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Offline Cralyn

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Relationship help letting go
« on: June 13, 2018, 08:15:26 AM »
Hi Everyone

I am new here I broke up with my bf of just over a year last Thursday
he texted me on Saturday saying he didnít know what to say and that he was depressed so thatís why he was so distant. I said I understood that he wasnít happy and that i donít mean to assume itís always me and if he needed space it was ok but that I didnít really want to break up. He called Sunday said we would talk just not that night and havenít heard from him since. I can see how I have attracted the lack of attention as Iím always scared to say what I feel or think cause I think he will leave me I donít know why. Now Iím just not sure what to do I havenít contacted him but Iím upset and depressed everything I have read says I need to let go but I donít know how ? Any advice on practical solutions to let go of the outcome obviously feeling needy, sad and missing him isnít going to help but I just canít seem to stop any advice would be appreciated

Offline mamyth

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Re: Relationship help letting go
« Reply #1 on: June 13, 2018, 12:28:48 PM »
Hi Cralyn
 
Letting go is about letting go of the fear and desperation ..... not the love you have 4 him .... relax, take a deep breath .... give him some space  ... get out in the fresh air, look around you and be happy with what you have , favorite things .... you r not broken, dumb or any thing else .... depression can be caused as a result of emotional shock, be kind to self, don't beat yourself up ..... when you are feeling down do what ever it takes to think a bit happier ... day by day or minute by minute if necessary ... hang in there

Offline Alexbally

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Re: Relationship help letting go
« Reply #2 on: June 13, 2018, 01:39:25 PM »
Making the decision to let go is just as easy as making the decision to make a cup of coffee. As Nike says, just do it.

It's your chasing and your desperation that results in your unhappiness. Stop chasing and stop desperation to stop the unhappiness...
Stop putting the source and responsibility of your happiness outside of yourself and into someone else.

Stop thinking....
Find the empty space, the void. Just be present.

Online alexburke

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Re: Relationship help letting go
« Reply #3 on: June 13, 2018, 06:14:51 PM »
Writing a gratitude list with "I am happy and grateful for ___ " and list a few things that might help shift yourself onto other things.
Its a good exercise to start things in a positive direction but not a complete solution. Another thing you can do is ask yourself goal focused questions. That can help aim your mind on more of what you DO want and can sometimes make a difference.. Even if you don't answer those questions immediately they can still have an impact. If you choose you can write down on paper "How can I progress forward in a positive direction in my relationship with myself and others?" . Let yourself answer it and build upon the answer until your satisfied.

Offline DreamsWarp

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Re: Relationship help letting go
« Reply #4 on: June 15, 2018, 02:19:49 AM »
This sounds painful. I've been there! Haven't we all? If your main goal is letting go, one of the best things you can do is allow yourself some time to feel whatever you need to feel without adding more emotional strain by judging yourself for having the feelings in the first place. Judging yourself as "bad" or "wrong," or even judging the feelings you're experiencing as "bad" or "wrong" will only lengthen the suffering. People often worry about attracting "more bad," if they allow themselves time to process their emotions. I don't think you will attract more bad--as long as the emotions don't last a really long time. You need to allow yourself time to "grieve." At the same time, you can also mix it up by using some distraction techniques throughout the day. Some people find it helpful to set aside a certain amount of time per day to "feel bad." This means, crying, allowing yourself to mope, etc. Then, after that time has passed you do something else. Do that every day for a while-- allow the emotions. Once they have run their course, you'll know. You'll also be stronger on the other side. I can recommend a YouTube video related to dealing with painful feelings while practicing LoA, if you're interested. Let me know if you want the link. Best wishes to you!

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Offline Alexbally

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Re: Relationship help letting go
« Reply #5 on: June 15, 2018, 04:04:47 AM »
DreamsWarp

Quick question....
Why would you choose to attach yourself to the illusion of the mind and the delusion it creates in terms of thoughts and emotions by acknowledging them at all?
That surely just produces perpetual cycles of unhappiness....

As none of it's real, why not see it for what it really is behind the veil and pay no more attention to it than you would a thought about what you will watch on tv tonight?

Judging your self as anything at all is rather silly, for the you that you think you are, is not really you at all.

Offline DreamsWarp

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Re: Relationship help letting go
« Reply #6 on: June 15, 2018, 04:34:01 AM »
AlexBally

While I 100% agree that in the ultimate reality what you say is true, the OP seems to be struggling with a difficult combo of thinking and feeling and I do not think he/she is capable of simply seeing it as an "illusion" and simply letting it go at this point. Not all of us are there yet. I see so many people struggle with LoA and reactionary emotions that are "normal" to MOST people. I feel the need to "start where the person is at." So, to simply say, "hey ignore that--it's just an illusion," doesn't seem to offer much compassion. That's why I suggest dealing with the painful feelings which already SEEM to exist, and slowly pull out of them to then focus on shifting perception to more positive thoughts / feelings. I believe that, over time, the individual's "time" within the "painful" feelings will shorten. Eventually, with steady practice, and evolution, the person will get to the point where you already seem to be.

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Offline Alexbally

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Re: Relationship help letting go
« Reply #7 on: June 15, 2018, 05:56:22 AM »
Thank you for detailing in reply DreamsWarp. I see the validity and semi agree with it. It's the choice between ripping the plaster straight off or slowly edging it off piece by piece.
My only issue with the slowly slowly process is that this 'allocated time of the day to cry it out' starts to become a bit of a safety blanket for some and they struggle to totally let go of the addiction altogether. I mean, the easiest way to stop smoking is simple....just don't pick up another cigarette and voila....this is not a great deal different.

Do people wait to hit rock bottom before thinking to themselves "fuck this bullshit" or do they consciously make the decision to think like this here and now.....I suppose it is down to the individual involved but if people are not aware of any alternative then forever they shall be trapped in repeating the cycle.

Thanks again DW and welcome here.

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Offline DreamsWarp

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Re: Relationship help letting go
« Reply #8 on: June 15, 2018, 06:09:37 AM »
I do hear where you're coming from. I believe I have a bias that can get in the way of going with the band aid approach. I've been a psychotherapist for 15 years. I worked in trauma for 8 of those years and MOST of the people I saw were in crippling emotional pain following some of the most horrendous situations you could possibly imagine. I agree that the pain IS ultimately illusory. But telling them that at that point in time would have been inappropriate (to put it mildly). So, I like the Buddhist approach (I practice Zen). While Zen Buddhism also holds the view that ultimately ALL pain in illusory and that even the "self" is nothing more than a phantom created by our brains, humans are suffering due to their "karma" or "current reality." As such, waking someone from it takes different forms, depending on the state of mind from which the person begins. I've enjoyed this exchange with you. Best wishes.

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Offline Imitation_deg

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Re: Relationship help letting go
« Reply #9 on: June 15, 2018, 06:56:03 AM »
I'm in a similar situation..
Just ended a "relationship" with somebody last Tuesday.
Was fighting the emotions but I completely agree with Dreamswarp.
I finally allowed myself to FEEL and PROCESS my emotions and slowly I am feeling better and less-detached, needy, and anxious.
If you're not ready to take the next step in LoA to manifest, you need to tackle what is blocking you from doing so.

In this case, it's the emotions that need to be grieved.  Allow yourself time to grieve and give yourself space.  I've been doing that.  My mind has been clearing, and in fact, there is a part of me that is thinking that I don't want to be with him at all.  I care about him greatly and I would love it if we could be together.  But there is resistance.

I don't know where it's coming from, but all I know is that there is something within myself that is blocking me from enjoying myself.  What helped me realize that was the distance I've been giving him this past week.  And now I am focused on figuring out how to let go of that resistance.  Because I know that if that resistance goes away, I will be enjoying myself, and he will appreciate my state of mind and will be attracted to it, and he will want to be with me.

So I've been focused on myself.  Taking myself out on dates, dressing up for myself, pampering myself, going to places I've always wanted to go, treating myself to dinner, etc.  I recently started volunteering at a place I've always wanted to volunteer at, but I just hadn't gotten around to it.

I'm becoming more excited about the people I am meeting, the life I am building for myself, and just doing and living and just being in the moment.  Not trying to worry about anything and just being excited about the life I am allowing myself to live.  Seriously, it's about being grateful for the moments you have.  In fact, I am getting so excited about the idea of who and what the Universe will bring next into my life.

I am also thinking about him and I am realizing that I am moving on.  The thought does make me feel a little sad, because I do enjoy him in my life and I am worried that moving on means he will not come back.  This is something I need to work on for myself, and I am trying to figure out how to move past these emotions.
And what I think will help me is to allow myself to feel these emotions out because eventually, they will dissipate.  Feelings are not forever and I have recently learned that they tend to stick around longer when you fight them.

Anyway, I've been ranting.
It'll get easier by each day.  Sometimes it is a good idea to force yourself to get out of that slump and start living life.  It is healthy to grieve it, but don't waste a beautiful summer day in your room, moping.  You'll feel better about yourself if you do it.  And when you feel better about yourself, you'll get out of that funk.  Your vibrations will raise.  And in turn, you will feel even better.  And then your vibrations will raise even higher.  And then you'll be so happy and excited and everything you want will come to you, effortlessly.
Because you are so happy and excited about yourself.  You're loving yourself more, loving the people around you more, loving the Universe more.  You'll get so caught up in that and you can't even imagine all the possibilities that are out there for you.

So what's the first step?  Take yourself out of your state of mind.  Do what is necessary to take yourself out of it.  And TRUST ME.  Universe WILL give you everything you want when you're ready for it.

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Offline DreamsWarp

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Re: Relationship help letting go
« Reply #10 on: June 15, 2018, 07:23:35 AM »
Imitation_Deg Well said. Sounds like you're doing it exactly the way I would do it. Like I said above, from the perspective of ultimate reality, yes, it is true that we could "instantly" drop suffering. I find however, that due to our own personal histories, a certain momentum exists around certain combinations of thoughts and feelings. This momentum has to naturally run out of steam in order to begin "spinning the plate" in a new direction. How do you get momentum to cease the fastest? Not fighting it. Allowing it and building space around it--I find the BEST way to do that is meditation. I can recommend a YouTube video that covers this topic in depth. It's called "Law of attraction vs denial of how you feel." It basically addresses dealing with painful feelings while still practicing LoA. Let me know if you'd like the link. Best wishes to you!

Offline Alexbally

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Re: Relationship help letting go
« Reply #11 on: June 15, 2018, 07:29:42 AM »
So I've been focused on myself.  Taking myself out on dates, dressing up for myself, pampering myself, going to places I've always wanted to go, treating myself to dinner, etc.  I recently started volunteering at a place I've always wanted to volunteer at, but I just hadn't gotten around to it.

True happiness comes from doing something simply just for the love of doing it, not for any material gain.

It is healthy to grieve it

No not really, but if that makes you feel comfortable then keep on crying.
Energy flows where attention goes, so if you keep feeding sadness with more sadness, you'll get more sadness. This is LOA at its simplest.

Quantity of emotional pain and suffering is not relative to any circumstance, it is relative to the individual awareness.

The key really is to not indulge in the suffering as this will subtley perpetuate it further. Instead just see it and observe it. It will disappear without you even noticing how or when or why....just like a headache does. There is no fighting against anything in this because how can you fight something that really is not even there?
Suffering is the minds way of telling you that you are indulging in the illusion of separation.
« Last Edit: June 15, 2018, 07:33:46 AM by Alexbally »

Offline Alexbally

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Re: Relationship help letting go
« Reply #12 on: June 15, 2018, 07:31:18 AM »
I've enjoyed this exchange with you.

Thank you and me too DW and welcome aboard.
All the best.

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