(p.s. HAPPY NEW YEAR GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
some annoying thoughts have been rolling around in my head - this is gonna be a pretty elaborate vent, so... just a 'warning'
I think I let go of a good guy, a nice guy. Before we got together I was TERRIFIED of being in a relationship because of my parents failed marriage and I was TERRIFIED of being as hurt as my mum was, because I saw her go through all of that. I was afraid of being vulnerable, afraid of getting romantically close to someone, and even kissing someone freaked me out! It took SO MUCH to get with my ex in the first place, and it's because I knew that he'd be worth it, because he was so caring and lovely - he knew how I felt about being vulnerable, and he was okay with it and didn't make me feel silly or pressure me or anything. I really thought I had found a gem.
Months down the track, I was severely depressed and he couldn't handle it anymore. I was crying all the time and self harming and just wanted to die. I was scared of losing him. I felt like I was a burden to him, a burden to everybody. And then... he had enough. I don't blame him, it would have been incredibly hard on him. It was so unbelievably painful at the time though, because of the fear, because of my insecurities, and because of my fear of being hurt.
And I feel like it's all my fault.
He'd say "it's my fault for not being strong enough", but it's really my fault for being a whiny bitch all the time. I guy who cared about me stopped loving me because I couldn't stop crying or be grateful about anything.
It took so much for me to let myself be vulnerable, and as I fell more in love with him I fell more into fear and self loathing. I was a goddamn mess. I still am.
And he's got a new girlfriend now. And they spent new years together. They started talking really really really soon after we broke up. Like a week after. And she's better for him. And now he doesn't have the burden of me on his back. And I'm trying SO HARD to get over him and SO HARD to stop thinking about him.
The thing is, he was a nice guy, he was lovely.... but in the end - was he as nice as I thought he was, did he change or something? But I can't say if he was a nice guy or not because I mean, every human being does silly things.
And I feel like a whiny insecure jealous girl who can't let go of something. I feel stupid for being so hurt. I feel stupid for screwing up the relationship because I didn't have my head on properly.
This year, I want to be genuinely happy. I want to be okay with myself. I want to genuinely love myself, not dip in and out of it.
I want to be able to say "I'm happy" and know I'm 100% happy, not saying it with uncertainty.
I just wanna be okay again.