It has been a long time ago that I have been on this forum. I did not had internet for a little while and there after I was very busy. I was chatting with a woman I met on the internet. She was really there for me, but at this moment I have to attract money and I find that difficult. There is a "Global Information Network" I am an affiliate member now, if I want to be a level one member I have to pay money every month, but I have just enough money to live.
Also, I have the feeling I am loosing grip on my believes. I felt so awesome and great. Even if there were dissapointments, I could put myself over it and go on. Now I only feel tired.
I have a grumpy boss (but a job! Hooray!) I miss my friends in the Netherlands, but I am grateful for the roommates I am living with now.
To the relationship part: My ex broke up with me almost a year ago. We emigrated from the Netherlands to Belgium. In June it was over and I moved back to the Netherlands, to the place I am from. When it was December I got myself "together" again, I was meditating and living the LOA GOOD! It was an awesome time. I moved back to Belgium, the same place we emigrated to, to do an evening school and got a very cool place I live now -very cheap!- for temporary renting. (One week after I did a "schoolday" I got an email if I wanted to live there...it was GREAT!)
Since I live here, very very slowly I got contact with my ex. At first I was like: Allright, I did not came back here for you, but for me and my future (I really tought about it and tought I could handle it that he lived here also.
So, to make a long story short. We are on good foot with each other now. We see each other very very often. And yes, stupid, but we got intimate. The one moment he says stuff like: "It is annoying there is something between us still", the other moment I am "a very good friend" and that's it.
He just went away, because I said: "It is not possible to sleep here if we are just good friends", all of the sudden he acted with very big distance and leaved immediately. I did not wanted to make a drama, but kicked him out of the window instead of picking up my keys so he could get his car who is standing at the back of my house. I felt dissapointed, confused and sort of small "dumped again". Actually, it is not friendly, but I am proud of myself I stood up for myself for the very first time. All the time I was like: "If I act just cool and go with the flow, it will be allright", but I have to set my limits at one point. I KNOW I am not "just a friend", if someone chills out with me a lot. And wants to sleep with me. But I have to set my barriers for selfrespect. I said I wanted to talk soon, he said: "Just leave me out", I did not answered and opened the window.
Questions I do have are:
- How do I refocus on the LOA again? Does anyone recognize the feeling LOA "fades" and things are going "wrong" again?
- How do I rebelieve?
- I realized after he went away, I cannot help it, I still care. But he acted with distance, so I did that too. I hope he will call me tomorrow and we will talk about it, but I think this situation has to do with something I created on my own. My own doubts and stuff. But does anyone knows, why the fuck is it like everything is going so well and if I very careful try to touch "it", I get distance?
Thanks a lot for reading!! I think it is better for me to keep more active on this forum and the LOA, perhaps it will help if I interact with people who also do believe in the LOA but do not want to earn money or something like that