Occasion to acknowledge our love

[Peace]

In a previous post I asked how to take friendship to a higher level and turn it into a perfect relationship.

In my case, we know each other since half a year and we do everything two people in love typically do, except for directly acknowledging our love to each other (we never kissed, or anything): we are "beating around the bush"!

The reason is several misunderstandings: I met her through an acquaintance with whom she had an unserious fling, and I assumed that they were a couple so I didn't even imagine interfering. Throughout time however, I understood that they were not a couple and that she had strong feelings for me.

At that time, I didn't know Law of Attraction and was extremely negative-minded, paranoic and jealous in relationships. If I saw a girl speaking to another guy, I thought she doesn't like me, she's cheating, etc. There were several occasions in which I drove her away due to my negative vibrations.
Example: she would say something quite romantic to me in front of him, and I would think she's only joking or provoking me, and thus I always answered with a negative tone. She once started crying because she invited me to go somewhere and I told her "Oh, I'll just leave you two alone!"

Nevertheless she always seeked my company and I think she and I have spent more cumulative time together than I have ever done with any of my best friends (we met every day!, the fling-guy met her once or twice a month). We are highly compatible and symbiotic, functioning like a perfect team, and that's what made me like her.

Before she moved abroad for studies a few weeks ago, there were many occasions in which my friends told me to just take her and kiss her, but I didn't have the confidence to. I also think she is very guilty about her fling with the other guy and wants to show me that she's a morally correct person (she trains him to become like me!).

In some of our deeper conversations (especially before saying goodnight), we start acknowledging our feelings, building up strong tension, but suddenly withdraw.
Example:
(both of us are embraced like a couple, except we're not kissing)
Me: (with an increasingly romantic tone) "Good night, my dear [her name]"
She: "Good night, my dear friend."
(when I hear the word "friend" I think, "OK, another day...")

These romantic situations have been increasing ever since she moved abroad and we meet only via chat (she probably misses me). I have tried the "general search" and it seems to increase the positive tension that is building up between me and her... but it never comes to a defining moment in which she says something like:"You know what... I think I am in love with you."

[Galina Shibileva]

Hi again

Did you put a deadline to your wish?

[Peace]

Hi again

Did you put a deadline to your wish?

Are you saying I just have to be more patient?

Well, deep inside I feel that it's best that if anything happens, it should happen when we meet again in person and not via chat. It would be nice if we became a couple via online, but I still have some fears about the effects of long distance on communication, faithfulness, etc.

Despite never giving any serious definition to our relationship, we often make plans to meet each other again and are actively working towards it (I could work in the country where she studies, etc.).

On the one hand, if I am too impatient I could vibrate:"If she doesn't say she loves me and we aren't officially partners immediately, then everything will be lost!" and thereby really loose her.
On the other hand, if I am too patient, I could loose her, too...

[Galina Shibileva]

No, I'm not saying to be patient - just fix a deadline so the Universe can deliver what you want when you want it... because without a deadline, your "wish" may stay suspended for 10 years...

If you have any hesitation, you need really to master your negative emotions and doubts and fears...otherwise it will manifest as well...

Peace and faith

[Peace]

I will try putting a deadline then.

I must add that much of my negative emotions come from observing other people. I grew up witnessing my father who was always extremely jealous and protective when my mother spoke to other men. On top of that, I studied psychology, which constantly discusses and describes human behavior especially in relationships - behaviors that are truly far from what I consider "perfect" (from the way they select their mate, to infidelity). I see that the real world reflects most of the ideas that I studied, and even though I sometimes have hope that "it won't happen to me", I often step back to my "normal view".

I tried to "let go of all anxieties" for a few days and not worry and not think too much, but the result of that was a return to my regular pattern of interpreting everything imperfectly
(it is part of my daily interpreting of people).
She sent me an expensive message from abroad asking how I am, and I was a bit happy about that, but when I saw her writing a group e-mail to several of our friends in common, I started thinking very badly about her (instinct: she doesn't care about me more than the others, she doesn't "prefer" me, etc. what a [filthy words]!), I repeat, it happened instinctively despite all my work to think differently and with hope.

I start panicking at the first sign of non-commitment and think "infidelity/cheating".

Maybe the Universe wants me to be a mysoginist seducer?
I ask this because I normally feel very good and satisfied whenever I think that all women are superficial and it is much easier to obtain any woman's love through deception and money rather than true love, etc.

[tereza]

I repeat, it happened instinctively despite all my work to think differently and with hope.

Sometimes it takes time deprogram the things you learned when you were little.  You were taught that love is scarce, when you watched your father get jealous and just now you're finally questioning that belief.  Sometimes just questioning the belief gets rid of it, sometimes there are other beliefs that are hidden and making it hard to get rid of.

Have you thought about talking to someone about the jealousy thing?

[Peace]

I repeat, it happened instinctively despite all my work to think differently and with hope.

Sometimes it takes time deprogram the things you learned when you were little.  You were taught that love is scarce, when you watched your father get jealous and just now you're finally questioning that belief.  Sometimes just questioning the belief gets rid of it, sometimes there are other beliefs that are hidden and making it hard to get rid of.

Have you thought about talking to someone about the jealousy thing?

It is not just the things I saw when I was little... it's everything I read and learn about even today, at school, in the news, in the magazines: promiscuity, infidelity, cheating, mistrust, break ups, etc.
Even the slightest signal of those can put me into panic mode...

Well, I told everyone about getting jealous easily, but it's really a matter of instinct vs willpower.

[tereza]

I can see that a lot of things have affected you. 
Still, you can keep working on questioning those jealous thoughts and looking for reasons to disprove them.

This may seem silly, but I read this exercise in a book about pursuing your dream job and I find that sometimes it helps with other concerns in my life.  I take a piece of paper and fold it in half.  On one side of the paper I write down my negative thoughts and on the other side of the paper I write down something to contradict the negative thoughts and I keep going until I can no longer think of anything negative to say.

For example:
Negative:  They can't give me a raise at work because of the economy.
Positive: But maybe they're doing alright and they might say yes if I ask.
Negative: They'll say no, don't waste your time.
Positive:  Well it really isn't a waste of time if they say yes and no one will mind if you ask.
Negative: ...hm
Positive: Let's do it!
Negative: ok
Positive: Yay!

I know that's cheesy, but I find that after doing that for awhile, I have an easier time being optimistic about things because I've come up with so many reasons to be optimistic and I'm able to look for the good in a situation.

[Peace]

Everything was going well... or not bad.
Until today.

She is cold, very cold. And avoiding me.

She says she'll be back and never comes back.
Doesn't answer to my messages.

I think I am ruining the situation.

Please help... I think I need damage control.