My own update

[pachacuti]

Thanks Ginny and Vicki,

I will do my best (as I have done all along) to be supportive. I know that she misinterprets a lot of things that I do as being something often the opposite of what I really mean.  I will take every opportunity to tell her that I love my baby and want to be as present as I can be.  Right now, I cant let her know that I love her, as this really just makes her mad.

I am and will remain heart-centered.  Thanks for the encouragement.

Mark

[Ginny]

You can let her know that you care about her and will support her however you can, without delving into the messy area of 'love' or putting any pressure on your future relationship with her. Just let her know that you accept that you've done things wrong (don't mention what she's done wrong, it will only wind her up!) and you want her to know that you will always be there to support her and the baby in the future. That's what I'd think anyway

[pachacuti]

Thanks again, Ginny

[Sweet Spirit]

Mark, I think you are making terrific progress!!

Your ability to detach is showing you that what you thought you wanted in a relationship with your wife is only going to happen when she deals with her own insecurities. You are too good to be treated in the way she has been treating you. She wants you to feel bad so she can bring you down with her. You are doing the right thing by not letting it affect you. I am so proud of you!! She will soon see that you are a supportive and happy person. Right now, with her attitude being what it is, she doesn't deserve you. Think about using the laws of attraction to change her heart and mind to where it can be on one accordance with your own loving heart. You love her for what you know she can be and whatever it was that attracted you about her in the first place. She can be that person again! Just keep believing that!! I am confident that if you show your indifference while staying supportive that she will realize that you are the one who can complete her life. It may take some time, and it may be right at or right after the birth of your child, but by then, you will be stronger and you will know for certain whether you still want her in your life.

You and others here on this forum have inspired me so much, and your wisdom is golden!! Thank you so much!

Keep pressing forward! 

P.S. What is pachacuti? just curious.....

[pachacuti]

Thanks sweet spirit.  Like most of the sentiments I see expressed here, this is a good place to be

I am trying to be as supportive as I can, but she makes it difficult by keeping me at arm's length.  I do think the indifference is going to help a lot, but right now it is just pissing her off.  But that's better than her simply being dismissive of me.

Pachacuti means "he who remakes the world" in Quechua.

Mark

[Inge]

@Mark, (your were first mlybrand I guess  )

I have to agree with the things that Ginny said. You know why? Because there is a difference in the way the male's brain functions and women's do. So I think too, as Ginny said, it is very important to give her support and let her know that you have done things wrong. Yes, this may sound stupid, but you will see, this will give her some peace of mind, because she knows now that you take it serious, whatever that she's throwing in your face. And I think the reason she shouted, is that she wants to be heared, BY YOU!! Because Mark... you are the one she still cares about, and that is whay it is so important to give her that support.
Maybe this is totally opposite of how you would think to react, but I can assure you it works.
Little different advice here, but hopefully you can use it to your advantage! 

[Inge]

This is a post for everyone:

Hi everyone. I have been reading all the reactions from us all, to bravelioness, also on this topic. I have one suggestion now: There are so much advices now to bravelioness, from going to a therapist to saying she is a stalker etc.etc.     
I think maybe this is enough for now...don't you all think so?
Maybe guys, it is best to stop giving advices for a while... I think she can make up her mind now!
@bravelioness: I am sure you can pick something good for you from all the advices you were given. So.. choose whatever advice suits you! And may something really good come out for you.

Does this make sense?

[pachacuti]

Thanks Inge.  Based on some of the comments I am getting, I will definitely try to use my new-found indifference to my advantage to be able to show that I am supportive and concerned, without giving the impression of "wanting her back" or any of the clinginess (perceived or real) that she has her hackles up expecting.  This indifference is all very new to me, so I will probably get it wrong more than once, and being new I am certain that there are some as yet unexpected relapses into negativity in my future.  I hope those come when I am alone and not when I am in contact with her, that way I don't have as much of a chance to poison the well.

Mark

PS. Yes, I had a name change to protect the innocent and to express my blossoming confidence in my ability to remake the world, at the very least my world and the world of my child-to-be.

[Sweet Spirit]

I agree Inge.

I thought about that very thing when I was writing my comment to Brave Lioness but felt like what I said needed to be stated. This is supposed to be a positive forum where everyone is showing encouragement and support to one another and some of us (myself being the main one) are doing just the opposite. Some times we have to show tough love to get our point across and as hurtful as it may seem, it is done out of love.

@Brave Lioness: I apologize if my words were too harsh and I am hoping that you will get positive about yourself so that God/the universe can give you peace and happiness. My words were meant out of compassion and I feel that when we are too nice it is not effective and does not resonate with you. It is up to you to make your own decisions and I think it is wonderful therapy to continue doing art projects as long as they are not geared to a negative obsession. I myself am an artist and I am obtaining a bachelors degree in graphic design at present. Sometimes it is hard to push myself to get my assignments posted on time especially with the recent breakup with my boyfriend, but it is those deadlines that are making me push myself even harder! He was not very supportive of my desire to further my education but I see that as negative behavior on his part and I am determined more now than ever to prove him wrong. It is applying the principals of LOA that have kept me afloat in other areas besides my past relationship with him. Each day gets a little easier and joining this forum has helped me and been a wonderful blessing.

Now get positive girl!!! There is a wonderful and satisfying relationship waiting for you! You just have to get yourself ready to CLAIM IT!!!!

Hugs and blessings to ya!

[Ginny]

@ Inge and Sweet Spirit - sometimes the kindest thing you can do for someone is to be direct and straightforward - often a message can be lost if you try too hard to sugar-coat it. Everyone was oozing positivity, but it only seemed to be fuelling the obsession. Which would be fine if no one was getting hurt by it, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

I do agree though that enough has been said on the subject. Bravelionness, I hope you will be able to take an objective look at this picture and come to a decision about your course of action that will lead to the greatest happiness for all concerned.

[pachacuti]

Checking in to provide further information about my progress.

Communication with my wife has become more distant and sporadic, but it is not hammering like I definitely thought it would. The detachment has truly set in.  Today was the first time I had talked to her (we only chatted, but still) in over 3 days. The motive for the call was that a friend of hers had chatted me on Facebook as she had done earlier.  The earlier time she had asked me to have my wife give her a call (the friend is in Peru, where my wife now is, btw) and it was clear that she was unaware that my wife had returned. At that time I had relayed all of this and assured my wife that I had not revealed information that I did not feel was mine to reveal.  Well, this recent chat shows that my wife still has not contacted her, nor has she let her know that she was in Peru. I was just letting my wife know.  That part was all okay.  Then we talked about the pregnancy and the baby and that was all okay.

Then she asked why my dad hadn't written to her. She told me not to lie to her if I had told him our situation.  I told her I hadn't and that I had never lied to her.  She brought up an issue that I am ashamed of, where I did indeed lie. After she had told me she no longer loved me and was putting out all kinds of ambiguous signals I was scared to death. One day I did something I regret, by snooping in the browser history to see what she was planning.  This was how I discovered the plans to fly to Peru. I had told her that she had sent me a confirmation of her itinerary and that's how I knew.  I admitted later to this lie and have regretted the situation ever since.  When it came up this time, I said, "You're right I did lie in that moment of desperation." (And, FWIW, I really did always try to be open and honest with her about everything, which is why I owned up to this behavior almost immediately when I recognized what I had stooped to). Anyway, I reflected that that response clearly smacks of making an excuse.

I had never even forgiven myself for this act. I have always looked on it judgmentally. Now, I sincerely forgive myself with using the excuse of momentary weakness.  It was wrong. I admit it. But now it is what it is.

So, now, with this new-found detachment, I am going to sincerely ask her for forgiveness for this incident, both the lie and the invasion of privacy.  I will also make a list of all the things I can think of that weigh on me that I feel I need forgiveness for.  I will further make a list of all the things that weigh on me and forgive her for. I do this not in the spirit of winning her back or anything. I do it for me.  I do it because it feels right.  The two lists will not be shared with her, except as the naturally arise in the course of events, and then only the individual incidents (I won't go reciting the list or anything, is what I am getting at).

I have also further reflected on what I want.  Now, I don't know what I want as far as my "soulmate", but I had a moment of clarity this morning that filled me with an energy that raised goose-flesh on my entire body. I realized that the only thing that is now important is that I be the greatest dad in the world to my child: strong, confident, successful, dedicated, present and happy. I can actually visualize this one with no problem. I don't need to try and believe it.  I KNOW it to be true. I don't know what the universe is going to do to make it happen, but I know beyond the shadow of doubt that this is going to happen. My job now is to move towards the goal, heed the signs the universe provides and keep from straying from the course.

As always, dear friends, any comments you wish to add are more than welcome.

Bless all of you and remember that we are all going to be great.

Mark

[LeyLine]

hehhehehe niceeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!! congrats by me and my higher self (and the observer as well:P) u will see, mark, from now on everything will start to go beter and better...and if u have setbacks, u will see that the universal mind will always help u to overcome those with signs and sudden inspirations

PS: doesnt letting go feel absolutely awesome???

Peace

[pachacuti]

Letting go really and truly is the very best part of this whole process.  Once you do it, you will only wonder why clung on so tightly for so long....

Mark

[Sweet Spirit]

Okay! So with all the happy people here who have let go, how exactly do you officially let go? I am so ready for the peaceful feeling! Does it just come naturally with time, or do you have to affirm it?

I have had a lot of dreams here lately about my ex boyfriend.Of course, we still have not had contact, and I don't expect us to, if ever at all. I check his relationship status everyday on facebook to see if he has taken me off as his "girlfriend" and he hasn't yet. Its like I think so much about him that here lately every single time I have slept, he is part of my dreams!

There is this guy who I met online several years ago, who I was not attracted to and he has been pursuing me now for all these years (about 3 years now.) I finally gave him my number when me and my ex were having tension this past summer. I enjoy our conversations on the phone but I know he wants more than friendship.  I have not met him in person and he wants to give me  some software for my computer that I need for school. I have told him that I do not want a relationship right now and that I am still not over my ex, but I would like to meet him. He tells me what a wonderful, sweet and beautiful woman I am and he has already said "I Love you babe" on his voice mails. That kinda creeps me out since he really does not know me except through our conversations and my pictures.  He has a good job, a nice home and he is a nice guy, but I am not really attracted to him in a physical sense (from his pictures.) I believe that may be shallow thinking on my part but I feel I need to be attracted to someone in every way.

I called him the night my ex left me. I needed someone to talk to and he is such a great listener! I talk to him all the time about my ex and its almost like I am talking to my shrink, and he does not seem to mind at all. I know it may bother him but I believe he thinks that once I meet him, he can make me forget all about my ex, so he thinks he may have a chance with me so he is being patient I guess.   I am really not ready for this! What do I do?! I know this guy is already falling for me but I still desire my ex. I do not want to use or hurt him in anyway!

@Mark, If your wife had a change of heart do you think you could accept her back at some point? She left you just one day after my Boyfriend left me. I guess this question would apply to all of you who have felt peace in letting go.

Anyway, any advice on this situation would be helpful!!  Thanks! I am thrilled that all of you are so happy now! I am getting closer.........

-Melanie

[pachacuti]

@Sweet Spirit: Letting go was a process. But when it did really hit, it was an epiphany. The epiphany though was in two parts.  I was chatting with one of my dear friends here when she said something that rang in my ears: "If she wasn't there when you needed her most, why would you want her in your moment of glory."  It was hypothetical at the time, part of a larger conversation we were having, but it stuck in my head (and does so to this day). That was part one. Part two came in the phone call that started this thread. That was the moment of realization that I was indeed becoming indifferent to the outcome in a way.

Would I take my wife back at some point, if she had a change of heart?  The answer to that is much less clear than I would have thought. I can see a vast permutation of possibilities of how this plays out.  All of them require changes, both for her and for me. I can still envision the possibility of us being together again and I like the thought, but at the same time I can see the possibility of us not being together again, and ... drum roll ... I like the thought.  Read that again. It's not that I don't mind or don't care, I actually like the possibility of new horizons.

The only thing that is super crystal clear for me right now is me being an awesome father to my child. All the other stuff will be resources the universe gives me to achieve my goal, texture to liven up the fun I will have in life, the stories I will tell my grandkids one day.  From this point forward, life is a big juicy peach to savor and enjoy while the juices gush down my chin and turn sticky in the hot sun.  And that, my friends, really makes me happy.

Mark