not be on a dating site.  He is free to start a relationship with you!

[JustForToday]

tereza,

i didnt want to hurt you with my post or make it look negative....
i am not a person who will always say go for it even when there is no point to say it.

just relax- you know that already

hope you understand my comment, just wanted to show you the 2 ways it could be and i am always try to be as much as objective as i can.

melanie

[tereza]

Thanks Irishgirl!

Crazysoul, I'm not upset with your post and I think I kind of understood what you were trying to say. I've got a pretty long history with this guy, so I know that the dating profile isn't up because he's trying to make me jealous and I know he's not into casual relationships. It's just that sometimes he gets a bit…I don't know shy, timid? I'm not sure what word would describe it, but it's not easy for him to show his interest. Which is kind of the same problem I have. Heh. Like attracts like.

I've just been quiet because I've had to wrestle with some thoughts and emotions this morning and I'm starting to feel a little better. Thanks for being concerned.

Lise, thanks for some perspective on what he might've been thinking. I think he may have picked up on the fact that I was tired, but I think he might've felt a little hurt too as he kind of ended the conversation abruptly. Oh and….

I'm all for the law of attraction but at times it's more expediant to just ask then spend forever and a day visualising that they ask.

that line is too perfect. It made me laugh to imagine myself sitting there visualizing something happening while he's right there next to me growing impatient waiting for something to happen.

And Vicki, I think you and Lise are right about taking action. I think I probably need to step up and actually ask him out this time or be more receptive if he tries to hint at stuff again. I think I know how I'm going to approach it. Just have to wait till it feels right. Also, good point about him being available.

[JustForToday]

ahhh cool, now i got it---- then irishgirl was right 

he is too shy and thought that you have not much interest in him.
so, if youre ready, show it obviously

[tereza]

...

[lise]

I think it sounds similar to your other example. You're both a bit freaked out, both a bit hesitant and neither of you wants to be the one to broach what happened, presumably because you're both thinking the other might read too much or not enough into it. You're still talking which is good albeit that neither of you is saying what's on your mind! If you don't want to ask him outright if things are ok and I'm guessing he'd say yes theynwere whilst wondering what specifically you mean - then perhaps the visual/ affirm route for more comfortable communication is a way to go for now?

Don't panic! X

[I Love Rainbows]

You asked in your first post if we saw anything which stood out to us. YES! I see that you're both too scared to jump in. One of you is going to have to overcome that, and you can't make it be him so why don't you do it? When I read that you'd been in this situation for years I went WOW! That's a long time!

I know you said you don't want to have one of those awkward conversations about feelings and stuff, but maybe you'll have to get to the point where you're sorta ok with those conversations.

I suggest next time he is on instant messenger, you say to him: It's clear there's something between us. How would you like to give it more of a chance to see where this thing goes?

Then ask him out.

Also make it clear what you want...if you both want a relationship, the OKCupid profile comes down. If he just wants a casual fling, he should be upfront with you about that too, then you can decide if that's what you want.

You gotta get more direct and confident! See where this thing goes. If it's awesome, make it awesome, grow it into something brilliant. If he's 'not there', then at least you'll know and you can stop wasting energy on it.

[tereza]

I think it sounds similar to your other example. You're both a bit freaked out, both a bit hesitant and neither of you wants to be the one to broach what happened, presumably because you're both thinking the other might read too much or not enough into it. You're still talking which is good albeit that neither of you is saying what's on your mind! If you don't want to ask him outright if things are ok and I'm guessing he'd say yes theynwere whilst wondering what specifically you mean - then perhaps the visual/ affirm route for more comfortable communication is a way to go for now?

That's a good idea, I think I'm just going to do some affirmations for comfortable communication.

You asked in your first post if we saw anything which stood out to us. YES! I see that you're both too scared to jump in. One of you is going to have to overcome that, and you can't make it be him so why don't you do it? When I read that you'd been in this situation for years I went WOW! That's a long time!

I know you said you don't want to have one of those awkward conversations about feelings and stuff, but maybe you'll have to get to the point where you're sorta ok with those conversations.

Yeah, it's been a few years in the making, but eh...I can see how the time was necessary. None of this would've been possible 2-3 years ago.

Anyway, the main reason I don't want to bring this up is because I've done it so many times in the past and it's always been a bit of a flop. He'd either say lets be friends or like the last time, he agreed to seeing what could happen (after deliberating over it for a super long time), but then freaked out after one bad phone call. Based on past experience it seems to work better when he's the one bringing it up. But then, there isn't all that physical distance between us anymore and well, all of this could be changed with the LoA. So...who knows?

[lise]

"Anyway, the main reason I don't want to bring this up is because I've done it so many times in the past and it's always been a bit of a flop. He'd either say lets be friends or like the last time, he agreed to seeing what could happen (after deliberating over it for a super long time), but then freaked out after one bad phone call. Based on past experience it seems to work better when he's the one bringing it up. But then, there isn't all that physical distance between us anymore and well, all of this could be changed with the LoA. So...who knows? "

Breaking patterns of behaviour that have been unsuccessful can be tricky! There seem to be a whole load of posts recently that I can relate to! I don't know what the answer is Tereza, recognising that there is a pattern I guess is start - how to successfully change them can seem less obvious!

I think / know/ believe that it shouldn't be about wanting them to change their behaviour even if they are being bloody annoying! Lol and changing ours. The times I've manifested fastest haven't involved visualising, affirming, or anything else - I haven't even had to have faith - it's just involved thinking about something and then not thinking about it - not looking , checking or expecting just nothing. However, I think it's easier to do that when it's a ticket for something or something you think that would be nice but don't really have any emotional attachment to.