Why I flipped out yesterday

[UpLOAding]

I appreciate all your concern and the help some of you gave me in private. I really became violent.

It was the sum of many negative coincidences coming together at once.

I got so stressed yesterday that I even lost my energy to write. Well, I know I write too long, but I got tired of asking. I got tired of everything. Now I am a bit more calm, so here is what happened.

Background story (most of you already know it, but I really think the details would make you understand why I flipped out):
http://www.powerlawofattraction.com/forum/1/update-stable-progress-surprises-but-effects-of-distance/

Basically, we talk quite frequently and until 2 weeks ago we were actively encouraging each other and following each others' achievements.

However, what happened yesterday was a big blow.

1. About 1 month ago she had told me that after her exams she would go to city Alpha (in her country), to the countryside.
2. The ex-roommate whom I visited a few days ago said that my girl had told her various weeks ago that she would go to a wedding in the Spanish islands.
3. Then, this morning, my cousin told me that on my girls' Facebook profile, last Friday she had written about organizing a trip to Spain and also had the tickets already.

Yesterday I called her via Skype online voicechat and we had a pretty normal conversation as always. She congratulated me on my current partial achievements and said that she didn't know her results yet, which is why she didn't call me yet. I asked about her family and other random things. We spoke around 15 minutes.
Towards the end I asked her:"So, you're going to city Alpha right?"
She (very calm and slow, normal tone):"Not these days. I'm still here for now. Maybe the beginning of August I'm going to the countryside and then to the city Alpha. But just for a weekend or so."
I didn't answer.
She:"Well, Chris, I have to go and help my mother out with chores now. Hear you again."
I didn't answer.
She:"Hello? Do you hear me?"
I:"Sorry... didn't hear you. What did you say."
She:"I said that..."
And she cut the line.

I was shocked about the fact that she didn't tell me the whole story.

I wrote her a few lines on Skype saying I didn't understand but she didn't answer. I wrote "goodnight" in a very normal tone and and logged out of Skype.

After various conversations with friends, on the forum and in my city, I decided that she might need space, but that it was still strange that she actively avoided talking about such an important thing.
A trip is something that requires lots of organizing, getting a Visa (she is not from an European country), doing many things. Effort and energy. It is not some ladies' shopping day but a big project.
My cousin also said that my girl had talked very happily about the wedding of her friends on her Facebook. She had written "How nice to know when friends get married."

So, it is something pretty important. Why not share with me? She even didn't share with me the fact that her grandmother had been hospitalized... Her roommate told me!

I truly am very open-minded about giving space, but I feel these are pretty important events in life. Not something trivial. This is why I was more worried than usual.

I am now deciding how to react and I have already written part of the following to one forum friend who helped me a lot with this:

According to a person who was romantically involved with me in the past, very often I came across as indifferent and uninterested EVEN THOUGH I was actually needy and willing to know. My effort to look cool and "not needy" made me come across completely neglecting and cold.

I do not want to come across the same way with my girl now!!!

I remembered a brief moment during our Skype-phone conversation yesterday. She apologized for not contacting me because she didn't know her results yet.
For the first time since ages I had the courage and spontaneity to say:"Hey, I called you to ask how you are, too. Not for your grades." And I heard a small heart-felt laugh
I usually don't tell her such things directly and openly... but maybe this time it helped.
It made me really tell her that I was interested in HER and not her grades. I think that was deep.

So, I am wondering whether I might continue on that track (deepening intention, opening up) rather than staying indifferent.

I certainly do not want to come across as controling, so I thought of the following compromise. Please let me know whether to you it sounds controling or not:

"Dear Friend, how are you?
Did you have the opportunity to look at my photos of that event?
[etc. other random stuff]
I wanted to write to you something that was stuck in my heart yesterday, but I was a bit afraid to tell you.
When I was at your roommate's place for lunch, she asked me what was your news, since I hear from you more often. I said that you have been very busy with studies and are relaxing a bit now.
Then she asked whether I knew anything about a wedding. I was surprised and said no. She said that you were going to a wedding in Spain. I didn't know what to say, since you had never told me
Anyway, I didn't pay much attention until another friend of ours told me that she read on your Facebook that you are organizing a whole roundtrip in Spain and inviting anyone to join.
Wow, great, I thought, since that was your dream destination I remember, so I wanted to talk about it with you on the phone yesterday, but I  didn't want to sound as if trying to intrude in your plans and knowing everything about the trip you organize before you even invite me
So I only asked you about your plans to visit city Alpha, but on the phone yesterday you didn't say anything about Spain.
I really didn't want to sound too surprised, but in fact I was, and now you know it.
Well, perhaps it's nothing really important, maybe you just forgot to tell me, because you forgot that I don't use Facebook.
Or maybe you didn't want to invite me. That was my gut feeling. So, if there's any problem, any reason for which you don't want me to join you in Spain, please let me know and your wish will be my command
You know you are my best friend and I really appreciate it when I hear the right information from the right person, and when you speak from the heart.
I hope this does not trouble you.
I just wanted to know what's going on, if anything is going on.
Have a nice day"

I would appreciate your feedback on this.

I have decided that I am calling her today, at least to show that I was concerned about yesterday, but if you have any ideas/advise on what to write afterwards, or whether to change the contents of what I plan to tell her, please let me know.

[I AM LOVE!]

Hi Uploading

Well I have been reading all your posts a lot all this time but never replied anything because of following reasons..No personal offenses however!

1.I dont know why but I feel that your main motive on posting on this forum is to validate your own thoughts..You are way too closed on accepting anyone else's opinion/advice.

2.I too have felt that you have attacked quite a lot of people in the past who tried to reply to you..so I did never attempted to reply because had I witnessed any of the attacking replies it would have lowered my vibration.

3.I have always seen you focussed on your and your posts only with little or almost no relies or contributions in any other posts.Personally I feel little unhappy about members who consider only their own wishes.Remember this online community is based on the principle of LEARNING AND GROWING TOGETHER.
The reason why am writing this is not to offend you but to let you know that you could and would have attracted more help and support in here if you considered the above points but like they say Better late than never.
As far as the answer to your question is concerned,honestly I would say talk to her normally instead of writing a letter but dont expect anything specific so that you are detached.From a girl's prespective I can tell you that yes we do like passion and the persuing of guys who like us so your decision of opening up is correct.
All the best in your conversation with her.
Much love & peace!

[lashark]

When you call her, why not just bring up "So, so and so told me you're going to spain! Lucky you, are you excited?" I think if she see's you are happy for her and think it is cool and you are just being yourself and easygoing it will make her want to talk more and share more with you. Because she will see that you are just a kind happy person   ? 

Me and one of my GF's were talking about guys and exes the other day, every single ex in her life has returned or tried to, even one she cheated on. We basically came to a conclusion, we are amazing and these guys fell for us for a reason so let's just not ever forget that, CONFIDENCE, makes anyone sexy. I had this friend back in the day, called him Polar and he was overweight, no job, hahah stayed with his mom, and HE GOT SO MANY GIRLS. It was crazy. Like girls would throw themselves at him everyday we were at parties, ALL kinds of girls. I'm not even kidding this guy had so much play and girls fighting over him. Confidence. Regardless of what you decide to do with this girl, be confident.

[UpLOAding]

@lashark
Quite true. I thought it would be useful to solve any differences if there are any. Or are you saying to just ignore them and almost "self-invite" myself to Spain?
To say something like "Hey, wow, thanks for inviting everyone! Count me in!!!"    ?
 
As I have said very often, I am very sunshine-emitting and bright. Even when I am sad, people think I am happy (it's not always a good thing, since people misunderstand me).
 
However, if there truly is any problem (i.e. she misunderstood me about something) I would like her to tell me.
I also remember that one of the first things she said she loves about me (2 years ago...) was that I am very honest and direct.
I haven't been totally honest ever since, and far from direct.
Shouldn't I solve these as well?

[lashark]

I don't know if you should invite yourself because you don't know how she will react especially if she hasn't even brought it up with you, but if you are to mention that you know about the trip I think you should do it in a happy-for-her/non-chalant way, I think THAT will open the door for her to discuss it more and be willing to share more with you because she will see that you are happy for her, 

good luck I'm sure it will go great, just stay positive aand confident,

[UpLOAding]

OK... and the part where I apologize for asking only about "city Alpha"?

[lashark]

What do you mean? like what to say if she asks why you only brought up alpha before and not spain as well?

[UpLOAding]

I think she understood it from my tone yesterday.
 
I went totally silent when she said that she would stay only in her country and said nothing about Spain.
 
So she probably knew that I had a hunch that she was lying to me / withholding information, but also that I was "testing" her.

[UpLOAding]

1.I dont know why but I feel that your main motive on posting on this forum is to validate your own thoughts..You are way too closed on accepting anyone else's opinion/advice.

I don't think it is only about validating thoughts but finding new ideas. However, I often find old ideas that I have also heard when I was 12 years old, and those seem very inappropriate in my case. It's not that I do not accept them. I just can't see how some of them relate to my specific situation, that's true.
However, I am not talking about ALL, just those you probably meant. I have found lots of useful advice here, as well. But very often, only after the helpers have really understood my story.
For example, see how the discussion evolved in the topic  "Avoid atheists or debate gracefully"?
In the end, I think Ginny perfectly understood and was able to "personalize" my situation.

2.I too have felt that you have attacked quite a lot of people in the past who tried to reply to you..so I did never attempted to reply because had I witnessed any of the attacking replies it would have lowered my vibration.

I never felt that I attacked anyone. I am often very honest and direct and thereby, without it being my intention, it may have come across as an attack.
See, this is yet another situation where I feel that my communication comes across completely differently from what I actually want to communicate. I feel it has been the source of most problems in my life. To hear that it's still there, after all my efforts to communicate better, makes me lose self-confidence, etc. etc.

3.I have always seen you focussed on your and your posts only with little or almost no relies or contributions in any other posts.Personally I feel little unhappy about members who consider only their own wishes.

I do not agree with this.
I have written many posts on broader topics not involved with my own situation but that can be applied generally, but I have also advised those who were in situations similar to mine (especially those with long distance stories).
I have also helped those who have asked me via PM, and I think I have invested most time via PM.
In general though, I do not think that my advice, which most people would consider weird and too "philosophical", might be embraced by the majority of people here.

All the best in your conversation with her.
Much love & peace!

Thanks a lot!

[kins 9]

@uPloading: the only way to get out of anything , is to get through it.... ur through it! it has to stop .... please take care of urself bcoz better things r on ur way

[2thetop]

well man, i can tell you from experience you went into that whole situation the wrong way.  you went in looking for a bad result and you got one.  i can tell you went in looking for a bad result because you said nothing when she responded.  you expected the convo to go that way.  i used to that with my girl.  people pick up on that.  we are constantly sending positive or negative vibes out and those that we are attracted to and that attracted to us pick up on it easily.  she might very well want some space.  she might want to just go an hang with her friends.  she might not even be actually going.  hell you have no clue being she didnt tell you. 
my only advice to you is to straighten that thought process out asap.  you keep that up and shell be gone by dawn.  i was lucky enough that my girl really has a lot of love in her heart for me, and she put up with it for a while.  instead of looking for negative results and focusing on the negative of the situation, if she is going, be happy for her.  be happy she is getting to get away. be happy she is going to enjoy a day and experience a beautiful union between two people.  hell if she likes you enough it may make her miss you and tighten the bond between you too. 
all in all, look at what emotions you are focusing on with this.  are they positive? if not then find something positive about the situation to focus on. 

[UpLOAding]

Thanks 2thetop.
 
Exactly that was what I was starting to fear.
 
But - in that case - before I can straighten up my thoughts, shouldn't I "apologize" for the negative vibes I sent? For testing and mistrusting her? For waiting in silence without answering? etc?

[2thetop]

nope.......i wouldn't bother.  if anything just apologize for being distant.  you had things on your mind.  i would personally move on.  get your head right and don't repeat the mistake.  or do your best not to.  one thing that has helped me in that area, well a few things i guess, are 1)don't assume anything 2) when going into a situation like that, stop before making the call or starting the convo and picture the convo in your head.  go over every possible response by her and you, get the negative response out in your head, then create a positive response and focus on the positive response.  now im not saying that she will respond in the way you visualize, or that things will exactly go according to "plan" but you are needing to reprogram your thoughts and responses right now.  that is not an easy task that happens over night.  it can, but it requires a great deal of focus on you and not her.  which in these situations can be a bit of a challenge.
by reprogramming your thoughts from negative responses to positive encouraging and up lifting responses, you wont need to apologize.  she will think, hmm maybe he was having a bad day, or she might just not think on it and just enjoy the new vibe you are sending out.  by apologizing you are looking for her forgiveness which will validate you forgiving yourself for it.  forgive yourself, and make yourself a promise to not repeat the mistake.  if it is true and heartfelt you will do everything in your power to avoid that situation again. even if it means not talking to her when you are feeling overwhelmed by negative emotions.  all negative emotions spawn from some sort of fear.  let go of fear and embrace love.  appreciate the time you do speak to her and the convos you do have.  if you can truely appreciate them, it will come through in your convo and things like this wont come up as much.
hope that helps some what......coffee is still kickin in.....i might need to stop making this my first stop in the morning lol

much love

[UpLOAding]

Thanks, 2thetop.

I think that sounds great.

But just let me ask one thing: what do you think of opening up and being honest with the person I love?

I mean, honesty and directness is what she has said that she appreciates most about me.

I really like the prospect of being together again and imagining myself positively interacting with her.
But what do you think about confronting the issues and talking about them openly/honestly?

I am just asking because I am divided between just focusing on positive vibes and communicating openly and "opening my heart out" to her...

[2thetop]

being open and honest about what?  being open and honest is a good thing.  but why do you ask and what are you asking about?  are you asking if you should drop to a knee and profess your love? or are you asking if you should explain why you acted distant on the phone?  what issues are you talking about?  I will be honest with you.  from what you have said here, i see no issues on her side.  I see an issue where you jump to the negative conclusion.  where you make her not asking you about you.  it may just be something she needs to do by herself.  i know its easy to take things personal, but this is part of letting go in the situation.  you have to let her do her thing as well as you do your thing.  you dont always have to do everything with the other person.  in fact its not advised.  you both need to be able to do things on your own, dont make her feel guilty for taking personal space and time. 
maybe explain to her that you were told she was planning this trip.  it kinda hurt your feelings a bit that she didnt mention it to you.  but dont make her feel like she has to invite you.  just re-enforce that she can be open and tell you about whats going on, and that she doesnt have to invite you every where or to do everything with her. 
like I said personal space is a big thing.  i didnt get it until it was too late.  both parties must take time to themselves and not have to feel guilty about it.
hope this helps and answers some what
much love