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Offline JoyfulCompany

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knowing why, not knowing how
« on: May 23, 2013, 03:17:34 PM »
    Hello, good people!

    I am new here and new with the main subject of the forum. So far I just rode the carousel of my life with no special attitude, which, in my case, meant the wrong attitude (pessimism runs in my family, I didn't discover it myself  :D).

    The exciting part of the journey began three years ago after a frustrating breakup with my previous boyfriend. I was all alone, my friends were abroad or living elsewhere so I had no choice but to cope with that myself. It was hard, sad, quiet and beautiful, I found myself for the first time and started being aware of things I wasn't before. I am very grateful for that period. Amazing things happened - new friends, new love, new home...

    So now I know for all the reflecting and projecting that is going on. I know why things happen to me. I know most of the poisonous mental habbits I have. But I still don't know what to do with that knowledge and return the power in my own hands. Sometimes it is so hard to stay positive. There are days in which my vibration is high, I can feel it, and even if something is wrong, I have inspiration and faith. But there are also days I am so down and even if I try to be positive, nothing helps, my mental landscapes are dark, painful and desperate and I cannot detach from them. The latter is happening rigth now.

    I live with my new love for six months now. We've been together for two and a half years, approximately the amount of time I was with my previous boyfriend, when he out of nowhere left me for another girl. He [my ex] was warm, loving and caring at one moment and at the other - cold, distant, claiming all has been dead between us for some time before the breakup. I am mentioning that because I think that previous experience traumatized me and left the fear and the belief that it is going to happen with everyone from now on. That I am dull, conforming and boring and sooner or later everyone will seek something better and brighter. I know that is sealed in my unconciousness and as time goes by and it all starts coming true it becomes also a concious belief  :-X.

    With my new love it was never easy but I was grateful for the lessons I learned. He can be warm and loving one day and cold and distant the other and from his perspective nothing has changed (but I am very sensitive on the subject and for me the whole world changes  :-[). He knows about my fears and issues, he has told me he wants to be helpful but actually he is part of the matter and I know he couldn't. Not that I see him trying too hard but it's better this way, I don't want to drag him down and make him sad. We are young, we should be having more fun and be more joyful.

    Things are not good lately. I feel I am pushing him away. I am in a period I feel very insecure and I am constantly hoping he will do something nice, he will be happy to see me, he will be interested in me and we will spend more time together. But I have set myself for disappointment with these expectations. After work he goes on rehearsals with his band or on gatherings with colleagues and returns around or past midnight. And when we have free time together he always wants us to go out with our mutual friends or to invite them home. Not that this is a bad thing but then he kinda ignores me - laughs with the others and is silent with me. I am in a dead lock with this situation. I know I've attracted this attitude. I am very unhappy now and that ties my hands - I have no desire of anything. I cried so much last night because I realised that even though I love him (I am sure I do and do want him in my life) when I see him I can't feel this love I feel only hurt, disappointment and guilt that I've messed things so much. That the weekend is coming and he won't be excited we are going to be together but he will find something to do without me and that will devastate me.

    Dear people, I feel depressed and miserable. I know I can be fun, loving and caring girl but for some reason I cannot connect with myself. I am losing myself, I am losing my love. Please, do yo have any suggestions, where to start, what to do?

    Thank you!

Offline Shreeya

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Re: knowing why, not knowing how
« Reply #1 on: May 23, 2013, 03:33:18 PM »
Hi JoyfulCompany,

Please have a look to this link : http://www.powerlawofattraction.com/forum/index.php?topic=1864.0

Love & Prosperity.. :)

Offline Ginny

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Re: knowing why, not knowing how
« Reply #2 on: May 23, 2013, 03:45:48 PM »
I think you need to (and I realise that this is much easier said than done) stop looking to this man to be the source of your happiness.

Ideally, you should have an unlimited supply of joy and happiness within you anyway - this is our default state of being, before we get distracted by unhelpful thought patterns which take our attention away from our natural state of joyfulness. So, your objective is to find that natural state of joy within yourself, and then be open to or even seek out the opportunities and experiences that add to that joy. But your default state is that you have that sense of joy first, regardless of what your man is doing.

So, first, you find that state - there are a lot of good resources for finding this. Depending on your personal preferences, one author or teacher may resonate with you more than another. I suggest Frank Kinslow, Jack Pransky, or Richard Carlson for a start (they all say the same thing, but in slightly different ways. Even Eckhart Tolle, whom I loathe, I'm told is incredibly useful for some people - and he says a similar thing)

So, hopefully one of the above teachers can help you to identify your natural connection with source, which is an unlimited supply of joy and happiness that is always available to you, regardless of your external circumstances.

Then, once you are connected to your source, do what pleases you. If your man is not giving you the attention you desire, turn your attention to people who do give you what you want (I am not suggesting you cheat on him - just don't depend on him to give you what you want - open your awareness to all the things that give you joy. You may find that he picks up on this vibration and starts treating you more as you would desire. Or you may find that there is someone else who is a better match for you, and it is time to move on. Only you know what feels right to you)
« Last Edit: May 23, 2013, 03:47:33 PM by Ginny »

Offline Satt

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Re: knowing why, not knowing how
« Reply #3 on: May 23, 2013, 04:11:31 PM »
You already know. You and only you can fix you.
At some level. I believe you also know our feelings comes from inside of us.
You feel what you feel. Your BF dosnt feel what your feelings...no matter
how compassionate, empathy he might or not act.

You also know..it's a habit that you developed while in a previous relationship.
Whether it was your fault or not...by default you developed thought process
or thinking patterns that triggers negative emotions....natural chemicles that our brain
generate. Your brain receptors had alter or changed to process these chemicles.
In a way your brain had became addicted to these types of chemicles because your
brain's receptors had changed.

If you can see it in this light...perhaps you can stop beating up on yourself
, think there's something morbidly wrong with you or you're crazy...
In other words take the morals and judgements out of the equations.

Bascailly you wanna to develop habits of triggering good feelings. Your brain's
receptors will adjust and change accordingly.

You can take baby steps. Make a gratitude list. Make a list of anything positive
in your life. Appricate life, air, music or whatever you enjoy.
Maybe practice triggering good feelings then try to feel it for 60 sec.
Then gradually build on that.
Basically Abraham Hicks will teach you how to pivot from negative to positive.

Plus not everyone is gonna feel good all the time..
"This too shall pass" is a recovery tool Ive learn and use often.
I still feel negative emotions or anxieties from time to time..
I just feel them or process them...then they pass through me.
I don't figure it out anymore.

You might also try EFT..tapping to release you negative emotions...
But the process is the same...You actually feel whatever it is you feel
and tell yourself/ " I love myself unconditionally as I am, at this moment"
As you tap...and feel whatever it is you feel and let go of them.

You might also try listing to the Sedona method.
It gose in holistic healing...bascailly the same principle.
Dive into your feelings. Embrace your feelings.
Feelings are like clouds...you'll go right through.

The Sedona also suggest or have exercise of letting go on both side of the coin.
I feel good...(let go) I feel like shit (let go)...over and over again..
Oh fucken well...I feel like shit. Then what?????
After a while your brain just process everything at a faster rate or your
emotions gose through you faster...

The reason why you also wanna to let go of positive feelings is because...
it gets better and better and better.

Example...if you're holding on to just feeling good...you gatta let go of feeling good
in order to feel great...I hope that make sense.

Offline JoyfulCompany

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Re: knowing why, not knowing how
« Reply #4 on: May 23, 2013, 04:38:52 PM »
Hello, Shreeya, Ginny, Satt! Thank you for your posts!

Shreeya, do you suggest I should formulate and write down what I want?  : )

Ginny, I know you are right. I know all is within me. I've tried to connect with myself, I've even succeeded for brief moments. I cannot find my own constant simple method, which helps me achieving that. Only holotropic breathing and a special spiritual diet had brought me closer to the natural state. And I have the feeling that, if it is so natural, I shouldn't be trying to achieve it I should just BE it... I don't like Eckhart Tolle, either, his words are just not my soul food. I've never heard of the other three, I'll see if we get along with some of them. I enjoy reading Jung, but at the same time I feel big preassure and guilt :D...

Satt, your words I feel very close. It's totally that. With years of practise, I've developed the bad chemistry production thing (I've even had anxiety outbursts so I know also of how adrenaline could help producing bad hormones(cortisol) or good hormones(dopamine, endorphine, I think) and how they feel). I think I am really looking for that - how to substitute bad habits with good ones, because only analyzing doesn't help.

Thank you all, so much! I really needed your words! I am so stuck and your words are setting my soul in motion.
« Last Edit: May 23, 2013, 04:44:20 PM by JoyfulCompany »

Offline Ginny

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Re: knowing why, not knowing how
« Reply #5 on: May 23, 2013, 04:52:27 PM »
Ginny, I know you are right. I know all is within me. I've tried to connect with myself, I've even succeeded for brief moments. I cannot find my own constant simple method, which helps me achieving that. Only holotropic breathing and a special spiritual diet had brought me closer to the natural state. And I have the feeling that, if it is so natural, I shouldn't be trying to achieve it I should just BE it... I don't like Eckhart Tolle, either, his words are just not my soul food. I've never heard of the other three, I'll see if we get along with some of them. I enjoy reading Jung, but at the same time I feel big preassure and guilt :D...

If you like Jung, then we are probably quite similar in our tastes.

I was not able to identify this natural state of joy until I read Kinslow's book, Beyond Happiness. He has a very simple meditation exercise that enabled me to identify it straight away, in less than 5 minutes. Then he says to practise for a few minutes every hour, so I did. Sometimes I forgot, but in times of stress I would go back to the exercise. Now, a few years later, this has become a natural state for me. I feel joyful most days. Sometimes I just notice it when I'm doing something else. Sometimes I still get anxious, but when that happens I just take a step back and try to be objective about my emotions. One thing that Jack Pransky, Richard Carlson and Abraham-Hicks have in common is that they all say that if yo are feeling stressed or unhappy, then it is a sign that your thinking isn't right. Your emotions tell you if you are thinking correctly, in a similar way to how your pain receptors tell you if you are using your body correctly.

I hope some of those authors help - good luck!

Offline Satt

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Re: knowing why, not knowing how
« Reply #6 on: May 23, 2013, 05:06:39 PM »
You might also try brain sync or selfggio tone....
bascailly those video on youtube of healing tones.

514 hrz is for healing.

What these tones dose is generate a ghost tome in your brain.
It helps to synchronize our brain better and wake up parts of our brain we don't use.

It helps me...for some reason. After I listen to those tones..I feel chilled.lol

it's also why monks hummmm or ohm.lol

If you get into LOA..its all about vibes...our brain waves which gose hand in hand
with sound waves...The human ear cant hear all the sound waves.

You might also try taking B5 and B12 to promote good moods.
bascailly some of my mood swing is by my diet or lack there of.

Sometimes a simple shower or bath helps me.
Bascailly a cool shower helps lower my brain tempetature.
When I feel stress or bad...ect I just hope in the show or run cool water over
my head...I feel better.

I might also try elimating fluoride from your life as much as possible.
Fluoride is waste toxic chemicals from production plants.
Its put into our water system and toothpath.
You can get water system filters.
What dose it do???? It blocks our pineal gland...the part of our brain that release
natural endrophine.

Offline JoyfulCompany

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Re: knowing why, not knowing how
« Reply #7 on: August 15, 2013, 04:33:49 PM »
Dear people,

Thank you once again for your help!
I really wanted to tell you that your posts lifted my spirit right away, the very same day I wrote here, without doing anything special, and it was beautiful. Actually reading this forum does that pretty well itself. If you want you may skip the italic paragraphs as they are a little aside from the idea of the forum.

I've been identifying with that funny lonely little petunia that lives inside me for as long as I can remember (I'm still not really sure where did it come from, I see things that disturbed me as a child but I consider them pretty normal and not a good enough reason to develop such a negative worldview). Detaching from that point of view is very new, hard and interesting. Sometimes it feels like going 1 step forward 2 steps back. Isn't it funny? You have your deadly habbit but it is so familiar it somehow creates comfort, your false believes give your ego security and it won't let go easily. Stripping of all these is fascinating. But for me it's like trying to learn how to walk again. I feel very clumsy and unexperienced as it comes to happiness and letting go. Is it normal that this process is so slow or is it a result from a lack of strong will to change?

As to the setting of the drama... As I wrote, I instantly felt good and calmed down after reading here. So we've had our good time again! Also, at the beginning of June I had to go on a business trip abroad for two weeks where I really tried to have fun instead of being homesick (and it happened!). When I returned it's hard to me to explain what person met me at the airport - the absolutely perfect boyfriend! Glowing with love, caring, tender... It was so unreal because I didn't expect that from him anymore.  ;D It was too much in the good way. I was so happy!

This was the step ahead, now the two back... The above lasted for a couple of days. Then, the excitement started going down, it was okay for a while and then... Hello again, bottom!  ;D No interest, piles of ignoring, even undeserved spite and annoyance at times. I still petrify on those as a reflex. In them I see my parents' relationship and I'm disgusted (I think my parents never realized that their personal example had stronger influence than their wishful spoken teachings (it's okay for us to be miserable as long as you, children, are happy... wait, what?!  ???) but this is another story).

Let me demonstarte you my usual coping skills in such situations.  ;D Ok, I know he's just reflecting me but, gosh, what to do with that knowledge?! So, the usual, I didn't say anything to him, because, well I cannot blame him and he looks okay, so it seems I'm the only one having problem. Also, as much as I'm terrified of it (fear of rejection), talking with him about how I feel has only helped for a brief moment in the past. Talking to someone else - I don't have bff-s anymore, and with other friends I prefer having good time instead of complaining. I was beating myself up for the whole situation and my head felt constantly near exploding. For a whole week I was waking up with that "ughh!" in the stomach. The result was I didn't want anything connected with him anymore. I just needed my inner piece back so bad. And to be able to laugh again. Usually it's best if you don't have to go through the whole suffering to remind yourself what you really need but hey, I'm a little slow.  ;D

Last couple of days my focus shifted back onto me and my harmony. I saw that it's impossible to forcefully fix a relationship. It is a Sisyphus' effort. The amount of efforts to find your way to really cool down is much smaller and fruitful. I know this is a common knowledge but when you just know it and don't feel it you receive the previous paragraph in my post. The bad thing is I ofthen lose that feeling and voila - caught in the same mental web.

Here are the things that have helped me so far to get back on my feet:
 - The gratitude list. Love it. Writing it makes me see how things are not so bad I imagine them to be. Reading it... well, it may bring teras of joy sometimes. (:
 - Formulating what I want and write it down. Stripped to the very concrete details. And you know why - so that when it happens you know for sure it has. Abstract desires are hard to follow. Also, they come with the small things.
  - EFT for miracles. I feel gooooood doing it and after that.  ;)
  - Physical movement. It doesn't matter if I had gone dancing or entirely cleaned my house. It's important to warm up or even get tired. This energy we have should be properly used so that it does not stagnate.

The result of that? We had a very honest conversation last night. I was able to start it and not feel desperate during it, although it was hard at times and I had prepared myself for "the worst" (a breakup which I evaluated less bad than being in an unhappy one). He told me it's frustrating for him that he thought everything was fine and it suddenly appeared that something has been broken for a long time. But, yeah, that he recently feels I'm not happy with him, that he cannot give me what I want, that he wants to be free to do many things with many people without me and without feeling I am jealous of his time. As a whole his idea for a relationship is more free, doing most of the things separately and mine is more united, doing most of the things together. He told me that him sometimes conforming  first with everybody else and last with me doesn't happen because I'm his backup when he doesn't have other plans but because he thinks we are together anyway, not necessarily physically. As a whole, I know he needs a lot of private space (I need some too) and I give it to him and I'm happy seeing him happy (which is rare) but when he acts cold in the little time we spend together is when I don't agree. I'm very grateful for this conversation and of him beng who he is.
Sorry for magnifying details, but I hope this is somehow illustrative on some aspects of having issues and being in a romantic relationships.  ;D


So that's all for now. I'm very excited to try different techiques and gather the experience. It's like having a whole new box of colourful chalks!
Thank you once again! May the light be in your hearts!


 

Offline Satt

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Re: knowing why, not knowing how
« Reply #8 on: August 15, 2013, 09:32:21 PM »
I think it's healthy for you to be able to communicate with your BF. Speak your mind,
express your feelings and tell him what you want or need from the relationship.
I don't believe you're asking for too much.

It's more simple than you think. If you felt obpressed it might feel odd or with some level
of guilt. You're not too demanding..so don't feel guilty.

It's basic good self esteem 101...kind of like standing up for yourself.

Ive been with different women enough to know better. I had to learn too.lol

I had to be set straight on the matter straight up by someone I was dating.
We wernt living together yet...So it was easier for me to grasp and figure out.
She told me straight up...." if you spend time with me...be with me. it's my time, our time"
No talk about friends, work, other women, music...ect No, it's my alone time...ect
From that moment on. When we went on a date...it was with her time.
I stay in the moment with her...open to do whatever with her. I hope that makes sense.

Your BF simply dosnt know how to shift gears yet or his been spoil.lol
Im also a musician too..btw.
When I play with my band..i play with my band. I focus on my music.

It made all the sense in the world to me...because when I went to work. My employers
demanded that I do the samething. Whatever the heck personal challenges I had...I had
to leave at the front gate. I had to focus on my job. And that was that....
My job was important to me...
If my GF was important to me...When ever I  enter her world. Whatever the heck
work responsibilities...ect..ect I had to leave out of her world. And that was that.
I focus on her.lol SIMPLE....

When I got into a long term relationship...after the honey moon stage and seeing each other
and sleeping with each other everyday.
My gf at that time kind of got lost in everything. She worried about her job, kids, family..ect.
And sometimes she would feel sad or say we lost the romance...
Well...I had to set her straight.
Our lives was on a schedule...so we had to come an agreement to make the time and room
for our love/romance life. We both needed and wanted that. Our love and romance deserve
that....
So we schedule 2 nights each week dedicated to our love/romance. The world, kids, responsibilities, god, friends, family, hobbies, music ect..ect had to be left out of our love life time and world...and that was that.lol
We had a gift exchange night. It didn't matter what gifts..wheather we bought it, made it,
big or small....anything I can give her. We both needed that. To give and RECIEVE.
I'd write songs, poams, get her flowers, made her a bubble bathe...ect
After all Im a musican..Im creative.lol it actually helped me to get creative.
I actually enjoy trying to figure out  how I can surprise her each week. It was fun.
My gf would  get me guitar picks, guitar strings, sometimes balloons, cards...it didn't matter
whatever her creativity was. We give and received...not just on a mental and emotional level.
Sometimes you gatta go through the motion of physically doing and create it.

Then we had our date night. It help to keep us active and romantic as a couple.
Like we were dating at the beginning of the relationship. It didn't matter where I went
with her. It was still our time. Even if we hang with friends...I was still on a date with her.
I didn't ignore her. She was my date. We did all kinds of ramantic stuff. Weekends get away..ect. We were dating. and that was that..

It was beyond the sex. We had sex all the time regaurdless. It was the love and romance.
we both needed and wanted that. To fall in love again and again. Keep the fire burning.
I had to put effort into it and stop taking her for granted. She had to do the same.
Make room and time for it. And be in the moment with her again and again.

I also had my work time, alone time, family  hobbie time...ect too
I made room for those things...I had to make room and be in the moment with my GF
too.. SIMPLE.

It's bullshit when people say they need private space...not all the freaken time.
I had plenty of private space while dating or living with people.
I believe your BF is taking his relationship with you for granted.
Im a guiltar player...I know I can get all egotistic. Of course there's plenty of women
that'll be drawn to me. The confidence and ego gets blurrrrrr...
All my GF/ex has insecurity issues for reasons. It's also because I created their jealousy and insecurities.
He can get snotty and childish all he wants...If he was adult about it and smart about it.
He can figure it out. It's simple focus and dedications to what he loves. And being in the
moment with what he loves.
He gets into the moment when he plays his music...I assure you. It's natural a process
of being a musician. He simply has to apply that same principle with you.
He'll get piss off too if you tell him. No one like to told they're wrong and fucking up.
Espeailly if you have an ego.lol
If he truly loves you..he'll understand. He'll get humble. It's not about being judged.
it's simple making error corrections.
Im pretty sure he played plenty of sour notes in his life. Sometimes other people had
to tell him he sounded like shit.lmao
He make correction for those errors. he knows how to fix mistakes.
Yes sometimes playing music get boring...a musician has that flame that keeps burning
low or bright inside of him. It never dies. It's something he truly loves.
He'll also go back to the basics of everything and practice it.

Rainbow-'Jealous Lover'-1981
« Last Edit: August 15, 2013, 10:57:29 PM by Satt »

Offline Laughoutloudx3

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Re: knowing why, not knowing how
« Reply #9 on: August 16, 2013, 07:45:30 AM »
What a beautiful response Satt. Btw i love your "gift exchange" day. I will be doing that with my love when we get back into a relationship :) :P

Offline JoyfulCompany

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Re: knowing why, not knowing how
« Reply #10 on: August 16, 2013, 02:58:29 PM »
Satt,

Your answer again has been very valuable to me. Thank you so much for sharing part of your world!

When my parents met my boyfriend, my dad's reaction was very prejudiced. He didn't try to know him but he told me (because he cares in his way  ;D) that I am going to suffer with this man, that the worm of jealousy is going to eat me from inside, just because he is a musician (not as a job at the moment but you know what I mean, he is) and he's very attractive. That if at some point we have a child together I will stay with it at home while he's fucking around with other girls. And when we were about to move in together - that on his opinion I'm making a mistake.

Even though I have that jealousy issue with him sometimes (with a certain person for a certain reason  :-[), I am against that kind of thinking and try not to identify with my dad's words, I truly believe that we can go beyond that cliche, actually, with love - beyond any cliche.
(Actually my boyfriend used to be very familiar with the green monster (with that same certain person), and a couple of times with me too but I really prefer not to trigger that in him. My point is he knows very well how it feels like.)
All the troubles have been an invitation for a personal growth not a promise for a fucked up life, dad. They have pushed me beyond some of my boundaries and expanded my horizon... after all, they are the reason I'm reading here.


With what you wrote you showed me a very concrete and simple example of how going beyond the everyday stuffing can be done. I like that. We'll find our things to do. Thank you! Also, I would like to congratulate you on finding such a beautiful drive in life as music is. I know how it keeps you in touch with yourself. I'm searching for mine.

A little update with the synchronicity of the world.
First thing. Yesterday I decided to be regular on my journal for a month, to observe some aspects in my life and write them down. In the evening I met a friend of mine who returned from the USA being there for about a month on some program. She had a gift for me - a beautiful notebook with owls, perfect for my insight work. And among the postcards she had bought with different NY landscapes, museums and architecture there was one (white words on black background) with the following quote:

“Life begins at the end of your comfort zone” - Neale Donald Walsch
 ;)

Second thing. One very unexpected 'I love you' in my ear this morning! It was in my second experimental weekly manifestation, it came a day late but it completed the list. It was so nice, warm and in place. I haven't heard that for over a month. But I have to admit that actually the most important thing the past week was for me to feel my inner love flowing again because at some point I was so numb and detached from myself, so tired and empty... When that happened I really didn't need the three magical words (in my language they are two, actually) to ignite it. Yet, here they are.

I don't have anything else to say. I'm full of peace, gratitude and quiet joy at this very moment. Thank you for your help!
Hope you are there too!
 

Offline Satt

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Re: knowing why, not knowing how
« Reply #11 on: August 17, 2013, 10:02:53 PM »
Im glade and happy for you. That you are at peace. Im glade positive things are flowing
into your life. The better it gets. The better it gets.

Well...Kimi (our daughter) is a super model. She gets her beauty from her mother
and attitude from me.lol

What Im saying is...You know you're attractive. Very beautiful inside and out.
Us musicians are picky. You didn't think he missed you or felt unsecured/jealouse himself
when you went on vacation for a month?lol  He knows what he has....

It takes a very strong loving woman to put up with us sometimes.

I understand about forbidden love. Its a theme between Renae and I. It swings
both side of our family. It's actually a theme just for being me.

Yes, one of those things Renae and I struggle with...Letting go of  ideas
that we were raised with. Getting out of our comfortzone.

I also knows she loves me a lot..because she tries and tries again, Against odds.
It's one of those things that she has to process and walk through herself.
And I cant fix her...

Im stll learning as I go. I feel more peaceful today. It's getting better for me too.






Offline JoyfulCompany

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Re: knowing why, not knowing how
« Reply #12 on: October 03, 2013, 06:01:00 PM »
Hello again!

I guess I really need to continue sharing in this thread...

So far I can say I really think I am a little bit more optimistic than I used to be. Because of this forum, because of the shared experience in it, because of your help. Thank you! Actually this little change for me is huge. Something good is beginning to happen. I am often amazed by the calm positive thoughts that come in my head. I didn't know I was able to receive such. (: Not that I don't have my usual ones, but they don't define my whole world now.

Of course, if I had figured it all out I wouldn't have been here...

All went smooth with us for a while. I stopped being jealous of his time. And funny thing! He was home right after work almost every day and we spent a lot of time together. So idle, that I was afraid it's even boring for him. Did I mention that I'm always afraid I'm boring (and the sequence of that mental habit is: I'm boring -> he gets fed up -> he realizes he's wasting his time with me -> he leaves)?

But last night things went a little out of the rut. The occasion was silly. We were playing some board game with friends. He did something mean in the game and it made me very angry. Game ended, others went home, we sang some songs, watched some movie cuddling but when we were about to go to sleep, he had this sad look on his face. I asked him what was wrong. And he said it maked him sad that he was not able to do whatever he wants even in a game. That with my inability to separate things (real life, game) I continue being very demanding on him, that he has to act in a certain way so that I'm okay. And that a game is for playing roles and experimenting, not projecting your usual mask.

He has a point. I'm not able to separate things. When we play, even if everyone plays for himself, I'm still a team player. I'm not so happy to win as I'm seeing him winning and being happy, I can't act mean to him and I feel offended when he does. (Man, it must be very unpleasant to play with me! (: )

The conversation went bitter. He was suddenly very upset with my reaction. Usually I'm terrified on all levels of such "me vs. you" topics. Mostly, because these I consider the most sincere and serious and I'm so afraid of rejection. Also, because I'm very judgmental on myself not being cool enough with things - I wish I am but I'm not, I know that and it hurts to hear it reflected from my closest person.

First unusual thing - as upset as I became (sad, guilty, helpless, tearful, shaking - my body was acting like a trapped animal (anxious people will understand)), my mind was a bit clearer than before and very calm. I was in the situation but also I was looking at it sideways. I was able to choose not to defend myself, because I did agree with him to some extent and because being right at all costs brings nothing but stagnation. I did not agree only with him consciously trying to make me feel guilty in return of me unconsciously trying to make him feel guilty for what he did in the game earlier.

Many dramatic words and thoughts came to me but I was able to choose not to say them. I told him we were doing the same thing - forcing our own views (of a game) to the other (single or team play) and that I don't know what to do because I'm also not willing to suppress my natural reaction just to make him feel better. That each of us wants the other to be more like himself instead of accepting him like he is, but it's very unlikely someone will change because of that. He asked "Can't we both be ourselves and just respect each other?". I told him for me this is the case most of the time and it's normal that, being so different, sometimes we cross our views like that. He said he was sleepy and asked that we continue this conversation some other time. I was still anxious and unable to sleep (something left unfinished, he initiated the conversation but didn't reply to my attempt for reconciliation), so I said "good night", waited for him to fall asleep and went to the other room.

Second unusal thing. Normally, I will cry my eyes out of desperation and exhaustion. Negative thoughts were already racing wildly. I took the acoustic guitar and tried to find a melody of a song I like by ear (I can't play just quietly strike the strings and listen). The activity really calmed me down but I was still unable to go to bed. So I tried some improvised EFT (I'm not even a beginner). First felt the physical discomfort in my body (chest and stomach), then identified my emotions and the fear behind them. When the tense was relieved I said some positive and soothing words and was ready to sleep.


I can conclude a few things:
1. EFT is the most helpful technique in emergencies (at least for me). I tried drinking a glass of water on small sips and fixing my breathing but they alone didn't help. Combined with EFT - immediate results.
2. Positivity and negativity are somehow accumulating habits. When you act as per one of it, you quickly "get" more and more amounts of it and soon tune to it easily and even naturally. The one is no more powerful than the other. Same force, different direction.
3. Sharing really helps seeing better. I have this misbelief that you tend to make a big problem out of an small issue when you talk about it and it's better to keep it for yourself. But actually if you talk about it with the right attitude sometimes you see the small issue has been a helpful hint that you must turn your attention to something important in you/your life before it has become a really big problem, solvable with extreme measures.

Being too sensitive is so exhausting! And exciting. Have you ever been there? Sorry if details have been annoying, I find some beauty in them. Do you think staring into details makes things unnecessarily complicated?

Thank you!

« Last Edit: October 03, 2013, 06:13:04 PM by JoyfulCompany »

Offline Satt

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Re: knowing why, not knowing how
« Reply #13 on: October 03, 2013, 06:53:26 PM »
He might be good at playing whatever game. He sucks at playing the game of life
with his GF.lmao
Everybody knows...you let the girl win.FFS
You just have to keep it competitive..but she always win.
When she win..I win. it's a win win situation.
Are you sure that's he cant separate a game from reality himself...after all it's just a game.

You all havnt rolled around on the flood and wrestle  or in bed, before?
We all know Im stronger than her. She's always going to try to over power me. thou.
I don't let her win so easily..that's why it's wrestling.lol...but I let her win. Then she lets
me win....

And I surely wouldn't what my woman to think I lack integrity. It's trust and security that
my woman wants.
The only time when all bets are off is when her life and/or our lives is in danger and I would anything to protect her at all cost.

Even in a fucked up argument. He just havnt learn the art of knowing he's not wrong
but letting her know she's right.lol

You could had apply Fuck it/let it go...I don't need to be right, choose peace instead.

He could had applied...fuck this game..my woman is more important. Which leads to peace, just the same.

The could have, should had but didn't.

What's done is done. It's like meshing in the gears, it'll run smoother as you go.
It's all part of a relationship. Couples fight everynow and then...and it wont be your last.

Idk...maybe try knowing you're  not wrong and letting him be right.
if it gets worst..you might have to try...fuck it, lets agree to disagree and let it go.
because you're simply arnt going to agree on everything.

At least he knows where you stand. it might take time for it to sink into him.

I hope you feel better. Don't be so hard on yourself.
« Last Edit: October 03, 2013, 07:24:14 PM by Satt »

Offline JoyfulCompany

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Re: knowing why, not knowing how
« Reply #14 on: October 03, 2013, 08:30:01 PM »
Satt,

You are unbelievably straightforward!

Thank you for the support, my eyes watered a bit!
Also, at some things I laughed. Don't be so hard on him, after all you are reading only from my perspective. Maybe I'm the psycho chick that invents the problems in his otherwise cloudless life, you don't know. (:

Just kidding.

"lets agree to disagree and let it go" is my favourite. That's how it has to be! I hope we will be there at some point.
I really enjoy reading your answers, I sense you are far past the problems I have. I'm glad to hear from beyond them. Hope you are mastering the problems (or the lack of them) in the next level!

And, yeah, I'm okay, thank you! Inevitably I think of last night a lot today. We talked a little everyday stuff in the morning. We'll see. It's a little awkward after a fight.

Hope things are aligning to your desires! Take care!

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