Author Topic: reality vs desire (Read 3491 times)

lise · « **Reply #15 on:** September 18, 2011, 10:02:13 PM »

Brave. I think you need to work on you. I'm trying to find a way of writing what I want to say that won't upset you or sound rude. From your posts you sound a lovely girl who is sweet and kind and has a lovely family and friends. However when it comes to the men in your life it sounds like when you like someone you like them a lot and quickly and there's nothing wrong with that but when they don't act in a way you like, you read too much into it and then behave in a way that I would best say looks a bit "needy". We all act a bit needy at times but it seems peoples responses to it , upsets you more. I feel you need to look at why when you like someone you start to feel insecure? Once you find that out, you will break this pattern and no longer be the one chasing but instead have them chasing you.

You have no reason to lie low as you put it. He does sound a bit rude to not respond but maybe he knows you want more and doesn't want to hurt you. Maybe theres a different reason. No contact is for you to work on you , not a tool to make someone miss you. That is sometimes the outcome but
shouldn't be the motivation.

You speak sometimes as though you'll be lucky to have these men but in fact theyll be the ones who will be lucky to have you. Once you realise this that anyone would be extremely lucky to have you and believe it - then it will happen that others will realise it too.

You've got a lot going for you, stand tall and let people see you deserve all the good things and people coming your way.

bravelioness · « **Reply #16 on:** September 19, 2011, 12:50:55 PM »

Quote from: lise on September 18, 2011, 10:02:13 PM

However when it comes to the men in your life it sounds like when you like someone you like them a lot and quickly and there's nothing wrong with that but when they don't act in a way you like, you read too much into it and then behave in a way that I would best say looks a bit "needy". We all act a bit needy at times but it seems peoples responses to it , upsets you more. I feel you need to look at why when you like someone you start to feel insecure? Once you find that out, you will break this pattern and no longer be the one chasing but instead have them chasing you.

I know I'm acting needy here.Well,I'm just getting insecure about him not responding to me but responding to his other friends.With him doing that,I feel less important than his other friends.I know my situation is easier than that of the others here.He's not my ex,no third party involved etc.I'd like to attract a romantic relationship with him but I won't rush it.I'd start with small steps & a loving communication between us would be the first step.But he's not even giving out a polite response that's why I'm getting discouraged.I'd wonder if this communication problem between us can still be fixed.If yes,then how?

Quote from: lise on September 18, 2011, 10:02:13 PM

You have no reason to lie low as you put it. He does sound a bit rude to not respond but maybe he knows you want more and doesn't want to hurt you. Maybe theres a different reason. No contact is for you to work on you , not a tool to make someone miss you. That is sometimes the outcome but
shouldn't be the motivation.

So should I tell him that I'm getting hurt by his actions & that it's very wrong to do that to anyone?

Quote from: lise on September 18, 2011, 10:02:13 PM

You speak sometimes as though you'll be lucky to have these men but in fact theyll be the ones who will be lucky to have you. Once you realise this that anyone would be extremely lucky to have you and believe it - then it will happen that others will realise it too.

You've got a lot going for you, stand tall and let people see you deserve all the good things and people coming your way.

These are the things I'm doing right now.I continue to work out in the gym every Monday,Wednesday,& Friday.Tuesdays & Thursdays are my swimming days.We both love swimming & I intend to become a better swimmer & compete like him.He doesn't swim with me anymore but I get to meet many friends as they are practicing too.It makes me feel better.

Thanks for replying.Any thoughts are welcomed.

bravelioness · « **Reply #17 on:** September 19, 2011, 08:04:53 PM »

And also,I always see him online on fb but I try not to get tempted to start contact even if it's hard b/c I have a lot of things to say.Holy!

tereza · « **Reply #18 on:** September 20, 2011, 09:01:58 PM »

Brave, what does letting go look like? What does it mean? How would you implement letting go?

bravelioness · « **Reply #19 on:** September 20, 2011, 09:18:00 PM »

As you all said,letting go means letting go of the negative feelings of wanting like doubts &fears.It's hard at first but it's supposed to make you feel good.In my case,I don't know how to let go but these are the things I do.I continue to work out in the gym every Monday,Wednesday,& Friday.Tuesdays & Thursdays are my swimming days.We both love swimming & I intend to become a better swimmer & compete like him.He doesn't swim with me anymore but I get to meet many friends as they are practicing too.It makes me feel better.I also refrain from initiating contact b/c I'm still attached to the outcome meaning I'd feel bad if he doesn't respond favorably.

If you could suggest more,feel free.Thanks for replying.

57angel · « **Reply #20 on:** September 21, 2011, 11:40:08 AM »

Quote from: bravelioness on September 20, 2011, 09:18:00 PM

As you all said,letting go means letting go of the negative feelings of wanting like doubts &fears.It's hard at first but it's supposed to make you feel good.In my case,I don't know how to let go but these are the things I do.I continue to work out in the gym every Monday,Wednesday,& Friday.Tuesdays & Thursdays are my swimming days.We both love swimming & I intend to become a better swimmer & compete like him.He doesn't swim with me anymore but I get to meet many friends as they are practicing too.It makes me feel better.I also refrain from initiating contact b/c I'm still attached to the outcome meaning I'd feel bad if he doesn't respond favorably.

Brave, I agree with Lise and Peter and everyone's replies here. You have one vote more for "letting go", letting go in its truest sense. For me letting go is when you are no longer affected by all of his actions and feelings, when you no longer have negative and limiting beliefs associated with relationships. Give him space and time to think, while you are making the best you can be. Do you also meditate Brave? I find the Personal Growth Accelerator (THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH Peter_93) very effective for me. Like you, I am still working out on my healing especially emotionally, started using this for more than a week today, but I am so sure that my "letting go" of negative feelings and beliefs, even dealing with those people who hurt me so deeply, really improves! It is more than worth for your time, I assure you, it will help you a lot towards your healing

bravelioness · « **Reply #21 on:** September 22, 2011, 09:45:11 PM »

Hi Grace.Well,I do try to meditate but it's very hard in my house as there is no privacy in here.People just barge in without knocking & they're also negative people.What's the personal growth accelerator btw?Anyway,the past few days,I haven't been online as I have to really let go.These are the things I do-I'd minimize my time online & refrain from looking at his fb page,continue working out at the gym every MWF & train for swimming every TTh.I chill w/friends after swimming & do some artwork.I'd draw pictures of us happy or make stories w/happy endings.Well,that's all for now.Thanks for replying.

Believing Love · « **Reply #22 on:** September 23, 2011, 09:01:20 AM »

Hi Grace,
could you give me the link for Peter_93 thread the one that you're talking about ?
i cant seems to find it

Thank you

Ginny · « **Reply #23 on:** September 23, 2011, 02:09:05 PM »

Quote from: bravelioness on September 22, 2011, 09:45:11 PM

These are the things I do-I'd minimize my time online & refrain from looking at his fb page,continue working out at the gym every MWF & train for swimming every TTh.I chill w/friends after swimming & do some artwork.

This is all great stuff.

Quote

I'd draw pictures of us happy

But this to me doesn't sound like letting go.

I'm sorry to sound like a broken record, but I think the most important thing is to realise that your happiness does not depend on anyone else, not on being with Andrew, or Wilson or Lawton or anyone. It is within you, and it is there for you to relish in.

It can be hard to find sometimes, but it is in there. Once you find it, you will stop worrying about why Lawton or whoever isn't answering your calls or texts. And paradoxically, they will start lining up to talk to you. The trick is, you can't look for happiness just so that you can get your man - there's an in-built contradiction there. You don't look for happiness so that you can get what you want - happiness is its own reward, cherish it and enjoy it just for what it is.

Of course, humans are social animals, and we do need others. But you don't need to fixate on this person or that person, as if they are the answer to everything. Find happiness and peace in yourself, and all good things will come to you. It is absolutely true.

I really want to ask you - why Lawton? Why do you want someone who is ignoring your calls and texts? No matter how busy someone is, they can find time to respond to a text in the course of a month. I'm not saying that Lawton is wrong or a bad person for ignoring you (there may be good reasons, there may not - but that's a different discussion). But he is not giving you anything good, so why do you want him? Why do you think he is so much more worthy of your energy than any number of wonderful young men? This is a serious question, I really want to know. Whatever reasons you can come up with, I can't think of any that would justify more than leaving yourself open to friendship should he come back to you, but looking for something better for yourself romantically-speaking.

There is nothing wrong with seeing the best in people, and loyalty is great too - but I just don't get why you are limiting yourself to men who don't return your affection. You are young, attractive, have a sweet disposition - you have so much going for you, and there are so many men who could make you happy - why go after the ones who ignore you?

Ginny · « **Reply #24 on:** September 23, 2011, 02:27:51 PM »

It's very useful for me to respond to you, because it gets me thinking about how I can apply things in my own life.

I think one of the reasons you might pursue these men who ignore you is that perhaps you think you have done something wrong, something that you could "fix". Our brains do seem to be designed to try to "fix" things.

When I've had this situation, I find direct confrontation to be best, just to put my mind at rest (ie, to ask him, "have I done something to offend you?"). This doesn't work for everyone though. And it would rely on Lawton being completely open with you - if he either doesn't respond or comes back with the same "I've been busy", when you know he has time for others, it won't be very satisfying, will it?

It's always dangerous reaching conclusions about other people's situations, and even more so when you only have third party information, but my best guess for his behaviour is that he doesn't want to meet up with you for whatever reason, and is hoping that time and distance will afford an easier break than simply being direct with you and saying, "I don't want this".

Sorry, that sounds negative and not very LOA. It's not to say that this situation can't change, it's just how it sounds right now, from what you've said. And I think, the fact that you keep pursuing men who respond to you this way - that's something you need to work on. I think it comes from a basic insecurity, which is what attracts this response from the men in the first place. (apologies for the pocket psychology - it comes from a place of wanting to help, not of trying to criticise. I think you deserve good things, and I want to help you to find them if I can. Even if I'm just one voice in thousands, I hope some good messages start coming to you).

bravelioness · « **Reply #25 on:** September 23, 2011, 08:50:55 PM »

I've been telling myself that happiness doesn't depend on one person.Well,what you're saying that maybe he's not interested is also chattering in my mind.Right now,I just say ok & continue w/my daily activities & chill with a friend if possible.

I can't think of any that would justify more than leaving yourself open to friendship should he come back to you, but looking for something better for yourself romantically-speaking.-I don't get this.Could you elaborate?

When I've had this situation, I find direct confrontation to be best, just to put my mind at rest (ie, to ask him, "have I done something to offend you?"). This doesn't work for everyone though. And it would rely on Lawton being completely open with you - if he either doesn't respond or comes back with the same "I've been busy", when you know he has time for others, it won't be very satisfying, will it?

-True.I find direct confrontation better than me to be left hanging in the air.Yeah.It won't be satisfying if he doesn't respond or make so many reasons.

but my best guess for his behaviour is that he doesn't want to meet up with you for whatever reason, and is hoping that time and distance will afford an easier break than simply being direct with you and saying, "I don't want this".

-I don't get what this means.

Anyway,thanks for replying.

Ginny · « **Reply #26 on:** September 23, 2011, 09:14:20 PM »

Quote from: bravelioness on September 23, 2011, 08:50:55 PM

I've been telling myself that happiness doesn't depend on one person.Well,what you're saying that maybe he's not interested is also chattering in my mind.Right now,I just say ok & continue w/my daily activities & chill with a friend if possible.

I think, based on what you have described, he is not interested. Even the shyest of men would respond to a text or phone call from a girl they liked. You could come up with all sorts of alternative explanations for his behaviour, but the most likely is that he is not interested - especially given that he wasn't too shy to respond to you in the past.

That isn't to say that he will never be interested, just that he doesn't seem to be now.

But, if you get that your happiness doesn't depend on one person, then it really shouldn't matter that he isn't interested. As you say, just continue with your daily activities and loving your life as it is. The more you love your life, the more good things come to you.

Quote

I can't think of any that would justify more than leaving yourself open to friendship should he come back to you, but looking for something better for yourself romantically-speaking.-

I don't get this.Could you elaborate?

Sorry, I wasn't very clear.

It just, seemed to me that you are hanging on, hoping that he will re-gain interest in you, respond to your texts and so on. And I don't see why. He's not treating you very nicely, why do you want him?

I can see leaving friendship open as an option - you know, if you are genuinely detached, then you wouldn't hold a grudge either, so if he came back and was sweet to you again, or needed someone to talk to, I can understand still being friends with him. But I don't understand why you want him as a romantic partner. He's been (from the sounds of it) pretty horrible to you. Now, there could be a really good explanation for this - but you've asked and extended your hand in friendship, and he hasn't responded, so you don't have anything more to go on. If there is a really good explanation, then he will come back and explain it to you one day, and you could be friends again. But until then, the only evidence you have is that he can't even be bothered to treat you decently enough to give you a polite response, so why do you want a romantic relationship?

Quote

but my best guess for his behaviour is that he doesn't want to meet up with you for whatever reason, and is hoping that time and distance will afford an easier break than simply being direct with you and saying, "I don't want this".

-I don't get what this means.

It means, it sounds like he is ignoring you because he doesn't want to get together, but doesn't have the guts to say so directly.

And, going back to my previous point - you could probably change this using LOA, but why do you want to, when there are so many wonderful men out there? Friends are good, but for a partner you want someone who understands all about you and loves you anyway, not someone that you have to chase down and worry whether you said something wrong the whole time.

Make any more sense?

bravelioness · « **Reply #27 on:** September 24, 2011, 10:20:21 AM »

Let me be clear on this.For now,I'd only want to attract communication-a decent & loving one.Then I'll see where this goes.I'm open to the possibilities than I can change my mind about attracting a romantic relationship w/him.As of now,he hasn't contacted me yet but it's ok w/me.I just said that I still continue to train for swimming,that I meet new friends & that the people from the sports complex are looking for him.I chill w/other friends & we have fun.I admit I miss him though.Swimming is fun even without him but I'd like to swim w/him again & go to the our University Wide Christmas Party w/him.

Ginny · « **Reply #28 on:** September 25, 2011, 01:46:37 PM »

Okay, but why are you investing so much energy in him in particular? How would you respond if it was a female friend treating you this way? I think you'd either have it out with her, ask her directly what's up, or you'd give up and decide it was her problem. But I don't think you'd be fretting over it in quite the same way.

RealCrimsonDynamo · « **Reply #29 on:** September 25, 2011, 06:12:33 PM »

Hi BL...
You had some good advice on here. My advice to you is to stop talking about him and your situation with your friends. All that yapping will do nothing but bring you down, make them talk about you and see you in a negative way, and make it harder for you to let go. To break that down in LOA principles.
1. Bring you down...you are talking about the negative and what he is not doing. You will get negativer and more of what he is not doing.
2. Make them talk about you and see you in a negative way. The same way LOA says we can see more of the good traits manifested in someone we love we can see bad traits. Your will start expecting this negativity and that is what they will get from you.
3.Harder to let go. What you resists persists. If you continue talking about him not interacting with you or being with you..you're giving all that energy to that and not working on yourself and being happy.