please help me get into a better feeling place about being a success

[iloverainbows]

Hi friends,

Please help me into a better feeling-place with this topic. It is a topic which I feel quite far from my vortex on. It is also a topic around which i have much resistance. I am looking for emotional relief, however at this time I have not been able to find a better feeling place on my own. Please help me. Here is the topic:

I have had, for a long time, the desire to be impressive. To be skilled, masterful and accomplished. I see people who are very good at various things and I want to be like them. It started with magic - I have always loved watching magicians performing since I was very little. I also love watching skilled circus performers, especially acrobats. But it was not just the performers who I loved. When I was at University I got a strong desire to get a PhD, like some of my friends are doing. And then I wanted to teach, and be able to say to people 'I am an academic; I teach at University'. There are other things too, but all of them have in common this theme of being masterful, accomplished and impressive. I feel I'd like that admiration from people and the good-feeling way it has for me. I do love the actual material of the accomplishment as well (e.g. I do love performing, studying and so on).

As life has gone on, I have had in my vision more and more how I was not accomplished, not masterful, not good enough. And that has fulfilled, usually through my own intertia. A lot of these things I want to be accomplished at require regular practice. Yes when I try to practice, there is a huge block there. It is not as though I am directly aware of a feeling 'I am not going to be good enough, so why bother?' - in fact, I know I am good at most things I put the time and effort into. I have trouble describing the block, but it is like a big, emotional piece of concrete which obscures my ability to do - to take the time and effort to get good at. A real inertia.

In my most recent relationship, this pain manifested big time. I know of course that through my own fears I drew this person to me. So I was unhappy that I was not masterful at what I wanted to be. And therefore I drew someone to me who illustrated and highlighted that. My ex was very accomplished at many of the things I wanted to be accomplished at, and it felt like rubbing salt into a wound. He was a good performer, who seemed to be able to 'do' any accent and voice, to mimic TV characters after hearing them but once, and turn himself into a multitude of characters. Something which I found both impressive and hurtful. He is also a great dancer, seemingly effortlessly, he seems to have some innate acrobatic ability and sense of movement. And he is one of those people who are able to pick up most any game, board game, computer game, etc and win it almost immediately. All of this really pushed my buttons and hurt me. I was reminded painfully of this yesterday, when I saw his facebook after not being on there for two months (I have since blocked him). He had photos of a night out he went to, and the comment 'apparently my dancing defies the laws of physics...' - obviously a comment someone made to him, which doesn't surprise me because I have seen him dance.

I know intellectually (but I don't know emotionally) my ex is just reflecting my hurt, as many other people have done for me. I have a history, during and since high school at least, of feeling and being left out of the acheivers, especially in performance type areas. For example, there were a group of people considered the 'cool' people, one of whom was my first boyfriend. He broke up with me in a very nasty way, and then went on to be part of this really cool group who got into all the school plays, made everyone laugh etc. I auditioned and I remember being laughed at by the people who were doing the casting (and not in a nice way). Ouch. This repeated itself when I wanted to go into the annual play at Uni, but didn't because 'that group' were already kind of 'in there' in terms of being in the cast for a few years already, and having it in with the directors and writers, who are kind of theatre icons here in this city. Then, I got into some improvisational theatre just before I left and it turned out to be run by people who turned out to be friends with this group, and they ended up leaving me out too (and unfriending me on facebook etc). It's always this message that 'I'm not cool enough'. I've even tried to talk with various of these people about it but they do not hear me or care.

This inertia I have shows itself in a lot of ways. I don't know if this is direct from this or just related, but I find it hard to do any kind of routine practice, even if I know it will feel good when I do it. For example I have a great exercise video that I  know after a few weeks of doing it I will be more toned, and even after one session I feel really good. But I just get this intertia around it. And there are other, similar things. I think it's all related in here somewhere but the whole thing has become so emotionally convoluted I can't seem to see a way out without assistance. And when I've looked for assistance before I've just been told I'm lazy and I should 'just do it'.

Please can you help me. I know what my desires are. I want to be achieving great things, and be a better performer than even those people who made me feel like shit. I want to be a better dancer and impressionist than my ex, and better at improv than these stupid people who rejected me. I want them to come to me wanting to be let in, and to have them admire and look up to me. I want to be recognised as someone great, and be really awesome at what I do. And I want to have fun, fun, fun doing it. I want it to be easy for me to practice my crafts regularly and do it because I want to and it's easy and fun and I choose to, not because I feel 'I have to'. And ultimately I want it to come from a place of loving what I do, with 'them being impressed' as a nice side-bonus which really heals the wounds of feeling left out, rejected and under appreciated. And I want to be one of those people who wins games almost every time, instead of, as I am now, usually losing pretty much any game I play.

Please help.
Thank you.

[crimson]

Hi! 

I'm somebody who is extremely good at alot of things, and never have blocks when it comes to mastering anything. Here is the thread I made describing some of what I'm about, and my own blockages:
http://www.powerlawofattraction.com/forum/law-of-attraction-for-abundance-4/cultural-rebirth/

I think it's good that you're clear about what you want. But it seems what you want is what's blocking you. The idea of wanting to be really good at something instead of just enjoying it. The meticulous practice I put into anything is more about interest so to speak. Getting it right and understanding it for myself rather than the social motivation of showing off what I can do. If there is a puzzle, I want to solve it. If something is fun, I end up doing it repeatedly without effort. And the repetition is where it becomes automatic. I could tell you time and effort, but effort has nothing to do with it. It's more like putting in hours and hours of time into something that is fun and effortless.

I can tell you right now that there's a really good chance you can be a better dancer than your ex. I am a dancer, and there are very few people on par with me. I'm extremely in tune with my body and my movements. The thing is I got to this level by spending hours every day practicing steps when I was younger. If you can overcome your blockages, and really enjoy working on steps, you will close the door, and do it every day. In a year, your body will have a mind of its own, and you should be able to pull off alot of good moves.

Academically, again, if you want to get good, it's about interest. Logic and math are the best start for intellectual development. Once again, it takes deep interest in it that compels time working on it. From there, writing, science, and whatever you want to learn become child's play.

While there are some benefits to being good like popularity, and impressing lots of people, I have gone through alot of bad experiences that I'm working to overcome. Like you, people wish they had that sort of magic touch that I have. But unlike you trying to better yourself, they would rather say and do whatever they can to make me feel bad or bring me down. This has affected me tremendously in my life. To the point of having to isolate myself from my family and other negative aspects/people who want to destroy what they envy.

But we all know none of that is the real problem. Because no amount of running and hiding can hold back what our own thoughts are attracting. So recently I started to really make it a point to work on pure positive thought.

So for example, in your case, I would say stop offering thoughts of all the experiences and situations that you have gone through. Instead, continue to only offer thoughts on what you want your life to look like. As you described very well in your post. See yourself doing magic, dancing, hosting a science show like Carl Sagan, or whatever. The reason I say hosting a show is because it's intellectual and entertaining. And that seems to be geared more to what you want for yourself than your goal of teaching at a university. Teaching at university has no appeal to somebody with a mind like mine which is the type of mind set that you're going to want to develop if you really want to excel and be popular, etc. So somebody like me wouldn't be able to even picture myself teaching at a university. Yet would have no problem picturing myself winning Nobel prize, and hosting science shows. Or whatever subject interests you if not science.

What your mind is doing is picturing the school play, your ex on facebook, etc. Which can only perpetuate the state of sucking at everything, and being a nobody. That is what your mind thinks about, and that is what you're getting. So in order to keep you in the situation your mind is offering, you will be blocked from developing skills. So continue to offer thoughts on what you want your life to be like. See and feel yourself being good at alot of things. So in order to put you in the situation you desire, you will be compelled to developing skills. If you offer negative thoughts about your situation, you will be blocked from whatever needs to be done to get out of it. If you offer positive thoughts about where you want to be, you will be compelled to whatever needs to be done to get there.

[iloverainbows]

Crimson, you are a win, Sir! Wanted to make this post to say THAN YOU for your excellent post. Want to make another post soon to reply to what you've said. I'm doing both of those things. Also read your post and want to reply to that as well which I shall do. Please stay in touch; you're exactly the kind of person who can help me. Hugs and things xx

[iloverainbows]

Hi Crimson,

Thank you very much for your post.

You have reminded me of something very valuable - the enjoyment of what I am doing. I find that hard to feel with things I want to be good at, because I am so focused on the good feeling of the admiration of others. Of course admiration feels good, but I'm also much more able to get good at things when I do them regularly - which is going to happen if I love them. So for now I think I need to forget about the admiration and remember how it is to love things for me. I shouldn't even share them for a while with other people.

Crimson, you said you're very good at these things. Could you please describe the feeling-place of being good at dancing? And of being admired for that? If I read a description of how it feels, it's easier for me to get closer to the feeling.

Also, in your post you should know you brought me to feelings of hope more. I was in dispair but after reading your post to me, I touched on the feeling place of hope a few times. That's very, very good. Thank you x

[crimson]

Ya for me there's ups and downs about feelings when it comes my abilities. So first there's the idea that dance and various other abilities that I excel at makes me see the music industry as something I will have no problem being incomparably successful in. It's like being adult walking into a candy taking competition with little infants. It's impossible to not win, and is a great feeling. Alot of times I feel bad because of being able to fly while being locked in a cage.

I would say somebody like Jordan is arguably the best basketball player. Yes, I can do all these things, and could possibly excel beyond any living artist in my field. But it doesn't feel so great not being able to use it. And so I often have a low vibration. So I want to get into better feelings about working on my weight loss nutrition, and fitness. Then proceed into really being driven towards my career.

With specific regards to just dancing. It's something that really feels great just doing. To be able to put on a song, and execute steps perfectly on the fly. It's like having an arsenal that thinks for itself. There's really very little thought involved. The steps have come out. All of it accumulated over a lifetime of practicing for thousands of hours. Over the past year along, I've become very good at flipping the microphone around. I use one of those really durable flashlights. Throw it all around, behind my back, under my leg, catch it, drop it all the time, etc. Also practicing with a microphone stand. Tipping it to the ground, then pulling it back up with my foot. It's just alot of fun, and really healthy.

The thing is that I'm a solo-artist. So even if I don't actually have any of my songs produced that I can listen to, I always practice other songs as if I'm the artist. Sort of like lip singing. The feeling it creates when I'm doing it in my room is that it brings me more in touch with the being of who I am. That's why for me, it's so important. It's the means by which I bring the ends to life. The ends being cultural rebirth and city design.

When it comes to other people, I find it really weird in my life that strangers are the most enthusiastic and really positive people. Whether it's going out dancing or being on stage performing vocals, alot of people really really are full of love. The downside is the people who will despise others who are on a different level, and try to bring them down. Alot of people with the most hatred happen to be most of the ones closest to me.

I guess overall, being exceptional at something is a great feeling independent from appreciation/approval/love from others. However, being somebody who is exceptional in so many different things, it's hard to describe what that's like. Especially how it all connects so well for me. The only missing link is getting in shape, and getting active in functioning towards getting out there, and reaping the benefits of it.

Appreciation from others is just natural byproduct of self appreciation. It really has nothing to do with being all so great at something. Each person's value is based on what good they can offer to themselves or others in any moment. So you can already take an inventory of what good things you have to offer without going crazy trying to get good at some external nonsense in order to feel valuable. Like the things I do and the things I am interested in learning all have to do with my own idea of how appealing I would be to me. Not to others. My appeal to myself is really the most important thing. My appeal to others is almost of no concern.

[MEL]

Hey there.

I belive, to progress in life. Learing about our minds and how it works is great start to move forward...

I am doing that at the momemt and feeling really good about it. I am making great progress with all my research. I too really want this stuff to work. (LOA)

Good luck..

Lots of love - Mel

[Aanspire]

Hi,
    I kind of agree with crimson.  When you find a passion or interest in doing something, you will have boundless energy and desire to be involved with it.  It will feel very little like work and before you know it, you'll be at the top of your game.  There are people out there who can just pick a task and practice at it and get good, regardless of any kind of passion.  In those cases, they have extrinsic motivating factors such as pay or prestige.  It really depends on the individual and what they want.
    Just from my personal experience, intrinsic motivation is a fantastic source of motivation because you will love what you do and it will not feel like much work. And if it does feel a little like work, it will feel like time well spent.

-Aan

[iloverainbows]

Hi,
    I kind of agree with crimson.  When you find a passion or interest in doing something, you will have boundless energy and desire to be involved with it.  It will feel very little like work and before you know it, you'll be at the top of your game.  There are people out there who can just pick a task and practice at it and get good, regardless of any kind of passion.  In those cases, they have extrinsic motivating factors such as pay or prestige.  It really depends on the individual and what they want.
    Just from my personal experience, intrinsic motivation is a fantastic source of motivation because you will love what you do and it will not feel like much work. And if it does feel a little like work, it will feel like time well spent.

-Aan

Hi Aan, thanks for the input. Actually, except for the most base mechanical tasks (which require no thinking), money is not the most motivating factor in what people do. There's a great video on this, which-I-can't-find(!), but if I find it here I'll post it later. So you're both right, in that it's about finding the LOVE for it.  Therefore, as with always with LOA, I need to move up the vibrational emotional levels, by listening to my emotions and finding a better feeling place of ease into this.

I have already partially done this with the performance already. My friend started an improvisation club which I've been going to, and that seemed easier than anything I've done in a long time. Mainly I think because we're all starting together so there was not this huge pressure to 'be good', and therefore I've had a lot of fun with it and done a lot better than I probably would have otherwise done if there HAD been lots and lots of pressure! Now I'm getting enthused about that and I was inspired (cosmically inspired) to enquire about clowning workshops the other day, and put my name down on the mailing list of one of the local theatres that runs workshops. This is fun, this is EASY! That shall be my mantra

Thank you too, crimson, for your description of dancing. Very cool, and I'm going to see if I can reword some of what you said to be affirmations for my daily visualisations.

Does anyone here have any specific advice about how to think about this 'group' of people I mentioned in my originaly post? It seems many of the theatre people in my home town are this kind of tightknit clique...who all know each other...and I feel many of them don't like me because of the past, and therefore it may be hard for me to make new friends in this group, without other people whispering behind my back. But maybe that's just all in my head...