Hello, I feel like crap

[OmAumOm]

(p.s. HAPPY NEW YEAR GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

some annoying thoughts have been rolling around in my head - this is gonna be a pretty elaborate vent, so... just a 'warning'

I think I let go of a good guy, a nice guy. Before we got together I was TERRIFIED of being in a relationship because of my parents failed marriage and I was TERRIFIED of being as hurt as my mum was, because I saw her go through all of that. I was afraid of being vulnerable, afraid of getting romantically close to someone, and even kissing someone freaked me out! It took SO MUCH to get with my ex in the first place, and it's because I knew that he'd be worth it, because he was so caring and lovely - he knew how I felt about being vulnerable, and he was okay with it and didn't make me feel silly or pressure me or anything. I really thought I had found a gem.
Months down the track, I was severely depressed and he couldn't handle it anymore. I was crying all the time and self harming and just wanted to die. I was scared of losing him. I felt like I was a burden to him, a burden to everybody. And then... he had enough. I don't blame him, it would have been incredibly hard on him. It was so unbelievably painful at the time though, because of the fear, because of my insecurities, and because of my fear of being hurt.
And I feel like it's all my fault.
He'd say "it's my fault for not being strong enough", but it's really my fault for being a whiny bitch all the time. I guy who cared about me stopped loving me because I couldn't stop crying or be grateful about anything.
It took so much for me to let myself be vulnerable, and as I fell more in love with him I fell more into fear and self loathing. I was a goddamn mess. I still am.

And he's got a new girlfriend now. And they spent new years together. They started talking really really really soon after we broke up. Like a week after. And she's better for him. And now he doesn't have the burden of me on his back. And I'm trying SO HARD to get over him and SO HARD to stop thinking about him.
The thing is, he was a nice guy, he was lovely.... but in the end - was he as nice as I thought he was, did he change or something? But I can't say if he was a nice guy or not because I mean, every human being does silly things.
And I feel like a whiny insecure jealous girl who can't let go of something. I feel stupid for being so hurt. I feel stupid for screwing up the relationship because I didn't have my head on properly.


This year, I want to be genuinely happy. I want to be okay with myself. I want to genuinely love myself, not dip in and out of it.
I want to be able to say "I'm happy" and know I'm 100% happy, not saying it with uncertainty.

I just wanna be okay again.

[OmAumOm]

Just an hour or two later and I don't feel as crap anymore. I guess I'll be up and down for awhile!

[Moonpetal]

Learn from the experience, forgive yourself and take all the time you need to make you feel happy and good about yourself. Shift your focus from all that to you and ask yourself every moment of every day what can I do for me this moment to feel good and just do it. Don't feel stupid about what happened and about your reactions, just let it all go, don't let it run your life. From experience I can say that if you keep focusing on all that, you will find it harder to move on.

[Rain Raquib]

@ OmAumOm,

When i joined here... i remember u helped me a lot by giving me mental support.
Now i am much better than before. At least i dont cry all the time as before. Here i put a 'Thanx' to you.

Your situation is just like me. The person whom i love more than anyone, left me so easily and he is dating with someone else.
I know how much it hurts. i cant stay a single minute without asking myself - what was my fault? But there is no answer.

But we have to promise ourselves that we will be better person... so that more better persons will be attracted to us... or if God wants Our Love will be back to us again.

I know when someone says "may be more nice person will come to ur life"... i feel angry... coz i dont want any more nice person, i want only and only "my love", no matter how bad he is...  But this is our life... we have to accept what God wants for us... Now a days i pray to God... if u dont want to give him back, plz take back all the loves for him from my heart... so that i can love someone else... i think time will heal our pain... we will be jolly again as before...

Nice to see ur second post here saying that u r Happy...

Hope the New Year will bring much happiness and love for you....

[tereza]

And she's better for him.

I realize you're probably just saying this because you're feeling down, but...you don't know this for a fact. I mean, according to some relationship experts, opposite personalities attract and according to others, like personalities attract. I know people who are exact opposites and are madly in love and I know people who are like twins and are madly in love. What other people say or think about relationships, doesn't define what works for them. 

So for you to say that she's better is silly. People can change their mind and they have all sorts of different preferences. Don't give her an edge over you by thinking she's better.  Even if you don't want him back, don't sit around saying people are better than you. You are awesome and unique in your own way.

I feel stupid for screwing up the relationship because I didn't have my head on properly.

That is a powerful realization.  I mean, your thoughts created that situation and your thoughts can change that situation.  Perhaps you could attract him back or you could attract someone better. It's all up to you, what happens.

Oh and I love this:

Shift your focus from all that to you and ask yourself every moment of every day what can I do for me this moment to feel good and just do it.

Just even doing this a little tiny bit helps sooo much.


edit:
Just saw these links in an old thread by Purebliss about Self Love and thought they may be helpful:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/amy-chan/know-your-worth-understan_b_663194.html
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200212/your-trump-card-self-love

[I AM LOVE!]

Om these are temperory ups and dips in feelings.From your last posts it was very clear that you have much more clarity about how and why things went than many of us here.Accepting your share of faults/mistakes is the first step one takes to better life.Now that you know it,focus on yourself and your happiness.And the other gal,she mite be good but you are not competing with anybody..there are plenty of good people around and she and you are one of them.Dont ever think you are not good enough for anybody.You are unique in every way like each one of us is..You had some problems and thats ok,everyone has..The best part is you know what and why you have limiting beliefs and now since you know it,dont stop here.Eliminate them!
Try Ho'opononono or may be EFT or may be watching good movies where they show relationships are success.Personally they boost my beliefs like anything.
And I am still on my previous comment for you..Hats off !! to your clarity