Author Topic: Im 100% there, but now Im SCARED. (Read 7003 times)

Christy Michelle · « **on:** March 12, 2011, 09:57:11 PM »

NOTE: I EDITED THE TITLE. Previously named: Now what? Update.

Hello forum. As some of you may know, theres been almost 3 months since the breakup with my 1.5 yrs boyfriend. We lived together. Well, after 2 months of unsuspected no contact, he emailed me three days ago. He told me he misses me a LOT, that he really loves me, and that he is very sorry of the way he treated me. He said we both changed during the relationship and that he knows it was his fault, for his anger toward the world and his own life. He also told me he didnt dare contacting me because he thought I was angry at him and he was extremely ashame at the way he was with me in the last months. We talked, very nicely, and he ended telling me he is very sad im not with him and that he wished I was with him once again.

So, of course I was so so very happy! It was the commnunication I had been waiting for. We didnt speak about the relationship at all (i mean, about being together again), but the conversation seemed more like a good bye, like he wanted to end things in good terms. Well, not EXAcTLY like that, but the way he was writing was like "i wish you were here, but it is no more and will be not".

It didnt matter at all to me, because at least I knew how he felt towards me, that he still loves me very much and actually misses me. He is dating a girl, but while we were chatting she left him a message on his wall (faceb) telling him to met at the next day and he told her no, that he wanted to be alone, that he didnt know what he really wanted and it was better to be friends. I was so excited!!!! He was commeting on our pictures and even told me to move to California together (where i so much want to go), kinda joking but that showed me he was thinking about us. Happy happy happy!!

But then...a mutual friend began telling him that the girl he was dating was a slut and telling him bad stuff about her (which are mostly true due to the fact that she was my friend at some point, so I know the way she is). So, my ex got really angry at our friend, and he told him that it was not nice of him to be talking that stuff about a woman blablabLa. This was yesterday. Then suddenly, my ex emailed me telling me that he thinks it was ME saying that stuff about her using our friend's fb account. I told him NO like 3 million times but he keeps thinking that. My friend and his girlfriend told my ex it was him who said that, so my ex kinda believe them but still have doubts. I DID NOT wrote that, I swear, but I did lie to him about all this messy situation, a BIG BIG lie (it wasnt a harmful lie, but a lie after all). Then my ex confronted me and said that he believes me that I didnt wrote that stuff about her, but that he knows Im lying about the other thing. I kept on going that I was telling the true (oh lord, please forgive me, Im not that king of girlfriend and person, but I was so happy that he finally talked to me that I didnt want to lose him again and didnt know how to handle him coming back so suddenly).

Well, we spent the night on this whole issue, my friend, his girlfriend, my ex and me, all chating at the same time trying to convince him that I was telling the true but he still knows I lied. I dont feel THAT bad because in one time he lied to me big time about something, so we are even and if we get back together I swear I wont ever lie like this again.

During this whole conversation about the lying thing, he didnt seem angry. He told me he loves me like crazy, but that it dissapoints him that he knows Im lying and I dont accept it. So, I dont think I lost him after all. I cannot accept that I lied, because then he will know I lied twice (the lie and then lying about not lying), so I gotta stay firm in that Im saying the true... I will burn in hell for this.

My plan is to leave him alone for some days, while he get his mind straight about the other girl and the way he feels towards me and what he wants to do. Im not expecting a relationship with him right now, altough I would like, but im not desperate anymore. Actually, I dont know WHAT to feel. I KNOW I love him, theres no doubt about that, and Im happy he contacted me and most of all, to know he misses me, but...after all the missunderstanding and the lie, I feel like numb inside. I forgave him the time he lied to me, so im kinda expecting he says something like, ok i know shes lying but I did too so, lets forget about it, and actually forget it.

Do you think thats possible? What do you think about the whole situation? Both in loa and non-loa terms. Please any advice on how to feel or what to do...Thanks and sorry for the long story.

lise · « **Reply #1 on:** March 12, 2011, 11:05:40 PM »

Wow Christy - good going with the attracting and everything he said. Focus on the good stuff and the other stuff will fall away.

Re the lie/ lying - oh what a tangled web we weave!

What I suggest if you feel admitting it and explaining the reasons to him is out of the question is next time he speaks to you is to say to him - look I'm happy you got in touch, glad we're speaking and I think only well of you but let's not look back on the past and go over it - lets just think about now. If you think he'd be open to it - why not tell him about ho ponopono etc and that your friendship/relationship/ now is what's relevant and not the past. Which is true. Getting into a round of who did what,when,why where etc is unproductive anyway.

Christy Michelle · « **Reply #2 on:** March 13, 2011, 06:15:48 AM »

Yes your right. I'll let thing settle down and then re-evaluate my decision of not telling him the truth.

Today I was at the beach with some friends and they were telling me D has changed a lot. During our months of separation, he began doing nature trips (we live on a island so theres nature everywhere) with some mutual friends and he seemed very happy and positive. Since his father died, he has such an anger toward life and didnt want to barely go out of the house. He wasnt enjoy life and was depressed, hanging around with the wrong crowd. If it took this pain of mine to him to feel better, then im proud of me letting him go his way, because I know now thing can be so much better. He changed friends and is going to caves, forests and stuff. Thats amazing! The power of nature is so inspiring and refreshing... (and Im an eco-explorer myself, so now we can share these experiences together!!)

(Thats me talking AS IF we are going to get back again, which I really want).

I also began and will keep on thinking about him as the true D that he can be: loving, fun, and happy. I send him good vibes and "talk" to him during nights (that was before the comunication) so now Ill continue visualizing a good life for him and consecuently, for us. Thats for the ones of you who needs a little advice on what to do. I still have issue believing the Loa theory, but I really enjoy thinking good about people and sending love to make them better. I get that

Discuss.

Christy Michelle · « **Reply #3 on:** March 14, 2011, 06:38:30 PM »

tereza · « **Reply #4 on:** March 14, 2011, 08:59:51 PM »

What's the question?

I think when it comes to the LoA, one should do what feels good to them. At one point, I was doing no contact with my guy, according to the rules of many "get-your-ex-back" guides on the internet, I had to leave him alone until he contacted me. Well one day some bad stuff happened where he lived and it felt right to contact him and extremely wrong to ignore what was going on there, so...I contacted him. Looking back, I can see how that led m to where I am now with him.

Anyway, with your guy you can tell him the truth or not. I'm not sure what is the best thing for you to do. If you want to tell him the truth, but are worried about how he'll respond...then change your focus and think about him responding well to the truth. If you don't think it matters, then focus on the end result...you and him together.

Christy Michelle · « **Reply #5 on:** March 15, 2011, 09:45:22 AM »

Thanks!! Today was a WONDERFUL day! And I think I finally nailed the whole loa thing!! I will tell you what happened:

Today was my day off, so I went to the city to do some things, and while driving, I was hearing some youtube stuff (abraham, quantum mechanics, and even some Liz Green!--in fact, she had a nice clip where at the end was this message: At the end, everything is gonna be ok. If it is not ok, is not the end. It was so inspiring!). I read some pages of The Power while on the car repair shop and was getting my hopes up. So then, when I got home, I had received a magazine and decided to look at it to see if I could find some vision board images. I was painting all over the magazine, writing inspiring words like, Love, Peace, Happiness, D, Christy, everything is gonna be awesome, and so on. I was really feeling the LOVE!!!! I only could thought beautiful thoughts about him and us, but mostly about him.

Then it happened. I received a facebook message from him. It was the first time in THREE months that I thought of him and he "answered". I immediately started crying, both scared of what he may say and also of happiness. The only thing he said was "Tina" (his nickname for me). So we started talking and at some point he asked me for the name of a song and I said, I'll tell you if you forgive me. He said, I KNOW you lie and what you did was not nice, but I love you. XD

We continue chatting and he was SO lovely. He seemed so mature!! He was telling me to forgive him for his BIG mistakes, that he got into a depression because he missed me so much, and that now he knows the kind of woman he left. MANY more sweet things!! And for him to say those things, damn, that was just magic! A MIRACLE!! He is the hardest and coldest person on Earth. He even told me the next relationship he has will be for the rest of his life (when together, he continuously told me he wasnt gonna get married ever or have any child, he wanted to be alone for the rest of his life). He asked me what I feel for him and I told him I love him, of course, but if we going to be together again things will have to change. He said he doesnt know what will happen between us, but told me he wants me in his life again!

So!! I kinda 95% got him back!! We still have some issues to talk, but I'll handle it with love. I go the "love" thing down (sending love and stuff), but believing in loa 100%...still working on it.

Im so HAPPY!!

Believing Love · « **Reply #6 on:** March 15, 2011, 11:45:14 AM »

Oh my .. Congratulation christy ... I am so so so happy for you .... ? proof that loa always at work

congratulations !!

angel_star · « **Reply #7 on:** March 15, 2011, 12:05:29 PM »

Christy! You just made me 'feel love'! Dear you are fantastic. All the best for your wonderful life ahead. Your posts continue to inspire me every time I read them God bless you. Keep updating your progress.

57angel · « **Reply #8 on:** March 15, 2011, 01:32:42 PM »

Oh wow Christy, am so happy for you! Your story really inspires me today, just what I needed after a bit of negatively affected with everything that is happening near us, the tsunami and now the nuclear plant leak. You deserve it Christy, keep going

Christy Michelle · « **Reply #9 on:** March 15, 2011, 04:00:10 PM »

Thank you, thank you all!!! The most important thing is to continue learning. Life and its mysteries is a wonderful thing, so we should not "use" loa (a term i dont agree with) just in times of need (hmmm, same as with God, uh?), but as a way of having a better, loving life. If Loa exists or not, I still dont know, but Im really convinced on the power of LOVE (and Im not talking about a relationship kind of love, but love in general) and also in being thankful. Appreciating the most things, situations, and person you can, makes you feel sooo good, sooo happy, that I dont care if the nice things that happens are because of loa, I just feel great loving, learning, and being grateful. I promise myself to continue in my journey of expanding myself thru keep on reading, learning, and doing all the wonderful things this forum has show me. I thank you all on this grear community (im not leaving haha, sounded like it).

And for my guy, he lives an hour from my town, so I guess we could meet on the weekend and Ill let you know what happens. Im so proud of him.

Christy Michelle · « **Reply #10 on:** March 16, 2011, 12:10:55 AM »

HELP!!!!!!! Please help me with some encouraging thoughts! Im chatting with a mutual friend and he is telling me not to get much involved, because he is seeing that girl that I know he is seeing, but that my ex is confused and he doesnt know what to do. I need to get powerful thoughts but im so scared right now!!!!! Im so nervous, I wanna cry, my heart is beating so hard.... I know I must NOT contact him in this state, or even today, because we spoke yesterday and I dont want to look desperate or rush him, but... i dont wanna lose him!!! Please tell me everything is gonna be ok..

lise · « **Reply #11 on:** March 16, 2011, 12:40:44 AM »

Christy - not sure how to put this politely. GET A GRIP!!!!!! You have had two months of no contact - and then you've attracted him back being POSITIVE /SECURE/ LOVING. Do not freak out now because of some well meaning but ill timed comment. He/She doesn't know what you know or feel or really have any understanding of the true nature of your relationship only you and him know that.

I think sometimes we put so much effort into attracting things when we're at our lowest and when we start to see results, take our eye of all we've done and let doubr creep in. It's not about what your friend said but how you react to it. If you're rattled by it then maybe it's because you have some limiting beliefs that are similar to what they expressed. Re read what you have posted on here - what you did/ what he said and how happy it made you and how much change he has made. Just keep on keeping on and it will continue to get better and better.

you know you have changed things - just believe it will continue. You've done amazingly and will continue to do so. x

LOVE_is_mine · « **Reply #12 on:** March 16, 2011, 12:43:49 AM »

You're doing great! You need to relax, believe that everything is gonna be okay.
You've made tons of progress. Remember the universe is gonna test you to see how
bad you really want something. This is just another test. Realize that and be strong and have
faith that you're gonna get the outcome you want. Do something that makes you happy. Send your guy lots of
loving thoughts. Be happy that he's on his way!

Detached&Allowing · « **Reply #13 on:** March 16, 2011, 04:02:25 AM »

This was recently posted about letting go and I found it to be a good analogy. Christy Michelle, I feel this would be a good time to implement it.

Quote

Many people say you should not be attached to the outcome, and yet you will get excited as the day gets nearer if you put a time frame to it.
The thing is to remember the difference between attachment and expectation.
Here's an example:
If you order a meal in a restaurant you wait expectantly for it to arrive and sit and talk until it does - that's expectation. You don't sit there worrying if it will arrive, or when it will arrive, or if it will be ok, or if it will be what you wanted - that's attachment.
Do you see the difference?
Of course you should expect to get what you ask for. But if you worry or wonder if it will arrive or when it will arrive, etc. then the message you are sending out is that you don't really believe it - so what will you get? Proof of your disbelief!

lots of love!

MinDiddy · « **Reply #14 on:** March 16, 2011, 04:06:41 AM »

This totally inspired me today. I'm so happy for you! I am also so grateful to the caring people in this forum for giving you encouraging words that are also inspiring me and helping bring me up on a down day.. THANK YOU everyone!