attract neg energy if I send a neg email which is in defense of a loved one?

[gogetter]

Hi

My sister is very selfish towards my mother. Recently she stressed out my mother AGAIN and has no regard for her feelings. I try to have little or no contact with my sister or most of my horrible, unloving family members but after seeing my mother so upset today, I wrote a very angry email to my sister, shaming her and telling her I have zero respect for her as a human being. Was this so wrong to do given that I am acting out of love for my mother and the frustration I feel at how little her own child cares for her? Or did I just set myself up for some serious negative feedback coming to me from the universe? I do not anticipate my email to my sister doing any good and it is doubtful it will wake her up to her behavior, if anything she will be even meaner to my mother, but it is so hard to not say anything when  I have to bear the brunt of my mothers pain and sorrow. My hope is that is will wake her up and she will take steps to change but iknow it is not likely. i just hope i have not brought anything negative back to me by sending that out.

[gogetter]

Hoping someone can share some insights soon...feeling really upset here. So not only did I send out that anger to my sister, but also having other family problems with a teenage niece who chose to have a baby but won't choose to better her life, smokes and parties, and it is super upsetting to me. i avoid all contact with her and most of my family but i recently mailed her a parcel of baby things. i did not expect a thank you or even an acknowledgement but i did want to know that she received it so i decided to email her and check and she said no since she had moved. i asked her to check with her old address but of course she couldn't be bothered, so i ended up calling her local post office and sure enough the parcel was sitting there. i really had to badger her to go get it and she finally did after i wouldn't stop asking her by email every hour. this snowballed into me lecturing her, trying to be kind about it but it just all comes across as me belittling her and not helping at all. she just gets defensive instead of open to listening and i am all worked up and upset over so much back and forth strife with her, bringing up to her how badly she was raised but that is my sisters fault, not hers but she is so messed up, she shoulders her own blame, says she made her own choices and not to blame her mother, etc, etc. it just got all messy and this is why i cannot have contact with my family, they cannot stand my righteousness and i just want to help them to a better way and it drives me crazy that they live the way they do and i am powerless to change it  so that is a big dose of anger and frustration to two separate sisters, generally who i have NO contact with, and i need to restore some harmony and balance to my life because  i don't want to give out all this anger but the only way i can seem to be happy with my family is by having no contact and just sending them positive thoughts from afar. i know i am not doing my own life any good by any of this crap with them and i only want to attract good things but i have mae such a mess of things, and given out so much anger and volatility, how can i expect any goodness to be attracted back to me now??

[Mariposa, (KnJ)]

Ok you asked for this (in more ways than one) so you are going to get it.

You, my dear, are a control fanatic!!!  You want to control others and bend them to your will and live by YOUR expectations. 

I too have a troublesome family but the one thing I realize is that "I CAN NOT CONTROL THEM, WHAT THEY DO, HOW THEY THINK!" 

You can only control yourself.  It's nice of you to send that stuff but why did you even bother when you knew it wouldn't even be appreciated?

You give your power away, you seem to do this in a negative way. 

Console your mother but understand that what goes on between your sister and your mom is their business.  Yes, it's sad that your sister is mean to your mom, but if your mom doesn't do anything about it then that is her business.

Mind your own business and stop trying to involve yourself in issues that don't directly concern you.  Yes, they are your family but you can NOT CHANGE THEM!!!

Do what is best for you, spend more time controlling yourself and not lowering yourself to their level.....which you do each and every time you send a negative email or belittle and judge others.

Yes, this is harsh but you need to hear this right now.

Focus on yourself and being more positive.

Love and light! 

[gogetter]

I don't think it is kind to give out harshness but I have given out my own harshness to my family members so i guess that is why i attracted your unkindness.

but you are right about the fact i cannot control them. what i would like some understanding on though, is the frustration is causes me to see my mum put through pain from the cruelty of her own children. yes, i try to focus on how nicely i treat her and my own behaviors but can it not be understood how hard it is to watch the person you love be treated so badly? and of course my mothers pain is my business, i am her caregiver and it is not healthy for her to be made upset since she is almost 90.

i GIVE to my family who are underpriviledged because it is RIGHT and KIND. So in your thinking, if someone is not going to be grateful or appreciative, we should not give to them? to me, that is cold and mean and i am not that way. if i would have had word that she definitely received the parcel i would never have contacted her. but when my mother asked my nieces mother if she got it and was told they moved, that is when i contacted my niece and it snowballed from there because i just cannot stop myself from speaking up to them about their lifestyle.

I think it is because i care so much, not about being a control freak, that was pretty mean to say. but my family frustrates me and i want to get off this emotional roller coaster AGAIN and your mean spirited posting did not help me at all.

please, only kind words because i do not like dealing with mean people.

[gogetter]

Oh and I feel it is fine to judge behaviors, but not people. And that is how i tried to present myself to my niece when she accused me of judging her...i said i  judge your behavior, not you as a person. you can change your behavior. but she would not listen and i wish i had not wasted my time or energy. this is not at all how i wanted this to go. all i want is a way to restore peace and happiness to my now stressed out life.

[Ginny]

gogetter, this is a lot of complicated stuff to try to deal with via internet posts, but I'll try my best.


First thing is, I genuinely believe that it is the extreme minority of people who set out to be deliberately mean, or selfish or unkind. Those who are deliberately unkind - who know they are being cruel for no reason, and with no regard for how their behaviour affects another person - are very damaged people. The majority of the rest of us are just trying to do the best we can with the resources and insights that we have at any given moment in time. I have spent a lot of time thinking about this, as I grew up with an alcoholic mother who was abusive and neglectful. And even though she did some terrible things to me, I honestly believe that she was doing the best she could, and wanted to be a good mother.

I suspect that your sister falls into that category of people who wants to be good, but for whatever reason (whether it be perception or circumstance) is falling short.

I also think that you stand a better chance of altering people's behaviour if you try to understand their motivations rather than condemn them. Why is she acting as she is, and why does she think it's acceptable? Do you really believe that it's because she's just a bad person? If so, how did she get to be that way? Do you think she's just a bad spirit, who was born into the body of your mother's offspring to torment her? She probably feels (rightly or wrongly) that she is justified in her behaviour, maybe even that it is good (? people sometimes believe the strangest things)

With the niece, the same factors apply. Teenagers tend to be more selfish than adults (although this is not always the case) - but I do not think this is because they are innately any worse in spirit. It is just this understanding of other people's viewpoints, and the impact that your actions have on others, sometimes takes some time to develop. I didn't start to develop this until I was in my thirties, so I behaved like a selfish teenager for most of my twenties

Another thing to consider is that, as the saying goes, "Whatever you resist persists". This is a really difficult balance to get right, and one person's "just trying to be helpful" is another person's "unwelcome interference and condemnation". I know you want to see these people do the right things, but you have to consider how likely your actions are to have the desired effect. If people feel like they are being nagged or condemned then (again, rightly or wrongly) they will turn off and stop listening to you. it takes a great deal of empathy to see the viewpoint of someone who you feel is behaving badly, but the rewards can be enormous, and ultimately lead you much closer to your goal.

i'm not sure how much else useful I can say at a distance. I think it might be better to try to influence their behaviour through meditation and sending love, and thoughts of correct action, rather than direct words.

I hope this helps some.

[Mariposa, (KnJ)]

I agree with Ginny!

As far as being mean?  Seriously? 

You asked a question and got an answer, whether you believe it or not my answer was intended to be of help to you.

As someone in a similar situation and who has spent the majority of my life coming to terms with my families interesting outlook on life as well as many years of therapy in order to make sure that I choose different, more productive behaviors, I believe I am in a good position to offer some advice.

Now, if you want to "not" take heed and wish to take my advice as personal attack instead of the helpful advice I offer, that is totally your choice. 

Your mother raised her daughter (your sister) and I am sure she is fully aware of her negative personality traits, and I am sure she chooses to love her regardless of her insensitivity. 

Like I said earlier, I agree with Ginny.

I think you need to work on yourself and change your reactions to toward your family from a negative to a more positive. 

If you are here asking for advice and only want to hear, what you want to hear, but insist on putting out negative energy and expecting to get positive energy back.....I don't know what to say. 

We are here to help support you, but we must also be true to ourselves and with you.  If that means telling you something you don't want to hear then so be it, it is for your own betterment and well being.

I hope you can take this post better and more productively then the last.

Love and light!