Detachment and relationships :)

[angel_star]

Hey people! Here is my take on detachment, particularly pertaining to relationships. I will try my best to keep it precise, understandable and practically applicable. Feel free to discuss it further here or PM if need be

To understand what detachment IS, first it is important to understand what detachment ISN’T. Detachment IS NOT giving up, saying ‘I am tired and I don’t care anymore now’ or saying ‘I guess it was never meant to be’. These are not letting go of resistance. These are letting go of the DESIRE ITSELF! Such an attitude will keep your boyfriend/girlfriend even away from you. Detachment is not a state of ‘no desire’ its just a state of ‘no resistance’

So its important to see that detachment doesn’t mean ‘not desiring’ it rather means ‘not worrying or doubting or controlling’. Detachment is a state of being. It’s a state where you do not ‘need’ him/her to complete you. It’s a state of feeling whole by yourself. A state of absolute independence. By ‘independence’ I mean not depending on him/her for your happiness, joy, peace, etc. This takes us to an important question: Is it bad to be interdependent in a relationship by showing care and affection? Of course, its not bad to feel affectionate about someone. Give and take of affection and care are essential to any relationship. But its important to differentiate between affection and attachment. Most people tend to get confused between what they think is affection, but which in reality is attachment. You like another person, care about him/her, feel happy for their successes, etc-this is affection. You get absolutely tensed up when he/she, for whatever reasons, do not talk properly to you once, you feel absolutely powerless without them in your life, you need them to make you happy and you cannot be happy by yourself-this is attachment. The problem is, on the surface, attachment looks like affection. For instance, if you say ‘I love him/her so much that I would not survive without him/her’ it seems like love and affection alright, but if you really mean ‘you cannot survive without him/her’, then you are highly dependent on him/her for your well-being and hence, you are attached.

So how do you let go of that attachment or need? By loving yourself totally, accepting yourself and respecting yourself completely. And most importantly, taking up responsibility for your own feelings and not resting that power in the other person’s hand. This is actually already known. But there is a common mistake people tend to do in this phase. It is this: They love, respect and accept themselves ‘in order to’ attract the other person! So this self-love, self-respect and self-acceptance which are meant to make you feel good turn into efforts for attracting that person. When you do this in order to gain that relationship, in essence you are saying that ‘I do not have that relationship still. So I am going to love myself totally so that I can attract my love’. By doing this, you are focusing on ‘not having the relationship yet’. So you’ll end up attracting more of ‘not having that relationship yet’! If you love yourself as an effort to attract love back, then you haven’t let go at all. True detachment happens when you love yourself because you recognize your worth, because you truly respect yourself, because you feel and know that you are special and unique. You do not love yourself with an agenda to attract someone, you love yourself just because you love yourself! To fall in love with yourself, start appreciating everything about you: your eyes, nose, hair, body, your ability to talk well, your ability to help others, the way you make your friends smile…it could be anything. Make a list of all the things you love about yourself that make you proud of yourself. Gradually you’ll find so many things to appreciate about yourself and you’ll be amazed at how special you are. That’s when you won’t ‘need’ anyone else to complete you!

Now that was the first part of detachment, where you become happy even without your boyfriend/girlfriend in your life. There is another part, which is letting go of worrying, over analyzing, doubting or trying to control the manifestation. This happens to most of us and can seem quite difficult to overcome. But it isn’t that difficult in reality. In most cases, when you think about someone just randomly for a while and forget it, chances are more that you bump into that person in a short while. But you think about your lover for over days and weeks, and they seem nowhere around you. The reason is simple, when you thought about that random person, you were not worried about seeing them or not. You did not feel anxious or impatient to see them. You just forgot about them and they appeared in front of you. In case of your lover, you kept thinking about him/her over and over again. When you think with feelings even just once, your desire gets registered. But when you think over and over again, slowly anxiety, impatience, doubt and worry seep in. This blocks your way to manifest. So the best way is to forget about the desire once it is set. Your desire gets registered with the Universe when you set it even once, and by not over-thinking it, you are not even blocking its way.

Now comes the most asked question: I cannot stop thinking about him/her. How can I stop? The answer is simple again: You don’t have to ‘stop’ thinking about him/her. You just have to ‘start’ thinking about other things! Initially its a deliberate action of shifting thoughts, but with practice, it becomes automatic where you no longer think of him/her. You start focusing on other manifestations in your life and totally let go his/her need. That’s when he/she gets attracted back to you.

There is another commonly asked question: How is it possible to visualize/affirm and let go at the same time? By stopping visualizing/affirming am I ruining my manifestation? The answer is, it depends on what you are feeling while visualizing/affirming. If you are visualizing just because you feel happy while doing so and you don’t worry about the manifestation, then you are detached. But if you are feeling ‘By visualizing/affirming I am going to feel good. By feeling good I can supposedly attract him/her back’ then you are again operating from a place of attachment and lack. So you have to stop and shift your thoughts. By stopping visualizations you do not ruin your manifestation because even if you have visualized with feelings once, your desire is set to manifest. However, by visualizing/affirming over and over again from a place of lack, need and attachment, you do ruin your manifestation.

Here is the most important note: STOP WORRYING WHY HE/SHE DID NOT CONTACT YOU. WHEN THEY CONTACT YOU, DON’T ANALYZE WHY THEY SAID OR DID NOT SAY CERTAIN WORDS. WHEN YOU GET THEM BACK DON’T FEEL ANXIOUS THAT THEY MAY LEAVE YOU AGAIN. WHEN THEY ARE WITH YOU, DON’T THINK OF THEIR PAST ACTIONS AND GET FRUSTRATED. FORGIVE AND LOVE THEM COMPLETELY JUST LIKE YOU DO TO YOURSELF
Remember, detachment is not being cold, indifferent or uncaring. Detachment is filling yourself with so much peace and love that nothing affects your well being, and which also enables you to spread love and peace wherever you go.

PS. There is much more to discuss detachment. I would have loved to state some real life examples and explain. But the post is really long and can be tedious to read if it gets longer. So I hope we can all take it further from here and I can discuss in more detail

[angel_star]

Forgot to mention a couple of things:

First is, I have heard people saying 'I had totally let go. But he/she did not contact me. I am so confused'. The thing is, if you are feeling sad/angry/confused,etc that he/she still hasnt contacted you or havent spoken well to you, the you havent' still let go. If you had let go, you wouldn't feel bothered about their reaction or the lack of it in the first place. Once you feel complete in yourself, their reactions don't bother you. Within some time, you'll see progress.

Second is, its important to stop looking for signs. When you look too much for signs, it shows that you do not trust the Universe and you are seeking reinforcements for your faith. This is a feeling of lack. If a sign comes to you by itself to show that you are on right path, celebrate it! But don't depend on signs and get attached to them either. Not worrying about signs is also a part of detachment

[Moonpetal]

Yes.. A wonderful post and I agree on all you said! Will return to it quite a lot. Thank you!

[Moonpetal]

I've read in Hesse's Siddhartha that when you have a goal or a resolution, you must not allow anything which stands in the way get inside you, simply allow for it to come to you and what you said reminded me of that.. Whenever we worry or over-analyze we allow obstacles..

[irishgirl69]

This is so well written - thank you.  I agree 100% with everything you've said.

My situation is a little different than a lot of people here in that I was never in a relationship with the guy I want to attract.  We met, there is a connection, but he doesn't want to pursue it at this time.  But I face the same struggles as everyone else - how to keep faith, detach, etc.  I can't say that I'm completely there yet, but there has been a major shift for me recently and I feel like I am well on my way.  I can think about him, acknowledge the current situation as how it needs to be and still feel good in knowing that we will be together.  I can visualize and feel good.  I do often still think about him with the girl he is seeing - even though I see how it fits into the big picture of us being together - and still sometimes feel sad that we are not together right now.

I think what a lot of us here forget is this is a journey.  Many of us have been thinking the way we do and acting the way we do for our entire lives.  Applying LOA, for most people, is a complete change in thinking.  That doesn't happen overnight.  And then when you add in the fact that you want to be with someone specific and your heart is involved - that makes it even more complicated.

I know that I have felt the whole "if I detach and stop thinking about him, visualizing, etc., then how is it going to work" before.  I get it.  It's scary.  You want this person, you have real feelings for them.  It's valid.  But I am definitely at the point now where I can honestly say that it doesn't matter who he is seeing or what he is doing today, that connection is there and he will eventually figure it out.  Feeling that way makes it easy for me to go about my life happy and complete.  I am spending time with friends, working, exercising, singing - all things that make me happy.  I'm not doing them to try and attract him.  I'm doing them for me.  I don't NEED him, I WANT him.  Big difference.  I know what I would add to his life - our current reality doesn't change who I am.  And I know he'll figure it out for himself.

I hope those who are where I was not that long ago can read this post and get there.  It feels so good to not feel this weight on you of not being with the person you care about.  What I feel now is a lightness of knowing who I am, what I have to offer and faith that this man will see the light.

Thank you angel_star for this wonderful article.

[Sneha]

Hey angel_star,thanks for such a nice post.More than giving thanks, I would say , I respect you for putting these things together for all of us.A lot of effort on your part, and that too to bring a positive impact .

My two cents to this would be as follows:

 Sometimes past incidents are buried deep inside the subconscious, we only realize them when we have decided things to "Let them be", but then -- when nothing happens, a negative chatter begins in the mind ,making it to believe that nothing good is happening citing those examples from the past.So we should identify all those things , list them and burn them \ forgive them completely to make things manifest easily and kill all the mental  roadblocks.
eg :" He did not visit me" is still present in the subconscious, but we have decided things to let be their way.Now for days when nothing happens, the mind starts to say , he dint come to visit me then,and not is happening now also.So it is important to get rid of such limiting believes which are even remotely connected.
Some times, our believes are interdependent.I might not have forgiven a friend for something he \ she did years back ,so when i encounter a similar situation in life again,my attitude and vibration remains same, of not forgiving.Had we forgiven some body then, our reaction to this later situation would be different, a more positive one.
So it's all a process.I hope this makes sense.

[Sneha]

well said Irishgirl69 -it feels so good to not take that weight on.It is a self decided and attained freedom.Freedom to breathe peacefully, live peacefully and sleep peacefully, without  any mind bugging in the back drop.

[Monica Vijay]

Thanks a ton for starting such a thread Shravya.. im lovin' it so much.. love..

@irishgirl: well I could see myself in u.. our situations are very similar.. whatever u say for urself is also for me..

And so after reading the initial post and comparing myself & my current reality with it I could say for sure that I've truly LET GO.. but I need some clarification though.. I no longer feel needy for him.. I no longer feel bad that we're not in contact with each other.. and I've forgiven him completely for all the hurt he gave me.. and also my sister who was the root cause for all this.. i don't hold any revenge on her and i didn't also curse her.. I just forgave both.. I don't do any visualization, affirmations or anything else in order to attract him.. I have immense faith on my higher self that he will make a way for me.. i don't ask for signs but im provided with signs daily.. to sum up all Im enjoying my life by myself and with what all that im given NOW and i dont even feel his absence.. but one thing is I at times feel something from my heart from him.. i cant define exactly what it is.. i start to cry thinking of him and the good times, the care, the affection we once shared.. i'll get worried as of why did he do that to me though i didn't do anything wrong.. it lasts only for some time..

He’s there in my daily prayers.. I pray to God to keep him happy, safe & healthy where ever he is.. I feel that he miss and feel my absence.. and I believe that some day he’ll realize his mistake and apologize to me.. im sure I’d give him a love life far more than he’d have ever thought of.. my love for him is still the same and didn’t vanish.. I love him no matter what.. but I don’t want to give him the power anymore to control my emotions.. also im not attached to him.. im already complete with myself..

What else do I need to do? Or need not do? Am I on the right track? any thoughts??

[Iron Ur]

one of the best things to do...

that stops you from thinking worringing thoughts.

increases your vibration/ get your in a higher frequency.

allows you to detach.

and gets rid of resistance, doubts and fears among other things.

and much more...

is to live in the moment, live in the NOW. I heard that so many times watching that video by deepak chopra and I never got it until recently.

and Angel is definetly right, don't detach/live in the now as a means to an end. because you can't half way detach. you either are detached or your not.

[lashark]

Im not sure if I am detattched. I like that my first natural reaction to this, (after loving everything you wrote) was "I dont care if I am detattched or not because Ive been feeling really good".

Today I woke up and I feel his presence. I feel like he is here with me, Ive never felt this before. Its interesting to say the least. I know I have detattched before on many things. Its part of every manifestation that you attract on purpose. Not just relationships. Im not sure if I have with my manifestations involving Bundy. But like I said I really have been feeling good. I made the decision a loooong time ago that I would rather be happy above all else. I think that is when you truly decide to do "the work". There came a point where I said "Ugh I dont care about this anymore I just want to be happy!" That was when I gave up on trying to control the situation. Its been gradual getting to this point but I really like where I am. I like that when I think of him it is pure love and apprecation for who he is as a human being. I like being by myself and thinking about stuff that feels good. I like aligning myself with things. I just really really am liking myself and where I am right now. I like being who I am. These are the things I know for sure. Detattchment, Im not sure... and to be really honest, at this moment I dont even care : ) 

Sometimes I get a good feeling : ) =

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xUT_Zl0EpdM

This was a beautiful post thanks for sharing : )

[Sneha]

Lashark - I feel you are detached, all in a good way.

I also get the feeling of being with him, though I stumble at times. , but  I appreciate myself and love my life .

[OmAumOm]

"When the universe is in the process of working things out for the realization of your intention, there might be things that happen which make it seem as though things are not working out. It is your expectation of how things should happen that makes you think that things are not working out. But actually you are not seeing the whole picture, because what you are seeing is only a piece of the larger scheme of events where everything is really working out the way it should." (found here: http://www.mindreality.com/manifest-desires-freely-by-having-no-expectations I think we can all agree that the mindreality archive is full of gems  )

A very important thing about detachment is to realise that no matter what happens, it's happening for a reason which leads you to your desired outcome! So even if your ex moves overseas, or you move overseas, or they get with someone else, or any circumstance or situation that comes up even if it seems undesirable at the time - not being bothered by these circumstances shows detachment because we know that it'll come eventually and we can get on with our lives and not worry about it because we know that everything is in divine order and divine timing. Sit back and enjoy the ride and don't worry 

[Sneha]

Found this link abut detachment :

http://www.joyngratefulmind.com/how-to-easily-manifest-your-dreams-through-the-law-of-detachment.html

Hope it helps all power attractors

[angel_star]

I had written a long post addressing Monica but before I could save it or post it, my system went off! I can't remember what exactly I had written, so sorry Monica, but I am going to tell you the bottom line of what I wanted to say. If you feel 'Why did he do this to me though I have never done anything wrong' you have still not detached fully. You feel that he has hurt you though you havent done anything wrong. This means that you are resting the power to hurt you in his hands. If you feel victimized and wronged, you cannot feel detached because you'll get those painful thoughts in the way. Its good that you have been able to forgive him and your sister, but along with that you also have to acknowledge that only you can create/attract things in your life, and it was you who attracted the negative behaviour from your guy in the past. Just acknowledge that and forgive yourself too, for attracting it in the first place. Now that you know that you are only responsible for all your experiences, you should feel powerful rather than feeling victimized. Feel powerful because since you attracted negativity in the past, you can definitely attract positivity in the present. He is not responsible for your feelings, only you are. This realization takes the power from his hands and restores it into yours. You'll realize that you no longer need to worry about the past because it was just your own creation, so you can definitely change it. With this powerful state of mind, you can find self-confidence and you'll see yourself in a much better place. Now just stop thinking that he did anything wrong to you. Instead promise yourself that you'll never again feel like a victim. Know that no one can hurt you without your consent. Feel at peace with yourself and with life. You'll detach without any effort

PS. I just realized that what I have written now is more precise and apt. Now I see why I lost the previous one. Everything happens for a reason!

[angel_star]

Sneha, Irishgirl, Iron Ur: Thanks a lot for your contribution. It was really helpful and made a lot of sense. I am sure many people will benefit from your posts

Lashark: Actually even I feel you are detached. All that matters is you feel happy and peaceful without getting hung up about why's, how's, when's etc of your desire. You are already in that state, so its really great Its only a matter of time before you manifest that perfect relationship. Enjoy and have fun, like you have already been doing! Lots of love to you <3