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Offline hanajeong

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Boyfriend not over his ex
« on: January 15, 2018, 03:25:44 PM »
Hi,
I am back after a long time. Long post, I appreciate everyone who takes the time to read.
I have attracted a lot of my heart desires in these past few years that I have been away. I am debt free, I have good income,  etc.

I even managed to attract the man of my dreams. BUT then.......

Flash back to the year 2016, I had let go of my LDR crush as I found him to be too much of an egoistical maniac.
So I sent out an intention to the universe to get me my ideal man, who would love me the way I deserve to be loved.

The Universe delivered. I met him online. He is sweet, handsome, and cute. everything that I could ever wish for in a man. He works in another country ( I seem to be doomed to having long distance relationships). And he is 14 years younger than me.

He told me he had recently broken off or rather dumped by his previous girlfriend of 5 years. I was ok with that as at that moment I wasn't looking to date anyone. So we would chat pretty often, everyday almost, and he would video call etc etc. A few months in, he said he loves me. We had been laughing and joking about stuff so I didn't take it seriously. He wanted to come visit me during his vacations, so I told him to come over. And he did. He immediately went down on his knees and asked me to marry him. I was taken aback because we didn't even know each other that well. I liked him but not loved him at that time. I KNEW HE WAS ON THE REBOUND. I accepted the ring tho and told him to ask me that question a year later. I had been celibate for a looong time by then. And well, we hooked up the first night he arrived.
So he was here for a week after which he was to leave for his hometown. He grew on me during that time. What started out for me as just a casual thing was getting serious. He left for his hometown. In a couple of days I jokingly asked him to come back. HE DID. I fell in love with him. He was everything my heart wanted.
But yet I held back, as I knew he was still on the rebound. And also the age difference held me back. I never told him I LOVED him, till date. I have been trough a lot in my life. I believe I can read people well by now. I never said I loved him so that if he decided to leave me, he could. The door is always open for him to make a choice.

He left the country to go back to work. I thought that would be the end of the relationship. I held on to the ring. I wear it everyday.
He surprised me. He continued to keep in touch with almost everyday texts and phone calls.
So now all his closest friends know me, and mine know him.
 
2017
One day he told me his ex had called him. She was to be married to a person of her parents choice (the reason why she had to break up with him). She was crying and said she missed him. I could see that he was upset. She did that a few times more during the next few months.
As the date of her wedding got closer, he started becoming distant. The week she got married, he was getting drunk and barely contacting me. What didn't help was his friends sending him pictures of her wedding. I was still ok with that. I knew how it felt. Long ago, I attended my first love's wedding. I was a mess. In a couple of months tho, things went back to "normal". I thought he had accepted the death of that relationship and decided to move on. But it was not so.
He told me he wrote a song for her. I sure didn't like it, but I thought that perhaps this was his way of getting closure. Then he said he would make a music video. Again, I was like whaat? I didn't say anything.
 
Mid November:
It was time for his annual vacation again. He came down and again he was with me. I asked him about the music video, he said he wasn't going to do it. Yet a couple of weeks later, he said he was getting it done. He went back to his hometown. Shot the video. Went back to his job.

The last month has been very difficult for me. He kept posting about his video on facebook with captions about how she was his life etc and that he will always love her. I told him several times I did not like it. That it was insulting to me. He just wouldn't understand my feelings. I asked him as to where  we stood. He said we are still the same as before. But it has been hitting me hard. It has dragged up old wounds for me. (My ex-husband had an affair before we were married and through our 3 year marriage, and now is married to the same girl) All I have ever wanted is to be treated right. To be loved right. I didn't ask for a commitment nor marriage (although that wouldn't be so bad). I thought I had it with him. But seeing his facebook feed full of his ex's name (yes he used her actual name) has made me very bitter.

So I called it quits with him and went no contact. Deactivated facebook, whatsapp, and all forms of communication. He has been frantically trying to reach me. I ignore his calls.

I do want him back. But I want my boyfriend. Not somebody else's.

It's been 3 days of NC. it's getting difficult for me to cut him out like this.

Thoughts?
« Last Edit: January 15, 2018, 03:58:01 PM by hanajeong »
Awesomeness

Offline Coffee098

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Re: Boyfriend not over his ex
« Reply #1 on: January 15, 2018, 03:29:35 PM »
Keep going NC.

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Offline Superman

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Re: Boyfriend not over his ex
« Reply #2 on: January 15, 2018, 03:57:28 PM »
As I say often here now. The problem is that you focus on the person instead of the feeling you want to live as reality. People change, circumstances change, everything changes. So if you seek security in that you will be lost and depressed. Focus on generating the feeling of great relationship, of oure love, great respect and support. Use him as an image or even better use someone else that you find very attractive or that is your ideal.... dont use the persons mental image as a tool to try to control that person or even attract him... use it to generate the feeling you want. It is the key. Often to do that I dont even visualise anyone I just know how to generate that feeling in my chest.
When you focus on someone and have an intent to change him or attract him you put yourself in a position where you get very needy, attached, desperate.... it is subject fo doubt and fears... When you just focus on the feeling of being loved (not by him but just being greatly loved and supported) you feel very nurished and amazing. And it creates often great results. It may attract him of course but it may attract better... because maybe this one too is an "an egoistical maniac" so you never know. Thats why it is important to have that feeling as your base... not wasting time on trying to attract him.

Offline Coffee098

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Re: Boyfriend not over his ex
« Reply #3 on: January 15, 2018, 07:00:14 PM »
I'm sorry but I just read this again and can't believe you would consider being back with him.

It all sounds very messed up and he isn't respecting you at all.

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Offline hanajeong

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Re: Boyfriend not over his ex
« Reply #4 on: January 15, 2018, 07:26:12 PM »
I'm sorry but I just read this again and can't believe you would consider being back with him.

It all sounds very messed up and he isn't respecting you at all.

Exactly why I called it quits. I would consider getting back only if he makes me a priority in his life and lets go of his ex-obsession. We had a really good relationship. If he does not value that, oh well, good riddance. I don't plan to compete with a memory. I don't plan to compete with anybody for that matter.   
I accept my responsibility in falling in love with him despite knowing he was on the rebound. I should have known better.

I will miss him.

Offline Coffee098

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Re: Boyfriend not over his ex
« Reply #5 on: January 15, 2018, 07:40:28 PM »
I will miss mine too but we will get through this. Mine told me this morning he is dating someone else.
He expected us to still be friends. No way in hell.
I will be blocking him as of tonight.

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