Rule of no contact?

[Firefly2000]

I notice a lot of advice is given on here to use the rule of no contact when trying to attract back a lover. What about when you live with your guy/girl? I, much like Tins, am dealing with a lot of anget, so I tend to want to avoid Jim anyway. I dont see him very much six days a week and Sundays I am closeted away reading to my kids or playing games with them. We do text each other once or twice a day and he still puts "Love u" at the end of his texts, so I do to. But we hardly have anything to say to  each other when we are around. We hardly have relations anymore and I have almost completely lost my libido.  He is on his phone texting this girl all the time and I am mad at myself for putting up with this. I am torn between wantng to attract him back and deciding he is not worth my time anymore. I cant attract anything if I cant make up my mind! So would this count as no contact?? I need to get over my hurt pride and anger. On a deep level, I do love him, but I love more what he was, not what he has become.

[Tinseltown]

Oh babe, I understand this so much!

I think what you need to do first of all is to get clear on what you want. I've swung from not wanting him back to wanting him back and it's frustrating, painful and counter-productive. When I'm away from him, I feel strong and confident but the idea of contacting him is like someone's hit me on the back of the knees with an iron bar. Which implies I'm still giving him a lot of my power and am nowhere near neutral.

What to do?

Let go of those emotions and forgive, so you can get to a point where it's neutral. I don't think we can make a decision, a reasoned, measured one if it's either + or -. How about neutral? How about a big, fat zero? How about getting to a place where we can contact them without caring, without worrying?

Don't say 'I love you,' if that's not what you want to put. My guy started using our pet names and I was thrilled, only to latterly get angry at his use of them; why use them if he doesn't want something? And then so why meet up and do sweet FA? Etcetcetc....all these rhetorical things. So, take ownership; don't want to say I love you? Don't want to slot in with what he's doing or saying? Don't. Take yourself back from his orbit.

I may be rambling a bit, but what I've learnt recently is the importance of getting to ZERO. Only from that level can we make an informed choice and stick with it

Hope this helps

Tins

[Firefly2000]

Thank you, Tins. I feel really good and even somewhat optomistic when I am at school, but when I come home all my positivity crashes down. He did come up to me Thursday when I got home and put his arms around me and smiled of his own volition. Sometimes I wonder if he is as longing for us to be reconciled, but like, me, his pride gets in the way.  I have a hard time giving out warmth  to him when I am around him so I know I need to learn to forgive. If I thought he cared at all, it would be so much easier. But he continues to text this girl, ALL the time. Ok, I guess I should have put this in the relationship threads. lol