Another angry day, why won't this stop??

[gogetter]

I just can't stop feeling angry!!! I try and try and try to write out positive affirmations and stare at my vision board and stay positive but everything is going downhill!!!

I know, I know, the more I say it is going downhill the more that is what I will attract but honestly I do not say that all the time, this is the first time I have voiced it and here I sit bawling again because of all the pain thrown at me constantly.

I care for my 88 year old mother and lately she has been really mean to me. She is an angry elderly person for lots of reasons but it hurts me to be called stupid and idiot and argued with over any decision I want to make. She blames me for so much and today she started on me again and I wish now I had walked away but I got defensive (my usual stance with her) and then it escalates and for the rest of the day she slammed doors and stomped around and was really unpleasant, even to the children. And when I tried to talk to her about it hours later she claimed it was all me and I had been rude and horrible to her and treated HER so badly. I tried to remind her of the things she said and she called me a liar. I finally said ok I guess you are right I am a liar, it was all me. She said finally you speak the truth! But I wasn't! I just wanted it to STOP!!!!!!

I then got a call from the ex and that went badly too. Name calling, threats, freaking out...from both of us, I got so worked up and so angry again!! I ended up writing a letter to him after he hung up on me (I HATE IT WHEN HE HANGS UP ON ME as it makes me feel powerless) telling him I would not talk to him again until he showed he was off drugs, paying regular child support and in some therapy. I will mail it tomorrow and maybe I can really try and put him behind me. But it leaves me so angry.

I just do not know how to get rid of the anger! The kids were misbehaving, which is no surprise with the amount of anger all over the place today. My mother said it was all my fault and had i not belittled her in front of them, they would be fine. Which I did NOT!!!!! So then I got mad at the kids and yelled at them and made them go to bed and they cried and screamed angrily at me that i was a mean mother. That made me feel even worse.

so basically every member of my household AND my ex who is not even here, ALL are blaming me, hating me and kicking the shit out of me verbally.

I do not know how to feel better. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't seem to function.

I have been mad at myself too for how lazy I am. Which my mother reminds me of constantly. And that makes me not want to do dishes or do laundry or clean my house even more. I just want to sit and stare at the computer or my vision board and feel no motivation to do anything else. I don't want to be this way but I feel like I am in quicksand and sinking fast.

[judasentinel]

This must be a very challenging situation to be in. Can you see any opportunity in this to learn any lesson? Do you see something that you have learned about yourself in all of this?

Honestly, screw the vision board and the LoA for a second. What common thread can you see in all of the challenges that you are facing? Can you see something or someone being the common factor?

[gogetter]

And...I also wanted to say I beat myself up internally constantly, probably every day, for how much MORE I feel I should be doing for my kids. I feel I do not do enough, I do not provide a clean enough home, or enough time with ME. I barely get through each day right now.

They have no real life. They don't leave the house hardly ever, we are just here in these walls with no one else in our lives. No friends here. Hated by everyone at the school so I am homeschooling now. Or I was. For the last couple of weeks it is just home and no school. I gave up. now they just stay in pjs all the time and watch tv. I have zero motivation and hate myself for it.

The fight with my mum is about me wanting to take them to a new school, an alternative school. It is a 45 min bus ride away though, whereas the other school was only a 10 min walk. But I am considered a pariah there. So my mum screams at me that "you'll NEVER do it! why would you think you could? How stupid of you to think you could lug all 3 kids every single day on a bus and hang around all day with the baby while the other 2 are in school? dont be so stupid, sometimes i wonder what is wrong with your brain!! And what about ME?? You can't leave me alone all day too!! If you try and attempt taking them to that school I am cutting you off! That is too stupid for words! You disgust me! Get away from me and don't come near me again! EVER!" That is what she had to say about it.

I told her I wanted the best for them and if it meant a bus every day and getting up at 5am then i would do it, i would, i can! But she snarls, you never will! And if you do, it will be for 5 minutes and then you will have started and stopped yet another thing in your life! You are worthless!! And don't try and tell me you are doing it for the kids...this is all for YOU because YOU don't want to go back to the local school and suckk it up and get on with it! All you ever think about is yourself and what YOU want, never anyone else!

And now I sit here questioning myself and wondering if I should just suck it up and take him back to the local school. Where me and my son were never welcomed, never wanted and bullied by kids and parents who were crazy. And why? To make a VERY long story short: I live in a very posh area and I was the ONLY single mother on welfare there using all those rich people's tax dollars. That is what it came down to, and I still have not gotten over all the terrible things that happened there because of the hatred and judgements cast on me that I spoke up loudly about and made a big stink about.

Yet another reason for my mum to say, "you always fight with everyone and now you have destroyed yet another school experience for your child!"

[gogetter]

There must be a common thread...to so many situations I keep repeating and now that I am the most alone I have ever been in my life (I seriously only have ONE friend left after dropping piles of people, even people I talked to daily) and I thought that was fine and good since all the people I had been close to had no real support or love for me, only criticism and negativity. It seems to be all I can attract and after today I want to stay in my room and not come out because even one step outside of my room now is causing me pain. I just want to crawl under a rock.

[judasentinel]

People are trying to get a reaction out of you. And you are giving them exactly what they want. Are you now able to see the common factor? It is always always always YOU. YOU are the ONLY real common factor between all your problems. Ever wondered why? I feel it is because there is something in YOU that is inviting certain behaviors of others. If you see, there is a pattern here. Can anyone else also see that? Or am I too fucked up in the head to see it differently?

Im not chastising you. I'm merely pointing out an observation that perhaps YOU are causing this all to evolve in an undesirable way. Have you EVER in your life looked down upon people who live all their lives on welfare/social services? What do you think of people who are very rich? Do you like the idea of being a pariah........does it fascinate you in any way? What was YOUR reasoning to move to such a small community? What is your hobby or passion? Does it involve working with others or does it involve doing something on your own? I can see some patterns here.........

Maybe we can thrash this out........

PS: I am inclined to see your 88 yr young mom as your 4th child and nothing more or less......

[gogetter]

Thanks for being there for me and I appreciate it, and don't see it as chastising. I like that you want to get to the bottom of it, which I really would too.

Yes, I have lived most of my life looking down at people on welfare because of the disgusting behaviours that I grew up witnessing from people in my own family who abused and used the system. And my whole young life my mother would talk down about the family who were in the lowrentals and not doing anything with their lives beyond teen pregnancies, smoking dope, cigs, drinking, partying and always having an excuse for it. That is what I lived growing up. And I was made to feel superior because we did not stoop to that behaviour and we owned our house and we were clean and behaved properly.

I guess I feel now that even though I am on welfare, that the fault of my poor choice of a husband who won't provide for us as he should. And I won't go to work because 1.my mother would flip out at being left alone all day and 2.I just don't agree with anyone else raising my kids but me. I always saw it as a stop-gap to get by with until they are all in school full time, I never thought of myself as being a low life or gross, etc for getting welfare. I just see it as the govt paying my wage as a parent. For now.

But the judgements cast at me in this new community were more than I could take! No matter how high quality my clothes are, or my appearance, my intelligence and the way I carry myself and the very posh home we are renting, despite all of that, I was still looked down on. And what made it worse was because I come across as so well put together and have this gorgeous home, etc, it made the rich WORKING people here, very angry at me. And they said during many heated times how DARE I take my kids to a movie or a special concert on THEIR tax dollars!

I don't have any bad judgements towards rich people though,and I act like one myself. And that just served to piss alot of people off. Anyone who came to visit me for playdates would marvel at my ocean view (which none of them had in their homes which they WORK their fingers to the bone to pay for) but later threw it in my face, like how DARE she have a house like that and live on our tax dollars!!

And yes, I do like the IDEA of being the outspoken pariah but not the reality. It is very hard for me to hold my tongue though if I feel something is done that makes kids or adults feel like they are less than worthy. And then I fight, and I write complaint letters or go above people's heads to try and take action and it makes alot of people really angry at me. But I get so steamed up....

I have always lived in a small community since having kids because I was raised semi rural and it was so nice to have 2 acres to play in and I want that for my kids too. We had been living elsewhere, another small place but we left it and chose this new one based on the house we found which has a downstairs suite for my mum and amazing ocean views...which is important for my mum since she is a shut in. Last time she left the house to go to town was August.  And you are right, she is like another child. And so was my husband. I yearn to have someone care for me.

But now we are shut-ins too....

[judasentinel]

Study the 6 human needs that are the basis of all human desire. At least three of them are ego-centric and the other three are/could be true self-motivated

1. Certainty - safety, security
2. Uncertainty - thrill, drama, scandal, excitement, adventure
3. Significance - feeling worthy, important, significant

4. Love/connection - feeling loved, connected, a sense of belonging
5. Growth - experiencing improvement, change for the better
6. Contribution - making a difference

If there is anything or anyone that satisfies any three or more of the above needs, you will be addicted to that thing or person. It doesn't have to be all positive though....even a low quality way of being abused will satisfy the need of feeling significant and give the certainty of knowing the outcome of abuse. A lot many of us choose to settle for low-quality ways of satisfying these needs and therefore attract experiences and people who do that, albeit in a less-than-desirable way, simply because it is easier and familiar territory.

Think about it............

[gogetter]

Those are great and make a lot of sense. But how do I apply that knowledge to what is happening with me right now? How do I use that to make things better?

[judasentinel]

Im sorry for your situation the way it is but it seems you are perpetuating it. I see your finger pointed outward towards others in every situation. And herein lies the conundrum. THEY are the ones doing it to you. THEY are the ones causing you trouble. Yet, THEY are beyond your control.

Reverse it now. YOU are the one allowing it to happen to you. YOU are the one being troubled. Yet, YOU are also the one who is WITHIN your control.

Who are you choosing to focus on........you or them? It seems to me that it may be a case of ME AGAINST THE REST OF THE WORLD for you. Is that a fair assessment? Do you feel like that? If you do, take heart.........you're not alone. But you're also the one responsible to end this war.

First of all..........TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR WHAT YOURE EXPERIENCING. Responsibility simply means 'response - ability' - having the ability to respond. And you do have that, in an effective manner.

You may want to identify what NEEDS each of these people are satisfying for you. In case of your mum, I can clearly see she is feeding your need for certainty, uncertainty and significance. All three stem from ego. And all three are being satisfied in a low-quality way. Do you know why? Because YOU are not able to find empowering ways to satisfy them. Your need for certainty is of security and safety, which you have less of. So you are unconsciously looking for ANY which way that you can have some sort of certainty in your life, even if it is the certainty of knowing that your mum WILL behave a certain negative way or that your community will shit on you, etc.. Do you see how that comes into play? It is all stemming from your beliefs about yourself and life in general.

For uncertainty, you see yourself surrounded by new drama every day. That is the excitement, the thrill, the unexpected soap opera happening around you that gives you the rush in a negative way and you dont even know it.

Significance may be playing out by you feeling important enough by others to put you down. If NO ONE cared for you, threw you in a corner and left you to rot, you would be devastated. What does a child do when you ignore her? She screams to get your attention. Same with you right now. You may not realize it, but maybe you LIKE to be noticed for how you are, what you say and what you stand for and if people dont notice it or appreciate it, you get angry, ornery and upset. And then you might lash out to get attention. We all do that. And we do that because we experienced rejection thru the hands of those who were not supposed to reject us. But fuck the past!! Its dead and buried and is just a story. There is no power in it anymore. Its a thought and you're giving it your power.

.........I should take my own advice sometimes..........my verbal diarrhea needs to be constipated now. Its not my place as it is, to pass judgment on you. I have nothing more to say since I might end up saying words that sting. I never said things to hurt the one I loved the most......why would I do that to a complete stranger like you who I have no attachment to........so now, I shut up and let others add in.

[Ginny]

Study the 6 human needs that are the basis of all human desire. At least three of them are ego-centric and the other three are/could be true self-motivated

1. Certainty - safety, security
2. Uncertainty - thrill, drama, scandal, excitement, adventure
3. Significance - feeling worthy, important, significant

4. Love/connection - feeling loved, connected, a sense of belonging
5. Growth - experiencing improvement, change for the better
6. Contribution - making a difference

If there is anything or anyone that satisfies any three or more of the above needs, you will be addicted to that thing or person.

Baphomet - this is a completely serious question but: where does physical attraction come into this equation? Intense sexual attraction for example might be described as "thrill", but doesn't fall under the broader heading of "uncertainty" and isn't necessarily "Love / connection" either.

I'm just curious. There are also some people that I find physically soothing - their presence is like being hugged - I guess that kind of physical attraction would come under your fourth point, but I'm not sure where a sexual one would come (and those are pretty powerful too!)


gogetter - often when I read your posts, I really wish you wouldn't be so hard on yourself. Can you allow yourself to be human? Because none of us are perfect, we can only try our best. I'm not feeling very eloquent today, so I may come back later if I can think of something more useful to say. You might find "Awareness" by Anthony de Mello a useful read. He sometimes gets a bit harnaging and on his high horse, but he also has a lot of useful things to say about our relationships with other people and how to stop them affecting our self esteem.

[soda]

Hi gogetter,

If you keep focusing on you and your problems you will never be able to get out of your problems.

About 3yrs ago i had a lot of problems with others. Even with my friends.

I thought i was always right and others were wrong. I wanted others to respect me,love me . Even Becoz i thought i was perfect. I expect too much from the others. So everyday my relationships were going downhill. I didn't see anyway i can get out of that hell. Becoz i was so unhappy coz my mood was always depends on what others did to me.

One day after a huge dissapointment i wanted to change my life. I was fed up with all those  sort of problems.

So after that when ever something happend to me i started thinking like "It might not his/her fault.  It could be my fault". I started practicing this.

After a few weeks later i realized i was responsible for those bad thinks happend to me.

I stoped expecting others to do good things to me all the time.
I stoped expecting others to say sweet things to me all the time.
I stoped expecting others to respect me all the time.
I stoped finding others faults.

It really worked. Now i have a very smooth and good relationship with my friends, family,with everybody. Now i'm happy. Everybody loves me.
They always used to say i have a kind heart.

But still i don't expect too much from others.

When ever bad thing happen to me i know i'm responsible. So no need to worry about
others and situations. I keep searching the solution within me.

I'm proud to say now i have only my internal problems. Therefore i know there is a way out.

Just think about it.

Good Luck
soda

[loveofabundance]

@gogetter, listen to baphomet.  He's giving you good advice.  You're always blaming others in your posts and playing the role of victim.  Gogetters are resilient and accept responsibility for their own actions.  They look for and find the best in others and themselves.
 
A man stood at the entrance to a small town.  a traveler approached.
 
Traveler:  what are the people like in this town?
 
Man:  what were they like in the town you just left?
 
Traveler:  They were terrible!  They were mean, gossipy, judgemental, negative, vindictive to say the least.
 
Man:  You'll find the people in this town to be the same way.
 
Later in the day, the man is approached by a second traveler.
 
Traveler 2:  what are the people like in this town?
 
Man:  what were they like in the town you just left?
 
Traveler 2:  They were wonderful!  They were kind, honest, tolerant, compassionate to say the least.
 
 
Man:  You'll find the people in this town to be the same way.
 

[57angel]

Gogetter, good advice were posted here in your thread, listen to them. I can understand fully well the situation you are into, it seems that heaven and earth is pricking you. I have had failures as well in my relationships that made me decide, this has to end, because I already hate the feeling of being unhappy. One thing that I realized that helped me most, is when I know the importance of TAKING RESPONSIBILITY in all of my actions that made my past boyfriends to react and thus rejected me. When I look at inwards on the reasons of my failed relationships, I can now understand why they reacted that way. I also discovered that there are things that I needed to change, needed to add and needed to delete, and now I am working it out for me to become the best friend and the best wife for my future husband . Now, I can already tell the world, I have never been this happy since the time I took responsibility for my actions and the way how I perceived and look at situations. The fact that you are here in this forum is already a very good start for you. Listen to the advice from positive thinkers and LOA practitioners here, they have good insights to share with you. Research on EFt and Subliminal Blaster, continue your affirmations and identify your limiting beliefs and take steps to delete them in your subconscious mind so you will not attract those that you dont want.Take steps, though how little steps they are, am sure it will lead you to being a happier you. Always know that you do deserve all the love and the happiness in this life

[Ginny]

To be fair to gogetter though, it can be very difficult to stop thinking negatively, even when you know it is the right thing to do. That was part of why I posted that "letting go" thread - even when you know it works, for some reason it can be hard to do.

And this is part of why I often tell people to be easier on themselves. I think people who are tough on themselves are often really tough on others. btw, I'm not saying that your ex- doesn't deserve toughness gogetter! - but rather that focussing on his negative qualities is not helping get you where you need to be. So, if you can understand other people and not have expectations of them, you are less likely to be hurt by their actions. And I think that understanding needs to start with yourself - stop beating yourself up and blaming yourself, and it's easier to stop blaming others, and then you get into a positive spiral of improvement. It really does work, I know from experience.

I partially agree with the allegory given by loveofabundance and partially don't. I've moved halfway across the world, and have discovered that people really are very different in different parts of the world. Thai people in particular are amongst the loveliest people I have ever met - it really struck me when I went there, I wished everyone all around the world could be like that - so there's an instance where neither I nor my expectations of people changed (I really had no idea they were so lovely before I went there), but my perception changed. But still, even interactions with really negative people can be improved through observation and trying to expand your understanding.

Also, people often live up to your expectations. It's best to focus on what you want to happen, rather than on what you don't want to happen. It really does work, if you can remember to do it. Protect yourself and your children as you need to, but never lose sight of what you want, rather than always worrying about what you don't want.

[gogetter]

I don't understand. I don't want the drama and the strife in my life, I really don't! If I did I wouldn't have walked away from it all and isolated myself in my home!! If I wanted conflict with my mum I wouldn't be walking on eggshells all the time and always trying to do better with her and be better.

Now I get it if this is a subconscious thing within me maybe that wants strife and wants constant battling and drama, but I have been trying my damndest to do the right thing and walk away from anything like that. Every day I try so hard. But it won't seem to be better.

I don't understand how to take responsibility more than I already have been. I just don't. I don't know what else to do.