Law of Attraction for Relationship > Law of Attraction for Relationship

Detachment and relationships :)

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angel_star:
Hey people! Here is my take on detachment, particularly pertaining to relationships. I will try my best to keep it precise, understandable and practically applicable. Feel free to discuss it further here or PM if need be :)

To understand what detachment IS, first it is important to understand what detachment ISN’T. Detachment IS NOT giving up, saying ‘I am tired and I don’t care anymore now’ or saying ‘I guess it was never meant to be’. These are not letting go of resistance. These are letting go of the DESIRE ITSELF! Such an attitude will keep your boyfriend/girlfriend even away from you. Detachment is not a state of ‘no desire’ its just a state of ‘no resistance’

So its important to see that detachment doesn’t mean ‘not desiring’ it rather means ‘not worrying or doubting or controlling’. Detachment is a state of being. It’s a state where you do not ‘need’ him/her to complete you. It’s a state of feeling whole by yourself. A state of absolute independence. By ‘independence’ I mean not depending on him/her for your happiness, joy, peace, etc. This takes us to an important question: Is it bad to be interdependent in a relationship by showing care and affection? Of course, its not bad to feel affectionate about someone. Give and take of affection and care are essential to any relationship. But its important to differentiate between affection and attachment. Most people tend to get confused between what they think is affection, but which in reality is attachment. You like another person, care about him/her, feel happy for their successes, etc-this is affection. You get absolutely tensed up when he/she, for whatever reasons, do not talk properly to you once, you feel absolutely powerless without them in your life, you need them to make you happy and you cannot be happy by yourself-this is attachment. The problem is, on the surface, attachment looks like affection. For instance, if you say ‘I love him/her so much that I would not survive without him/her’ it seems like love and affection alright, but if you really mean ‘you cannot survive without him/her’, then you are highly dependent on him/her for your well-being and hence, you are attached.

So how do you let go of that attachment or need? By loving yourself totally, accepting yourself and respecting yourself completely. And most importantly, taking up responsibility for your own feelings and not resting that power in the other person’s hand. This is actually already known. But there is a common mistake people tend to do in this phase. It is this: They love, respect and accept themselves ‘in order to’ attract the other person! So this self-love, self-respect and self-acceptance which are meant to make you feel good turn into efforts for attracting that person. When you do this in order to gain that relationship, in essence you are saying that ‘I do not have that relationship still. So I am going to love myself totally so that I can attract my love’. By doing this, you are focusing on ‘not having the relationship yet’. So you’ll end up attracting more of ‘not having that relationship yet’! If you love yourself as an effort to attract love back, then you haven’t let go at all. True detachment happens when you love yourself because you recognize your worth, because you truly respect yourself, because you feel and know that you are special and unique. You do not love yourself with an agenda to attract someone, you love yourself just because you love yourself! To fall in love with yourself, start appreciating everything about you: your eyes, nose, hair, body, your ability to talk well, your ability to help others, the way you make your friends smile…it could be anything. Make a list of all the things you love about yourself that make you proud of yourself. Gradually you’ll find so many things to appreciate about yourself and you’ll be amazed at how special you are. That’s when you won’t ‘need’ anyone else to complete you!

Now that was the first part of detachment, where you become happy even without your boyfriend/girlfriend in your life. There is another part, which is letting go of worrying, over analyzing, doubting or trying to control the manifestation. This happens to most of us and can seem quite difficult to overcome. But it isn’t that difficult in reality. In most cases, when you think about someone just randomly for a while and forget it, chances are more that you bump into that person in a short while. But you think about your lover for over days and weeks, and they seem nowhere around you. The reason is simple, when you thought about that random person, you were not worried about seeing them or not. You did not feel anxious or impatient to see them. You just forgot about them and they appeared in front of you. In case of your lover, you kept thinking about him/her over and over again. When you think with feelings even just once, your desire gets registered. But when you think over and over again, slowly anxiety, impatience, doubt and worry seep in. This blocks your way to manifest. So the best way is to forget about the desire once it is set. Your desire gets registered with the Universe when you set it even once, and by not over-thinking it, you are not even blocking its way.

Now comes the most asked question: I cannot stop thinking about him/her. How can I stop? The answer is simple again: You don’t have to ‘stop’ thinking about him/her. You just have to ‘start’ thinking about other things! Initially its a deliberate action of shifting thoughts, but with practice, it becomes automatic where you no longer think of him/her. You start focusing on other manifestations in your life and totally let go his/her need. That’s when he/she gets attracted back to you.

There is another commonly asked question: How is it possible to visualize/affirm and let go at the same time? By stopping visualizing/affirming am I ruining my manifestation? The answer is, it depends on what you are feeling while visualizing/affirming. If you are visualizing just because you feel happy while doing so and you don’t worry about the manifestation, then you are detached. But if you are feeling ‘By visualizing/affirming I am going to feel good. By feeling good I can supposedly attract him/her back’ then you are again operating from a place of attachment and lack. So you have to stop and shift your thoughts. By stopping visualizations you do not ruin your manifestation because even if you have visualized with feelings once, your desire is set to manifest. However, by visualizing/affirming over and over again from a place of lack, need and attachment, you do ruin your manifestation.

Here is the most important note: STOP WORRYING WHY HE/SHE DID NOT CONTACT YOU. WHEN THEY CONTACT YOU, DON’T ANALYZE WHY THEY SAID OR DID NOT SAY CERTAIN WORDS. WHEN YOU GET THEM BACK DON’T FEEL ANXIOUS THAT THEY MAY LEAVE YOU AGAIN. WHEN THEY ARE WITH YOU, DON’T THINK OF THEIR PAST ACTIONS AND GET FRUSTRATED. FORGIVE AND LOVE THEM COMPLETELY JUST LIKE YOU DO TO YOURSELF :)
Remember, detachment is not being cold, indifferent or uncaring. Detachment is filling yourself with so much peace and love that nothing affects your well being, and which also enables you to spread love and peace wherever you go.

PS. There is much more to discuss detachment. I would have loved to state some real life examples and explain. But the post is really long and can be tedious to read if it gets longer. So I hope we can all take it further from here and I can discuss in more detail :)

angel_star:
Forgot to mention a couple of things:

First is, I have heard people saying 'I had totally let go. But he/she did not contact me. I am so confused'. The thing is, if you are feeling sad/angry/confused,etc that he/she still hasnt contacted you or havent spoken well to you, the you havent' still let go. If you had let go, you wouldn't feel bothered about their reaction or the lack of it in the first place. Once you feel complete in yourself, their reactions don't bother you. Within some time, you'll see progress.

Second is, its important to stop looking for signs. When you look too much for signs, it shows that you do not trust the Universe and you are seeking reinforcements for your faith. This is a feeling of lack. If a sign comes to you by itself to show that you are on right path, celebrate it! But don't depend on signs and get attached to them either. Not worrying about signs is also a part of detachment :)

Moonpetal:
Yes.. A wonderful post and I agree on all you said! Will return to it quite a lot. Thank you!

Moonpetal:
I've read in Hesse's Siddhartha that when you have a goal or a resolution, you must not allow anything which stands in the way get inside you, simply allow for it to come to you and what you said reminded me of that.. Whenever we worry or over-analyze we allow obstacles..

irishgirl69:
This is so well written - thank you.  I agree 100% with everything you've said.

My situation is a little different than a lot of people here in that I was never in a relationship with the guy I want to attract.  We met, there is a connection, but he doesn't want to pursue it at this time.  But I face the same struggles as everyone else - how to keep faith, detach, etc.  I can't say that I'm completely there yet, but there has been a major shift for me recently and I feel like I am well on my way.  I can think about him, acknowledge the current situation as how it needs to be and still feel good in knowing that we will be together.  I can visualize and feel good.  I do often still think about him with the girl he is seeing - even though I see how it fits into the big picture of us being together - and still sometimes feel sad that we are not together right now.

I think what a lot of us here forget is this is a journey.  Many of us have been thinking the way we do and acting the way we do for our entire lives.  Applying LOA, for most people, is a complete change in thinking.  That doesn't happen overnight.  And then when you add in the fact that you want to be with someone specific and your heart is involved - that makes it even more complicated.

I know that I have felt the whole "if I detach and stop thinking about him, visualizing, etc., then how is it going to work" before.  I get it.  It's scary.  You want this person, you have real feelings for them.  It's valid.  But I am definitely at the point now where I can honestly say that it doesn't matter who he is seeing or what he is doing today, that connection is there and he will eventually figure it out.  Feeling that way makes it easy for me to go about my life happy and complete.  I am spending time with friends, working, exercising, singing - all things that make me happy.  I'm not doing them to try and attract him.  I'm doing them for me.  I don't NEED him, I WANT him.  Big difference.  I know what I would add to his life - our current reality doesn't change who I am.  And I know he'll figure it out for himself.

I hope those who are where I was not that long ago can read this post and get there.  It feels so good to not feel this weight on you of not being with the person you care about.  What I feel now is a lightness of knowing who I am, what I have to offer and faith that this man will see the light.

Thank you angel_star for this wonderful article.

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