Why Do I Give In So Easily?

[DannyDank]

I don't understand why I do the things I do sometimes, or more so why I feel like helping this person out. I can't really read her at this point, and in ways I'm starting to feel undermined in the situation, but then again I'm not. Like yesterday, I was at my house with a couple people having a few brews, and she calls me out of the blue to ask me to make a run for her since she isn't 21. Even though I knew she was going to go drink it with someone else, and that idea sort of hurt, but I did it anyway because I wanted her to have a good time.

Then today she hits me up again, because apparently she got too drunk yesterday and got her phone stolen. It just so happens that a couple days earlier I had found a random phone in my house. Don't even know where it came from, it was under something just hiding out I guess haha. Anyways, that phone is actually for her carrier. She asked me if I had an extra, so I gave it to her, because we all know what life can be like without our cell phones.

The thing is, my ego is just getting entirely fed up with the situation, but buried beneath all that frustration I can't help the way I feel. It's still there and I am forced to recognize it. I woke up today in such a pissy mood telling myself I don't even want to hear about this person anymore and just want to forget and move on. That was in the shower, low and behold when I get back to my room I have a message from her.

Is it wrong that I give in, or am I right to help her out?

[simplyjess]

Hey DannyDank,

In my opinion, it's a good thing to have a helping heart, where you come from a place of goodwill. However, my question to you is: What makes you feel like you're "giving in" by helping her? Does it make you feel like you're taken for granted?

It seems like her actions are affecting you and stirring up negative emotions in you...Rather than putting the spotlight on her, focus on yourself first. Right now, you are focusing your energy on her and her actions, thus giving her more power to affect you. The important thing is to reclaim that power by doing things that make YOU happy, not HER. I understand how it is very hard to say no to someone you care about (trust me I've been there, and it was worse), but sometimes it is the right thing to do. By outlining where your own boundaries lie, you will show them that, "Hey, I control my life and my world does not revolve around you." And when you show that you have that self-respect, THEY will respect YOU and may start thinking to themselves, "Something's different about this person..."

I'm not saying that you should not help her, but really ask yourself, how does it make YOU feel to help her? If you feel good that you've helped someone, feeling like you are a generous person with a big heart, then do it. This is a positive vibration that comes within you.

BUT if it makes you brings you down to help her, then simply just say no. If it doesn't make you feel good, why do it right? And when you focus on yourself and bring yourself to that place of joy that shines within, THEN start saying yes to things again. Slowly, one step at a time.

When I was in a similar situation, I focused on myself by chanting (it's how I practice Buddhism) the phrase "Nam-myoho-renge-kyo". As I chant I would tell myself that I am happy, and run through a list of things I like about myself. For you, DannyDank, perhaps appreciate yourself, give yourself a pat on the back for being someone with a big heart =)

Hope that helps.

J

[DannyDank]

Thank you Kaori, I really did need to hear that! When I help her, I do feel good about it, but I suppose there was an underlying feeling that I was indeed being taken for granted. It's actually ironic that I made this post, because literally a half hour later she called me. Normally she just texts, a call is rare. She wanted to thank me again for giving her the phone and offered to pay me for it even, but I don't want her money, I feel like it would taint it being a gift altogether.

She wants to hang out tonight though she said, which too is out of the blue because I am always the one asking her. I guess we shall see what comes of it. I am not letting any expectations, good or bad, get to me though. This is a time where I really need to just stay detached from the idea.

[simplyjess]

Awesome, very happy for you! Have fun at your hang out and keep us all posted! =)

I'll be chanting for you two!

Jess

[tereza]

Awesome advice Kaori, as counter-intuitive as it may seem, being sort of selfish and focusing on your happiness makes a huge difference. (oh and welcome to the forum by the way! 

@Danny, hope you two have fun tonight!

[DannyDank]

Haha thank you both, the sentiment is appreciated. I know we will

I guess it's just one of those things in life you can't ignore. As mad or fed up as I get, I fall to pieces inside when I see her, because I am reminded close up of why I feel what I do. Apparently, I was supposed to find that phone lol.

[pankti v kohli]

Thankyou for the post..