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Author Topic: Do I do anything else at this point?  (Read 28794 times)

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Offline 57angel

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Re: Do I do anything else at this point?
« Reply #180 on: October 06, 2011, 11:55:39 AM »
Mel90, be reminded that when you doubt and fear, you will be given more and more reasons to doubt and to fear. I know that it is easier said than done not to fear, not to doubt, but when I realize that it will be my dreams that will not manifest if I will let those negative beliefs and emotions to linger a bit longer, then I started smiling. Enjoy your moments loving yourself more, as he is already learning his lessons in relationships and with clarity know what is that he doesnt want and what is it that he does want.

Offline Mel90

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Re: Do I do anything else at this point?
« Reply #181 on: October 06, 2011, 07:24:10 PM »
yeah, so ive been try to put more focus on myself, also trying to stop imagining the worst :)
 
today is a better day :)

Offline 2thetop

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Re: Do I do anything else at this point?
« Reply #182 on: October 06, 2011, 09:42:43 PM »
awesome mel!  to quote the great jedi master  :P "do or do not, there is no try" .....my only advice for you right now.....dont try to stop imagining the worse.  do stop imagining the worse.  tell yourself you are going to stop this.  not i am trying to stop this or i want to try and stop this.  this tells our mind that we will continue to try.  tell yourself you are done with imagining the worse and your brain will start the process of automatically shutting those thoughts down and replacing them with positive thoughts.  at first you will have to manually do this, but after a bit it will be automatic. 

have a wonderful day and keep up the great progress!

Offline Mel90

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Re: Do I do anything else at this point?
« Reply #183 on: October 07, 2011, 12:14:17 AM »
thank you. today has been much better.

Ive also changed my mindset a little. I have decided to stop punishing myself. because truth is, I have a lot to offer, I am a good person, and I didnt do anything to deserve this. I was not a bad gf. the only way I played a role in this end was my own insecurities. but as a person and gf I am not shy to say I think i was a good one.

I deserve to be loved, to have a strong connection like that with someone.

if he is man enough he will figure it out. he will realize that we had a very healthy relationship. my heart tells me it might be a phase, or a shift caused by fear on his part. fact is, there is nothing I can do about it. he has to go through it on his own...

Im tired of feeling like I was the one not good enough for him. because that is so not true. if it were the case, it would have been apparent way before, and he would not have made so many commitments to me.

what do you guys think? somehow this is giving me a little peace. but that doesnt mean I dont want to have a loving relationship with him.

Offline 2thetop

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Re: Do I do anything else at this point?
« Reply #184 on: October 07, 2011, 02:14:45 AM »
i think that is a very good mind set change.  i think you are very correct on everything you posted.

Offline Mel90

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Re: Do I do anything else at this point?
« Reply #185 on: October 07, 2011, 04:44:44 AM »
thank you very much. i have been feeling a lot better since I came to this conclusion.

I sometimes think I have to act and do something. like reassure him not to have any fears about us, that I absolute do want to move to his city. since the last one, I never really made it clear, and it was obvious it bothered him. i should have communicated better. i assumed...

but i feel like it would have no effect at this point. and I actually want him to come back to me. since I tried going to him, and I got rejected. (it was a while ago)

so the thought i had written above is really helping me. the fear has diminished quite a bit too. just gotta work at not having any fear at all.

I hope all my wishes do come true :) and all of yours too

Offline Mel90

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Re: Do I do anything else at this point?
« Reply #186 on: October 19, 2011, 01:14:55 AM »
Hello everyone,

been a while since my last post.
the last post of mine had such positive vibes, as I read it today.
but it seems that its all changed, yet again.
I am stressed because of my studies, constantly scared of failure. and just sad about my old relationship again.

I still do not understand why he wouldnt want me when I did nothing wrong. (ok, im not saying I didnt have insecurities, which affected the relationship)
I really do not know how to stop being so hard of myself. which I amand its getting me to be really tired and exhausted.
these past few months have been the hardest. i am unable to control my emotions at all. I wish things could be easier and good for a change.

Offline 2thetop

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Re: Do I do anything else at this point?
« Reply #187 on: October 19, 2011, 01:21:35 AM »
well mel the only thing i can really say is you are wrong.  you are the only one that control your emotions.  yes sometimes you need to let them out and not hold them in.  holding them in will cause the build up that just over whelms you.  if youre sad, and need a good cry, them by all means cry your heart out.  after you are done, make sure you go do something that makes you happy and feel good.  no matter what it is or what you were doing before.  force yourself to do something that makes you feel good. 
it will do you no good to try and figure all that out.  work on what you want to work on about yourself to make you feel better about yourself.  if you want him still then focus your thoughts of him on happiness and being together.  i wish i could give more advice, but until my woman is back in my arms, i cant.


Offline tereza

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Re: Do I do anything else at this point?
« Reply #188 on: October 19, 2011, 05:46:59 AM »
I still do not understand why he wouldnt want me when I did nothing wrong. (ok, im not saying I didnt have insecurities, which affected the relationship)

You've got 13 pages of discussion on this already.

Quote
I really do not know how to stop being so hard of myself. which I amand its getting me to be really tired and exhausted.
these past few months have been the hardest. i am unable to control my emotions at all. I wish things could be easier and good for a change.

Here's something I read in a book a long time ago that was helpful in calming the mind for awhile...

Argue with yourself on paper.

Take a sheet of paper and fold it in half lengthwise. Make one side the negative side and the other side the positive side. Start with the negative side first and write down one negative thought that is stressing you out.  Then on the positive side, write a statement that disproves/disagrees with the negative statement you just wrote.  Then go back to the negative side again and write whatever negative that thought pops up.  Then go back to the positive side and come up with another response to the negative thought. An example:

Negative thought: He doesn't love me.
Positive thought: Yes, he does because he said it was good to hear from me.
Negative thought: He was just being friendly.
Positive thought: Well he also said ____, and that's more than being friendly.

Do this until you can't think of anymore responses.

What I find happens is that after a page or so of doing this, I either get tired of thinking about whatever it is that is stressing me and want to move on to doing other things or I realize that the negative thought is stupid and wrong. If the thought comes back and annoys me later on, I do the exercise again until I get to the point where I no longer need it.

Offline Mel90

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Re: Do I do anything else at this point?
« Reply #189 on: October 19, 2011, 06:51:47 AM »
THank you 2thetop and Tereza.

my intention in writing that post, was to vent. and get it out. today had been my lowest day in a couple of weeks. not necessarily to start yet another discussion as to why my ex left. it almost doesnt matter anymore the reason. 
i just felt very lonely today, more than other days, and some of the most negative thoughts i have had came back.

but that trick about writing it down on a paper seems good i will try it too.
i did start a gratitude journal as well, it kinda helped. i included things that were on my wish list, as well i added a list of things i was sorry for.
i do still have this feeling inside that i always doing something wrong. whether its with applying the LOA into my life, or with studies wtv.

thanks again to you both.

Offline bravelioness

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Re: Do I do anything else at this point?
« Reply #190 on: October 19, 2011, 10:27:20 AM »
@tereza-That's exactly what I'm doing.It helped. :)

Offline Tinseltown

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Re: Do I do anything else at this point?
« Reply #191 on: October 21, 2011, 01:36:01 AM »
and sometimes when i tell my story and askk people if they believe he will come back, it comes out wrong.

Hello,
 
           A relatively old post that I'm quoting from here, Mel, but something caught my eye, because it's something that I used to do re my situation. I asked everyone. I was remarkably adept at building a relationship with someone in a corridor and then, after saying, 'Hi, how are you?' before telling them about this bloke and he'd left me and he'd said that and then 4 weeks later he'd emailed me and then said this and what did they think about that? You could see this slightly dazed terror in people's eyes as I pounced on them for opinions. Cleaners, window washers, the bloke from the 4th floor whose only misfortune was bringing some papers to my office. And what it showed me was that all you get is what other people believe.

See, what I'm doing now is keeping stuff to myself (other than successes) and not polluting what I want by trying to siphon positive belief from other people to top up my own tank.

If belief is what gets us stuff - and it is - then cultivate an interest in what yours are and then a commitment to developing the ones which will take you to those places you want to go....

Tins

Offline Mel90

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Re: Do I do anything else at this point?
« Reply #192 on: October 21, 2011, 04:50:50 AM »
thats very true Tinseltown. and thank you :)

I have stopped asking people what they think the outcome will be, and other than you guys on this forum, no one even knows about my interest in LOA.

I am ok with keeping things to myself.
my self esteem has been so low, that I look for external validation. Im thinking if I were a stronger person, I wouldnt need it.
and its not just with the question 'do you think he is going to come back,"
for example, i got upset at my closest friends. bc i didnt feel as though they gave me what I needed during the first harshest weeks after the break up.

I was looking for "you are smart and beautiful, you didnt do anything to harm him, on the contrary from what we saw you were a heck of a good gf. and if he doesnt want to be with you, its his biggest loss"

had I been more of a confident person, I wouldnt be sooo hungry for these statements to come out of someone else's mouth. id be damn sure of it myself.

i just dont know how to change that about myself. maybe its actually not as hard as i make it seem to be, but I just do not know where to start.

also, i get so easily stressed over everything. like my future, what it holds for me. my studies.

thank you again.
back to my books. Exam tomorrow!!

Offline 2thetop

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Re: Do I do anything else at this point?
« Reply #193 on: October 21, 2011, 05:09:09 AM »
hey mel, from my experience with what you are going through i will tell you what helped me.  affirmations of who and what you want to be in the present tense.  visualize it as you write or say it.  constantly do this.  then when you question something about yourself or have a negative thought such as im not beautiful (just and example not saying thats how you feel) ask yourself if this is how a confident person would think.  then think a thought tjat you think a confident person would think.  enjoy the thought and make it your own.  gotta remember that feeling down about yourself comes from yeaaaaaaaaars of repeating that belief to yourself.  it takes a bit to reverse this but fortunetly it doesnt take as long as it did to make us feel bad about ourselves.  feeling good is our natural state and it actually takes more to think negative thoughts then positive.  the thing to watch for, and you may have already noticed, but a lot of times you will actually think a positive thought and cut yourself off or imediatly shoot it down and put yourself down a million ways.  the only other thing i really have been doing is making sure that i do things that build confidence.  for me thats working out, building something or drawing something.  just anything that you have to put a lil effort in to that at the end of it you can sit back and say, yup i did that and it is great.

hope that helps some what

Offline sg

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Re: Do I do anything else at this point?
« Reply #194 on: May 09, 2013, 09:43:19 PM »
Thank you 2thetop,

I needed that advice today!

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