trying to stay positive, but heart broken

[magentaskye]

Hi there, I'm new to the forums, but I have been following these steps for months now... and I need some advice or words of encouragement.

This is my story.

About a year ago, I met this guy through a mutual friend over xbox live. There was an instant connection, but in the friend sense. We had a lot in common and enjoyed each others company. He was married, like most of my/our friends were and we just talked and laughed and became the best of buds.

Back in March he began to tell me about the problems that he was having in his marriage and he left his wife. Shortly after that he pursued me. We exchanged pictures and we were both surprisingly extremely attracted to one another.

Having the friendship base helped, because we already knew each other. We made plans to meet... it was love at first site. We were inseparable. He started making plans with me for our future. We both felt like and said we were soul mates. It was a fairytail of perfection.

All along, he is still dealing with his "wife" and their 2 children. I was supportive and respectful in all aspects of that life...

Then about 3 weeks ago, he had an outting with them and his kids were so happy being with him there that it made him think about going back. That caused him to have an emotional break down. It ended with him telling his wife that he is in love with me and just couldn't go back.

Fast forward to this week... He went to visit his kids on Tuesday and his one daughter broke down begging him to stay... she was taking it personal, like it was her fault. Well that just broke his heart, understandably. His other daughter who is 3 is taking it in a different direction and won't have anything to do with him.

So he told me last night that he needs time completely alone to figure out what he has to do. He almost packed up his things and moved back for them, but couldn't because of me. So he is deciding to either go back to a loveless marriage for the kids sake or get into a routine so that the kids can adjust.

I feel lost right now. I have talked to some friends about this and the views and advice are all over the place. The friends our age are all telling me to say "f" him, while the older friends that have gone through this before are saying that I just need to give him his space so he can deal.... which is what I am doing.

So this brings me to the laws of attraction part of the discussion.

Everything in my being says that we are meant to be together and he agrees. I am trying to be positive and keep the focus on our future, but I'm struggling. This time apart could make or break us and part of the pit of my stomach says I might just lost him, but then when I close my eyes, my mind and heart are saying that we'll get through this, because I DO see us together and I see the love we have

I'm a mess and just don't know what to do.

I just wish that he realized that it was never a competition between me and his girls.... he can have all of us.

anyway, this was kind of therapeutic just writing it out... but would love some advice from some seasoned veterans out there.

thank you in advance

[Tinseltown]

Hi there,

         Speaking as someone who's been in a virtually identical situation, the trick, if 'trick' is the right word, is to follow the advice of your friends, all of whom are saying the same thing, for 'fxxx him' and 'give him space,' amount to the same thing.

Married men often use the kids thing; it's you or them and I can't break their little hearts. And you're right in saying that it DOESN'T have to be that either/or scenario, but the reason they say that is part fear, part guilt - either way, either the children adjust to staying over at Daddy's twice a week and meeting Daddy's new friend, or your heart gets broken. So, do as everyone suggests - be cool, apply little or no pressure, and remember that the fact he had marital troubles BEFORE you came on the scene means that the biggest leverage you have - and this may sound callous - is that the marriage was already in difficulty. So don't feel bad about yourself for falling for him or him doing similarly for you.

In terms of LOA; ask, believe, receive? Believe you can have him, feel it viscerally and feel HAPPY when doing so. And then let it go. Let the anxiety go and the doubt go and the NEED to be with him to be happy. Any emotion approaching desperate or doubtful screws this stuff up. When you can't feel positive and thrilled, then aim to feel okay. Or a little bit better than you were half an hour ago. Steady, gentle increments up the scale.

Be patient. Believe you have what you want NOW. Then let it go.

Hope this helps somewhat

Tins

[Mariposa, (KnJ)]

I concur!

I too am in a similar situation....well sort of!!

My situation took an odd turn when after being with him for over a year, him professing his love for me and wanting to marry me, he then came to me and told me he didn't think he could ever leave.

I backed off completely, NC, gave him space to miss me and put him back into the situation he was before (miserable marriage) so he would come to the right decision.  I knew all along he would do the RIGHT thing and about 5 weeks later, he asked for a divorce.
 
Since we all know each other and went to school together some 30 years ago, we had already decided that in the event he left his wife, we would put "US" on hold until the divorce was final so no one would know he had actually left for me.

Fast forward about a month after he left, I sent a letter to him at Christmas time letting him know that I was proud of him, and loved him and would be here for him when the divorce was final.  Didn't hear back from him, didn't worry too much about that.  A month later, I found out he was seeing someone else and had outed her to his kids, his wife and everyone else as being the "other woman." 

Now, this all sounds bad but here's the catch, I believe he did all this as a diversion.  He made it clear to me that it "WAS NOT SERIOUS, AND HE DID NOT SEE A FUTURE WITH HER."  So I knew then he was using her.  Not nice for her but he was alone and I couldn't be there for him and he needed someone (he has a fear of being alone) so he figured he could hook up with her for a bit just until the divorce was final and then when he didn't need her anymore he could move on.  Oh and during that phone conversation, he also said 3 times that he loved me.  I had no doubts this was not personal against me or because he didn't love me.

In the meantime, I had been holding on to a bunch of his stuff for about 3.5 months and he still had a key to my house.  He wanted me to keep holding on to his stuff so he would know I would be here when he was ready.  This put me in an awkward position because if I waited for him, knowing what I knew, then it would look like I was ok with it.  I wasn't!  I elected to keep my self-respect and give him his things back regardless of whether he wanted to or not.  So I did!

My inner voice kept telling me what to do and it told me not to worry, everything would be fine and we would be together.  So I followed that instruction.  You must have faith in yourself and the universe/God.

Now, we is still with her, he is pissed at me (because he thinks I abandoned him) and he says he never wants to speak to me again. 

But he is so miserable with her and he can hardly stand it! 

I know he loves me and he always has and that is a huge part of why he feels so hurt that I gave him his stuff back.  I sent him a letter to explain why I did what I did and let him know that I do care for him.

So now we wait.......

He will have a blow up with the gal, they will break up and he now knows he has other options.  I am here and he will call me and apologize and we will put all this stuff in the past.

I am so blessed to have this work out this way in so many ways!!  I may have had to endure some misery along the way but it is worth every miserable moment, for a life time of happiness with my SOUL MATE!  I am so grateful for everything, even the other gal......she is the one person who will make him realize I am the ONE AND ONLY person he ever wants!! 

We belong together, I have seen our future and it is AMAZING!!  We are so happy!! 

Everything happens for a reason and what you are going through is happening to help make you stronger and you MUST have faith in your feelings and his feelings for you.

He loves you, you love him and you WILL BE TOGETHER!!!   

[magentaskye]

thanks for the responses...

I am trying to do all of the above... and trying to keep my "eye on the prize"...

sigh.... (i've never sighed so much in my life)

[Mariposa, (KnJ)]

Just remember who the prize really is!

You are really the PRIZE!!    ♥♥♥♥♥

YOU ARE THE PRIZE!!!!

[magentaskye]

 

Thanks I know that I'm the prize too...

I just wish that this powerless feeling would go away... that's how I feel and I know that I need to take control of my life and not let someone else decide my fate... but it feels as though that is what is happening.

The fact that I have to give him space makes me feel helpless too.... I feel like I need to fight for him and state my case... even though I know he knows how I feel....

the heart is such a stupid organ....

sigh

[Mariposa, (KnJ)]

Sorry, you feel that way, like you have to state your case and fight for him.

I never felt that way, I always knew how my guy felt about me and trying to convince him to do things differently would have just made me look a bit pathetic. 

So I was heartbroken but underneath it all I never wavered in my faith of his feelings for me.  Even now, I don't doubt that he is in love with me and he will ultimately choose me as soon as he is free again.

Just trust your feelings, and his. 

You'll be ok, promise!! 

[loveofabundance]

@Skye, it seems to me that you have a very positive, centered perspective on the situation!  Just continue to be patient and enjoy your life!

[magentaskye]

Thank you all...

Even though I seem to be a roller coaster of emotions... I seem to be able to keep the positivity, which is helping me heaps.

<3