Author Topic: He says he doesn't love me anymore (Read 19123 times)

tereza · « **Reply #165 on:** July 10, 2011, 04:57:58 AM »

Odessa, have you noticed that he keeps saying these things when he gets close to you? I think he does this because he may be afraid or confused about his feelings towards you. So when he gets close, he then stops things because he's not sure he wants to commit to you. It seems his heart is warming towards you, but his mind still needs some time to get the news.

Keep doing what you've been doing and don't worry about him.

Katie · « **Reply #166 on:** July 10, 2011, 02:53:03 PM »

No Tereza, his heart is not warming at all

nor is he confused, he is absolutely sure he has no feelings for me at all

lise · « **Reply #167 on:** July 10, 2011, 03:49:03 PM »

Odessa neither you nor anyone else can truly know what he is thinking or feeling based on what he says. At the moment you're acting in a way that denies your current reality in an attempt to change your current reality. If he was asked, he may believe based on what you've said and the way you're acting that you are moving towards not wanting him when in actual fact you want a new relationship with him. My point being is that what he says isn't necessarily a true reflection of what he feels - although it could be but you don't know for certain.

It's incredibly difficult for you I understand that as you're in a difficult position but you do need to focus on you - and not on him/ what he says/ does/ wants etc and analysing what he means by it alll.. A lot easier said than done, I release.

As for the sex issue - it's up to you and I can see what both sides of people have said. I think it depends on your feelings and motivation. If you want to continue to sleep with him because it makes you feel good, gives you some intimacy and you feel happy about it then that's one thing. If you are doing it because you're hoping that he doesn't really mean what he says and that it may change his feelings for you, stop him from doing it with someone else then I think that's another issue.

I think you have to reclaim yourself - in whatever way that is and if it includes or excludes sleeping with him that's up to you.

I think you need some space - mentally and physically away from him and out of your house - even just an afternoon - alone to address yourself in whatever way that works for you - whether it is meditating and letting the thoughts you have come to you - to ask yourself what it is and what you want. I do a thing sometimes where I've got my head so confused I'm not sure what I thik and believe and that's to write down questions and then right immediately the answer that comes into my head and then ask more questions - and answer them and dissect my answers without thought (ie without logic coming into it) I've found it useful in addressing issues with more clarity and identifies any limiting beliefs

e.g Does X love me? Yes, what makes you say that? Because I feel it and because he wouldn't have done x/ y/ z if he didn't. Well why doesn't he do Y then? Because he feels that he is unable to because of G. But that's crap because he doesn't know what might happen if he did. You think that but maybe he is scared? What of? Of .........

It does get everything down and I've found even if it doesn't resolve a situation - it does help me purge it from my system a bit - I might have similar issues arise or variations but it's not usually the same one exactly. I've found reading back over them when some time has passed that I could see that I had so much self doubt. At the time, I was thinking I was being positive etc but actually that outward affirming etc was masking my doubts and they needed addressing and overcoming.

It's all about me. It's all about you. They cannot and are not responsible for making us happy.

ava · « **Reply #168 on:** July 10, 2011, 04:38:45 PM »

Dear odessa I personally agree with lise and other members...I think you should focus on something else,for a while.you say I am detached and I don't pay any attention to his coldness any more,and I am giving him some space...that sounds good.I am so happy for you if you REALLY have reached that level,but I can see your ACTIONS don't show this.you should REALLY LET IT GO!I think in this situation it's better for you to not have sex(although that is your choice what is best for you),cause with having sex you don't give him REAL SPACE for both of you(specially him)to miss that wonderful relationship you had before.dear odessa you have 3months to show him NEW VERSION OF YOU.so please do your best to show him (day by day)that you are changing.notice your physical and mental attraction to make him understand that HE CAN HAVE NEW ODESSA,but when he is ready to be in a relationship with you again,not when you are friends(with benefits)......

2thetop · « **Reply #169 on:** July 10, 2011, 09:31:36 PM »

hey odessa,
I briefly scanned over some of the responses here. Its a slippery road. Sex for men is important in a relationship. He has feelings for you if he is still sleeping with you. He will say one thing and do another, I screwed up with that many times. However, I would suggest not having sex. It sends him the signal that you are ok with the way that things are. That even though he doesnt want to be there emotionally for you, you are going to be there physically for him. You are basically showing him that he can do whatever. I would hold off, even though I know it is a great feeling to be intimate with the one who holds your heart. Things are moving in the right direction for you, but it is now time to set your boundrys before you end up at square 1.
Hope that helps some what.

to your continued success

Kurdt · « **Reply #170 on:** July 11, 2011, 03:15:54 AM »

Quote from: skersting on July 10, 2011, 09:31:36 PM

He has feelings for you if he is still sleeping with you.

Sorry but I totally disagree with that.
Most of the people (and especially men) don't need to have feelings to sleep with somebody. They just need to be physically attracted.

@ Odessa : I think you shouldn't sleep with him. It doesn't sound good for me that a guy you don't have feelings sleep with a girls who still have fellings for him. Because you'll maybe feel even more in love for him, having sex makes peoples closer.

It just my opinon, I hope it'll help

Kurdt

Tinseltown · « **Reply #171 on:** July 11, 2011, 03:22:46 AM »

Can I ask how he 'decrees' these new developments? See, I have this curious view of him entering a room in your house, like the Love Butler From Hell, to say,

'And now, Odessa, I will sleep with you,' before leaving behind a dignified bow.

He's still pulling your strings and the sex thing, to be frank, makes me quite angry. Sex is almost invariably 'more' for a woman than it is for a man. They want it, we say when; we hold the purse strings and the second we don't, things are all wrong.

See, my perception of this is that you may think you can use the sex as leverage, as a bridge to greater intimacy. But all that means is that you're trying to work on HIM, to prove your charms to him to get him to change his mind. Which isn't very far from the original thing that we trying-to-get-exes-back folk try to do from the off.

Where is your taking your power back in all this?

I hope this doesn't sound too brusque. I've had some devastating news tonight and am maybe posting with reduced sensitivity. But my intent is good, I promise

Shortened version? Don't do it. Don't go anywhere near it, in fact

With love

Tins

RealCrimsonDynamo · « **Reply #172 on:** July 11, 2011, 03:37:52 AM »

I agree with Tins. I also am beginning to get a bit perturbed with Patrick's decrees. What is his astrological sign? Sex will not make him feel emotionally closer to you. I had my guy tell me before sex that he was getting addicted to me and he always loves making love to me but it was not enough to keep him by my side. Odessa he says he's going to help you financially and that is good like the others have said you have to get some control back from the situation. He may be the man you love but he is also your adversary. That sounds harsh and some might disagree but that's what it boils down to. At this point your will is going against his will. Treat him as such. Not in a negative but in a completely positive way. Always keep that in the back of your mind when dealing with him. I can't help but get the feeling that this guy is enjoyng hurting you and keeping you strung along. No matter what he is saying. Yeah he's been upfront on things but I think he takes a perverse pleasure in reiterating that it is over and you have given him ample opportunity to give him that pleasure.

tereza · « **Reply #173 on:** July 11, 2011, 07:52:21 PM »

I don't agree that he's her adversary and that he's getting some sort of sick pleasure from messing with her. I'd avoid that sort of thinking since it reminds me of that passage in The Secret where the one man thought the world was against him and as a result the world was against him. I do think that Patrick is acting like a butthead and I think that's because he's confused. There is a progression in his actions towards her that suggests that he's starting to warm up to her (remember he was completely cold in the beginning?), but for some reason he's fighting it. Still, it's not nice of him to keep going back and forth.

As for the sex thing, I still think it could be a good thing, but since he's expressed that he's worried...I would stop having sex. It's like when a guy wants space, you give him it and then give him some more space. Though...if he were to try to initiate sex again, I'd probably give into a couple of passionate kisses, then push him away and say...we can't do this! It'll complicate things! But that's just because I think it'd be funny to throw his own garbage back at him.

Katie · « **Reply #174 on:** July 11, 2011, 09:07:34 PM »

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He has feelings for you if he is still sleeping with you.

I don't agree, Skersting, because he told me that he is perfectly able to have sex with me without feeling anything emotional.

Quote

Most of the people (and especially men) don't need to have feelings to sleep with somebody. They just need to be physically attracted.

True, Kurdt.

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See, my perception of this is that you may think you can use the sex as leverage, as a bridge to greater intimacy. But all that means is that you're trying to work on HIM, to prove your charms to him to get him to change his mind. Which isn't very far from the original thing that we trying-to-get-exes-back folk try to do from the off.

Where is your taking your power back in all this?

You are absolutely right Tins. And the butler from hell thing really made me laugh

Your reply is not brusque, I think you've pinpointed what my problem is : I am acting out of fear, having sex with him, being afraid that he'll go after another woman if I don't.
I definately not taking my power back when doing that.

Real Crimson, his astological sign is Aries. I'm pisces.

Quote

Yeah he's been upfront on things but I think he takes a perverse pleasure in reiterating that it is over and you have given him ample opportunity to give him that pleasure.

Oh yes, I have ; I repeatedly begged him and cried and did everything to make him see me as a worm, and I lost all my by dignity doing that. Alot of damage was done, but at least that part is over.

Quote

I do think that Patrick is acting like a butthead and I think that's because he's confused. There is a progression in his actions towards her that suggests that he's starting to warm up to her (remember he was completely cold in the beginning?), but for some reason he's fighting it. Still, it's not nice of him to keep going back and forth.

Sorry to say that there is no warming up. He is actually colder and colder.

I have reached this decision, thanks to you guys. No more sex, no more of the doormat attitude for me.

I read some post, I think it's Froever in Love's, where someone talked about a book called "whey mean like bitches". I ordered that book today, can't wait to read it.

thanks to you all

Tinseltown · « **Reply #175 on:** July 11, 2011, 10:31:02 PM »

Quote from: odessa on July 11, 2011, 09:07:34 PM

I have reached this decision, thanks to you guys. No more sex, no more of the doormat attitude for me.

FABULOUS news! And the best choice! (And glad I made you laugh)

With lots of love

Tins (A Fellow Piscean)

PS Sherry Argov - she's the bird who writes the Why Men Love....series; you'll laugh and you'll learn. Another fantastic choice you've made today, m'dear!

Sweet Spirit · « **Reply #176 on:** July 12, 2011, 08:29:47 AM »

Odessa, I have only recently started participating in this forum again, so I apologize that I have not replied before now, but please know that my heart goes out to you.

I too was struggling for quite some time about having sex with my BF because I knew he was wanting to be intimate ( not to feel closer or connected to me) but he was having sex with me to just get pleasure; and he admitted that. I used sex with him to feel closer and connected with him and to believe the notion that he was being intimate out of his love for me. After a rollercoaster 16 month relationship, we parted back in August and he told me he never wanted contact with me again because he felt we should both move on. I was devastated and I cried for weeks, I could not eat or sleep and I could not be happy without him. After joining this forum I got some great advice to let go along with being grateful and loving myself and finding happiness apart from him or anyone else. Like you, I was depending on him to complete my happiness, and when he said or did things that hurt me, (He didn't do those things to hurt me on purpose,) but because I expected him to be a certain way (and he fell short of my expectations,) I allowed my feelings to get hurt. My fault ENTIRELY. Anyway, my negativity and doubt of his love for me was the final straw and he left.

Eventually we got back together and he moved back in with me over 6 months ago. We have had a few disagreements and I reacted with overanalyzations and negativity. When we reunited, I had not come to the point where I completely loved and forgave myself and where I depended fully on myself to be the source of my happiness, so this caused doubts that he truly loved me even though my subconscious mind/ higher self knows the truth( that he really does love me.) I am starting to trust and listen to my higher self more now and the doubts are coming less often. I believe it was actually him who could not let go of me. We have both changed (for the better) since last year and we are growing closer everyday but I think it is because of the way I started perceiving him. I started affirming that he loved me (I no longer doubt he does,) and he has shown me more affection this time around. My point is this: until we can love ourselves first and rely only on ourselves apart from others to complete our happiness, we can not fully love (without condition,) and be happy with others. We must also change our perception of others and many times they will change into the way we perceive them.

Anyway, just let go dear. Detach yourself, give him A LOT of space and perhaps he will get closer. Just love him unconditionally from a distance for now. I did and it worked!

By the way, I love and appreciate your attitude. You are a WINNER and you will be blessed.

Much love to you! You are worthy and valued and you deserve much happiness!!!