Steps on getting your ex-back

[schenderson22]

I have responded to many posts with the exercise below and it has proven successful for many members in this forum.  Feel free to try it!

There a few things you may want to consider before moving forward with this desire to have him/her back in your life.  First, the Universe will not give you LESS than what you want.  So ask yourself, does this person have EVERY quality I seek in a mate?  I can only speak for myself (age 37, F), however, as we get older and get "closer" to finding our perfect mate we get a bit eager and have a tendency to "settle" for less than what we want.  We are tired searching, waiting, anticipating, etc.

Also, we may think we are ready for our perfect mate, when in fact we aren't.  The second question I present to you is are you TRULY ready to trust, love, devote, and commit to your perfect mate?

If the answer to the above questions is "yes" then I present the following exercise:  First you have to let go of any negative feelings (fears of loss, devastation, regret, disappointed, heartache, etc)  I recommend EFT for that www.thetappingsolution.com You can also look up techniques on Youtube. However, I found the DVD to be incredibly useful. 

Then you should make a "Gratitude List"  Start with the things you are truly grateful for at this time. Write them down.  "I am grateful for the support of my friends and family.""I am grateful for my good health" and so on.  As you get to the end of your list add to it the things you want as though they already exist.  "I am grateful for {insert his/her name}'s love"" I am grateful for my healthy relationship with {insert his/her name}" and so on.  Read this list aloud EVERY morning and EVERY night.  Feel the happiness it brings and the passion for all the good things in life.  If something "bad" happens during your day, feel the feelings, work through them (EFT) and insert a happy thought.

There are many good (free books) online to help you learn the steps of LOA.  The above technique works. 

Let me know how it goes!

[Inge]

Thanks, Schenderson22!

I saw your postings tonight... inside myself I smiled a bit and thought: well... what an effort she puts in her postings! Maybe she should just make one topic with all the good advice in it!
And see.... here it is!! 

Thanks again!
Inge

[schenderson22]

My pleasure!  Funny how LOA works!!   

[pachacuti]

I have been reflecting on your advice, Sheri.  It has had me walking around trying shake this crap off so I can get back to work.

Is my wife my ideal mate (leaving aside the fact at present that she is now carrying my child which complicates things a bit, but let me work with a more simplified model)? I would have to say the the current version of her is definitely not my ideal mate. She is cold and distant to me. You can definitely notice the lack of respect she has for me and the fact that she can barely stand to even speak to me. It must irk her to no end to think that she needs to rely on me right now for help and that she has to put up with me now because we have a child together.  That version of her is not my ideal mate. The prior version was indeed my ideal mate: affectionate, interested in me, independent, go-getter, industrious, intelligent, dedicated, intuitively able to deal with all kinds of situations and fun to be around.  I definitely am head over heels in love with that version of her.

Since I feel that she is a sincere person, I don't feel that the first version was a facade or a delusion. I can only trust that the new version is not the permanent one.  What brought this new version to light? There were a number of factors. Let's see if I can list most of them:

1. My insecurities and constantly asking her for reassurance of love.
2. My lack of emotional control.
3. Her leaving her job.
4. Her coming to a new country.
5. Her subjecting her son to a new life and new country.
6. Her separating her son's father from his life where he had been very involved before.
7. Her leaving all her friends and family behind.
8. Her struggling to understand an alien culture.
9. Finding her independent nature now dependent on me.
10. Feeling trapped and controlled by me given the above factors.
11. Getting pregnant.
12. Feeling emotional pressure from the son's father who has been feeling the separation from his son greatly.
13. Seeing all windows of opportunity closing for independence (either back home or here).
14. Having to deal with me turning into an emotional basket case when she told me she loved me and would never love me.
15. Now feeling somehow abandoned by me because she left back to her country, even though I am providing financial support and what other support (emotional, spiritual, etc) as I am able given the circumstances.
16. And to add insult to injury, her pre-pregnancy pap smear and follow up colposcopy showed signes of HPV and minor changes on the cervix wall (although everything is okay, she is naturally freaked about this, but blames me for causing it... even though the medical staff assured her that it was so common and slow in manifesting that it would be impossible to determine that).

That's is one heck of lot of emotional crap for one person to have to deal with.  I do have the hope that she A. does not want a divorce, B. does not want us talking about the marriage as if it were "over" and C. on occasion speaks of a future that includes me as her husband.

But I am the husband of the first version of my wife. I will not settle for anything more than baby-daddy of the second version.

So, that's the version I try to visualize is the first one, the one I first met. If she weren't pregnant with my child and in need of my assistance still, I would institute a no contact rule, because the way she talks to me is extremely painful.  I try to imagine the second version shrouding the first and distorting everything that comes out.

My priorities:

1. Me. I am actively addressing my insecurity, delving into meditation, delving into LOA, making plans for my future with or without my wife.
2. I am working on visualizing the first version of my wife loving me. That's is what I think about when I say "I am so grateful that my wife has found her way back to loving me, now that I am more secure and controlled.
3. I am working on visualizing my wonderful independent life of abundance in her country.
4. I am maintaining contact as I want to be as involved in my child's development, birth and life as the universe will allow.
5. I need to work on detaching from the way this second version continues to treat me, in spite of this support I continue to give unconditionally.  That one is hard.

So, I will try to employ Sheri's advice and recognize and let go of my negative feelings (varying degrees of success as I am sure you are aware), and I will be making and updating the gratitude list today.

I look forward to any comments any of you have on the above.  Especially if you can point out my obvious blocks and limitations. I don't feel that I am necessarily aware of them all the time.

Mark

[LeyLine]

mlybrand, i couldnt dsay it better myself!!! that A and B version you mentioned is exactly what happens with me too!! thank u for helping me putting it in words!!

[loveofabundance]

mlybrand, you are doing so well!  Keep up this line of thinking.  you are being respectful to yourself, your wife and stepson and baby.  Only good things can come out of being kind and sincere.  Good luck!

[pachacuti]

Wow! Thanks guys!  This is proof that positive thoughts are more powerful than negative.  Or that my getting the negative out there was simply a necessary acknowledgment of reality before I can work on letting it go. I was expecting to be shown where I was blocking and limiting (hence the plea at the end), yet I get confirmation to keep doing what I am doing.

I am sure I don't have to tell you guys how hard it is sometimes to believe when the doubt and negativity creep in.  But the techniques I am learning here are doing wonders for bringing me back on track in shorter time.  A couple of weeks ago, I would go days grinding on negativity, whereas now I can usually get it back in line in less than an hour. If LOA does nothing else, it is at least helping me to be more comfortable with myself.  That is priceless in itself.

[LeyLine]

Lol mlybrand, i would have wished you good luck, but im so positive that you will succeed, that you wont even need it!!! that remark of you about versions blew me away!!! sometimes i think that my boyfriend is a victim of the Body Snatchers  

[pachacuti]

In my case, I think I also need to start truly asking, believing and accepting nicer conversations from my spouse.  That would help me.  I am going to work on that small thing for now.  Small wins would get me more confidence. Worth a shot, and should help keep me happy and focused and prevent me from falling into traps and responding to triggers when we speak/text.

[loveofabundance]

hey you guys, do you read abraham-hicks?  google them and look them up on youtube.  they are awesome and one of the things they say is that we become aware of our own magnificence and power to manifest, we naturally see that same awesome ability and quality in others.  Alas, just because we see it, it doesn't mean that they do.  however, we arent doing them a favor by agreeing to see them in the same miserable light in which they may, at that moment, be seeing themselves.  so, we must continue to hold a vision of them in their highest self and that may be all that is necessary to bring about the positive changes.

[pachacuti]

Got loads of Abraham Hicks stuff coming from the library.

But I have to now go reflect and reorient myself. My wife just told me that her sister just lost her baby and is pretty critical in a hospital in rural South America (not even an anesthesiologist). So, my problems just seem so, so tiny and petty right now. I am still kind of numb about this all and need to do some deep reflection.  I wish I could be there with them instead of here thousands of miles away alone in my apartment.

[lucyboyle03]

Show that you’re a respectful, loving, responsible and caring boyfriend and overtime, you could get your ex girlfriend back. Healing a torn heart or saving your relationship isn’t impossible but you should have the great strategies and get the appropriate advice from the appropriate people.

[bravelioness]

@mlybrand-I'm in a similar situation as you are.I mean Andrew has changed ever since he started working.From a sweet,loving,tenderhearted,forgiving,& righteous guy, he turned into an apathetic monster.He's no longer the angel I used to know.He's so indifferent now.(mind to read my post I don't know what to think anymore?)

@schenderson22-Since mlybrand's partner & my Andrew have changed, would the universe think we're settling down for less with us wanting them back & all?I mean,they used to have EVERY quality we look for in a partner.Would the now make a difference?Do you think our situation could be remedied knowing that our partners have changed?

[pachacuti]

@bravelioness.  I read through your posts before and your desperation really struck a chord with me. Everyone is trying to point you to the way, and you are resisting the way.  I find myself drifting in and out of resistance; some days I think I am gaining mastery, others I don't. In any event, both you and I have to let go. This should be easier for you as Andrew is not pregnant with your child. You, like me, need to get a clear vision of what you want. Make that your sincere wish. Then you need to believe that you have that already.  Next you need to be patient and focus on your own happiness. Every day reaffirm you sincerest desire, visualize and re-establish your belief that your desire has come through, and then focus again on controlling your negative emotions: your desperation, your lack of faith that the universe (God) will provide, your extreme attachment to Andrew (and your feelings that your happiness depends on him). Do whatever you can to acknowledge the negativity and let it go.  You may have to try different strategies to do this, but as someone suggested. Just breathing deeply and focusing your mind on release are a good start. When you have your negativity in check (or as part of the process of getting it there), focus on being happy. If you don't know what being happy would be, meditate sincerely on that... and when Andrew crosses through your mind, acknowledge him, acknowledge your feelings (positive and negative) and then let it go and re-focus your mind on finding out what brings you joy. When you know what that is, pursue it.  Make your day all about you feeling yourself the happy, complete and successful person you are.  Before you go to bed at night, review any points in the day where you did the wrong thing and imagine doing the right thing instead (without judgment mind you) and observe how it makes you feel, then give thanks for everything, every blessing in your life right now, then do your re-affirmations of your desires also in the form of giving thanks for something that you also have, truly visualizing that you have them.  If any negativity creeps in, take a deep breath, acknowledge the negativity and let it go. Take a look at the trigger that caused your negativity and come to terms with it or change it slightly so that it is no longer a trigger.

Anyway, that is what I try to do, with varying degrees of success.  I hope it helps.  Keep posting, keep the faith and stay happy. We are going to be okay.  Everything is going to work out just fine

[purebliss]

Amazing topic, thank YOU   I'm trying to thank God openly for the things in my life and in others life daily.  I JUST did this and feel warm all over :-)