Long distance, skepticism and options increase

[TeletubbieJellyPie]

My dearest friends, I tried some law of attraction right after watching the film "The Secret" and it seemed to work, though I don't want to exaggerate my expectations just because of "beginner's luck"

my situation: I was building a wonderful relationship with a foreign visiting student and we were the happiest couple I've ever seen, but she had to return to her country after her exchange term at my university was over.

We didn't break up but we didn't even commit. Still, we were communicating DAILY for at least two months after she left, at a quite intense level - and while using the advice of the film I even discovered some realistic possibilities to join her again, even to live together with her!

But then there was a setback and I don't know what was responsible for that. There were several periods in which I feared that she was trying to separate from me. Sometimes she would disappear for days and return later. Communication has been weakening and we don't regularly "good night! sweet dreams!" anymore...

Parallel to these fears I also experienced some issues in other areas of my life that may hamper the possibility to visit her or live with her.

While talking with friends about Long Distance Relationships, I understood that it is very difficult to keep the attraction when there are so many options available around us. I started doubting my own faithfulness when other women started approaching me.
What I am saying is: I fear that both of us may be drawn away from our love towards each other by the options around us. We're both very extroverted and like to interact with the people who are physically around us... which can easily lead to bonding with other people.
I also think that both of us used to be slightly promiscuous before meeting each other.

Personally, I would SACRIFICE such instincts in order to remain faithful, but everyone says that it takes two to decide it and I have doubts that such a nice, friendly and unconstrained girl like her would be able to endure such sacrifice as I can.

All these thoughts wouldn't happen if it weren't for the distance. We truly did things for each other we wouldn't have done for any previous lover, and while some things may seem trivial I feel that they involved a lot of effort - both from her and from my side.

I would like to ask any ideas I could apply to this relationship, specifically:
1. How could I attract a way for us to be physically together and live as a happy couple in the same country/city/home?
2. A question about LOA: it says that most importantly we should feel good. Does this mean we shouldn't make sacrifices for love?
3. Depending on the answer to 2., should I focus on "saving the relationship" or should I enjoy casual sex again until future finds a way to let us live together?

(Note: I know that even if I enjoy casual sex, I will always stay in love with her. But I don't know whether this would be against the Universe's path for us to live together under the same roof...)

Thank you very much. any general advice on how to overcome distance are very appreciated!

[Andrew Wilkie]

Tele,

Resist the urge to put it down to beginners luck. Lurking there is a belief that you can only get what you want by luck which isn't the case.

The same applies if you don't win a competition. What do most people say, I knew that would happen. What happens, you don't carry on winning.

If you think it is luck, you just have more work to do on believing that you can get and deserve what you want.

OK the short answer is been there, done that doing it.

Your writing is full of fear and lack. You and you alone are the one that can change this. Yet, relationships are a two person interaction. As you change so will she. This doesn't mean she will change the way she wants to.

Are your friends qualified to talk about long distance relationships? Don't take advice from broke people.

Question 1 - Great question, what would you do to attract anything else that you wanted, ain't no different?
Question 2 - Feeling good for many is love. You should not have to sacrifice anything. If you do, this will normally lead to resentment. Which is a negative emotion.
Question 3 - Don't save anything. This is coming from a position of lack. i.e. there is not enough for me.

I think what you are after here really is validation on your actions and thoughts from other people. You already know what the results will be if you carry on the way you are.

Granted LDRs are not the easiest, because you don't have day in day contact and lov'in.  Yet it really is a two way thing. They are easy if you're prepared to do the work. The LOA does include a work step.

Work =  emails, holidays together, parcels, recorded messages, text, photographs, video,skype  if they have a blog follow it.  All of this must be done REGULARLY. If you can't do this, you already know the answer.

My credentials - 4 years and counting, lots of emails, parcels, holidays, text etc. Distance between where we live 5956 miles  or 9585 km. Currently I'm living the other side of the world to go with my LDR, we're going from holiday mode to really living together mode.

So with effort, belief and work on both sides, yes it can be done. Are you willing to put in the effort?

[TeletubbieJellyPie]

Thank you for your long reply

I think I need validation for formulating my wishes, since I get confused between contrasting guidance from moral values on the one side and other "shadow values" on the other. For some, even unrequited love is a very good thing whereas for others it is totally wrong and ought to make us unhappy...

Anyway: I think that I used the word "sacrifice" to describe the same thing that you called "work" and "effort". Since I have become very religious over the years, "sacrifice" actually has a positive connotation to me, similar to the feeling of accomplishment and satisfaction that results from giving up something for the benefit of someone else.
I don't know how this interpretation of "sacrifice" fits into the picture of abundance though.

I did not understand clearly your answer to question 3 Would you mind explaining please?
Are you saying: since there are many women, I should not focus too much on the woman I love?

[Andrew Wilkie]

Tele,

Sacrifice is very different to work and effort. I think if you meant that, that is what you would have written. You wrote - giving up something for the benefit of someone else. In my opinion that is coming from an LOA point of lose. Why should you have to give up/lose anything? From an LOA stand point you can have everything.


Religious sacrifice...I'm going to stay away from because I'll be opening a can of worms with most of you about organised religion and the poor, crippling indoctrinate of the masses and their opinions on abundance, wealth and money.

Question 3. Thanks for asking for clarification. Helps me too.

Pop quiz - You say you have become very religious over the years, how does casual non married sex fit into all of this? - You don't need to answer, but I'm curious.  This is an LOA forum,not a moralistic forum...lol

Are you saying: since there are many women, I should not focus too much on the woman I love? No. You asked about saving the relationship, not focusing on one woman. Do you notice how powerful language is? You language also determine, your actions, thoughts and beliefs.

"Saving" indicates lack: lack of belief, lack of opportunity, a fear etc. You would not being  viewing it as saving but strengthening, growing, developing. Doing the work step of LOA. 

There are many, many women out there. If you flit from one to another, you're saying to the universe, you fix it.I give away my power and if nothing comes of it, I can blame you not me for my lack of action and belief. 

Deep down, you'll know if the relationship is worth having long term. It is a question of do you want to admit the answer to yourself?

[TeletubbieJellyPie]

OK andrew I now understand you more clearly; I think the main difference here is that I give more weight to the cultural meaning rather than the plain language and rhethorical value of these words.

When I think "sacrifice", when I think "saving", I associate it with nobleness of heart and chivalry - traits we gain through effort. I see a personal benefit in becoming chivalrous. And in effect, if nobleness comprises self-sacrifice, then it can't be possible to have something and not have it at the same time, unless we cheat... Does that make more sense? 

I know, you usually save something that you fear to loose. But still, there's a greater value to save something than to merely have it.

Allow me to play with words. Imagine being a doctor: how can you have a job if you can't  save other people? How can you have health and at the same time cure? (or, to be even more philosophical: how could you cure anyone if everyone is already healthy?)

I think we're getting lost in rhethorics here, but the bottom line of what I want to say is that I give highly positive connotations to what seems denoting lack of abundance:
There's plenty of ill people to cure. There's plenty of love to give. There's plenty of areas we can work on to make the relationship grow better.

Putting language aside.
In real life, how can we have both things simultaneously? The Battle of the Sexes is a good example. If the man wants to watch a football match and the woman go see a romantic comedy this evening (and each can choose only either one or the other activity), the only way for them to spend the evening together is for one of them to give up their preferred activity - and appreciate being together with the partner

If we have 100 bucks and I'd like some tech gadget that costs 50, but my wife wants a dress that costs 80... how to "share"?

Of course, all these questions take into consideration only what we have HERE AND NOW, and not the possibilities for the future. Do you think LOA is more for the future or also the here and now?
Could you provide an example?

Regarding religion, my affinity is more related, as I explained above, to values, spirituality, chivalry, courage, kindness, compassion, altruism, etc. and not so much the political religious entities.
So it has nothing to do with the contemporary views prophesized to the masses as you say ^^
What I meant very above with "sacrificing my instincts" was: I'd like to have sex with the girl I love, but as long as she's far away, I could have sex with others instead. Sacrifice would be, in this case, to add to the bond of our relationship by waiting, through patience and hope

And even this can be interpreted as abundance: why give in to my instincts (denotes lack of patience, fear that I might not be able to have fun very soon) if I will soon be able to make love to the one I truly love?

Why seize the day when there are so many days to come?

[Andrew Wilkie]

Tele,

This is my final post on this, since we're going to differ in opinion which is fine and dandy. That is the whole point of a forum.

Remember this, when all said and done. LOA is all about results.

I come from the position as follows:

Your Thoughts create your Words.
Your Words create your Actions.
You Actions create your Behaviour,
Your Behaviour creates your RESULTS.

For me, much of what you are saying is from an Either/Or position. Either A or Either B. Not both, yet the LOA is about creating and having both.

There will always be jobs for doctors or anybody because not everybody wants to be healthy. Many peoples actions and behaviours (illness) gives them a result that they want and like. They believe on some level that if they get healthy, they will lose what they gain by being ill.


I thought your choice in the wording "Battle of the Sexes" was very interesting. What is the metaphor here? That it has to be a battle? I know you may think of it as just words, yet words play out in reality.

You share by having both it is not either A or B.  If you feel like you're giving something up. It's not a fair exchange and if you keep doing it, you will fester negative emotions

LOA is past, present and future. Time is a man made idea and construct. Your past has determined your present, which in turn will determine what happens in your future. All of which can be changed on an emotional and belief level easily and quickly.

Your affinity is more related, as I explained above, to values, spirituality, chivalry, courage, kindness, compassion, altruism, etc. That's great, but who determines what is and is not those things? Be really careful on who and where you choose to learn.

Sex, others and not. I'm pretty certain most would not see it quite like that. i.e. you love girl A, so she isn't here so I'll have sex with girl B as well or instead. Yet, emotional if you feel good about your decisions,actions and behaviour great.

Although don't bother with hope. Underlying this is a lack of belief in an outcome that you want. If you want an outcome what can you do today to make it happen?

Bottom line is: It will be your behaviour and actions that determine your results.i.e you get what you want or don't. If you feel good emotions whilst everything is going on great keep doing it. If not, stop. It's pretty much that simple.

[TeletubbieJellyPie]

"This is my final post"
Wow, so much for abundance   

You say to follow what feels good: well, that DOES depend on our values, doesn't it? If I want to lead a strictly religious life I will feel very bad by having sex with others. If instead I just want to be carefree and don't care about morality, I will feel very good by having sex with others.

"Battle of the Sexes" is actually a philosophical-economic notion, not something I invented. In case you are curious check it up on Wikipedia.

I absorbed everything you said. If you consider me worth enough to answer one last question, may I simply ask a practical example of how you can have both the football match and the romantic movie this evening?

I shall not bother you thereafter.
I'd also appreciate other LOA experts gave their insights on this.

Thank you

[Andrew Wilkie]

Tele,

Hands up, final post...that's good, I like that one. That's a keeper.

Values are basically what is important to you about X. These are socially conditioned and taught, for most of us by the age of 7. Values can easily be changed.

If you feel bad, you won't do it. If its religion, guilt normally surfaces somewhere.

If you have an emotional conflict: having sex, not having sex. That's an internal block that needs to be cleared up. How? My first choice is always EFT.

Football and Movie.

My initial reaction is which is more important to you? Not what is right, but most important? If you do one and feel a negative emotion, that needs to be cleared up.

Abundantly thinking, I know that one or the other or both are going to be repeated. Certainly if it is the football, most likely tomorrow, if not in a couple of hours.

Can't you record one and watch the other?

What do you fear you'll be missing out on if you can't watch one of them? It's that fear that you're trying to avoid. That needs to be cleared up.

[TeletubbieJellyPie]

Thaaaaanks andrew

Values are socially conditioned and can be easily changed. I totally agree. So would you say that if I had a choice between different values (or value systems) and reasoned upon them carefully, I should follow the values that I feel best about?

My question regarding "sex or not sex" was originally more about "How to properly use LOA to reach my goal?",
i.e. if I want the outcome of being together with my foreign girlfriend physically (my goal), if I "know" that we will soon be together (positive manifestation), will marry and have kids (more positive manifestations) and become a wonderful family (again, a positive manifestation), would the act of desiring and having sex with someone else before she comes represent a positive or a negative manifestation, in terms of LOA mechanisms?

Regardless of her values and my values, and strictly in terms of LOA, would such behavior bring her closer to me, or create even more distance between us? Or is such decision unrelated to whether or not I will reach my goal?

That was my original question.

But I will also translate it also into the "A vs B" problem. Well, my fear is that if I DO have sex, I might be LOA-manifesting that deep inside I do not believe in reaching my goal very soon, or perhaps never. And that as a consequence of such manifestation, LOA will distance the two of us.

[Andrew Wilkie]

Tele,

Values aren't actually something you technically feel. They are your unconscious blueprints that you "run".  You can reason and think logically all you want. Problem is none of use actually think and act logically. Otherwise we'd go well logically, I'd do or think or get. Yet that never happens.

Habits and behaviours are often unconscious. Logically you should give up smoking, yet most people don't. Even if logically they want to.

You'll either be going towards something or moving away from something, whichever is stronger.

Whether having sex with somebody whilst knowing you have somebody else will bring you closer to that person, is not the decision of LOA. LOA doesn't go yes, no, yes.

You are desiring to have sex with another person. That is what LOA is bring you. So as far as mechanics go of LOA, it's working, as expected.

If you think your action will get your closer to your end goal, it will. If it doesn't appear to be, change your actions.

There is nothing wrong with doing one action, noticing its result and changing. That's great. There is no failure, only a delay in getting what you want.

And the real answer is:

I do not believe in reaching my goal very soon, or perhaps never.

[TeletubbieJellyPie]

andrew,
Well throughout my life I have been quite committed to "following the instructions word by word" (and that's why I'm here - because I didn't understand an instruction )
i.e. if there's some new scientific research that reveals how fasting can increase the chances of getting together with my girlfriend (silly example I know, but just to clarify), then I will fast even if it is totally out of my normal habits.
That's why I think I do put reason above emotions; otherwise I would have never experienced such radical ideological changes like from the total "pick-up artist" to an advocate of "virginity before marriage"

I use instructions to override whatever blueprints there may be.
Example: I know, rationally, that racism is a deceiving instinct. Even if I am in a situation in which I have a huge prejudice against someone who is different from me, I will use the rational instruction to override my instincts.

I could think of it this way, too: I have a very good feeling towards following instructions.

Well, I guess I expected LOA to provide us with such specific instructions that we should follow regardless of our beliefs and values, whether they are hardwired or not, in order to achieve our goals.

Point is this: until I started feeling desire for other women, everything was going fine and well. She was also speaking more openly with me. There were many chances for us to be together.
So I guess the answer is to stop desiring other women

But before continuing on my journey of chastity, may I ask: how long should one wait to evaluate whether an action is getting us closer to or further from a goal?

[Andrew Wilkie]

Tele,

How long should one wait?

There is no hard and fast rule i.e. day,week, month, year.

I think it must come down to feelings and your results. i.e. motivation to do something=results.

Each day are you thinking and feeling the person? Are you doing something to get to the end result daily, weekly etc. If you notice, are acting on an inspirations or ideas that may be presented to you.  If you're presented with other opportunities and you take them how do they make you feel?

[TeletubbieJellyPie]

I see.

Well, the point is that especially during the last 2-3 weeks there seemed to be no "flame" in our conversations. I thought maybe I am exaggerating but I compared with some chatlogs of the past which were immensely more romantic and affectionate than they are now

I don't know whether it is me who pays too much attention to those negative details, but *sigh* is it such a news? I'm just scared to loose her

Sigh... I'm in a slight moment of confusion regarding the past events.

It may be that my hopes were too high and only now I am realizing it.

But it's good that you say that "there is no failure, only a delay"

[Andrew Wilkie]

Tele,

Confusion is natural. I remember somebody saying something to be about confusion and learning. Although I can't remember the exact quote.

"there is no failure, only a delay" - I so much prefer this one to. There is no failure only feedback. It's much easier for me to accept. You certainly don't recognise the feedback,when you're in the thick of 'failing'.

For I'm just scared to loose her. I'd do EFT on that. I had one of my Champagne moments on that exact same thing, two years ago.

What is EFT - http://www.eftmagic.com/blog/training/what-is-eft-emotional-freedom-technique/

How To Do EFT - http://www.eftmagic.com/blog/how-to/how-to-do-eft-emotional-freedom-technique/

If you look on the forum I know Marty22 had great success with it recently.