My predicament .. Please give advice!

[MinDiddy]

Hey everyone!

I was hoping I could write about my predicament on this forum and see if you wise people could offer me some advice and or encouragement in this given situation.

As some of you may already have read, my ex and I have been split for 5 about 5 months now. It has had its up and downs. He has for the most part acted in ways that help me to still believe in our future together. I practice LOA everyday in order to bring us together again. Recently. we slept together and I was regretful, but I tried to be positive and then to my surprise he has not disappeared and he has actually communicated with me since, which is great news!

My predicament is this... one the holiday season. I have not told my family that we have split up. I have explained this on a previous post, but it was a life changing/ very difficult thing for me to do to introduce him to my family. But I did do it, and it worked out better than I ever would have imagined it to. So that is why I haven't told them we split, because I was too happy and grateful for them accepting him into our family and accepting our happiness together as a couple. I do not want my family's opinion of him to change... and I still believe that we will get back together, so I have not told them that we split. I'm worried about Thanksgiving and him not coming and then Christmas dinner and him not showing.

The other problem and biggest issue for me, is my 30th Birthday is coming, Dec 23 and my family wanted to throw me a party. My problem is what if my ex does not show? I'm feeling anxiety already about it. My mom wants to throw the party on New Years Eve. At first I was thinking that would be great because it would serve two purposes, one we would be celebrating my birthday and two my ex would be there for both my B Day party and New Years. If my ex didn't show it would not only be heart crushing to me, but also embarrassing in front of my entire extended family and friends, when the man that everyone believes to be my Boyfriend is not present.

What does everyone think about this? It wouldn't be such a big deal, but I haven't had a legitimate Birthday party since I was 10 years old and my mom was very excited to try to throw a party for me. But honestly, if my ex wasn't there .., I wouldn't have fun anyway.. I would just be sad. He came to my little cousin's 1st Birthday party last month .. and I joked that he better come to mine .. but is that too much pressure?

I have to commit to a party or not because my family wants to begin planning and sending invites etc. So I need to come to a conclusion. Should I be open with my ex? Tell him my family doesn't know? I just want him to come to my party because he wants to come, not because he feels obligated and has to bail me out.

Help me guys! What should I do?

[Detached&Allowing]

I totally understand where you are coming from.  It sounds like the two of you are making steps in getting back together.  To take the presssure off you can tell your family that you decided to take a break to re-evaluate your future.  He didn't do anything, it's just something you decided to do at this "stage" of your life. 

You could also try talking to him.  Let him know that there are no expectations, however these are your concerns.  Ask him to come to your birthday as your friend.

Continue with your gratitude list.  Be grateful each and every day.  Chances are, everything will work out just fine.

Best of LOA to you.

[HelpingitHappen]

MinDiddy,

Your ex does care for you very much. I don't get the feeling he is using you for your sex either. You should not regret the times you spend togther. Enjoying each other physically is not a bad thing, in fact it is much more emotional for both of you than you might think.
As for your birthday party, Do not worry about whether he comes or not. Put out the energy that he will be there and then detach yourself from the outcome.
You said you have not told your peops about your split with him. One thing you must always do, is be honest with everyone...everyone you see, meet and know. You must feel in your heart that because you have been open and honest, that any problems they have with it is in fact, their problem and not yours.
Tell your folks about the split, tell them how you feel about about him and that you want him to be invited just like everyone else. Also, tell him yourself about it and what it would mean for you if he came. Don't guilt him into coming, rather, be yourself when you tell him. You don't need him to be there to make you happy, you would just be happy he came.
I would bet from what you say he will come and enjoy himself very much. Thats the key, no pressure.
I have not seen my Karen since April of this year, and no communication since August, that communication was mean and nasty on her side, but mine was calm and cool. She may well hate me at this point, but I don't think so. We loved so deeply for 6 years that I think she needs to come across to me badly so she can justify leaving our love for herself. Many things happened in our relationship, some my fault, some hers, but I have forgiven myself, and I have forgiven her, totally.
You must do the same, although I am still trying to get over the neediness of her affections and presence in my life, I know, without a single doubt, that when I do completely let go of these emotions. We will become friends again, and from that point, ITS ON!! We started dating, became friends, then after a time we became lovers and ater that our relationship was incredible. Our break up was due to the wrong thinking that we both were guilty of. I know there will be a time when she forgets the bad and remembers only the good. We are still connected with the love we shared then, so I know there will be a time when we see each other in a different light than the one I am assuming we saw each other in after our split.
In short, be honest and open with EVERYONE, your families love is unconditional, so there is a worry gone. Your exes love is still there, you know that because he still sees you and talks to you. I can't wait for that to happen with Karen and I.
Don't obsess about any of it. If he comes, it will be great, if not, then find the reason for him not showing up and go from there.
I know that I would wait forever for Karen, but I know also I must open myself up to the infinite possibilities that the Universe has out there for me. That is the only way Karen will return in whatever form of love she has for me.
I suggest you do the same.
Honesty, respect. First for yourself, then for all you see, know, and meet.
Trust yourself, have a great time at the party, whether he is there or not.
In your mind, see him there, see him having a good time and treating you like you ARE his significant other. It will happen as you see it.
I hope this helps your worry. My best to you and yours.
BW 

[MinDiddy]

Thank you guys for your encouraging words. I do believe that things will work out, but I have no idea when. At first when I started with the LOA the goal was to attract my ex back by my birthday. That would have been a 6 month period of time to try to mend our relationship.

Things have definitely improved, but I know he is not ready to jump in just yet. I'm trying my best to sit back and let him come to me. Trying to hold myself back from wanting to call him every second just because I miss him. The holidays are a time when you want to spend times with close friends, family and loved ones. Last year I never wanted to attend family functions because I hadn't come out in the open with my family about my boyfriend and I and I had to leave him at home. It broke my heart to not be with him for those special moments. He didn't mind, he doesn't really make a big deal about holidays. I noticed that when we were out in the open with my family I was then excited to attend those functions because  could take him with me. Now, now that I am "in the closet" so to speak again about us ..now I'm finding myself have that same anxiety about family gatherings without him attending with me again.

I know that if things were "normal" and I was with Joe I would be excited to have a big shin dig to celebrate my birthday, but because we aren't together my anxiety about family affiliated functions is creeping in. I know that if I tell him about a party he will probably come, but its New Years Eve, what if he would rather be somewhere else, or even worse with someone else! My fears and doubts are driving me crazy.. so I'm thinking why place so much stress on me? Just tell my mom no party... or will I be passing up an opportunity by not having one. Maybe he'll come have a fabulous time with me and it could help catalyze our future into the new year ... ugh this is not fun for me. I am too anxiety prone!

[MinDiddy]

   

A Secret Scrolls message from Rhonda Byrne
Creator of The Secret and The Power

 
From The Secret Daily Teachings

Imagine writing an email of what you want to the Universe. When you are happy that your email is very clear, you hit "Send" and you know your request has gone into the ethers. You also know that the Server of the Universe is an automatic system, and it doesn't question email requests. Its job is simply to fulfil every request.

If you begin to worry and stress that you haven't got what you wanted, then you have just sent another email to the Universe to stop your order. And then you wonder why you haven't received what you asked for.
Once you Ask, know that the Server of the Universe is an automatic infallible system that never fails, and expect to receive your request!
 
May the joy be with you,


Rhonda Byrne
The Secret and The Power... bringing joy to billions

[Detached&Allowing]

hahaha... I just posted this in the LOA Lounge.  I strongly believe this to be true.  Hopefully it brings you peace in knowing all will work out.

In response to the fact it is the holidays, I totally understand.  The best way to get what you want is to be perfectly OK and excited about your birthday on NYE as a single female.  You will be surrounded by people who love you no matter what.  By having that kind of confidence you insure your dreams to come true.

Best of LOA and keep your chin up!!

[mistverge]

Hi MinDiddy,

I was lurking around the forum for a while now, seeking comfort in the wise words of many. I didn't have much to talk about and didn't see the need to register, until I read your posts. Your situation is akin to mine - my boy is named Joe too, I had problem introducing him to my family (which was one of the issues we had, but he was so understanding about it, that I didn't realize that it was starting to affect him. I basically took his understanding for granted. Understanding isn't acceptance.), I'm really looking forward to spending the holiday seasons with him, and to rekindle our relationship. Of course, we have other issues but I don't really want to dwell on them, until he's ready to talk about them and work them out together.

I too was really hard on myself about telling my family about the breakup. In fact, my mum didn't even know we were officially dating (we were together for 3.5 years!). It caught her by surprise when I finally told her after the breakup, and she felt horrible that she didn't know that I was going through such a hard time over the years, trying to balance family, work and my relationship. She even felt that she was partially responsible for what happened. I felt so much love from her, and my relationship with her is better than ever. So, my advice is, do tell your family. Perhaps, not the details, just tell them that you guys are going through a transition period. I'm sure they will understand. Besides, you never know what advice they will give to you. When I told my mum about it, I thought she would ask me to simply forget about him, instead she asked me to fight for this relationship if he is who I want to be with for the rest of my life. She also threw in a few advice about dealing with men and how to better manage my emotions.

I believe that this is a phase that we have to undergo, in order to make our relationship stronger, better and more committed to each other. So yeah, my thoughts are with you and let's keep our spirit up for our Joes.

Much love. xoxo.

P.S.: I'm a late December baby too! Go Caps!

[lise]

I can understand why you haven't said anything. Family want to help and sometimes discussing etc can make it seem worse especially when you're hoping it will be resolved before there's any need to say anything. However, now looks like the time to bite the bullet.
 
I would ask the ex if he'd like to attend the party - no pressure - no pretence - and see what he says. If he says yes - then I'd tell the family - by the way Joe and I aren't together as a couple but we're still good friends and he'll be attending as my friend.
 
If he says he can't then - I'd tell the family - Joe won't be coming because we're not a couple at the moment - we're still friends though but a family part is maybe a bit much at the moment for us to be both be together.
 
I'd have the party no matter what. I know what you mean about it not being etra special if he's not there but it will be special for your family and it maybe more enjoyable than you imagine.
 
I know it's incredibly difficult but try not to make him responsible for your happiness.

[MinDiddy]

Wow that is pretty crazy misterverge! Such parallels!I definitely am sending you positive thoughts! Lise Thank you for your wisdom, but I just don't know if I feel strong enough to be honest at this time.

I think the pressure of my family not knowing is the hardest part for me. I know that it seems odd, but someone once told me, that your family may forgive but they never forget. I have told some members, more like the younger generation .. and now they all have a terrible opinion of him. They have heard me and seen me go through such incredible highs and such devastatingly heartbreaking lows through this process. The bottom line is that they love me and are protective over me.. and I made the mistake of sharing some of what I have been going through with them.

I'm just so afraid that the very people who were so against my Joe and I being together and finally fell in love with him as much as I did .. I just cannot and will not let them see the bad side. It overwhelmed my heart in a fantastic happy way when my dad took to and really genuinely liked my (black) boyfriend. I never thought the day would come when he would say to me "Mindy Joe is such a good man." I almost fell over in my chair! Beyond my wildest dreams I would not have imagined that the outcome. And because of how difficult it was for me to finally tell them about us.. I just still believe that things will work out and I feel like I do not want them to have a changed opinion of him. They are generally negative and I wouldn't be surprised if they secretly are still hoping that I find myself a nice Jewish white boy to fall in love with.

With the younger generation of family that does know what is going on... I find myself defending his actions to them, defending my actions, my moods ... the things that I am going through. Its very frustrating, because unlike all of you guys here on this forum. they support me, but they are very opinionated and they feel like from what they have seen, they do not want to see me suffer anymore and they feel like its over and to move on. But it is ultimately my choice and I love Joe with every single atom and particle of my very existence. I know and believe in him and our love for each other. No one is there when we share those close moments together, no one truly knows him like I do .. and no one has my intuition... I just cannot explain it, but I know that Joe is the ONE.

So I just don't think that I want to tell them that it's over .. even temporarily. In away I feel like it's not their business. My family means well, but they are nosy and certain people have the tendency to be malicious .. I just don't think that I can bring myself to go there and spill the beans to them...

I truly respect and appreciate everyone's words of encouragement on this forum, even when people give constructive criticism. I am grateful to this forum and all of you.. because you all inspire me daily. It really does hep me to know that I can pour my heart out in this forum without judgment and ridicule. So thank you all for that! We are all in this together and I love that we can be there for each other.

[HelpingitHappen]

MinDiddy,

WHAT IF?

WHAT happens IF you open up to all the possibilities the Universe has?
WHAT would happen IF you went ahead with the party and, let's say that Joe didn't come, but...someone else did come that totally blew you away?
WHAT would happen IF by having this party, you met this other guy that totally blew you away and all attraction for Joe just went away, like dust in the wind?
You would be on top of the world, would you not? Just by having the party that your mother so wants to have in your honor.
This is the way the Universe works sometimes.
Your happy
Your new guy is happy
Your mother is happy
All your guests in your honor are happy
NYE would be great with a new interest to explore it with, no?
Not saying it WILL all happen that way, but it COULD!
WHAT IF by having this party, 90% of your perceived problems just fell away?
WHAT IF Dear? WHAT IF?
BW