Same old story lol

[JonRymer]

hey i dont really know why im here, im just sitting atthe computer trying to vent some heavy feelings. i dnt see hope coming anytime soon and ive all but givn up on the onething tha gave me so much joy coming back to me. today started out amazing but around 8pm a huge wave of deppresson hit out ofnowhere. i went from excited and looking foward to the future to fantasizing the emense relifeof dying. my eyes got heavy. my body felt weak. the atmospher completly changed. ihate being like this. anyoneelts have such soul crushing depression and get out of it successfully by themselves by sheer foce of will?thx

[I AM LOVE!]

hey welcm to the forum..am sure you will find peace in here and your happiness too like me and most of us.
Mind telling what and why you feeling down?

[57angel]

Welcome to the forum Jon! Feel free to share to us what happened, everyone is here to spread love and inspirations. I am indeed greatly helped here, I can still remember how badly I felt the first time I was here, but everyone here in the forum have lots of love and inspirations to share, forever grateful for everyone's help in turning around my life - a better and happier life now

[Ginny]

anyoneelts have such soul crushing depression and get out of it successfully by themselves by sheer foce of will?thx

Yes, although I wouldn't call it force of will - actually just the opposite, letting go and trying not to be so attached to outcomes.

Two and a half years ago, I was planning to kill myself. I'd reached the stage where the pain I was feeling outweighed my fear of death. And today, after a lifetime of depression, I'm happier than I have ever been.
Sometimes things still get me down, but not for long. whereas in the past, anything could trigger a crushing depression - even something good (because I would start worrying about what would happen when my good fortune would change).

I find it really difficult to type in this new window... so apologies if the response seems choppy.

For various reasons (technical) I didn't succeed in killing myself, which is just as well, because I returned to the state where the fear of death was greater, and then started investing lots of time in trying to work out what I could do to be happier.

And, 500 hundred or so self-help books later (I only slightly exaggerate), it comes down to meditation, LOA, frequent affirmations that I want and choose happiness, and gratitude for every instance that I notice happiness in my life.

Meditation was key, because once you learn to quieten your thoughts and get rid (or at least really really really slow down) all the mental chatter, you can identify your baseline feeling - the feeling you were born with, that is you
regardless of external stimuli. And this is a good feeling, not a bad one - your baseline feeling is always good, no matter how long you've struggled with depression (for me it was about 40 years).

Gratitude for any feelings of happiness was also critical. Sometimes I'd catch myself worrying that the peace / happiness / good feeling would end. And then I'd remind myself, "It doesn't matter, I'm just going to enjoy this feeling now."

And frequent reminders that I want and choose happiness. So, if I feel depression starting to edge its way in again, I lie down, clear my mind with meditation, identify that good baseline feeling*, and then repeat those affirmations.

*one of the zillions of books I read was Beyond Happiness, by Frank Kinslow. It had some really helpful simple meditation techniques, designed to help you find this feeling, which he calls a "eufeeling"

Hope this helps some.

[JonRymer]

well i have a medical condition called PTSD (post tramatic stress disorder). its like the thing soilders get from being under such tramatic events. when i was 7 (i lived in moscow russia) i walkd home from school (my dad wasn't home yet) and opened my moms door to find she hung herself. after i called my dad and the police came he put me in an orphange becoz he couldent take care of me i guess, the orphange was horrendious they punished very sevirly then after about 4 years i got adopted and brought to ny. all that made my ptsd worse. i had hoorible hallusination when i lay in bed and i the stress of the situation made me scared to sleep becoz i had bad nitemares. over the years (im 19 now) i learned to control the hallusinations and not let them scare me becoz they are not real. but the ptsd is still there and gets the best of me. idont know if i can break it because its medical. thx for everyones help this is the most excepting foram ive ever seen lol its refreshing 

[Shrikanya]

Hi JonRymer,

You are at the right place. It is possible to overcome your condition even if it is medical.. Heard about Placebo effect?

I would suggest that whenever you feel the depression. Write down whatever you feel. Then read whatever you have written and try to understand why so you feel that way. What do you require to make yourself feel better. Now take another diary and write down what can you do now to feel better.

First this will help you get insight into your problem and the second thing is that it will help you gain a new perspective towards life. If something is driving you to death, something else will drive you to life.

Just because you had a traumatic childhood, does not necessarily mean that the conditions cannot be changed. Don't resist the change. Don't feel that way. Instead try to do whatever makes your life better. Whatever makes you happy

Welcome to the forum and we heartily hope that we will be able to make your life more inspiring.

Best Regards,
Shrikanya

[CrysB]

I totally understand how JonRymer feels.  Its frustrating when you're using LOA and following everyones advice and still see no hope or sign of movement or improvement...and here is where my depression enters.  No matter how you try seems like everyone around you catches a break except you.
I come here to this forum everyday, its one of the things that helps me.  But I just wanted to chime in and say I understand what you're going through, its a daily fight I go through myself.

[lashark]

 I was trying to share a video with you but the links arent working, I will keep trying and come back and edit this.

[Ginny]

@Jon - you are only 19, so those memories are still fresh. You are doing a great job, and are finding ways to heal - it will come to you. Give yourself credit for how far you've come so far though - that is a lot for anyone to deal with, never mind a young child.  Things will keep getting better with time.

I totally understand how JonRymer feels.  Its frustrating when you're using LOA and following everyones advice and still see no hope or sign of movement or improvement...and here is where my depression enters.

The thing is, you need to find that happiness that is independent to what is happening around you. If you make your happiness dependent in external events, you will always be disappointed (ultimately). It is saying to the universe that you are not complete unless you have these external things to complete you. So ultimately more "incompleteness" will be delivered to you. If you find peace and happiness within yourself (and it is there - believe me. I used to be the biggest skeptic when people used to tell me this, but I've discovered that it's absolutely true), then more of the same will be delivered to you.

I do really recommend Frank Kinslow's book (and no, I'm not his agent or publisher!   - it's just something that really helped me. I didn't like all of it - but it helped me such a huge amount that I don't even care that I didn't like the whole thing )

[JonRymer]

thx evryone for their amzing advice im really taking it to heart(: