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Author Topic: What happend here?  (Read 646 times)

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Offline Kauka

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What happend here?
« on: June 16, 2017, 05:30:06 PM »
Hello there, this is my first post on this forum, I try to get some understanding here, thank you.

Last year I really wanted a girlfriend. I then begun writing daily affirmations "I have a wonderful new girlfriend" and often affirmed this further when going to sleep.
Within two months of daily writing I met a girl and within a week we were together.

It was really great and we both were gladly in love with each other. She ticks off every box in my wish list for a girlfriend that I wrote earlier.
Every night when she slept in my arms I was intentionally thankful for her. When I was going to sleep alone I shortly thanked God for her and when I thought of her during the day I was also filled with graditude for having her as my girlfriend. In my imagination I even saw us together married and having a family.

Nevertheless our 6+ Months together were increasingly bumpy, we had some communication problems, I was blind for some of her emotional needs and she closed in more and more within the last few weeks.
Then she dumped me, saying that she can't do this any longer. To me it came a bit as surprise, I knewed we had some problems but I always thought we will work this out and it will get better soon.

Despite all my graditude for her I don't acted needy and always done my stuff. That was a big complaint of her that she felt she was not the number one in my priority list.

I can't quite understand why I have attracted this ending. I think consciously I have done everything right regarding the LOA. Maybe some subconscious programming?
What do you think?

Thank you for reading!

Offline PrototypeOA

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Re: What happend here?
« Reply #1 on: June 16, 2017, 11:20:13 PM »
Hey there Kauka! Welcome to the forum.

You see. It's a good thing you were not acting needy or desperate but... Going too much to the other side, not caring enough or being too distant, can hurt a girl so much that us guys can't even imagine. Women are very emotional and they are not driven by logic and reason as us men are. For example: If a man text a woman and she does not reply for like 30 minutes a true man will probably think she was in a hurry or very busy. But a woman would start thinking her man was getting cold or planing to dump her even if he was really busy.  ;D Yeah I know that sounds crazy but women are like that and we can't live without them. Even the smallest things like not giving her a hug when she asks you to because you are doing something yours can hurt her like hell for days!

 But us men tend to be blind for those things. We don't see that we are actually hurting women so much. And the craziest part is that they keep telling us that they are hurt but we just don't listen! And what happens? They start pulling away and getting colder and we don't even see that! And when they dump us we think "Wtf? How come did this happen out of the blue?" It was not out of the blue, she was hurt over and over again and you didn't see it or didn't think it was serious.

You always have to court your women. You must make her feel special and unique without being needy or desperate. You must be her rock, her mountain. You are her leader and her protector. You must protect her phsycaly and emotionally. Because of that you must never hurt your women because if you do that she won't feel safe around you, she can't trust someone who hurt her to protect her. Even if you did some stupid things like "honey I can't give you a hug right now, I'm in the middle of something over here" it has a huge impact on her emotions and while you think it is not a big deal it can be devastating to her.

SO, dude, right now you can't do anything but wait. Pursuing or pleading won't change the way she feels and using logic and reason to make her come back won't do you no good either. Go no contact and leave her be. When she misses you she will reach out. When she does set a date and get off the phone. When you meet don't talk about getting back together and stuff. Just have fun and let her relax. It will come naturally over time.

And when you rebuild the relationship try not to make the same mistakes again because if you do she will dump you again. Give her space and time to come to you at her own pace, but when she does court her and give her attention and love that she deserves. Women are naturally insecure and when your woman feels insecure she reaches out to you for security and approval. When she does you have to show her that you love her, that she is important to you and that she has a special place in your life. By doing that you make her think "Omg, I was so stupid to be so insecure, ofc he loves me, I am the happiest girl in the world to have a guy like him!"... until the next time she gets insecure. :D

SO, long story short.
-Go no contact
-When she reaches out set a date
-On a date have fun. Do not talk about breakup or making up
-When you rebuild relationship don't repeat the same mistakes that lead you to the breakup

Sending lots of love man! If you have any questions you can add me on facebook: https://www.facebook.com/prototypeoa

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Offline Kauka

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Re: What happend here?
« Reply #2 on: June 18, 2017, 10:07:04 PM »
Thank you so much, PrototypeA! You summed it up beautifully and indeed I was so blind for her emotional needs.
I did NC, but every few days she initiates contact per text to tell me something or ask and I write her back, friendly but without to much emotions.
Thank you for your support! I have added you on FB.
« Last Edit: June 18, 2017, 10:09:21 PM by Kauka »

Offline PrototypeOA

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Re: What happend here?
« Reply #3 on: June 19, 2017, 12:18:02 AM »
Dude I accidently removed your friend request. Send again.

Don't let her treat you like a friend! Ask her if she wants to meet, if she says no you say you have to run and you will catch up with her later. And then go NC again. That way you will show her that if she does not want to have you as a lover in her life she won't have you at all. If you do this one or two times then she will accept to meet because she will realise there is no other way to have you but in person.

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Offline Kauka

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Re: What happend here?
« Reply #4 on: June 19, 2017, 02:34:06 AM »
-
« Last Edit: June 19, 2017, 03:34:46 AM by Kauka »

Offline Kauka

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Re: What happend here?
« Reply #5 on: June 28, 2017, 07:51:38 PM »
I got her back - for now!
After 6 weeks she began to slowly drift back to me, contacting me more and more.
But I sensed it was more for a friendship that she would like to sustain. We met on 3 occasions and she was not susceptible for touch or anything romantic, she just wanted to catch up and be around my presence.

So on the third occasion I sat her down, put my arm around her and said very calmly and friendly to her: Look, I don't know where this is heading, but maybe you can do a small step towards me so that I know so that this will not end in a pure friendship.
I told her, that I'm not willing to proceed with a friendship. And I told her what I want for us for the future.
She slowly melted and what a step she did!

Afterwards we both were surprised, she didn't expected that outcome (neither did I) and she told me that in her mind our relationship was already finished business.
Now we are both back in love again and I hope I get my act together this time not driving her away again. I know we both have some work to do after our second honeymoon.

Thank you PrototypeQA for your coaching!
Good luck to you all!

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Offline UniversaLove

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Re: What happend here?
« Reply #6 on: July 06, 2017, 10:27:42 AM »
I wish you and your girl will work through/ work out the problems, have strong faith and a lot of care in each other ! May you two be immersed in everlasting bliss and love together~  :)

Offline msjva

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Re: What happend here?
« Reply #7 on: July 10, 2017, 02:30:46 PM »
I may not have any way to help you for that, but I wish that you two will pass the obstacles that may lead you to that situation.  :)

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