Struggling, Alone, Depressed

[Tinseltown]

Hello,

         Sorry to conform to type; you know, my usual good news followed by a funk of black despair. I'll be honest; I DO have depression and maybe events in my world are conspiring on top of (the lack of) everything else. Dunno. But....

- 2 friends have cancer
- I have to reapply for my own job
- I'm struggling financially
- women in work won't even acknowledge me as I walk into the office, yet I am repeatedly told that it's my fault and I need to make the effort
- 'my guy' appears to be in no hurry whatsoever to get back with me, or to let me know that he wants to
- various friendships are teetering on brittle brinks because they think I should get a life and get over this guy
- my house is over-run by the far-too-much stuff I have
- I have very little time to keep on top of things and so live in permanent stress

....on and on and on it goes. I've just emptied my car of all the crap I've been carrying around in it, from shoes to chocolate bar wrappers. Threw it all out onto the drive and then burst into tears. My neighbours must think I'm crazy, in between them taking in all the parcels of clothes that I buy to fill the yawning chasm in my self-esteem.

My guy. Right. I started to, on Saturday, look on those 'real life' forums; you know the ones, the ones where they advise you re relationships, but without a sprinkling of LOA. Instead, they're like, 'get over him! He'll be sleeping with someone else by now!' Embittered of Wisconsin, or, 'he's only after you for sex, honey,' from He Who Should Know, Utah. And there's the semi-hysterical posts from women saying, 'THIS is what it looks like when he wants you back! He says, 'Honey, I want you back!' See, mine hasn't. Mine is upping the ante slowly; the pet-names, the cute quips about my body 'being a study,' in reference to my life-modelling, the suggestion that we meet. But there's no urgency. There's no banging down my door. And it appears that when a guy wants you (back), they're not slow in coming forward because they're worried you're going to fall into the evil clutches of a different boy, n'est-ce-pas? Well, if that's true, my guy is moving at the speed of a contemplative wander through treacle. It doesn't make me feel good. It makes me feel as though he's reasserting our connection to make him feel better so that he can sleep well next to his new beau.

Job interview tomorrow. Another one the day after. I stammer. I'm stressed. EVERYTHING seems to be at a massive crossroads in which I have little say. I walk into the office at 7.30am, log on, and by 8am, none of the women I work with have acknowledged me. I struggled through a massive ugly duckling phase and now, I'm 6'1, blonde hair, big green eyes, not bad in the whole scheme of things. Nothing to worry Christy Turlington, but you know, I get looked at, I get chatted up, I get flirted with. And it's nice and I like it so I talk to the blokes while the women studiously carry on ignoring me. But I can't flag it as a problem because I've had it before to the point where I was bullied out of my office. I remember sitting there this morning, trying not to cry. I'm 32. This is awful.

I tried to take myself back through the LOA basics last night; logged onto mindyourreality.com and read the articles. They made good sense, structured, believable. But then my mind is like some feckin' undisciplined puppy, running around, barking at nothing.

He's not in any rush. If he was, if he gave more than the nominal cyber-shit that the odd e-mail implies, wouldn't he be SAYING it? DOING it?

Sorry to be such a bore and a drag and a nag. I know the advice I'm going to get and I know it'll make me feel better, but I NEED to see it and read it and hear it to believe it, same as I need to see and read and hear those words from my ex.

Thanks - and a hearty slap on the back if you've got as far as >here<

Tins

[ToMeAndOnlyMe]

You're in communication with him, that's always a good thing. The conversations themselves seem pretty positive as well, another good thing. Detachment : big thing, we all have to do it. Timing is everything, trust that the Universe will give at the right time.

House is overrun? GARAGE SALE! The extra cash will help . Did you buy those extra clothes recently? Do they have tags and do you have the receipt? Return them!

Your interview? It'll go fine, you know your job the best and you know your accomplishments.

Your friends will stay your friends if they genuinely love you. Your friendships are not based on the guy that you like, there are other aspects to your friendships that made them your friend. There are other things to talk about when you guys hang out. Furthermore, I think most people realize how love can be, they probably do understand how you feel and want the best for you. 

Women at work? Their problem, if they can't get over themselves to really know you, they don't deserve to.

Friends with cancer? Be there for them even through the hardest times, you may feel down now but you have so much love to give.

Most of all, realize that you are you. The Universe created you as the only you. We all fall down, but we all get back up to continue living our lives. Take it day by day, don't give up on yourself, and you'll go back to being the best.

[ava]

Dear Sarah,i know that we can't say anything new.cause you know all the stuffs you should know.i truly,deeply can understand and feel your situation.cause i am a stutterer too.i hate job interviews.i know how it feels.you know,my current job(as a psychologist and psychotherapist)needs talking!although,my stuttering is not obvious,but i know how you feel.you know,your pms helped me lot...i try EFT,each night to decrease it and it really helped me....about your guy,be grateful for having communication with him.you know if i could receive a text,just 1 text,or email from him,i would be grateful...you are always in my prayers dear

[2thetop]

ill give you a hearty slap on the back  .  Tins youll be just fine at the interview.  ToMe said pretty much everything.  Don't worry about those other women.  If you have tried to chat it up with them and they continue to give you the cold shoulder well thats their fault.  If theyre jealous then they have some stuff to work on. 
Ill keep you in my thoughts for your interview.  You will be fine.  Picture yourself going through the interview and answering questions.  It will help to get your mind in the prepared mode.  Just something that helps me any ways
Much love and kick butt at the interview!

[Ginny]

I can't add anything useful to what the others have said, but just wanted to add to the voices to let you know that people care about you here.


{{hugs}}

[ava]

www.youtube.com/watch?v=OoM57Z8dRUY&feature=related

[ava]

Dear Sarah,the above video can help you to relax your mind.that could help me lot.every night before sleep,listen to it

[kjkitt]

Wow! Quite a bit going on with you there!

Sounds like your in a funk.  So be grateful! Gratitude changes the attitude! This time will pass. Be grateful for your job and it will continue to be yours. I didn't read where when you came into the office you greeted "Good Morning" to everyone?? Remember the scene from "The Secret".

I am very happy you are in communication with your man. That's good, don't rush as everything has its own timing.  It has to be all lined up, plus maybe there is a lesson in there for you to learn?

Your two friends with cancer. I am humbly sorry and wish them well! As their friend, you can be there to love and support them.  Keep saying, "thank you for their health"! 

I pray a lot!  Jesus says to give your burdens to him and he will carry them.  It's not always easy, but it's a comfort.

I hope you feel better very quickly.  Feel the love and energy from this cyber world!

Smiles to you!

[Sailorsalem]

Sometimes we all fall down but we can always take a deep breath and get back up again!! As Ava said your talking to him, thats great thats one step closer to your goal!

Cancer is a pesky thing. Im sorry to hear about that. Sending your love will go a long way.

For your job situation I know how you feel. Just visualize yourself doing well and let the Universe take care of the rest.

[tereza]

I'm sorry things are so rough right now and I hope you start to feel better soon. I'll be praying for you and your friends.

Also, I know what you mean about the pretty girl thing. I used to be a really awkward looking kid. (growing up I had no clue that my hair was curly because my parents had straight hair and so I thought I just had really damaged frizzy hair that needed more brushing...bad bad idea).  When I grew out of that, I noticed it was a little harder making female friends. I'm sure it's something I'm attracting, but eh, for now hanging out with gay guys is fun enough.

Good luck on your job interview. I'm sure you'll do great.

[Tinseltown]

Right, in chronological order....

You're in communication with him, that's always a good thing. The conversations themselves seem pretty positive as well, another good thing. Detachment : big thing, we all have to do it. Timing is everything, trust that the Universe will give at the right time.

I just feel that the communication isn't leading anywhere, and that if he wanted more, if he wanted to get back, he'd be saying and doing more. I know that this may sound ungrateful; I know there are people on this forum who would kill for what I have, but I want more and my energies are all over the place - I'm not feeling grateful, I'm instead feeling unsettled and as though I'm waiting on HIM to deliver the goods. Detached? I thought I was, but it turns out that when he mails me using my pet-name and I run around, delighted, because he is, I'm not actually detached - I'm still dancing to his tune. What if he mails me and uses my proper name? What am I going to do then? Why can't I pull that locus of happiness AWAY from him?

Did you buy those clothes recently?

Some of them - there's a lot in my house that needs cutting back on, and sometimes it's cathartic and nice and other times it drives me insane. I suppose that were my living environment consistently comfortable, I might find it more relaxing, too....

...you are always in my prayers dear

Thank you, sweetie. I've got a PDF to send you; could you send me your e-mail address in a PM so I can send this book to you? It's a free download for stammering - sure to help!

Ill keep you in my thoughts for your interview.  You will be fine.  Picture yourself going through the interview and answering questions.  It will help to get your mind in the prepared mode.  Just something that helps me any ways
Much love and kick butt at the interview!

It's odd; I may stammer but interviews don't faze me in the way that people might think. I don't get nervous easily and I know that I stammer so if someone's going to sit there and look a little uncomfortable, that's their look-out. Nothing to do with me. But I just feel so bloody tired. And it's the upheaval with work AND personal life that's getting to me, not knowing where I stand and trying to carve out that position myself. Thank you for your thoughts 

.about your guy,be grateful for having communication with him.you know if i could receive a text,just 1 text,or email from him,i would be grateful..

I know, and I hate the fact that I feel this way about what I do get. I just suppose that it felt like it was moving somewhere, then he went on holiday, now he's back and....nothing. He might mail tonight, or tomorrow; he wants to hook up for a drink, but without knowing what his intention is, it's very hard, or maybe it's just me shutting down and trying to protect myself from (false) hope at the moment. I need to probably secure my job in all honesty - certainty with something less emotional would help, I think.  You're constantly supportive and loving towards others on this forum, Ava, and I sincerely believe that you are getting what you desire. Much love

I can't add anything useful to what the others have said, but just wanted to add to the voices to let you know that people care about you here.


{{hugs}}

Making me cry like that, Ginny! Honestly!  (Thank you - and hugs back)

Dear Sarah,the above video can help you to relax your mind.that could help me lot.every night before sleep,listen to it

Thank you! I do a mindfulness meditation, or I 'normally' do but haven't for ages - does me good. Thank you for the link and reminder

I didn't read where when you came into the office you greeted "Good Morning" to everyone??

Oh, I do. I make a point of it. And not a sarcastic, over-bearing point, but just a, 'walk in, bag on shoulder, sign in, breeze, "morning."' And if I didn't do that, then they wouldn't speak to me at all. I was walking along the corridor today, saw one of them, smiled and said, 'Hello,' and got nothing back. It's just tiring to work with that. I do it a lot and I do it well, on the whole, but sometimes, I just wonder why fully grown adults can be such kids. The fact I was bullied at school makes me maybe more prone to picking up on atmospheres and taking them to heart, but I DO try.

I am very happy you are in communication with your man. That's good, don't rush as everything has its own timing.  It has to be all lined up, plus maybe there is a lesson in there for you to learn?

I'm just losing the faith when it comes to this guy, even though he's suggested meeting up, and uses my pet-name, wants to sort my physio out and flirted over my body. I just think, 'why isn't he in a hurry to get me back?' And that concerns me on a practical level. It's even reached the point where the lady in the Post Office, as she posted my letters today said, 'Hmm, if he was in a rush, he'd be back by now,' and I nodded and felt glum but thought, 'yes.' I know why I'm doing this - it's because nothing in my life feels flippant or graceful or easy or fun right now. It alternates between boring, lonely and frightening. A shit trilogy. So I tend to shut off from things which pose a risk, and I can't seem to detach from this guy - his e-mails have the power to make or break my day and I hate that. I hope he IS on his way to me but sometimes I just find it easier, safer even, to lose the faith than keep on plugging away. Does this make sense?

Feel the love and energy from this cyber world!

I do, thank you. It is appreciated. Just wish I could act on it a bit more sometimes! 

Cancer is a pesky thing. Im sorry to hear about that. Sending your love will go a long way.
)

It helps that one of the guys is really into energy, and is, for example, making a box filled with the nice messages he gets on Facebook, things like that, as a box filled with positivity. We even played some Tibetan singing bowls when I saw him over the weekend and I don't think I've ever heard such a soothing sound.

I'll be praying for you and your friends.

Thank you, honey 

for now hanging out with gay guys is fun enough.

Ha ha! I've got a few of those and they are great, aren't they?! I think it's hard when you've been in that ugly duckling phase to always understand its opposite and I certainly don't play to the gallery, but it's a very hard problem to address 'cause no-one will admit to it. Hopefully, things will start being a bit easier soon, or I can maybe grab this job and go elsewhere!

I find it hard to be grateful when I'm impatient, but I still think I'm waiting on this guy, and that's very redolent of the actual relationship with him, when I was very much on the back foot, a place that I didn't enjoy. I want him to move more quickly, be more decisive, to say, 'I want you back,' and I don't know how to get that or feel that from the place that I'm in

Cheers and love to all

Tins

[Tinseltown]

<a tentative bump>

I've been reading some threads tonight, and one of the things that stands out is that people quit talking about and measuring their progress e-mail by e-mail from their guy or their gal or whatever. And that makes things flow. And it's what I'm not doing. Before, when he was flirting and suggesting meeting up, I was happy but not necessarily taking out my emotional ruler and going, 'ooh, yes, just about making the grade.' Maybe things would happen faster if I just LET them happen faster? Whaddya folks reckon?

Full of bloody memories at the moment, which don't help because they do feel bittersweet but am trying to be practical with looking after myself; taking anti-depressants, eating semi regularly and cancelling a few social dates in order to climb into bed, sleepy but early.

Cheers - I'm trying valiantly hard not to be a whiny sod; please bear with me!

Tins

[Mel90]

you helped me realize that I too am doing the same thing.
and now that there doesnt seem to be any contact, Im not liking it at all. I keep thinking "what can this mean?","does this mean we will never get back together"

complete non sense and crazy.

so as silly as this may sound, thank you for helping me realize this.

I really hope things get better for you

[ToMeAndOnlyMe]

I hope I'm going to make sense here cause I'm fairly drained at the moment.

Working on yourself spiritually, mentally, and physically for yourself presents a better chance that once you guys are back together, you'll be at your very best. Granted that we all want our loves to come back, to start anew (me here too), we can continue to work on ourselves so these new beginnings will blossom into relationship longevity.

Patience Let go Holding on and measuring only makes things appear to go slower.

[irishgirl69]

I've been reading some threads tonight, and one of the things that stands out is that people quit talking about and measuring their progress e-mail by e-mail from their guy or their gal or whatever. And that makes things flow. And it's what I'm not doing. Before, when he was flirting and suggesting meeting up, I was happy but not necessarily taking out my emotional ruler and going, 'ooh, yes, just about making the grade.' Maybe things would happen faster if I just LET them happen faster? Whaddya folks reckon?

Bingo and just what I needed to hear as well.  It's hard not to talk about the one we want and the positive signs we do get, but I do think that, for me, things happen better and faster when I get out of my own way.  When I was stressing a little bit about seeing Jason at my party a couple of weeks ago and worried that I would have too many expectations to just enjoy myself and interact normally, she reminded me that it was having no expectations and being myself with him that attracted him to me in the first place.  Maybe try to remember the beginning of your relationship when (hopefully) it was just fun and you weren't analyzing every little interaction - you were just letting the relationship flow.  I know it's hard - I have to do the same.  But I do believe that's key.