I attracted him back, but this time we are taking it slow and easy

[Sweet Spirit]

Hey everyone.
In a way I attracted my boyfriend back but instead of feeling joyous I feel very confused.

Some of you are familiar with my story, but let me try to re-cap by giving a brief synopsis:

16 month emotional roller coaster ride of a relationship ride ends August 19, 2010
It was a mutual ending but painful for both of us.
Our circumstances were never good from day one but we got along well and we truly loved each other; but that was not enough to sustain a loving and lasting relationship. I was unhappy when he would promise to call (and didn't) or when he rejected my advances or when he felt it was okay to make new female friends on dating sites. But I accepted this man the way he was because I loved him so much. He accepted my life the way it was but he could not accept my son the way he was. We were not important enough to him. His not being able to find a job made him feel like less of a man and it made him feel negative thus causing a strain on our relationship. When we both decided it was best to end the relationship he said, "This is the end of our relationship as well as our friendship and I want no further contact with you ever again." I was hurt, devastated, angry, depressed, desperate and feeling any and every negative emotion there is. I lost sleep, weight, the desire to be happy, my self worth, etc. I allowed this man to control my emotions without him even knowing it!

For 4 weeks I cried, I hoped, and I dreamed. Then one day I "let go" of the need for him to make me happy and I tried to find the happiness in myself realizing that I was the only one responsible for my happiness. The feeling was liberating! 5 days later this man who said he wanted no more contact with me messaged my son on face book to wish him a happy birthday. 2 days after that I made a comment to his religious status on Face Book. Nothing personal like a " how are you, or I miss you," but a statement that could be equated with someone who was merely an acquaintance and not a former lover. The same day he replied back with" Hope you are well, I miss you and you need to watch this video and let the debate continue." I was going to wait a few days before responding but I responded the next day with:" I just watched the video it was interesting." Stupidly, I felt like since he said he missed me I would try to chat online with him. He answered and we talked for an hour online. He said he never stopped loving me and that when his circumstances got better things would be different. I took that as: whenever he felt better about himself we could try again and make it last. I was elated when I fell asleep that night and on into the next day.

During our chat he also mentioned that he wanted me to look for some car parts he had left here and if I found them that he may be able to meet me in Atlanta two days later, as a friend needed a ride to the braves game and would pay for his gas to ATL. His plans fell through and I told him I would mail them to him and he said not to mail them that he would come for a visit when he could afford it and get the parts then. This was all done through e-mail. Then he found me on chat and said his friend may need a ride after all and he would call me to let me know if we were meeting in Atlanta. He called (the first time I heard his voice in almost 6 weeks,) and said that his friend found another ride to Atlanta and he would just get the parts when he could afford to come for a visit. I said, "okay. Hope you have a good day", and that was it. 30 second phone conversation after 6 weeks. I was not disappointed that he was not coming but a little disappointed that he did not try to prompt a longer phone conversation. I wanted him to feel from the sound of my voice that I was not disappointed that he was not coming, so I guess I may have sounded indifferent. It was hard to tell in 30 seconds, but he sounded indifferent himself. I know part of it has to do with the situation he is in. He is broke and I think by me offering to deposit money in his account to pay for his gas (in one of our e-mail messages) it made him feel worse because that was one of the things causing him stress in our relationship.

Yesterday, three days after our phone conversation I got a message from him on facebook on the subject of "parenting". His message said that I may want to look at my son's choices for the pages he liked on FaceBook. As I was reading his message he IMed me on chat and told me that my son was doing inappropriate activity on FB. I told him I would look into it and he said he had to go help his friend (the one he's staying with) and he would talk with me later. I said" bye." Later on (last night,) I replied to his message on FB and said that I appreciate the concern, my son deleted his profile, and good luck with his job search.   Okay as I sit here typing all this he has been online and available for chat, but I have not messaged him, nor has he messaged me. I am afraid that he will ignore me or that he will cut it short and that will make me feel worse so I'm not going to attempt to chat with him.

I attracted him back (at least into contacting me,) but since we are not really communicating I don't know if he thinks I am being indifferent or if he wants me to initiate the conversation or what he wants. I don't want to contact him because I don't want to appear overeager and push him away. I made last contact on FB and if he wants to respond that's okay. I was ecstatic after our hour long chat a week ago but since then he seems cold and distant again. I am debating whether he is worth my feelings for him. I guess I have to let go all over again and not even try to attract him back. I wanted to take things slow but I feel the last message he sent me was pointing fingers at me like I was oblivious as to what my son was doing. In a way it felt like he was chastising me for being a bad parent. I mean I appreciate the heads up on my son's activity but the way he conveyed his message was condescending and to be honest, I feel worse by getting that message from him than I would if I had not heard anything at all. So the emotional roller coaster begins again. I don't know if I am reading things into the messages that are not there, or if I am overreacting, or if he thinks I am acting cold and distant and he is in turn acting the same.

Anyway, that's where our "relationship" stands at present. Any comments or thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks!

[loveofabundance]

@Sweet Spirit, First of all, great profile pic!  Love it!  Secondly, it is okay to feel ambivalent right now.  From my past experiences with attracting back exes, even the few days of contact i had with B, they get all happy and excited, and then the fear sets in.  They get happy because, of course they have missed us.  Then they keep contacting because they can sense that we've changed but unfortunately they haven't changed yet so they quickly realize that everything will be the exact same, get fearful and clam up. 

You don't have to keep focusing on attracting him back.  you can still send love his way and pray for his growth but continue focusing on yourself.  if he contacts you, 'Great!"  you can respond but keep your energy focused on you!

[Sweet Spirit]

Thank you Love of Abundance.

I guess now I have to go back to where I was before we had contact. I need to forget we had that wonderful first contact conversation and remember that he needs to get his life straightened out before we can even think about starting over. Hopefully his next message will be more positive and maybe he will for once ask me how I am doing! I have a feeling he will message me within the next few days but I am not sure how I will react this time. At least now I am not left hanging with the last words of, "we will never have contact ever again."

In the meantime I will take your advice and focus on myself. I am already used to not having him in my life and I have welcomed the possibility of someone new and better entering my life whenever I am ready. Who knows, I may just go ahead remove our relationship status on FaceBook, send his car parts to him and be done with him once and for all. I need to get back to that liberating feeling of letting go again, because right now I feel negative and the feelings I have had the past few days are almost as bad as the ones before I let go 2 weeks ago. Looks like I may remain on this forum for awhile because it helps to find the encouragement I get from all of you here! Thanks so much. All of you are truly amazing and I love all of you!

[tereza]

I think it's interesting that you're worrying if you made a mistake by offering to give him gas money and that you view his rejection of the gas money as something bad.  Also this:

but I feel the last message he sent me was pointing fingers at me like I was oblivious as to what my son was doing.

Why do you view that as bad?  Why are you choosing to see something negative instead of looking for something positive that will better benefit you?

For example, you could view the fact that he rejected the gas money as a sign that he is maturing.  A selfish man who isn't concerned about you or your son, may have accepted your money and used it.  But instead he turned it down, allowing you to use that money in a way that will help you and your son.  Also, someone who isn't concerned about your son, would've ignored his actions on facebook and wouldn't have told you about it.  Isn't it a good thing that he's looking out for your son and that he's worried?  Why does it have to mean that you're a bad parent?

[Vicki Christina]

  Hello, Sweet Spirit!   I think Tereza has a couple of good points.   It is sooo easy to misinterpret tone of voice on the phone when both parties are feeling all kinds of emotions from excitement to fear and anxiety about the emotions of an unstable relationship let alone in texts, email and instant message.     It is difficult to know what is being felt and perceived by your boyfriend.   Of course just from sharing with you on this forum and seeing your inner beauty, I want you to have a wonderful relationship with a wonderful man who will cherish you and your son.    Perhaps his pride is hurting, perhaps he is feeling vulnerable, and possibly he is in pain.   We can definitely say that he needs some help communicating his feelings.  One thing I can say is men love to connect with feelings - through feeling statements and it is an art to learn how to connect that way to get them to open up.  I forget it all when I am full of angst and intense emotion.   So keep sending love and know in the end it will only help what ever the outcome.   

Ha!  Listen to me....  I have been on a roller coaster this week also with my soul mate.   He has called several times today and we have had a few very intense feeling emails. The ability to be open and honest with feelings is so against what we learn for the most part about how to act and react in relationships.   
 

[judasentinel]

To all of you beautiful people.....I hope deep inside, as well as in our posts, we can keep positive vibes for our fellow forum members who are pouring their hearts out. The best thing we can do for them is to give them positive, god-force energy, consciously AND unconsciously, on here or off the forum. That is what sincerity means.

So let's keep encouraging each other with all heart and also MEAN IT.

Onward and upward!!

[BELE]

Well, if he told you he still loves you, what more can you expect from him right now? He will most likely not come after you, especially as you didn’t encourage him to.

Basically, there are two types of romantic love (at least) (and some versions there between): the ego based and the spirit based (maybe there is a better name for it). The ego version is most often based on self-talk. You observe an attracting woman/man and notice the qualities: good-looking, nice, rich etc. Then you start to think about that person and how good it would be to have such a girlfriend/boyfriend until you have convinced yourself you are in love with them. You virtually hypnotise yourself to fall in love because you feel a relationship would boost your ego. The relationship may then work smooth. But it often comes to an end when your ego has grown tiered of the person, most often because she/he doesn’t appear so wonderful anymore and you may believe you deserve something better, or when some problems comes up. If you are the one abandoned your ego may feel hurt. Then you may use the LAO to try to get that person back, but when you do, you realise she/he wasn’t for you and you abandon them instead. Then your ego has got its revenge and you are content. This is just how things work.

The love that comes from spirit is something else. The person is often not a person it would boost your ego to have a relationship with. Not good-looking, not appearing nice, not rich, already married with 15 children etc or for some other reason not the kind of person you would normally consider for a relationship or even look at twice. Or sometimes it is the right person in all these (and other) respects. But suddenly, there you are, overwhelmed with feelings. Then you may be frightened and choose not to pursue the relationship. But if you do, the relationship will be different. Energy from deep inside of you will surface for you to feel the overwhelming love over and over again. But it will also bring up a lot of issues. It is a little bit like practicing advanced kundalini yoga. You will suddenly be aware of things that make you feel bad and that may certainly make your relationship feel like an emotional roller coaster ride. Sometimes you may be so tortured by it that you choose to end the relationship. This is what I first associated to when I read what you wrote about your relationship and your boyfriend feeling bad about not having a job and therefore ending your relationship. Even if a relationship like this may appear tough enough, it may be very rewarding in the long run and well worth keeping it together and forgiving the other party for the upcoming negative emotions.

[lise]

Have you read conversations with god? In that it suggests that we are motivated by one of two things - love or fear. It made me really reflect on my motivations for things.

You attracted him back - and were happy for like a nanosecond before fear makes you think - what did he mean - what did he think - until you can over analyse a situation to death. I'm not criticising because I do it myself and so do my friends. Read back what you put - where are you in all this? Your responding to him and what he has and hasn't said. What about you?

If he's online and you want to talk to him - talk to him - f**k what it looks like. If you want to talk to him do it. If he ignores him then better you know. If you want to wait for him to initiate conversation - then wait and if he does - he does and if he doesn't his loss. You are giving him all the power - worrying and wondering etc. STOP IT.

I'm off to put a picture of myself next to the word hypocrite in the dictionary as I need to take my own advice!!!! But really - we need to reclaim ourselves.

[Sweet Spirit]

I want to thank everyone for their response on this topic.

First of all, my “friend” (I no longer consider him my boyfriend) made my son feel like he was an incompetent loser. My son has not hit puberty yet and at 15, has younger friends and he himself acts like he is 12 years old.  My “friend” had major issues with that and that was the final straw in our decision to part ways. My friend thought that it was okay to live with us and ignore my son because he could not stand my son. My friend also blamed me and the way I raised my son for my son’s behavior. That is the reason I regarded his message about my son’s activity on facebook as pointing the finger at me. I realize he was expressing concern but the subject line of the message was entitled “Parenting” and that set the tone for the one sentence message. That’s why the message rubbed me the wrong way.

Second of all, my friend was feeling guilty about me supporting him, so for me to suggest paying for his gas to visit or my paying for postage to mail the car parts may have been inappropriate. That’s why I was wondering if I said the wrong thing (by offering him money,) that may have pushed him away.

Okay so now I know my fears were unfounded because we chatted via messenger last night shortly after I posted this thread. Of course he mentioned my son and a few other issues (about my life) that complicated our relationship and I gave a quick reply and changed the subject because I feel like that is no longer any of his concern.

Our “relationship” was like this: He wanted to control me but he did not want any emotional attachment to me. His idea of a relationship is much different from mine. He thought it was okay to date other women while in a relationship with  me as long as he did not have sex with them (that’s what I was for.) He was monogamous minded but felt the need for interaction with other women; and beautiful ones at that. He did meet one woman for drinks while he was working out of town, and he arranged meetings while he was living here last year. So  I was simply an option for him. He thought it was okay to tell me he would call me the next day and not return the call for several days, and when he did call, he was in a hurry after 10 minutes to get off the phone and go watch a movie.  He thought it was okay to tell me he would be arriving on a certain day and not show up or call until the next day. I was constantly waiting and wondering what his intentions were. I was on a constant emotional roller coaster. He treated our relationship as “friends with benefits“. You know, every man that I have talked to about my situation has agreed that my ex boyfriend’s idea of a relationship is degrading to me and that I am basically a fool for wanting to hold on and love and care for this man, and they believe I deserve so much better. I accepted him for who he was and that was a homeless jobless man who could not offer me anything but sex and conversation. But none of that mattered to me and I was settling for that because I truly loved him and I wanted to hold onto him. Now it could be that because he has nothing to offer that he does not want an emotional attachment to me. And it could be that once he does feel self worth that he will become emotionally available to me, but I have no control over his circumstances and I have done all I can to encourage and support this man to no avail.

So the content of the chat we had last night may have surprised him and left him pondering. I simply stated that we were friends and that I had let go of my attachment to him. I told him we were starting over as friends and he said that we were just “taking it easy“. If he wants to have what is in his mind “a relationship” where the heart does not matter, he will soon discover that most good women are not wired in that way. If he feels that we should forget about each other now, so be it!

Anyway, I have once again let go because it will allow me to be free of any doubt and worry about why he hasn’t contacted me or why he is being distant toward me. Those were painful feelings and it is hard to be happy and positive when feeling doubt, fear and uncertainty in a relationship. This man needs to change in order to have a relationship with me because I will not go back to the way things were. I will not be controlled while being an option or a friend with benefits. I have realized that he does not have the qualities that I seek in a mate and we can not have a meaningful and happy relationship if our definitions of a relationship don‘t match up.

If this man does change, we may try things again because I do love him and I have a deep connection with him. But if and when I am ready for a relationship and he is not the man the universe sends my way, he will have lost a good woman. I hope this man comes to self-realization and that he will be happy in the rest of his life.

[lise]

We are all different and his homeless jobless status wouldn't bother me at all. His being unable to stand my child would be good bye and farewell don't call me again ever! I think of it this way - anyone who gets me gets my son too and they should be thanking me gratefully for allowing  any of his life. If they don't see that they can jog on. It wouldn't matter what other qualities they may have.

[Sweet Spirit]

I agree Lise.
That's why I told him he should leave if he could not accept my son the way he is. I told him in our chat the other night that he had no power over my emotions anymore and that whatever he did or said no longer matters.( He won't know the truth about that!) I told him that I accepted him for who and what he was and that he should do the same for me and my son. None of us are perfect especially not him (my BF.)

I feel good about making it clear that we are starting over as friends and I told him that it would not hurt or bother me if he started seeing someone else (another lie, but he doesn't need to know that either,) and he said he wasn't looking. I really think the man is starting to realize how good we were for each other. He has messaged me again since that last conversation and this time we kept it casual. He is starting to ask me how my day is going and what I've been up to. Its funny because since we started to resume contact, I sense that he feels like this time he may lose me forever if he doesn't keep in touch. I think the more I show that I am no longer desperate for him, the stronger his attraction for me will become.

I am really starting to feel good about this, and if I don't hear from him in a little while, that is okay. At least I am showing him that it does not bother me that we are keeping our distance. I really feel the best I have felt since our break up. I got my life back, I'm loving it and now I can focus on more important things..............

[lise]

I am really starting to feel good about this, and if I don't hear from him in a little while, that is okay. At least I am showing him that it does not bother me that we are keeping our distance. I really feel the best I have felt since our break up. I got my life back, I'm loving it and now I can focus on more important things..............

That's excellent. Well done you - it's good when you can feel a sense of progression. I hope that doesn't sound patronising - it's not meant to be.

[57angel]

Oh Sweet Spirit, am glad to hear about your progress. Its been few days now that I didnt have much time to post replies here as I also had some personal issues to deal with on the recent things that had happened between a "friend" who is constantly communicating with my "ex" mmmm another setback that I needed to deal again. Going back to you, am happy of your progress now, it is indeed so liberating to know that you are already in control of your emotions, no matter how bad it is and that we can still the best and the good reasons out of all this. I am sure that everything will fall into place, if its him or anyone else for you, I am sure that LOA will not bring you someone less than you deserve. Indeed, there are lots of reasons to smile for in this life. Take care, keep loving yourself