Loner done attracting loner

Hi;

So, I'm 28 and for as long as I can remember, I've felt disconnected with people. I have some friends but my mantra tends to be that of an island.

In terms of relationships, there have been few. Part of the reason is because most women don't keep my interest (or I know they are playing games, etc.). Another part is because I've always felt like I wasn't allowed to see anyone or that I didn't deserve anyone.

Anyways, my family is going through a tough time. My mother retired about 3 years ago and was instantly diagnosed with cancer. Needless to say, she is near death.

It's lead me to be more open. It lead me to be so open that a girl I've liked for ages, I asked out... again. See, I thought she liked me because I always said to her "I want a relationship or nothing with you." So, when she would return to my life after x amount of months of absence, it made me think "oh, she is back:)."

Well, she wasn't. I opened up to her and she opened up a bit, but, for one morning. She said she felt shallow for the way she treated me (after I said I liked her) and I played it off, saying it wasn't her fault. Some days past and I had time to think about it. Of all the times I spoke to her and was ignored or insulted or disrespected, it turns out, she was shallow and mean to me for a long time.

I wrote her a big email about how bad she had made me feel. I wrote her saying how I enjoyed talking to someone but it wasn't her. The one morning it was her, but every other day, she is someone else. I feel delusional in ignoring things she was and thinking she was things she wasn't.

I've a couple questions, comments, and whatevers. Firstly, I think it's important I take away the qualities I liked about this girl (she was beautiful, funny) and ignore the ones I didn't (cold, ignorant, uncaring). What's it say when I delusion myself thinking she has qualities she is not displaying? Does it mean I am losing my mind? Does it mean I am looking deeper into her and seeing she is capable of these things? Like, she is capable of being open and warm and caring? When should one give up?

Second, what can a guy, like me, do to better manifest what he wants? I've always wanted a relationship, ever since grade 2, but oddly, have never had it. I've gotten condo's, motorcycles, cars, I've moved where I thought I wanted, but this one dream which is there every morning and every night has never come true!

I see myself holding someone I love, doing things with them, everything, from trips, to shopping, yet, it's only ever me that does these things. I know the girl I enjoy to be around, even met a few...