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Offline Love is real

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I have been away from this forum for 2 years.
« on: December 02, 2018, 10:45:54 AM »
Hello friends,

When my wife left me and split up our family 3.5 years ago, I couldn't get out of bed for months.  It put me in a dark hole, remembering how my father left when I was 6, and I promised I would never do this to my kids.

My journey has been like many others here.  I found myself reading a lot of articles and books about getting your X back.   Whether they were about LOA or more traditional advice written by marriage counselors, or blogs, they had some common threads.  The main thing was to realize that she would never come back to me while I was living in a hole. I had to get up, dust myself off and show myself, and her, that I'm a strong person.  a good person. an interesting person.   Over the next several months I did all that.  I exercised like I never did before. I meditated daily. I ate better.   I journaled.    And i read a lot about LOA and I did visualizations and I had a vision board and I did remote seduction and all of it.   I found there was conflicting advice sometimes and I tried to make my own judgments about what was best for my own situation.

I never gave up.

But after months, nothing I did resulted in any change in her.

I eventually found myself craving companionship and intimacy.  My X had a boyfriend and she was talking about long-term plans with him.

I joined a dating site and found someone who I had a lot in common with.  She immediately fell in love with me.  I pushed back, saying I was not ready for a serious committed relationship.   I explained I was still healing from my past.   She tried to honor my needs and give me space, and wait for me to heal and give up on my past.

Two years have passed with my girlfriend and not much has changed. she continues to want to move forward.  she is losing patience.   I am stuck.   I still think about my X.   It's not just my X though.  I think if it were just her, I could let it all go by now.  It's as much about my kids as it is about her.  Many things trigger me.  A song on the radio.  being apart on the holidays.  It's about so much more than her.  It's about providing a stable and cohesive environment for the children I brought into the world.  it's about not repeating the same mistakes my father did (he left when I was young).  It's about dozens of people in her family that had become my family over the last 30 years and now had disappeared from my life. 

All through this, my LOA work has diminished, but not ended.   Basically, once a day i close my eyes and I visualize.   then i let it go.   i think this is a signal to the universe, that if there is anything to this LOA thing, I'm still on board.  I'm not giving up. I still want my family back.   I want to live with my kids all the time, not just half the time.

But I just need to live my life too.  I need friendship.  I need intimacy.  It's been over 3 years.   Everyone in my life, including my kids, remind me this is a long time and hammer over my head that she's not coming back.  But I still visualize, once a day.  And then I just let it go.

My happiness level has waned and waxed.   I used to tell myself all the time that LOA only works if you're happy and channeling positive energy.  So I made myself happy. I found that exercise would sometimes give me bursts of happiness that I can't even describe, like I was bursting with joy.  And I knew everything would work out.  But then I hurt my knee running and I can't run anymore. Maybe running was a placebo.

Now after 3 years, I'm stuck. Happiness is once again elusive.  When I'm around people, I perk up.  When I'm around my X, I smile and joke around.  when i'm around my girlfriend, we have a good time. when I'm alone I sink.

I am not sure why i decided to come back here tonight.   but when I opened the forum, the top message was by Superman, who i remember from 2 years ago.  It said I should hate my X and then she'll come back to me.  Wow.  That is not something i have tried.  And I don't think it would be good for the kids.  I've convinced myself, and I believe it to be true, that it is in the best interest of the kids for me and my X to be friends and to get along. It was one of the most difficult things I experienced as a child to have parents who hated each other.  For that reason I have done everything I can to avoid conflict with my X and we are cordial and friendly to each other. we are able to be in the same room with the kids and joke around and smile.  we often sit next to each other during soccer games.   we never get into arguments about money or scheduling. 

I have another person who loves me now unconditionally. More than I can remember feeling being loved by my X in 30 years.  But I'm not sure how i feel about her.  Sometimes I think she could be "the one" and other times not.  I think about the pluses and minuses about her and I just get all confused. I'm supposed to "just know it" they say. I shouldn't have to wonder and think about it, if she really is the one.  But my shrink says I can't make those distinctions about how I feel about my girlfriend while I'm still affected by the loss of my family and still wanting it back.   He says I'm "not completely available" to my girlfriend (or anyone else) and that resonates.  I can't miss her when we are apart because I'm too busy missing my family.

Now, I might be sabotaging this relationship because I am still not healed from my past and unable to totally open up and love again. My girlfriend is now convinced that I just don't love her and she is close to walking away from it all, in spite of the fact that she completely loves me.

A part of me wants to let my girlfriend go and hunker down and turn up the LOA on my X, and get out the vision board.   maybe just more time had to go by and it would be more effective now.   but that kind of seems crazy after 3.5 years.

I know I have said a couple times that it's about my family, it's not really about my X.  But the bottom line is, I do also still feel a connection with her in spite of being apart for 3 years.  we were married for 30 years and we brought 3 people into this world. 

I don't know why i came here tonight but I did.

Maybe I'm looking for someone to say, 3.5 years is not that long... I never gave up on my X and she came back after longer than that.

Or maybe I'm looking for the opposite, people to encourage me to move on.   It is true, the saying goes "this or something better now manifests for me."   perhaps there is something better.  maybe life with my girlfriend, without the ropes of my past holding me down would be awesome.   or maybe there is someone else out there besides my girlfriend, who will more clearly and obviously be "the one".  And yeah, i've heard it all, I need to let go and move on before she can come back.

all i know, something needs to change.  it is not fair to my girlfriend and she is losing patience, rightly so.  and i'm not happy.  but no particular path or plan seems clearly the right thing to do.

got any LOA advice?  I couldn't possibly be more stuck and confused, so I'll consider what anyone has to say, particularly if you made it this far through my story.

thanks

Offline Erana

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Re: I have been away from this forum for 2 years.
« Reply #1 on: December 02, 2018, 02:29:35 PM »
Hi!
     From what I read, your dominant vibration seems to be one of despair, confusion and of missing your X/family. Forgive me if this is wrong, but it also sounds to me like, your saying you want your X back for the sake of your kids/family, while certainly important to you, is also your way of justifying why you want your X back - like you feel others would judge you for not letting go of her. If so, we really have no reason to explain ourselves or our desires, and just realising that will make you feel better   :)
     The Law of Attraction is all about like attracts like. Therefore, you cannot really have your X back when you spend so much time missing her. In other words, when you are focusing on the lack of her, you attract more lack.
     Here is one LOA fact that really helped me let go of conditions. Even when we are focused on the unwanted, our Inner Being is stubbornly focused on our wellbeing. This way, no matter what happens, things are always working out for us. So, trust the Universe to make sure your kids will be ok with or without your X. That would be dropping the attachment in your case, and any feelings or being responsible for 'making' it happen. You can want your X simply because you love her - not because you need her to do something etc. Abraham Hicks teaches that we should ideally be in a place where we are satisfied with what we want while being eager for more. So focus on all the good aspects you currently have in your life. Focus on all the good times of your marriage etc. Abraham also has this process called the Book of Positive Aspects where you write a few lines of positive aspects of a person each day, and thus when you are focused on their positives, LOA will bring you more to appreciate, and your relationship will improve.
      About your girlfriend, if you really don't feel anything for her, you can let her go if it feels ok to you. Remember everything always works out for you. So the time to yourself can really help in terms of alignment, while whoever is best for you will come back no matter what.
      Another LOA fact that really helped me is that we are vibrational beings and what we really want is the feelings involved, whether we believe it or not. So when you find yourself missing your family, just imagine how you want things to be, make it as real as possible, and know that things are starting to happen, whether you can see it or not and when you feel better and better each day, is how you know you are getting closer to the actual manifestation.
      Wishing you all you want for yourself!  :)
 

Offline Alexbally

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Re: I have been away from this forum for 2 years.
« Reply #2 on: December 02, 2018, 03:46:41 PM »
Most of the time, we need to get "on top" of somebody else to get over the last relationship. As selfish as that sounds, it really does do the trick in terms of getting over the past.
This new girlfriend could well be that stepping stone for you or if you feel that she's too attached and that you don't want to hurt her then let her go and find somebody else less attached to jump on top of.

Offline Superman

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Re: I have been away from this forum for 2 years.
« Reply #3 on: December 02, 2018, 05:12:14 PM »

I am not sure why i decided to come back here tonight.   but when I opened the forum, the top message was by Superman, who i remember from 2 years ago.  It said I should hate my X and then she'll come back to me.  Wow.  That is not something i have tried.  And I don't think it would be good for the kids.  I've convinced myself, and I believe it to be true, that it is in the best interest of the kids for me and my X to be friends and to get along. It was one of the most difficult things I experienced as a child to have parents who hated each other.  For that reason I have done everything I can to avoid conflict with my X and we are cordial and friendly to each other. we are able to be in the same room with the kids and joke around and smile.  we often sit next to each other during soccer games.   we never get into arguments about money or scheduling.

I have another person who loves me now unconditionally. More than I can remember feeling being loved by my X in 30 years.  But I'm not sure how i feel about her.


Make sure you understand what I meant in that post you're talking about. I used the title "hate your ex" but actually it has nothing to do with real hate. Read the whole post and my comments.

The fact is that your love or obsession and craving WON'T bring her back, quite the opposite. While you cry, crave etc she is with another man and probably doesn't miss you at all. Those are the things you have to understand. You have a proof in your own life: you say that someone loves you unconditionally and yet you don't crave her. The solution is always to remove the X from your mind and focus on yourself and be selfish enough to think of you and your own life path. Its all about loving and honoring yourself and living for the best you can. You have to treat yourself as you would treat someone you love greatly. Build a self image, a self concept that is very attractive and desirable. Let go of misery and all those made up excuses that you make to prevent your own joy and freedom.

Understand that not all exes will come back, even if you have children with them. But your "salvation" is in your hands and you can free yourself in a second you decide it truly. Now of course you can make all the excuses that make sense for you and probably continue that for months or even years but those won't change anything except prolong your misery.

Everytime you give up yourself, every time you self sacrifice, obsess over someone else instead of being centered in you: you will experience someone leaving you or not loving you. Its just a fact. Because once you give up your own self: what is there to love? what is there to be attracted to?
So build your own self, be selfish enough, have great mission in life, create greatness of yourself and of your life. Be focused on you and generate the best you can. Craving someone else keeps you just distracted form your own life. You are whole by yourself. When you realize this you never feel any lack, nor loss and with your wholness your children can only experience hoy and hapinness.

Peace.

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