Author Topic: Unwanted ex returns and explains neediness (Read 1310 times)

Peace · « **on:** February 15, 2010, 11:23:29 PM »

The girl for whom I suffered most - 2 years of depression after she dumped me - started chatting with me yesterday night.

(just some kidding, but may be true: is LOA actually useful only to get exes back, and not for other relationships?!

)

Our conversation was very long and lighthearted, and I took to opportunity to ask her what had driven us apart when we were together, and what had made her decide to dump me. I wanted to use it as a feedback for future relationships.

I asked her whether I had come across as needy or clingy. At that time, even before I discovered LOA, many of my friends advised me not to show too much interest or be too clingy towards a girlfriend. I followed that advise very carefully.

But apparently I was totally wrong.

Her answer: She said that she was starting to feel as if I was distancing myself, as if I didn't care about her. She felt that I didn't really want her, and was only with her because I had nobody else.
She said I was exactly the opposite of needy and clingy and actually she would have liked if I had been needy!

After she dumped me, she said, she hoped I would do everything to fix the relationship. But I never did. Deep inside I wanted to write her letters, trying to apologize, trying to fix everything. But all my friends, and other people advising me, always told me not to do things that would make me come across as needy.

Apparently I could have gotten her back if I had been openly needy and clingy, and showed some desperation.

I am sharing this with you because I would like everyone to reconsider the common advice given here and elsewhere about not being needy... (I have heard this advice very often, also outside the LOA community!)

I also thought of trying to put myself in someone else's shoes: as a matter of fact, I can imagine that the more someone shows herself to be desperate about me, the more I think she really likes me and wants me, and the more I think I should be with her.
I also remembered of a friend of mine who first rejected a girl, but after the girl insisted and kept asking, he realized that she really loved him, and they became a couple.

This ex dumped me, and the more I believed that she was avoiding contact with me, the more I thought that she didn't like me or wasn't the right one. All that time, however, she really missed me and wanted me to show some signs of interest.

This may not be true for all people and all relationships, but it's worth a thought!

stevelewis · « **Reply #1 on:** February 24, 2010, 07:06:53 PM »

I would be very interested to see what people have to say on this one? ... Hmmm, but you obviously not interested now, and therefore you did the right thing and moved on, you were not meant to be? I think there is a balance, and maintaining a relationship needs work, strange she never told you this before!

twirlgirl · « **Reply #2 on:** February 24, 2010, 10:39:45 PM »

I have to agree with her. I like a "needy" guy.

If you are really into someone, they don't have to play games, or play hard to get, to "get" you.

If I am really into someone, I don't want the games. I just want to relax and be with them, and feel loved.

and I can't feel loved if he is distancing himself from me.

The common wisdom is worng, I think. Everyone always says to play hard to get, but I have lost so many relationships by doing that.

7up · « **Reply #3 on:** February 25, 2010, 02:47:43 AM »

When someone 'needs' you, that's being attached with fear. They're taking the responsibility off themselves and placing it on you, which of course isn't healthy.

Yeah it's AWESOME when someone says they need you in that kind of way but very shortly after the novelty wears off and you start to feel intoxicated by their smothering. Need is not a healthy state of mind to be at. No one else is responsible for your happiness but yourself.