Man advice needed... Stef??

[kitten7]

Ok, last I left off.. Sunday. The ex text, called, emailed. I did not respond. I wasn't speaking to anyone that day, really.
Last night at about 10 or so, he text. I was asleep, but it woke me up.. I did not respond.
This morning at 6:50 AM, I get a text that says 'If you don't want to talk, just say so."

What?? I was not expecting that from him.. I'm not sure how to respond, or why he would even say that.. considering he has ignored me.. It's not an eye for an eye, I just haven't figured out yet what to say to him. Honest.


Eta: Also, I don't think I will respond today. I am not going to jump just because he is grouchy. I want his unkindness to settle into his mind.. without me having to say a word.

[irishgirl69]

You say it's not an eye for eye but then you say that you're not going to respond because you want his unkindness to settle into his mind.  Sorry, that contradicts itself. 

I'm not one for playing games with anyone.  If I'm hurt that someone hasn't responded to me, I tell them so.  If I don't feel like talking to them, I tell them that.  He texted that because he's confused as to why you're ignoring him - pretty plain and simple.  Men don't do hints - he's not going to figure out that you're giving him a taste of his own medicine.  He's going to think you don't want him to contact you anymore and he's going to comply.

If you want a new relationship with him, maybe you shouldn't play the same old games.

ETA I just went and read your post about why you contacted him in the first place and now I'm even more confused as to why you're not responding.  You contacted him when you were upset, he responded and, in my opinion, showed concern, and you're now ignoring him?  Even if you don't want to get back together with him (which I'm not sure is the truth given that he is who you reached out to when you were upset), I just hope you see that this kind of game playing isn't good for ANY healthy relationship. 

Sorry if this seems harsh but it's difficult to see people come here and talk about how they want to find true love, etc., but they don't see how their own actions are preventing it from happening.

[kitten7]

Wew, calm down.

I did reach out - not to talk to him about the issue.. Reassurance that he was there. I ignored just about everyone.. because I was very upset. I did respond to him that night.. and said everything is OK. I have been trying to think of what to say to him.. I DID let him know everything was fine. If he is calling and texting while I am asleep, well, I am asleep. I DO have other things going on in my life at the moment... I am not playing any games. I have not responded because I am nervous and not sure what to say. I NEED to stay centered .... for my OWN well-being!

ETA - I am not going to respond right now.. because I am not giving into man-tantrums. His unkindness puts me back into my shell.. and I shut down.

[Autumn]

Maybe the best thing you could do for now is to send him a quick text explaining that you need some time to think things over. You can respond when you get comfortable but at least this way he doesn't feel ignored and hurt. I'm sure he'll understand and respect your need for space as well as respecting you for frank communication. Just saying that he wouldn't know what you're thinking or feeling unless you tell him. He's bound to wonder, so just take it easy and try not to get annoyed with his question. Forgiveness above all, remember?

[irishgirl69]

I'm perfectly calm, but thanks.  I'm just going off what you're saying - he texted, called emailed, texted and texted again with no response from you and you're confused as to why he is assuming you don't want to talk to him?  I guess I don't see quite the correlation between his behavior and his throwing a man tantrum and being unkind.  To me, it seems as though he is showing concern.  Perhaps there is something in those texts and emails that can be perceived as unkind - again I'm just going off what you're saying here.  I just know that if someone reached out to me when they were upset and I cared enough to express concern, even after they told me they were fine, particularly someone I've had a close, intimate relationship with, I would be hurt and offended if they just ignored me.  I'm not saying you need to jump every time he texts or calls, but it just seems a bit off that you're acting as though he did something wrong here.

[Mr Brightside]

Did someone call for Dr.Stef?? My new rates are $.99 per question, PM's are $2.00 and full coaching sessions start at $5 ... depending on the issue these rates are subject to change. 


I don't really know much about the situation but i will just give you my opinion based on this post. I agree with both Irish and 9J, that you should respond to him reaching out. If he is calling, texting and emailing he really wants to get in touch with you. Also you really shouldn't be nervous about it, i highly doubt that he would do all of that and then say something that you don't want to hear. Sounds more like a guy trying to re-establish the connection with you. I dont want to say anything premature, but it really sounds like he wants to work toward a reconciliation.

Men don't contact woman like he is unless they are interested. My rule of thumb is if your ex calls you on late Friday or Saturday night, ignore the call... it can only mean sex LOL. If he calls you throughout the week multiple times, he is really interested in you.

Also i dont think you need to explain why you didnt respond, sometimes these things are better left for him to think about, if you get what i mean. So just say you had a really busy week, and ask him how he is doing. Im sure he will want to see you. Dont overcomplicate the situation, guy's dont do mixed signals, so you will know faily quickly why he is contacting you... which i think in this case is a very positive thing.

[lise]

He sent you two texts - neither did you reply to for your own reasons. He takes your non replying as you not wanting to talk to him and states that in his next text. And you're thinking he's being unreasonable?

If it's not an eye for an eye - then maybe it's a lesson that there are perhaps reasons as to why someone doesn't reply as quickly as we'd like.

I'm not having a go because it pisses me right off when someone doesn't respond in what I consider a timely manner - how long does it take after alll to send a text? I have also given someone a taste of their own medicine as a consequence. However I didn't kid myself that that wasn't what I was doing and why.

[Ginny]

Yep, I agree with all of the above. On a personal note, I do think it's rude not to respond to a text. It doesn't take a second to respond and explain the situation (in this case maybe something like, "sorry I haven't responded, my head's all over the place, will be in contact when I'm more sorted out. Thanks for your concern!" sort of thing.)

I do not in any way think his behaviour constitutes a 'man tantrum'.

Stef, it's clear why he got in contact - kitten sent out a distress signal and he was concerned and responded. She then responded very briefly - which, if he didn't care much, he may have thought 'fine'. BUt since he did care, he texted again. And again. And she ignored him several times. So, now he's wondering if she's upset or playing games. That would be my take anyway, I don't claim to be psychic.

[Mr Brightside]

Yep, I agree with all of the above. On a personal note, I do think it's rude not to respond to a text. It doesn't take a second to respond and explain the situation (in this case maybe something like, "sorry I haven't responded, my head's all over the place, will be in contact when I'm more sorted out. Thanks for your concern!" sort of thing.)

I do not in any way think his behaviour constitutes a 'man tantrum'.

Stef, it's clear why he got in contact - kitten sent out a distress signal and he was concerned and responded. She then responded very briefly - which, if he didn't care much, he may have thought 'fine'. BUt since he did care, he texted again. And again. And she ignored him several times. So, now he's wondering if she's upset or playing games. That would be my take anyway, I don't claim to be psychic.

Oh Ok, sorry i didnt know about that. I thought it was just him reaching out to her... either way its still a good thing