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Author Topic: Detach while Present or Eliminte His Presence?  (Read 1469 times)

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Offline MrsRobinson

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Detach while Present or Eliminte His Presence?
« on: June 12, 2017, 09:54:07 PM »
My ex-boyfriend and i were together only  very short while before i got pregnant. Of course, things were perfrct in the beginning, we were even talking about marriage. We continued to talk about our future together for thr first two years or so. However, things were far from perfect - and i recently fpund out i had abandonment issues.

Nonetheless, two weeks after the birth of our second child, he broke up with me. We continued to live together for the next year or so, however, he became more and more detached emotionally and via his physical presence. I became angrier amd angrier and eventually kicked him out.

At first, he stopped sleeping here but otherwise still lived here - belongings were here, bathed and washed clothes her. Then i told him he needs to either come back or leave altogether. So he left. However, he was STILL showering here, washing and cooking. Now that his home has somewhere to bathe, he continues washing clothes and cooking here.

He also comes daily to take my older kids to school, and help with our two younger ones. From time to time he watches the kids in my home while i am out.

Basically, his presence in my life is basically the same as it was prior to him moving out. I want my family together and i am confused about how things are panning out. At times i feel happy my family is together and other times i feel used.

I know that if i had not kicked him out we would still be living together, although i am happy with the personal growth i have made since he left. I feel like he is still standing in the doorway and it is hindering my ability to move on from our old relationship.

How do i handle this? Would telling him to be around less push him further away or should i take see his presence as an opportunity to strengthen our connection?

At times it feels lile progress and other times its as if reality is shoved in my face - we are not a couple.

Thoughts please!

Offline Superman

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Re: Detach while Present or Eliminte His Presence?
« Reply #1 on: June 12, 2017, 11:03:11 PM »
This is my advice for you MrsRobinson. Take what makes sense for you.

I feel that now you are in a difficult situation. It may be difficult for your ego, (natural pride) it is what produces the feeling of being used/exploited. IN fact the more you feel that way the more there will be events that reinforce that feeling. I strongly suggest that you give up that feeling, give up any resentment, feeling of anger and any negative emotion because obviously this situation is the reflection of those.

Instead have a playful attitude with yourself. Play with this following idea for a month and see what happens:
Become like the sun. Give without any resentement, feeling of being used, or anger. Be an a powerful giving energy. Feel powerful in the position of GIVING. But please don't do this to be loved or to gain something from him, just do it from a state of power, be geniune, authentic. Even if he is, let say the most awful person in the world try this game! Not for him but for yourself.  Pretend it is like a "difficult child", or maybe even your other self. Use compassion!

Why I say that? If you do this correctly, if you become the giving, radiating positive energy, without asking anything in return without even having an intent to have something from him. You will change your situation drastically.  Because this actual situation was caused by the just opposite of what I say here. He will feel your energy subconsciously and because you give without any condition he will shift his position too. Every of your act and word will have such a big value to him. When you do things with "non pure" intent no matter how your act is positive and giving it can not have a positive effect. The key in relationships is to be like the sun, giving, without needing nor asking anything in return. FInd your core, power and happiness in this attitude of radiation light and love... forget your own needs and expecations in this attitude. Replace it with this attitude. Give what you want to recieve. If after a month you see positive changes continue your practice if not then give up of that person if he pushes you down. But I have strong conviction in this way. I cannot say how much it "healed" all my relationships.

This attitude is of course radically different from your anger, resentment... and the effects of this attitude will have a very different effect too :D

KEY WORDS TO REMEMBER : GIVE, RADIATE, PURE ENERGY, PURE INTENT, UNCONDITIONNAL, LOVE.
AVOID: Ego, pride, anger, fears...

No one can be used nor abused when that person has pure love and pure intent. Only your ego and bad intent pushes you down and use you. Even if a person has the worst heart of the world and the most negative intent toward you if you have full love in your heart without resentment and anger then you will be untouched and it will return to the "sender". Love is the gretaest power, the greatest protection. Truely all you need is love. But again make sure you remove your pride, fears and resentment... you cannot cheat with this. Just try fully for a month.

Offline argus357

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Re: Detach while Present or Eliminte His Presence?
« Reply #2 on: June 13, 2017, 07:32:34 AM »
yea better to give than to receive...giving w/o expecting something in return, unconditional love.

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Offline MrsRobinson

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Re: Detach while Present or Eliminte His Presence?
« Reply #3 on: June 13, 2017, 07:34:24 AM »
Thank you. This makes so much sense to me. When you say give what you want to receive, is it okay for me to show my true feelings for him? I have suppressed them so long, even during the relationship, due to how things were going and being worried about how he'd react.

Offline Superman

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Re: Detach while Present or Eliminte His Presence?
« Reply #4 on: June 13, 2017, 02:25:49 PM »
Yes you can explain your anger and resentment and love but again not with a "bad" intent. Dont do it to gain something. Intent is everything it is what the other recieves. So give your true feelings but be careful that you do not crave or put preasure on him.

Above all understand that your feelings are your responsability they are yours. So you decide what feelings you cultivate.

Offline Superman

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Re: Detach while Present or Eliminte His Presence?
« Reply #5 on: June 13, 2017, 04:28:19 PM »
I forgot to mention that this is the "way" I use with my lover. I just give so much and often my pride or ego comes saying "but what about you, what do you recieve?!" Pride tries to give you fears... While love just gives... My relationship has never been so strong and intense, I recieve so much by giving. Your lover feels from what perspective you "give"! For exemple many people kind and loving but iften they are "fucked" because they do that from fear and need, very often they just get used and they get decieved. This is not possible when your giving and love is pure! This makes you protected.

Train yourself to ask nothing from others, need nothing from them. Make yourself whole and give! Then you will recieve without limits!

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Offline Apple

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Re: Detach while Present or Eliminte His Presence?
« Reply #6 on: June 13, 2017, 09:46:41 PM »
Become like the sun. Give without any resentement, feeling of being used, or anger. Be an a powerful giving energy. Feel powerful in the position of GIVING. But please don't do this to be loved or to gain something from him, just do it from a state of power, be geniune, authentic. Even if he is, let say the most awful person in the world try this game! Not for him but for yourself.  Pretend it is like a "difficult child", or maybe even your other self. Use compassion!

I really love the idea of this, but I have a question. Do you ever draw a line? What if someone is really taking advantage of you and your generosity. Let's use the difficult child analogy. You love your child so much and you do everything you can do in your power to give to this child. Then you ask that child for a favor, or to do something simple for you and they refuse. Do you just let it go and still keep on giving them everything?

Offline Superman

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Re: Detach while Present or Eliminte His Presence?
« Reply #7 on: June 14, 2017, 12:56:29 AM »
Thanks for your question because it is important to give clarity here:
I gave this specific advice to the original post's writer because her inspiration inspired me that. And I gave a time limit which is very important. It is meant to just experience what can change.

The position from which you do this is VERY VERY IMPORTANT. I MEAN VERY IMPORTANT. Most people here are so desperate, they are abandoned, cheated, mistreated and they already gave too much, they are even ready to give their own life... But their giving is FEAR based. So no matter how much they give it is "grubby", It has no value in the mind of the "reciever" because the person doesnt value herself and it is a fear energy. It is not love energy but fear, need and despair. My method is authentic and powerful when you know your infinite value, when you don't need that person in your life, when you are not desperate or "blinded" by your emotions, when you will tolerate no disrespect of any kind. You know basically Im talking about self love and respect and dignity.

Thats why I talk endlessly about "focus on you" and "fix you" thing. Because from that everything else is affected. When you are in a "power" or "pure love" position (which has no need nor despair in it)  the person will sense even your most little act and words in a good way. He/She will value it more than anything.

By being in need, despair or craving or the "please love me, please give me your attention"...  your "love" has no value in your lovers eyes. In fact it is heavy and not attractive. If you look closely It is fear not love. So there you need to work on! You need to give up fear, need, despair, resentment, anger... you need to stop your expectations from other person. Because you cannot have what you do not give to yourself. AT the end its all about you!

This "method" is about being your own individual, being self sufficient, being whole, being powerful for yourself. From that position your love is really powerful and pure. The sun doesnt need that the Earth gives him its love/light back. The sun shines because it is his nature, not because it needs something.  Most of people here crave to be loved, to recieve, to have attention... they are focused on recieving things but thats only possible when you are not in your own power. Thats why people often say "I found love (or anything else) when I stopped the "need" for it".

When you know that you are happy and whole by yourself, when you know that your lover is not a "god" and when you have true peception of that person, when you dont idealize him/her, dont put him on any HIGH position, when you know that you can be happy with someone else, when you see its human weaknesses and flaws and still say "I choose to love you" then you can be sure that your love is pure and real because it comes from a state of power, not depair or need. Then you have true love in return! PLEASE DONT CONFUSE LOVE WITH OBSESSION, LUST, NEED OR FEAR. People can take advantage of you when they know that they are your life and that without them you are worthless and nothing: yet this is true only if you think of yourself as "nothing" without that person. This would be your greatest mistake.

In your question "Let's use the difficult child analogy. You love your child so much and you do everything you can do in your power to give to this child. Then you ask that child for a favor, or to do something simple for you and they refuse. Do you just let it go and still keep on giving them everything?" There is a "condition" or "need". So you need to check why you "love" that child, is it to have something from him or is it because you just love the child? In some cases a child will still stay "bad child" no matter how you love him but when you love from state of power it doesnt hurts. And trust me no ex is your child nor your parent. But you can program yourself to think "Im nothing without him"... here we go back to "fear" position. When you "fix" yourself you will have no want no need to have love from someone, because need is lack, need is negative energy and has nothing to do with love.



Offline Apple

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Re: Detach while Present or Eliminte His Presence?
« Reply #8 on: June 14, 2017, 01:41:13 AM »
Beautiful....thank you so much!! I get it now. I had to read it a few times, but I really get it now. It actually even made me a little teary.... in a good way!!!

I actually experienced this awhile back too, so I know how it feels to be in that state of mind and everything in my life just seemed to flow easier. For whatever reason I get away from it and start getting clingy again. I need like a daily reminder or something...LOL
 
I hope more people really read this and get something out of it because it is pure gold!! Thank you Superman  :-*

@MrsRobinson....sorry to hijack this thread, and thanks for asking the question because I really learned a lot from this!!






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Offline MrsRobinson

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Re: Detach while Present or Eliminte His Presence?
« Reply #9 on: June 14, 2017, 07:52:22 AM »
Beautiful....thank you so much!! I get it now. I had to read it a few times, but I really get it now. It actually even made me a little teary.... in a good way!!!

I actually experienced this awhile back too, so I know how it feels to be in that state of mind and everything in my life just seemed to flow easier. For whatever reason I get away from it and start getting clingy again. I need like a daily reminder or something...LOL
 
I hope more people really read this and get something out of it because it is pure gold!! Thank you Superman  :-*

@MrsRobinson....sorry to hijack this thread, and thanks for asking the question because I really learned a lot from this!!








No problem. Thanks for your question as I too was able to gain further clarity.

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Offline Porcupine

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Re: Detach while Present or Eliminte His Presence?
« Reply #10 on: June 19, 2017, 03:32:18 PM »
I forgot to mention that this is the "way" I use with my lover. I just give so much and often my pride or ego comes saying "but what about you, what do you recieve?!" Pride tries to give you fears... While love just gives... My relationship has never been so strong and intense, I recieve so much by giving. Your lover feels from what perspective you "give"! For exemple many people kind and loving but iften they are "fucked" because they do that from fear and need, very often they just get used and they get decieved. This is not possible when your giving and love is pure! This makes you protected.

Train yourself to ask nothing from others, need nothing from them. Make yourself whole and give! Then you will recieve without limits!

Can you expand on this Supe? Examples? Has it worked for friends? And so on.

Offline MrsRobinson

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Re: Detach while Present or Eliminte His Presence?
« Reply #11 on: June 21, 2017, 07:48:39 AM »
@Superman I have committed myself to this process and have already seen results. Specifically, I ended up spending a two day holiday weekend with him and his family and our kids at the beach. However, I find that I am not allowing it to be as enjoyable as it could be because i am focused on the hows and still a bit of my fears. For example, i was not invited by him to the beach, but by his friend. This made me feel uncertain if I should go. The second day, i was invited by his mother. I was worried what he would think as i did not want to impose. Additionally, i had to keep talking myself out of bad thoughts, as other female guests came to say hello to him. I think i did a good job, but i wonder if these things hinder the process.

I also managed to handle an issue i normally would have reacted negatively to, by instead letting him know i understood what happened. I could tell he appreciated it. However, in one issue we had a miscommunication i felt i could have handled a little less harshly. And another the same.

How do i handle disagreements during this process? Do i just brush everything off and act like its ok?

Offline Superman

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Re: Detach while Present or Eliminte His Presence?
« Reply #12 on: June 21, 2017, 01:24:45 PM »
Thoughts and fears are just thoughts and have no effect if you dont believe or accept them. Dont act on them.
Go back to the main goal: remember why you do this, remember that you do this to generate love within yourself and ratiate it. Even if this will have effects on him this has nothing to do with him. Its a game you play with yourself. Which is generating love, authentic love. I suggest you re read what I said just above this post. Make sure you understand the pount of this practice. There is no pride or ego here so that may be hard for you because pride and ego are the reason of the problem.

Offline MrsRobinson

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Re: Detach while Present or Eliminte His Presence?
« Reply #13 on: June 29, 2017, 09:04:04 AM »
Well, i basically failed this. I mean, not in a bad way, but i think ive made a decision based on what i feel is right and possibly a bit of fear.

I think i read that once the process similiar to wht you have described is over, you will know if its love making you want to be back together or ego. I think it may be ego. I think i want him because im embaressed that i had two kids from another failed relationship, because he is the father everyone wants for their kids, because it felt so right when it was good, because it was supposed to last forever, because i never wanted to be like his other kids mothers, because i want my kids to be raised in a two parent home, because ive already exposed my oldest kids to him, because we were already a family, because i dont want anyone to know we broke up, because the home we bought was supposed to be our home, because i was better than all the other women he has been with,. Ego.

I had to stop and be honest with myself. He was not giving me what i wanted and deserved. How can i love a man that constantly let me down, who never made time for me, who hated my kids, who betrayed my trust, left me to fend for myself with two young kids, who made me feel undeserving of love, who excluded me from his life. I dont love him. I do believe we shared a true love and i do believe it can be regained BUT i can not continue living a life i know i dont want.

His whole presence in my life currently is out of obligation and to me can never compensate for him walking out on me and our kids lives. I think its better if we just seperate fully.

I also have a fear that he is reconnecting with an old girlfriend which im certain her and i co-created. It was my fear that she would return home and i know she believed them being together was their fate.

Thoughts on my conclusion woyld be appreciated.

Offline Superman

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Re: Detach while Present or Eliminte His Presence?
« Reply #14 on: June 29, 2017, 03:19:43 PM »
I don't think you need someone's elses conclusion. You are the best person that knows what is the best for you. I do agree that this conclusion is the "best" and easiest in a sense that it put you in a place of peace... sometimes the best and easiest way is just to "give up".

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