The 90% in the title is just a little fun, as it is an ironic reference to the recent discussion in which I said that I was "only" 90% sure but still wanted to hear your comments/confirmation. I am writing this on a new topic because it is plain descriptive of what I did, and what I think I experienced through my own manifestation of confidence and "being myself".
I want to ask the members on this forum who often say I sound desperate and clingy, whether that isn't simply a repressed form of determination.
Ultimately, I decided, focusing on the following:
- What do I, Chris, want to be known for having done?
- What do I, Chris, want to do in my life and regardless of any advice?
(And try to do? Imagine I died tomorrow and had to check the balance sheet).
I also thought about God, in the religious sense, in the sense of "good". I have always perceived that I should be a kind of role-model for the "good", regardless of what might be the common persons' reaction or social dynamics. I hadn't thought about religion for a long time, and I think religion has played a main role in shaping my personality.
So I would say that returning to it in a way represents "working on myself".
When I arrived at the workplace, the first thing I noticed was a Terra as cold as absolute frost. I didn't know what to do at the beginning, but then thought about the above questions.
I pushed aside my fears.
My fears were telling me:"Don't contact her, let her contact you. For now, you cannot trust her, so better wait till both of you are calm."
But my courage was telling me:"If right now she has even very little feelings for you, she wants to hear from you."
I decided to contact her via the corporate messaging system, even though her reply was cold. I suggested her that I come up with an idea to reconcule with the guy, e.g. to invite the guy I fought with to apologize, and make things as they were. She had a very defensive and aggressive tone.
Terra:"You really went to far that day and insulted him heavily. I also felt very bad, especially after he was so nice to us. What's done is done, and may be too late. But do whatever you think is best."
I never expected such tone, but right after that I was inspired to go to the department of the guy whom I fought with and decided to buy him a coffee and discuss with him. I explained to him, and apologized once again, and he seemed to understand. We kinda reconciled although he said he needed some time to get over with it.
I returned and told Terra (but still didn't tell Terra why the fight had started). She was happy. She told me that I did very well.
I didn't expect the sudden change from her, but it demonstrated me that sometimes my own solution might lead to good results.
Yet she immediately went silent again and I didn't know what to do.
Another thought that inspired me was the following:
One of my greatest worries is that whatever I say from my heart might come across as smothering.
I told myself that if that were true, I want Terra to communicate it to me in some way, and until she did, I had absolutely no feedback about it. Instead, fearing that I might smother someone only made my communication drop to zero, i.e. not even trying.
How can a person create a relationship if he doesn't even try?
I had a growing fear that she might not like to go out for lunch with me today, for no reason. But I pushed aside that fear and asked her anyway.
She said she was already invited by a friend.
I insisted by asking whether I could join, because I truly, deeply and honestly felt that was the right way to show her that no matter what I truly hold on to her.
I was especially having in mind the advice by MiaVictoria, according to which anytime Terra might appear to be indifferent or cold, it may simply be that she is trying to protect her heart, but deep inside likes me.
Terra ultimately said that I could join them for lunch.
It was very silent at the beginning. Nobody spoke, she was clearly showing that she was angry. But I was also clearly showing that I was feeling bad and guilty. I did that because I wanted to show respect towards her, her boundaries, while at the same time I was showing that I was determined to follow her even in silence.
Ultimately she started speaking, we started joking about random things. She avoided talking about personal life, and other topics we normally talk about. But it was an OK conversation.
Back at work, there was one crucial conversation on the corporate messaging system:
I was starting to talk about my upcoming birthday and that I would like to invite her. She coldly said she didn't know and that she had to check with her boyfriend she rarely talks about.
I said:"So invite him as well. Then you can see that you can really trust me and don't need to worry"
Terra:"Sorry, I am busy with work."
Then, it started raining heavily. We walked together out of the building, and I was the only one with an umbrella. She came under mine without asking, but smiled while I held it over her.
For the first time during the day, we spoke in a more normal tone. I asked, with a heavy voice:"So, are you angry at me?".
Terra:"Not at all"
But she didn't say anything further.
I dropped her at the bus stop, and when the bus arrived I told her again, with a determined but heavy voice, and looking straight into her eyes:
"You truly can always trust me, because I will always be your good friend."
Terra smiled and said:"Of course, don't worry!"
Then I sent her a mobile phone text message, wishing her a nice day, but she didn't reply.
I think there are many unsaid things.
Most importantly, I have been trying to prove her that even if she has a boyfriend, I will put all my effort to make this a worthy friendship. But she does not react entirely positively to that.
She didn't want to talk about the boyfriend, nor was she particularly enthusiastic after I told I will always be a good friend.
Which in many ways supports what MiaVictoria suggested:
she might feel something for me, but has built a wall around her due to her life circumstances.
Or she needs time to fully trust me again even as a friend.
I personally think the fight on friday disappointed her a lot.
All comments and suggestions appreciated as usual, though I would say I think that this time I achieved a lot by putting forward my determination, my values and principles and the actions to reach them.
Thank you
March 10, 2010, 09:24:46 PM
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