Abraham Hicks, on ending relationships, why it feels so bad to be left

[Katie]

Ending Relationship
a message from Abraham channeled by Esther and Jerry Hicks

Abraham: Why is it hard to end a relationship and why is it especially hard to be the one who is left behind? Well most relationships when they end, the one who is leaving the one who is being left is usually doing quite of bit of justifying why the one who is leaving is leaving.

So the one who is left is being explained to that they are being left because they are inappropriate in this way, inappropriate in this way, and inappropriate in this way. And you just can't listen to a dialogue that speaks contrary to what your Inner Being knows to be true and feel good at the same time.

Now if two people are having a relationship and they are both forward looking and they are going to the future rather than pushing from the past, it's conceivable that relationships could evolve and change without anybody getting their feelings hurt.

But most people don't make a change without pushing against what is. Isn't that interesting? That would be like driving down the freeway and saying I'm going here because I can't stand here. Well that isn't true. Usually when you're driving, you're going someplace you're not usually fleeing from something unless it's the hurricane in Florida. In other words, you're going to where you're going. If you could adopt that with relationships things could feel better.

We would like to say to all of you that we would like you to stop feeling uncomfortable about evolving in your relationships. We would also like you to leave behind the feeling that you have to justify why you're going. That comes in large part because there are so many people who are aware of you in your relationship who are not in the relationship with you. Who have opinions about you in the relationship. In other words, family & friends are often aware of you in your relationships. And they have developed this picture of you in your relationship which you try to live up to, even though it's a different picture from a lot of different places.

And so when you decide that you would feel better someplace else, usually you get in this very defensive justifying mode where you have to activate all of the reasons why you don't want to be here in order to justify going over there. But what happens is all that does is activate all this cross current in you.

You want something different than you have but you activate what you have which just splits your energy and makes you less effective. And then those who watch you can see that your life seems to be disintegrating and then they will announce to you "I don't think you're making a good choice because you don't seem as happy as I've seen you before." And what you want to say is "I'm not happy because I'm trying to please all of you and it isn't possible. If I could just do what feels best for me to do without having to justify why I'm doing it my energy would be clearer and I would feel a lot better. And my future relationship would come faster, and I would continue to thrive."

Question: Why does it have the ability to throw your energy off so much, make you lose faith?

Answer: When someone disapproves of you? When someone decides that they want something other than to be in a relationship with you? Why does it make you lose confidence in yourself?

Question: Energetically why does it have the ability to throw your energy off so much?

Answer: Well it wouldn't if you had learned before that happened how to align with your own source.

See with most people, when someone adores you, in their appreciation of you, they are in alignment with source energy and they are flooding it all over you. And since it is activated in them, they are activating it in you, so you got this really good thing going. But then as you become dependent on their appreciation of you in order to feel that way, when they withdraw their appreciation of you and you haven't learned to connect to that source energy yourself, you feel like a puppet that someone has let go of the strings.

And so if you're a confident person, you've shown yourself that you're free no matter what anyone else thinks, that you can feel good no matter what is happening around you. If you've been practicing that unconditional love that says I'm gonna feel good because I want to feel good, I'm gonna scramble around and find something by darn that's gonna make me feel good, even in a field of things that don't feel so good, I'm gonna find something that makes me feel good because my connection to source matters to me more than all things put together then nothing that anybody else could ever do could set you off your game.

But most people don't learn that. You're born into families where parents teach you right away that our happiness matters more than yours. They teach you right away "don't pay any attention to your guidance, you're small, you're stupid, and you don't know what you're doing and we've been around a long time and we've had all the hard knocks and we know where the bumps in the road are, and we'll guide you. So disregard what you feel and do what we say." And they say no one said it was gonna be fair. [Abraham did.] And they say no one said it was supposed to be fun. [Abraham did.]

nd no one said that life is just. [Abraham did.] But your parents are interested in converting you or getting you to conform to something they think will feel best to them. And then they hand you off to the school, to the church, to bodies of people who consistently convince you that you need to do what will make them feel better about you and it's no wonder you lose your own guidance, you see. And since you've been looking toward what others think, you've been trained to do that for a very long time, that you just transfer that mantle to your newest love. You say I care so much about how you feel about me that I will disregard how I feel. Then that one, being the fickle one that one always is, lets you down every single time.

We do not know of anyone who has the ability to consistently hold you as their object of attention that could even come close to your connection to source energy. They're gonna let you down every single time, you see.

That's why in the therapist's office there's all this talk about how my mother did this, or my daughter did this, or my father did this. Everybody's blaming everybody else for their own insecurity.

And we just gotta say that you're insecure because you didn't decide to be secure. You're not strong because you decided somebody else was stronger and made you weak. You don't feel good because you didn't insist on feeling good.

And then you didn't practice it, and then you say : "You hurt my feelings." And we would get in a place where our feelings would be `unhurtable'. We'd get in a place where we were so capable of connecting to source energy that it wouldn't matter what somebody else was doing. So if somebody's not connected to source energy, and so their not holding me as their object of attention which used to feel good and now doesn't feel so good, we wouldn't lose our grip, we wouldn't lose our place because we're connected to source energy. And then we'd be like the strong one on the trail, who could give them the hand up if they needed it.

Question. So how would you do that because it seems some people are better at some stressful events and other people are better at other stressful events? So it's not a deeper issue that I might be better at other stressful events in my life and not be able to handle something like this very well? Not get thrown off my energy in this circumstance.

Answer. Well you're right. If you have not shown yourself that you can line up with what feels good under any condition, then we know when something devastating like that happens, it's unlikely for you , now in the midst of this, to use this opportunity to line up.

Sometimes people say , "Abraham, I've jumped out of an airplane and I'm at 40 thousand feet without a parachute, what should I do?" We say, "Hang on ,it will be over soon." There's enough momentum going that sometimes you just have to ride it out. But the resources of who you are, are so powerful that we know that eventually something will happen that will help you reconnect.

And so what we always tell people, who are new to this work, don't take the issue that is the most difficult and start with that. Start with easier things. Show yourself on subjects that you don't feel so lost in that you have the ability to feel better. So now what we're saying to you is don't try to jump all the way from despair up into the relief of appreciation. That's too big of a jump on this issue. Just do your best to find something that feels a little better. What might feel better to you might be anger. You might say, hey I put a lot into this relationship and I did my best. And I was honest every step along the way and I don't deserve this. And even though it doesn't make the person come back, you do feel better. That's the answer to your question. You've got to find a thought that causes a vibration within you that gives you a feeling of relief which is the releasing of resistance. But most importantly you've got to acknowledge, I found this thought deliberately, and I do feel better in finding it. I don't plan on staying here in my feeling of revenge or hatred, but I gotta tell you it sure feels better than abandonment. It sure feels better than unworthiness. It sure feels better than that powerless feeling that I can't guide my own life and that something I really really want I have no control about. It sure does feel better.

That's what someone leaving you in a relationship, that's the greatest damage that it does. It says to you that you want something that you can't have. You want something you can't control. Is there anything that makes you feel more powerless than to want something that another person has a say in, and their not in agreement with you? So what we want you to understand is that they might have a say in whether they stay with you or not, but they don't have a say in how you feel about it.

You have the ability to work it around in a way that makes you feel better. When you do, what begins to happen is you radiate this sense of who you are which then attracts somebody who appreciates this sense of who you are. So you just beat the drum of it. You say I feel despair, I shouldn't have been left behind, this is wrong, I don't know what to do, how will I ever find another who feels as good as this felt, I thought this was the one who was gonna be the one and I put so much of myself into it, now I don't know what to do. There's true despair in that and understandable.

And then you say, wait a minute, I deserve better than this. This should not have happened to me. I deserve a different kind of relationship than this. Maybe there's something a whole lot better than this coming to me. Certainly the person I want to spend the rest of my life with wouldn't discard all of this so easily. I must have been barking up the wrong tree and just didn't know it? Maybe I'm pretty glad that this has happened when it did. I'm glad I didn't get more invested in this. I could've invested a lifetime in this before I find out this. At least now, it's early.

You see what we're getting at? Just take every jab that you can and you reach as far as you can find for one simple thing. Not to put the person down and not to get the world to agree with you. But to try to find something that gives you some sensation of relief. Before you know it, you can jump from despair into anger, and before you know it you can jump from anger to hopefulnes, and the minute you make that jump, you've taken a big enough leap in your vibrational journey that all kinds of things start shifting around. Very often that much shift even causes a rejoining of the relationship that you thought was lost.

In other words, its amazing how many relationships can be repaired from you coming back into alignment with you. Because it was your misalignment with you that caused it to fall apart in the first place. What happens with most people in relationships is two people stand there both wanting to feel good, both holding the other one responsible for the way they feel. And we say that is so dumb. Because they can't vibrate for you. And it's giving them all your power. This one blames that one. This one blames that one. And nobody's happy.

Where if one of you would say I'm no longer going to hold you responsible for the way I feel. Can you imagine how refreshing that would be? To have someone say to you my happiness is my job and I adore you in so many ways but I'm not going to hold you responsible for the way I feel. I'm holding myself responsible for the way I feel. Wouldn't you like to hear that? From everybody that is up close to you. Wouldn't that be like fresh air? Well, don't wait around because they're not going to do it to you. But you could give it to them. You can get the same fresh air by saying to them I want you to be happy but I'm not gonna let your unhappiness be the basis of my unhappiness because I want to much to be happy.

Abraham-Hicks Tarrytown, NY 10/9/04

[Tinseltown]

Hi Odessa,

              Nice find - and I hope you're starting to feel a little better? Certainly starting to do the research!

I realised today that what I CAN do, and this involves NO investment of belief, nor a suspension of reality, is I can take control of how I feel. I don't have to let this guy dominate my thoughts. Granted, he is, which is why I find myself sitting writing on an internet forum about him, but that is MY choice. And if I feel bad and sad and hollow, then that's my choice too. So it's about choosing to feel something different, or thinking something different which precipitates a difference in your feeling.

No, I don't like the fact that this man who discussed marriage and children is now chatting up other women on a dating site, but while the leap to believing I can do something about that may feel too far, or not worth my time right now, I CAN go downstairs and do the washing up and then come upstairs and brush my hair, 100 lustrous strokes, before bed and I can wake up, put some nice garb on, go to work and smile at the cute guy who fixes the photocopier....

This is a game of choices, I think

Cheers and love

TC

[Katie]

TomCrick, oh yes, I'm doing some research. At times I feel better, reaching for better feeling thoughts and taking baby steps, but I must admit that most of the time, I do not achieve this, because my man is dominating my thoughts.  Taking great leaps up the emotional scale is not possible, you have to move up little by little, one feeling at a time. I'm glad you have gotten control of your life again. 

[Rainbow]

Isn't it interesting, the way we let someone else take over our thoughts, our feelings, our life?

I get what you both are saying, I can see myself in you.

Right now I think it's a matter of making us feel good about ourselves and nothing else. That way, nothing can take over our power

[Tinseltown]

Right now I think it's a matter of making us feel good about ourselves and nothing else. That way, nothing can take over our power

Exactly!