Inspired Action Vs Not So Inspired :P

[tereza]

I think I already know the answer, but I thought I'd just toss this out there in case someone had some thoughts on this.

Recently I had reactivated my online dating profile (I had taken it down because it was more trouble than it was worth). I spent a few days weighing the pros and cons of this and on a day that I was feeling rather frustrated with the way things were going with my guy, I decided to go for it. Perhaps I did it out of spite, but then I don't know, maybe it was something I needed to do to get some clarity?

Anyway, so far I have mixed feelings about it. On one hand it makes me happy to get letters from interested guys and sort of excited to hear from guys that have similar interests as I do. It's nice to have someone show an active interest in me.  On the other hand, I still feel a bit guilty and I've noticed that I'm constantly trying to convince myself that this is the right thing to do.  Part of me thinks that by having an online dating profile, I'm saying that I don't believe that the relationship I want is on its way, so basically I'm contradicting what I want.  I feel like that by doing this, I'm worrying about the how and forcing things, when really I should just chill out and enjoy life.

So...
I'm thinking the best thing to do would probably be to just shut down the profile. Though, since I've already wrote to a few guys, maybe I'll see if how that goes? It seems rude to just disappear on them. But maybe those connections will fizzle out? Who knows, not going to stress too much about that.

[Vicki Christina]

Tereza,  I guess it depends on how much you see your guy and what the two of you discuss.    I have not heard for quite some time the status of your relationship!   If it is casual and he is not acting totally into you then why not tell the Universe that you will practice relationship skills and self esteem skills until the new relationship with your guy is what you want!   I do not see a contradiction with meeting new people if he is doing other things.  IMHO....  VC

[schenderson22]

I have been in your shoes prior to understanding LOA.  You are actively trying to let go.  You aren't trying to give up, you are just trying to move forward.  Sometimes it feels good and sometimes it doesn't.  You don't really know what to do. 


Remember, to act out of frustration won't usually get you what you want.   However, it can be a good distraction at times.  Inspired action feels good and right. 


As for closing your profile, if you are good some good vibes from people then go with it.  Ask yourself, why is that you feel guilty.  "Technically" you two aren't together, so that shouldn't be a part of it.  In order to have him you MUST let go. 


Make sense?

[tereza]

Hm. Not sure what to think about this…

So today I got a message from a guy with the same name as him. Then a message from another guy from his city (which is bizarro since that's the opposite side of the country and everyone so far has been local). Then a guy I had responded to, just mentioned he's from the city where me and my guy first met.

Anyway…

Vicki,

I like the idea of practicing relationship and self-esteem skills.

As for "us", we're just friends right now. Actually, up until last night, I hadn't talked to him in 3 weeks. He's been real busy with school (intense program). I assume he's dating (though not as much as before since he's busy), but we haven't talked about our dating lives in months. So no clue what he's up to. 

Schenderson,

Well looking back, when we first started talking, I had started dating someone (while my guy's relationship had ended around that time…totally unrelated to me). I felt pretty guilty and felt like I had to tell him about it.   So I guess I feel like this is something I need to announce to him? Maybe this is just some weird politeness quirk of mine.

As for letting go…to be honest, I'm not clear what that is exactly. To me, I think that means…being ok with the idea that nothing more will ever happen between us, which is how I feel about my job. If I get a lot of hours, great. If I don't, that's great too.  It's all good whatever happens and everything I wanted from my job, I get.  Is that the same?

[Vicki Christina]

Yes it is letting go just the same way as with the job issue, but for me it is harder to emotionally detach from, the lover issue than the job! 

[schenderson22]

While I feel that what you and Vicki Christina are saying is a part of letting go, I like to use the restaurant analogy.

When you go to a restaurant you place your order, similar to telling the Universe what you want.  While you wait for your meal to arrive you visit with friends, make plans, laugh etc.  At no point to question whether or not your meal will arrive.  It always does.  Sometimes it just take a bit longer than others. 

Does that make sense? 

[Ginny]

I am eagerly awaiting a different metaphor

Am I really the only one this doesn't work for? In addition to many experiences wondering where my meals were, I also worked as a waitress for a few years, and quite often customers were anxious about when their meals were coming - sometimes they even walked out because they got so sick of waiting. So, my experience is that quite frequently people dp question when their meals are coming. And sometimes the waitress comes back after half an hour an says, "I'm so sorry! I've just found out we're all out of that, would you like to order something else?"

While I feel that what you and Vicki Christina are saying is a part of letting go, I like to use the restaurant analogy.

When you go to a restaurant you place your order, similar to telling the Universe what you want.  While you wait for your meal to arrive you visit with friends, make plans, laugh etc.  At no point to question whether or not your meal will arrive.  It always does.  Sometimes it just take a bit longer than others. 

Does that make sense?

[schenderson22]

You definitely keep me on my toes Ginny.    I know it is rather redundant, however, it makes perfect sense.  People can relate b/c most have dined out before. 

I, too, have been in the food and beverage industry for about 15 years.  Those people who walked out or had to wait too long were the ones who arrived anxious, unsure they would make it back to work on time or already cynical about whether their order would be right.  In some cases, people do have to change their order.  However, it usually gives them a chance to experience something they may not have otherwise tried.  "everything happens for a reason"   

I'm sorry but I have a tendency to see the silver lining for most circumstances and can always find a reason why something has happened or how I attracted something in my life. 

Lots of love!!

[Believing Love]

Letting go means not worry-ing too much about the results.you may think about your wish but if thinking about it hurting you,means you think about it too much and you're not letting go.. If you know he is yours,just trust the universe that he surely be yours.But then again,the universe knows better,if not him then someone better. Hope I'm making sense here

[57angel]

Tereza, don't feel guilty on your profile in an online dating site. VC is right, you need "practicing a relationship and self esteem skills". You are in your pedestal, do the things that will make you happy. Meeting men in an online dating site can help you learn more of yourself, and learn as well from men what are the "dos and donts" in a relationship that will be helpful for you in your improved relationship with him. When he knows that you are happier and busier with anything, anyone aside from him, he will know it - faster to get him back:-)

[Ginny]

Sorry Sheri, I'm not deliberately trying to be awkward - it's just that that analogy always jars with me, makes me think the opposite to what it's intended. I'll try to shut up about it now

[tereza]

Ok, well I've been sitting on that restaurant analogy for awhile. I think that the problem with it, is when you confuse the idea that what you "order" is the same thing as what you "want".  There have been times when I've ordered chicken, but really wanted steak, while other times, I didn't really want to be in that restaurant but went because my friends wanted to.  So I think that when people don't get their "order", it's probably because they're really getting what they want instead.

Which sort of brings me to where I'm at now. I haven't been able to talk to my guy in about 2 weeks (well have a proper conversation I mean). At first I was sad, then I was pissed off and now I'm fine with it. Because he wasn't around, I was forced to pay more attention to my business and learn something new about myself...I tend to get obsessive in relationships and put my life on hold for the other person. (I don't know why I do this, I hope to figure that out soon.) Anyway, the good thing about him not being around, which is sort of my "order" being ignored, is that my real want is being answered. 

See, the idea of moving for a relationship, stresses the heck out of me. I start to feel like I need to move NOW and I get all panicked about how to make that happen, which leads to me not really getting much of anything done.  If we were in regular contact, he'd keep asking how things were going and if I'm still on track. I always feel guilty when I say everything is on track, because well it isn't.

But moving just for me, now that's a good feeling. Since he's not around as much, it becomes less about him and more about me. When it's back on me, the goals become clearer and the decisions easier to make. Yes, I want to be able to talk to him more and yes I want him to visit me. But I think this distance is creating more contrast, which keeps me from becoming comfortable in my situation and forces me to strive towards making my wants a reality. Last year when I moved cross country, I didn't set myself up to be successful living on my own. So when I move again, I want to be successful so that it sticks.

[lise]

Tereza - where you say " I tend to get obsessive in relationships and put my life on hold for the other person. (I don't know why I do this, I hope to figure that out soon.) " does it matter why you DID it as long as you don't do it in the future? What I mean is - you could expand a fair bit of time figuring out why, what brought it on, where etc - but ultimatley what your aim is to stop it - so why not cut out the angst/ analysis and just stop it - far quicker.

The point being recognise the old behaviour - stop it - practise the new.

[MinDiddy]

I did the same thing several times ... I had no real interest in meeting people. But LOA is all about making yourself feel good. and If you are getting some complimentary attention from some new people that's awesome! It's healthy to get those feelings. It builds your confidence level. Just because you are receiving attention does not mean that you are obligated to give attention back. Just enjoy it for what it is and take it only as far as you feel comfortable...

For me I used it as a distraction .. to temporarily get me to focus on something different here and there when I noticed myself feeling desperate for my love's attention. It's a good thing to let your love focus on you ... you just worry about making yourself happy and if it's a little innocent online flirting so be it!

[tereza]

The point being recognise the old behaviour - stop it - practise the new.

Good point. Basically I should focus on the end result.
Still, I analyze because it feels good to understand.

It's a good thing to let your love focus on you ... you just worry about making yourself happy and if it's a little innocent online flirting so be it!

Thank you! I'm not using the online dating thing anymore though. The attention was nice, but I didn't really want to meet anyone. I still want to meet new people, but I think there are other ways to do that.